[For a band just starting out in an entirely new region - in an entirely new world - things were going pretty good. They're still going objectively good. The amount of money they've pulled in this month alone is Good.
When this guy approached them, they had every reason to believe it was another good gig, especially with the amount they were being promised...until they get to the venue and see that it was actually for a child's birthday party. The kid in question is turning six and his favorite favorite thing on the planet are Torchics, and his father saw their logo and thought it would be close enough. He's even providing them costumes!
The reveal makes Ryan's stomach bottom out, and it must show on his face because suddenly Min seems concerned at how long he's been quiet and-- nope. Can't have that.
So he smiles. He agrees. Come on, Min. They can't ruin a kid's birthday, right? But it's all very surface level and he feels like his entire brain has ejected itself into space. He goes through the motions, he puts on the dumb costume and tunes up his new guitar, but there's something uncomfortable and wrong in the air, no matter how much he insists otherwise.
To Ryan's surprise, the show actually goes okay? It takes a song or two, but they have enough stage presence that some of the kids are actually paying attention and enjoying the show, including the birthday boy. Most of the set list had to be changed to suit a younger audience, but at least they finally have a crowd interested in various animals (or pokémon) wearing toques. Ryan starts to seem like himself again while they play together.
Once the show ends, they are invited to stay and eat cake and even let their pokémon play, as long as they promise to leave the costumes on - apparently there had been some kind of incident at another party, but whatever. Ryan's only half paying attention. He can be a giant chicken pokémon eating cake, it's fine. He's still feeling a little weird though, so takes it upon himself to grab them a place to sit where they won't get harassed by little kids treating them like mascots while Min finishes up squaring away payment details.
Min will find Ryan with a couple of chairs off to the side, past where the parents are hanging out as if they will be some sort of little kid barrier. He has cake, but he doesn't seem to be actually eating it - just holding the plate and cutting off little bites to push them around the plate. He feels kind of nauseous, honestly.
When he sees Min though, he manages a smile.]
Hey, man. Saved you some cake?
[There is indeed a piece of cake on the chair reserved for Min - bigger than Ryan's and untouched.]
[The immediacy and intensity of their success had struck Min-Gi as odd from the very beginning. Not that he isn't happy about it, but they'd worked much harder for much less back home even taking advantage of some of Ryan's prior contacts. He doesn't understand how one video from a last minute, barely attended show could get them the amount of attention it has. Every new venue they play he half expects they're about to realise it's all been one big misunderstanding.
So this...
This isn't actually that much of a surprise to him. He's a little offended that the guy apparently thought this was their kind of gig, but not surprised. Not that there's anything wrong with being children's entertainers, of course. That's just not who Chicken Choice Judy are. At this point, though, he feels like they're obligated to take it or else risk ruining some poor six year old's special day. They couldn't do that, right?
Except Ryan seems weirdly quiet. He'd figured out of the two of them Ryan would be the more enthusiastic one, but for a while he hardly says a word. He's not sure how to react at first. It's less frequent than it used to be, but it's usually Ryan who has to pull Min out of his own head before a show. It worries him enough that he does feel as though maybe they should back out after all, even once Ryan starts insisting they play. All throughout their costume change and setup he's ready to pull the plug, but in the end it goes ahead and everything seems to go okay.
He's glad to see Ryan looking like he's having fun, but he hasn't forgotten the expression on his face when they found out just what they were playing. It takes him longer than he'd like to sort out their payment, then he finds himself briefly accosted by excited six year olds when he's acquiring juice boxes. The whole time he's painfully aware of Ryan being off on his own, pretending to eat cake.
By the time he makes it over to him there's obvious concern etched on his face. He doesn't even acknowledge the cake he's kept back for him, save to move it so he can sit next to him. He holds out one of the juice boxes for him to take. If he's not going to eat, he should at least drink something.]
You okay? I've never seen a gig get you down like this.
[He's missing something, but he's no idea what it could be. It leaves him feeling helpless in a way he usually doesn't when it comes to Ryan.]
[Ryan stares at the juice box for a second and then accepts the silent compromise. He sets his cake aside too, so he can poke the straw through and take a small sip.]
I'm alright.
[He's full of shit, but he's historically terrible about talking about his own problems. It's something he always winds up working his way up to, as though he isn't sure anyone else could handle the weight he's gotten used to carrying.
But he knows Min knows. He hasn't been hiding it well at all, or maybe with time Min-Gi's just gotten better at seeing it. He sighs.]
I've definitely had worse gigs. I...thought it was gonna be worse.
[Min watches him carefully, poking the straw into his own carton once he's satisfied Ryan has at the very least taken a small sip. He drinks slowly while he listens, waiting patiently for him to elaborate. He doesn't expect the full story right away, but he also doesn't want to push him until he's at least acknowledged something's wrong.]
Why would you think it would be worse?
[He knows Ryan's had bad gigs during his solo career, but it's not something he ever really talks about and it's not something Min's ever had much reason to bring up. Things have been going pretty well for them, and he'd thought that was good enough. He hadn't realised that was something that still bothered him.]
[It doesn't usually bother him much anymore. It's rare for Ryan to get worked up over a show, and they don't exactly play a lot of the kinds of gigs that would bother him. The whole situation is pretty outside their norm. Usually if he thinks about it, it's just out of gratefulness that that isn't his life anymore. That they're doing better for themselves, together.
He's never talked much about his bad gigs because he's never really needed to. The most he's ever said was that the tour went badly, not how or why. Some of it early on was admittedly fear - as though telling Min would psyche him out, or make him change his mind - but most of it is what it always is. Ryan keeping negative things to himself.]
Because...
[He hesitates, wavering on whether he really wants to share or not. But he pushes down the impulse that it's stupid and overdramatic, especially when the show went well. He's being actively weird and at this point not telling Min why feels more like hiding it and making him worry more.
So, he takes a deep breath and steels himself.]
...A lot of my gigs towards the end were barely even gigs? Stuff where I was just underpaid background noise. Like, you could have replaced me with a boom box and not a single person would have even noticed.
[It feels like a lot, but it's still not giving details. He's still working up to details, eventually. Maybe.]
I was...desperate, I guess. Taking literally whatever for enough gas money to get to the next place, when I still had Dad's van. [Another story he's only told the absolute barest minimum of. He gave it away, with no elaboration whatsoever.] And it sucked. And I...thought it was going to be like that. I guess.
[Min looks at him expectantly, wanting to know what's been bothering him but afraid to say anything in case it makes him retreat back into silence. More silence than there is already.
His frown deepens as he finally elaborates. It's hard to imagine Ryan not lighting up any room he plays in. He's always put so much passion into his music, and he's so talented. It hurts to hear just how little he'd been appreciated before he'd come home to try and convince Min to join him. He's known for a while now that things weren't good, but that doesn't stop his own misinformed words echoing in his mind.
"Everything's been so easy for you."
He already feels bad for how jealous he'd been of Ryan's seemingly effortless ability to do whatever he wanted, but hearing specifics makes the guilt twist extra hard in his gut. He'd been miserable, but at least he'd been comfortable.]
I had no idea it was like that. I guess... I thought...
[What had he thought? That Ryan was financially irresponsible? That he didn't know how to take care of himself? He's ashamed to realise those had been part of his assumptions. That, and maybe just that Ryan had missed him. Like Min's company is some magic fix all for all the problems he'd had on his last attempt. He should have asked more questions sooner.]
I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could tell me. I know it would have sucked of us not to play this show so last minute, but if something like this happens again... we don't have to do it. I don't care who it's for if playing it's going to make you unhappy.
[To be fair, those are legitimate thoughts about Ryan - or at least, they're things Ryan's thought about himself and expects other people to assume. Maybe he wouldn't have been struggling for gas money if he was more financially responsible. Maybe if he took better care of himself he wouldn't have crashed and burned so hard. Maybe if he'd just...been better, things would gone better.
He shakes his head.]
I mean, it's not like kids would've done it on purpose. And they didn't! It was pretty fun! It went fine, so it should be fine! It's just...I dunno. Feelings hangover? Is that a real thing?
[It's the best way he can think to describe it. Everything's fine but he still feels gross, for what he still thinks of as no discernable reason. Months ago he would have just pushed harder and tried even more aggressively to act like he's okay, doing anything he could to push through without actually addressing it.
Addressing it sucks. But...at least he's with Min. Ryan forces up a very small laugh, pulls one leg up in the chair and...tells Min a story.]
The last time I played a party, it was like...a big college house party. Like, the kind you see in movies. They just stuck in in a corner of a crowded room to play, and I don't think anyone looked at me all night. No one even clapped, man. I was basically a ghost.
[And for someone who craves attention and validation and the energy of others the way Ryan does, it was maybe the worst show of his life.]
Guess what they paid me? [A beat, for Min to guess. Whether or not he does, Ryan will give him the answer.] $30 and a case of beer. That's it. So like, this went so much better than that.
I'm glad you had fun. [Although he's still clearly concerned he isn't having fun now.] You were great out there. Some of the lyrics you switched up were really smart.
[He means it, but it feels especially important to boost Ryan's confidence now. He doesn't want him to feel brushed off, but he does want him to be proud of what they've done. They had a good show. It went well. Most importantly, they're together. Ryan doesn't need to go through his problems alone.]
It might be a real thing. Some stuff's hard to let go of, even when you know things are different now.
[He doesn't interrupt Ryan's college party story, even when he pauses. Mostly because he doesn't want to chance diverting him, but there's admittedly a part of him that just doesn't like being wrong, and he knows he will be. He knows Ryan's about to tell him something unthinkably low.
When he does let him in on the answer, Min bristles visibly beneath the hood of his costume.]
You shouldn't have taken that job. You're worth so much more than $30.
[He should know. He listened to the promo cassette Ryan had sent his family over and over. He learned every lyric and every note just to find some way to feel close to Ryan when they'd been so far apart. He can't imagine going to a party and hearing someone put so much heart into their music only to ignore them point blank. And to know they'd paid him so little on top of that...
[Getting praised not just for the show, but for quick decisions he made in the moment being smart, gets a real smile out of him. This is why it's different. He has someone with him who appreciates him, who appreciates what goes into putting on a show and knows the sort of things he gets insecure about in the first place.
As for whether or not he should have taken the job in the first place? He just...shrugs.]
At the time it was that job or no job. Arguing about it got me the beer on top of it, so like. I kind of tried? But, y'know. ...I was tired.
[Sometimes you just want it to be over with. Sometimes you just say fuck it and let someone pay you pennies and booze because you just want the night to end.]
Sooooo I took the $30 and the beer, went back to where Dad's van was parked for the night, and drank in the back of it until I passed out.
[He does very sarcastic jazz hands - or hand, since one is still holding a juice box.]
[It obvious to anyone that Min-Gi is very unhappy with the picture Ryan is painting for him. Mostly at the jackasses who thought it was okay to pay him in chump change and beer, but they aren't around and are unlikely to ever be. And it does piss him off that Ryan would treat himself that way.]
You can't do that, Ryan. What if something happened while you were on your own?
[It hadn't. Obviously. But it could have, and that scares Min. It leaves him with yet another thing to add to the list of the ways he'd let Ryan down.]
[That was a big share, so Ryan is sipping on his juice box and watching Min for a reaction. And...he doesn't know what he expected, but this wasn't really it. He at least manages to look appropriately sheepish.]
I kiiind of can, since I already did?
[He's joking, but he knows it won't land well. But nothing happened, and he can't really change what's already passed either.]
I know, I know. But I'm not on my own anymore, so...it's not even on the table anymore. Believe me, there's a lot of things I've done that you wouldn't let fly.
[That probably isn't as comforting as Ryan thinks it is, but he doesn't say it as though Min's some sort of killjoy. He doesn't do well alone, and he's grateful to have someone by his side. It's not like any of this was fun for Ryan to put himself through.]
[He's right. The joke does not land well. Luckily for Ryan he is very conscious they're at a party for a six year old. Serious discussion they can get away with tucked away from the rest of the party, but he can't let himself get annoyed enough to risk a full blown argument.
He shoots him a glare that quite clearly says he doesn't think he's funny, setting aside his juice to pick up his cake and moodily eat a forkful.]
That doesn't make me feel better. Do you think I like not knowing everything that went on with you while I was still back in Powell Lake? And now you're going to sit there and tell me it's worse than I thought already?
[Ryan looks struck. Even though he knew it wouldn't land, somehow he didn't think it would sting this much. Maybe some part of him did expect the last bit to be at least a little reassuring, but apparently it didn't soften the blow.]
Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just...
[Just what? Just thought Min assumed the worst of his solo tour on his own? That Min filled in the blanks and was just right about all the terrible parts? They've had this conversation and he knows that isn't where Min's head was at back then.
Fuck, he really put his foot in his mouth.]
I meant...I'm not alone anymore. I don't have to worry about it because you're here, and you'd never let things get, you know. Like...that. I meant that I'm glad you're with me.
[None of this answers for the gaps from while he was on the road, the pieces Min-Gi doesn't know about, but it at least captures the sentiment he actually wanted. It might not make it better, but. It's a start.]
[That does soften him up a little. He doesn't expect Ryan to suddenly open up and tell him everything, especially not here, but he appreciates the reframing. He already knew that wasn't how Ryan had meant it, but he doesn't like to perpetually be seen as the stick in the mud even if sometimes (a lot of the time...) he is.]
Thanks. I'm glad too.
[He still sounds worried, but Ryan's opened up about the immediate problem. He can only hope that with time Ryan will start to trust he can handle it enough to share more. For now... for now it feels like it's probably better not to press.]
You should try the cake. It's good.
[It probably feels like it's out of nowhere, but it's a safer subject. One different enough to let Ryan know he doesn't mind switching topics, even to something that doesn't require much thought.
It's also a gentle nudge to try and get Ryan to actually eat something. He won't force him if he doesn't feel up to it, but he'd be happier if he did.]
[It's true. Ryan's a bit more okay with blurting out things that shouldn't be said in public, but there's only so much they can talk about dressed up as fire chickens at a children's birthday party, even if they're in their own little corner.
He's grateful for the subject change and the chance to move on, though the thought of eating still doesn't feel great.]
Yeah? It looked pretty good.
[He'll at least go through the motion of picking up the plate and oh-- right. He already cut a bunch of pieces off of it earlier. Weirdly that makes dealing with it kind of easier, even if he feels like a five year old having to be coaxed into eating.
Either way, he does at least take a bite. Past Ryan did make it as easy as he possibly could have, after all. But instead of commenting on how it tastes, he gets a thoughtful look.]
So...is it like, cannibalism for us to be eating cake shaped like a torchic's face, or...?
[Min nods approvingly as Ryan takes a bite. He probably doesn't even realise he's doing it, yet alone clock onto how much like his mother he's being. He is still watching expectantly, patiently waiting for Ryan to eat another of those little pieces.
He does laugh slightly at Ryan's train of thought, apparently not concerned enough about the possibility of cannibalism to be put off eating more cake.]
No? I mean... Not unless it's cannibalism for people to eat cakes shaped like people.
I dunno, man. I haven't really eaten a ton of people-shaped cakes, so who knows? Maybe?
[He's joking around, but he does take another bite - evidently he brought it up more for a laugh than anything else, because it isn't actually keeping him from eating it.
He manages three whole pre-cut bites before he sets his fork down, which is frankly good progress for him. Min's seen him go a couple days without food before, even when they weren't guaranteed food in every train car. This time though, he stops because he has one more thing he wants to say. They can't deep dive into anything in the middle of a birthday party, but...there's one more thing he should probably say while he's thinking about it, before it slips forgotten through his fingers or gets weird to bring up out of context.]
Thanks, by the way.
[For listening. For letting Ryan talk about it without judging too hard. Things have been better between them, so really there's no question he would have.]
A lot of the time I'm not...like, I suck at bringing this stuff up? I'm not trying to like hide it, it's just...a lot. And weird to just share out of nowhere? Like I'm not gonna sit at the dinner table and go "Hey Min-Gi, wanna hear about one of the worst gigs ever for no reason?". Then sometimes when it could come up...I dunno?
[He's stumbling over the point, so he decides to just leap straight to the end of the thing he wanted say in the first place.]
But I trust you. So like, if you're ever wondering about something or want to ask me stuff? You totally can. Anytime. Seriously. It's okay.
[He doesn't want it weighing on Min just because he can't always start a conversation about these things, or avoids it when the opportunity to bring it up happens organically.]
[That gets his attention again. He'd been more or less content to let things sit as they were for the moment, but it's nice to know Ryan is open to talking about this kind of stuff. Whether or not he'll find it any easier to bring up is another matter, but the door is open for it. That might help the next time he does have questions. If nothing else it helps relieve the part of his mind that insist Ryan still has secrets he's keeping from him. Has things that he thinks he needs to hide.
He's grateful, even if now isn't the right time to take him up on that.]
Thank you.
[There's a beat. Min-Gi stares resolutely at the plate of cake in his hands, carefully considering his next words.]
I know sometimes it seems like I'm being a buzzkill, but... I'm not trying to be. That's not who I want to be. I just worry. That doesn't mean I want you to feel like you have to keep this kind of stuff from me. If it's something that bothers you, you don't have to wait for it to come up.
[Not that Ryan is generally the type to need to wait for something to come up most of the time. Usually he says whatever comes to mind whether it's relevant or not. It's different with emotional stuff, though. He can understand that. He struggles to talk about more personal things himself, so it's not like he can blame Ryan for the same thing.]
You're not being a buzzkill about stuff like this. You just care, and...that means a lot, man.
[Ryan has gone through his life without that, and it sucks. He's not used to someone caring about his emotional baggage and actually worrying about it, but it's weirdly nice? It's nice to have someone care that much. It makes his heart swell.]
And that's the thing! It sounds like a huge big deal and like, yeah, it was at the time, but...I really don't think about that shitty tour as much anymore. Why would I? I've got our awesome amazing tour now! And now our side tour in this pokémon place! I love being on tour with you!
[He's been so excited ever since they were gifted instruments here. Sometimes it feels like it's all he can talk about.]
It's a totally different experience. Day and night. But it means old tour stuff's not usually bothering me before it comes up. And then it comes up and suddenly we've got a weird birthday show and I have to try and be normal in front of the guy offering to pay us a bunch of money and-- you know. I hadn't thought about it in a while before that. It basically punched me in the face out of nowhere.
Of course I care. You're my best friend. I'm always gonna care about you.
[And even though he still misses the mark sometimes, he's getting a lot better at knowing when something isn't quite right with Ryan, or if a situation is going to be bad for him. He has a lot more power to do something about it now they're adults too. His mom isn't going to send Ryan off back home because it's time for Min-Gi to have his viola lesson, or do homework, or because he needs to speak to grandparents he can barely understand because that's the only time that works with the time difference and Min's carefully constructed schedule. He can be there for him anytime. He would be even if they didn't spend almost every waking moment together already.]
I... don't think we need to worry about the money next time. If there is a next time. I don't think we're going to stay as popular as this, or even how we got this popular after, like, one show... but I think we'll be okay. We can afford to be picky if a show's going to bring up bad stuff for you.
[He's sort of glad they did do this one. It wasn't really his thing. He didn't really get other kids back when he was a kid, and he sure doesn't now. But it wasn't bad, and he would have felt very guilty for ruining a six year old's party even if it was for Ryan's sake.
Something else though? He doesn't mind passing it up if that's better for Ryan. God knows he's had to help Min through show related anxieties enough times. It's only fair he returns the favour now and then.]
[Ryan smiles softly, and he leans to gently bump his shoulder against Min's. He doesn't have the words, but it's nice to have someone in his corner like this. In darker moments he worries about fucking up and losing Min-Gi in the process, but Min won't. Having the assurance that Min will always care and that he isn't going anywhere always feels so good. It's one of the single best things Min can do for him.]
Yeah. ...Yeah, you're right. Or at least we should ask more questions up front like, "Hey, is this going to actually going to be a kid's party?".
[He says it like a joke, but he's not entirely joking - they have definitely learned a lesson here the hard way. He can almost hear their metaphorical number wooshing downward.
Weirdly, he's kind of glad they took this gig too. Not because they would have disappointed a kid on his birthday (though he didn't want to do that either) but because they literally might not have had this conversation otherwise. Who knows when it might have come up again?]
But yeah, we don't have to be desperate. [He doesn't have to be desperate anymore, or put himself back in that weird headspace about it.] Especially since we can skate on this weird fifteen seconds of fame for a bit, and it's not like it's even the only source of income we've got.
[He doesn't say what the other one is, because it's entirely Min-Gi's and also not something to bring up at a children's party. But saying they have more than one income source isn't enough of a red flag on its own.]
[Min returns the smile, reassured to see Ryan looking a little happier now. He seems less tense now he's less concerned, though of course he hasn't forgotten how much this had messed with Ryan's head. He actually does intend to ask more questions about the shows they're offered from now on. Had done even before Ryan made a joke about it.]
Maybe not quite like that, but we should definitely ask more questions. We should probably have for this one too, but who offers that much for a kid's party?
[The dad must be really well off to justify all this, and the way he'd been talking about it it had definitely sounded like a legitimate show. Nothing he'd said had raised any concerns for either of them until they showed up.
Min-Gi glances around nervously at the mention of his other source of income, but he knows logically no one would guess what it was. No one so much as glances at them until he looks around, and even then it's only one of the other parents raising a mild eyebrow before going back to their own conversation.]
Yeah. Plus it's not like I couldn't pick up other work. ['Other work' being hospitality jobs he hates, but at least he's not tied into those.] And I could probably challenge some of the weaker gyms if we got really desperate.
[Not that he thinks they will, but he always feels better with a back up plan.]
[Not that they can really complain, after getting paid a stupid amount for the show. But Ryan can't picture his family shelling out that much for a birthday party. A better bar is that he can't picture Min-Gi's family shelling out that much for a birthday party either. It's super not normal, and yet here they are.
He pops another bite of cake into his mouth and then points his fork at Min accusatorily.]
I think you mean "we". "We" could pick up work and challenge gyms. You don't have to take that on alone if it comes down to something like that.
[Sure, he doesn't have a ton of experience, but he's not going to just sit around and do nothing while Min struggles to make ends meet. Let him help!]
[They can agree on that much. They shouldn't complain since they're the ones reaping the benefits, but it's super weird.
He hesitates before he says anything else. He's not sure how to avoid sounding rude here, but...]
What jobs would you do? [Oof, no. That sounds bad.] Not that you couldn't! But... you don't exactly have the same experience I do. And like... I don't think I could beat Lieutenant Surge yet, so gyms are probably still out for a little bit.
[Explaining his concerns is probably not helping here.]
[It's really not. Ryan can't help making a face at that response.]
I don't know? I'd figure something out. Besides, you said yourself that people hire people for short term stuff all the time around so...I'd see what was around, I guess?
[He's not sure why this particular point has him so weirdly defensive. Min's right that he doesn't have a lot of traditional experience, but he's also never tried to get a job like that before - as evidenced by the story about his desperate $30 gig.]
I'd figure something out, okay? What else am I supposed to do, sit around all day while you go do like three or four different things for money? I'm not doing that, Min. We're in this together.
[Min looks suitably ashamed even just at the face he makes. He knows he shouldn't have questioned it. He should have just been appreciative that Ryan would try when it's not like either of them want to do anything besides make music together. It's not Ryan's fault Min ended up caving to his parents insistence it would be a good idea to apply for a reliable job if he wasn't going to university until the following year. It's not Ryan's fault Min got conscripted into the Poké Mob. It's not Ryan's fault he didn't get pulled here until two months after he did so his teams aren't quite the levels Min's are.
None of that's Ryan's fault, but of course he still wants to contribute even if Chicken Choice Judy isn't pulling in the money they need it to. It doesn't even seem like they'll have to rely on other means in the near future, which just makes having pushed him on it even stupider.]
I know. I'm sorry. I guess I keep thinking it's my responsibility since I've been here longer. I was really freaked out until you finally got here. I picked up a couple of jobs because I needed the money, but that was tough. It felt so normal when everything was weird, and not in a good way. Not like the bathroom. Like I was just stuck again doing whatever other people wanted, and I didn't even get a say.
[He chances a look back over at him, hoping Ryan's not as annoyed.]
I don't want that for you before you've had chance to settle in. I forget you don't need as much time as I do before something new stops being scary for you.
[It's hard to stay annoyed as he listens to Min speak. He can't relate to Min's specific problems, not really. He's never worked in a diner, or been pressured to go into a career he didn't want. He's never had family that would push him as hard as Min's. They never expected him to go to college. Ryan, for better or worse, has always done whatever he wants.
But for once? He can actually see a bigger picture. Maybe it's only because it's been on his mind today, but...the problem, at its core, is kind of the same as his.]
...You were back in that space again.
[Something happened, and then it was like Min never left Dumpty's. It was like Ryan was still on that shitty tour. Something happened and they both slid right back into old habits and worries they thought they'd outgrown.
Ryan sets his hand on Min's shoulder, trying to say more with a gesture than he ever could with words.]
We're not going to get stuck. If it ever does come to something like that? Totally temporary. Just long enough to get us back on our feet. And you'll always, always have a say with me.
[Even if they don't always agree, the last thing Ryan wants is for Min to just go through the motions for his sake.]
And like...I know I've sucked at it before, but. I can take some of that responsibility. Just because you have experience doesn't mean it's good for you. If one day you're like "Dude, I can't even look at another diner without wanting to hurl," I'll get something extra until we figure something else out.
[He gives Min's shoulder a gentle squeeze. He's right here.]
I meant it. We're in this together. Don't take all of it on by yourself, Min.
[There's been many times where they just don't understand each other. Close as they are, they're two different people with very different perspectives on life. But sometimes something connects, and they understand each other perfectly. He knows from Ryan's voice this is one of those moments. He doesn't need the hand on his shoulder to understand they're on the same wavelength, though the warmth of it is pleasantly reassuring and does get a smile out of him.]
I know. So do you. I'm just... I'm used to being the responsible one. Not even just with you. In everything. I know you don't expect me to take on everything, but sometimes it's hard for me to let go of that.
I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't trust you to help if we need it. No one's ever had my back like you do.
[It sucks, but even after the train they still mess up. Sometimes it even feels like they mess up more than they did before, though really it's just they're more likely to talk about it than they were back when they were kids.]
It is different. You know so much more than I do about getting by on the road. You know how to talk people into giving us a shot for shows. I'd never even be able to get a tour going without you.
[Maybe things hadn't gone so well when Ryan had tried to do it solo, but it's not like Min would have even got started without him. He needs him too. They work better as a team, and even though Min-Gi's been here longer that doesn't mean he should forget that.]
[Ryan smiles in a rare way for him - soft and subdued, but genuine. It's so hard to take compliments, but...it feels really good to hear that from Min. To hear the things he's doing right here.]
Together we make the perfect touring band.
[They balance each other out, like they always do. They could have only ever done this together. Ryan manages another bite of cake on his own, but he glances over at Min thoughtfully.]
You wanna ditch once we're done with cake? Even ignoring all my stuff from before...kinda feels weird to hang out too long for this afterparty?
[The entire party is young children and their families, and a few out of place older siblings here and there. He doesn't regret hanging around for a bit - he really needed a minute and he's feeling better and more like himself. Leaving the party is probably okay now, even if it comes with the possibility of talking out other things, if Min thinks of them.]
[He agrees, of course. Since they've started touring it's never stopped amazing him just how well they work together. The parts he can't do come to Ryan with ease, and a lot of the things that seem to have been the downfall of Ryan's solo career are aspects Min-Gi doesn't mind dealing with.
Objectively they still have a long way to go before they can be considered successful (or at least they did back home), but everything runs so smoothly between the two of them that a lot of the time Min-Gi already feels like they're there.
Still. Hearing Ryan say it out loud fills him with warmth. It's a good feeling, though he wishes he couldn't feel his cheeks heating up. He's glad for another subject to switch to, and after another swig from his juice box he sets it down to pick his cake back up to finish.]
Yeah. Let's ditch. We can finish the cake, then round up the Pokémon and finally get out of these stupid costumes.
[Ryan is too, if he's being honest. Under different circumstances the goofy costumes might have been more fun, but now he's just ready to go back to the inn and chill there for a while. He's let out a lot of bottled up feelings and it's sucked out most of his party energy - even for a kid's birthday party.
It's time to escape and reset, and he's so glad Min's onboard with that.]
Definitely. I'm so over this. I want this dumb hood off so bad.
[His desire to get the hell out of this party is greater than his lack of appetite too, so he'll have no problem finishing his cake. Maybe even his juice as well.]
Same. I can't believe I spent so much time on my hair when this is what we were wearing.
[Ryan probably can, especially since they were under the impression this show was going to be a big deal for them right up until they showed up and got the real rundown for it.
At least it's something they can laugh at now. Laughter feels like something that's sorely needed after the ups and down of their post-show conversation.]
We have the rest of the afternoon ahead of us still. What do you want to do? Just chill?
[Actually, the fact that they do have the rest of the afternoon ahead feels like it should've been a warning sign, but he's grateful for it now. They both likely need it. Ryan especially.]
[Ryan definitely can. He could believe Min spent a long time on his hair literally any day of the week, for any occasion. His hair is a work of art, but he can't just blurt that out now.]
Right? Waste of a good look.
[They really should have figured a gig this early in the day would be something weird, but Ryan refuses to give it much thought. It's over now and they're getting out of here.]
I'm good with just chilling if you are. We can always do something later if we want. Man, it's so weird being done with a show while the sun's still out though...
[This day has already been so much and even though he's feeling better now, going back to the inn to wind down and just decompress a little bit sounds really nice right about now.]
[Min laughs at what he takes as a joke, shooting him a look of mock offence. He worked hard on it, okay?]
Chilling sounds good. I'm not even sure what else I'd want to do. I'm so used to just crashing once we get back to the van or our room for the night.
[Obviously he doesn't want to go to sleep now. It would just be nice to unwind for a few hours before doing... something. What, he has no idea, but they'll figure out something. They'll still have the entire evening. It should be a nice fault, but he feels weirdly off-kilter about it.
He shoves a few more mouthfuls of cake in his mouth. Partly to stop himself thinking too much on things that really don't matter, and partly to speed up getting out of here. There isn't that much left so he sets down his plate, looking at Ryan expectantly as he uses the last of his juice to wash the cake down.]
It started with a visit from a flying Raichu with pancakes in tow. Min-Gi was rightly cautious about mysterious free food from a psychic type pokémon, but Ryan dismissed these concerns because what are the odds something like this would happen again? Besides, they were just pancakes. What could possibly happen?
At first, it seemed like Ryan might have been right. He had delicious free Raichu pancakes and Min worried too much and missed out. But the day has only gotten stranger from there.
Ever since then, Ryan has been...particularly clingy. He's kept to the same room as Min-Gi, followed him any time he got up to leave, and been unusually antsy any time he's had to be alone for more than just a few seconds.
Which brings us to now - with Ryan hanging around outside of the bathroom. Their cat pokémon Vogue and Strut are also there, but that part is a little more normal. They're cats; they are always invested in what's happening in a room they aren't allowed to follow someone into. Ryan isn't usually also this invest though, and he's kind of using Vogue and Strut as an excuse to hang out there, idly taking turns petting them.
Is Min still in there? He has to be, right?
Of course he is. He totally is. It just feels like it's been twenty years, that's all.
Ryan is totally fine and can wait quietly out here as long as he needs to. Because if he gets up and goes somewhere else, then Min might come out and go somewhere else, and then he won't know where he is for who knows how long--
--There's a noise.
All three of them perk up, waiting to see if the bathroom door is going to open.]
[Today has been weird. The Raichu hadn't been a great start as far as Min's concerned, but Ryan had been happy enough to indulge them (and himself) by taking the pancakes despite his attempts to warn him away from the idea.
There hadn't been any obvious problems at first, but after a while it's impossible not to notice that Ryan's sticking a little closer than he usually would. Sure they're close and they're already used to being in each other's space, so that's not a problem exactly. It's just this seems more extreme than usual. He can't go anywhere without Ryan following close behind. He even walks into him a few times.
At first he'd been worried. Maybe the pancakes hadn't been such a great idea after all and they'd made Ryan sick, but he claims that's not the case. It's getting to the point where Min-Gi finds himself frustrated by his clinginess and it's getting harder not to show it.
The bathroom is one of the few places he can get any time away from Ryan, and he admittedly drags his feet a little bit to make the most of it. It's a relief to get a few minutes to himself, and by the time he opens the door back up again he's feeling a little better about the situation. It isn't that bad that Ryan wants to be around him so much. It's definitely better than things had been at the start of the month when they'd physically been unable to touch each other.
Or at least he thinks so until he opens the door to find three sets of eyes staring right at him. Strut and Vogue aren't a surprise, but Ryan? Ryan definitely is. He doesn't react as Strut trots over to him and starts rubbing herself around his ankles, eyes locked onto Ryan in mortification.]
[Ryan is very happy to see Min, at least until Min seems kinds of horrified about all of this. Then he at least has the sense to be a little sheepish about it.]
......Noooooo?
[Said in that sing-song question-y way that absolutely means he was here the entire time. There isn't a single doubt.]
I was just...playing with Vogue, because he was already here.
[He reaches for Vogue, but Vogue slips through his fingers and catwalks over to the other side of the room to sit down, far out of reach. He is not helping you out of this, Ryan.]
[Ryan isn't even really trying to pretend he wasn't there. The excuse is weak, and they both know it. Min shoots Ryan a look of annoyance before he stalks off after Vogue, joining him on the opposite side of the room. He fully expects Ryan to follow, but there isn't much he can do about that outside of glaring and hoping that warns him off.
Strut mews in disappointment as she's left behind without so much as an acknowledgement. Her stubby little legs not letting her keep up with her trainer, so she resorts to trying to get attention from Ryan instead. He'd been happy to give it only a few moments ago. Surely he won't let her down.]
What is going on with you today? I can't even use the bathroom without you trying to follow me now?
[Ryan does get up, in an automatic motion, and follow Min across the room. Strut mews behind him, and he does take a second to stop and offer her a ride in his arms, but as soon as he does his eyes are back on Min-Gi, as if he might have vanished in that short time.]
It's not like I followed you in the bathroom.
[That isn't the point and they both know it, but he's still sticking to it anyway, as he literally accompanies Min to the other side of the room.]
There's nothing going on with me! I just...
[He trails off, suddenly not eager to explain himself.]
There's nothing weird going on! I just like hanging out with you, that's all. It's not a big deal!
[That is a truly horrifying thought and now he's going to be worrying about that every time he has to go. Thanks, Ryan.
It's hard to stay too mad when there is clearly something up with him, but he's put up with enough from him today that some of the irritation does linger even beneath his concern.]
I like hanging out with you, too. That doesn't mean you have to be two steps behind me for the entire day. This isn't like you.
[The last thing he needs is Min feeling more uncomfortable than he apparently already does. And that's the worst part - Ryan knows this is annoying and he keeps doing it anyway, and he's just going to push Min away.
And that makes Ryan's chest tight. He can feel his heartbeat in his ears.]
So...three steps then?
[That barely hangs in the air for a second before Ryan is nervously laughing.]
I'm kidding! I'm totally kidding.
[He is not kidding as much as he would like to be.]
[It doesn't matter if he said he didn't do it or not. The fact he even mentioned it makes him wonder whether he'd thought about it, and with how he's been acting today it's not something he'd put past him.]
Ryan.
[He wants to be sympathetic to him. He really does. But Ryan is not making that easy on him. It definitely feels like something is wrong here, and given their talk the other day... it's hard not to think this is his fault. Or that it could be. It's odd that this is only happening a few days later, but what else could be making him act like this?]
Look. If this is about the other day, you don't have to worry. I'm fine. We're fine. I'm not going to disappear if you turn your back for a second.
It's not about that! It's not. I...I know that you won't.
[Then why was that so hard to say? Why does just the thought of it make his hands tremble? It's enough that Strut can actually feel it and squirms out of Ryan's arms.]
A-And like, I've been fine since then, so. It's not that. It wouldn't make any sense...
[He rubs at his elbow, unsure how to feel about the fact that his arms are empty now. None of this makes any sense and he knows he's been super weird and off putting, but he doesn't actually know how to make it stop.]
[Min reaches out to catch Strut. She'd be fine. She's a cat. She's still so tiny he worries about her falling sometimes. Once she's safely set down next to Vogue he motions Ryan over so he can feel his forehead. He's being a pain, but that doesn't stop him worrying.]
Are you sure you aren't sick? I told you those pancakes were a bad idea...
[Ryan moves closer as instructed, his eyes fluttering shut as Min feels his forehead. He isn't warm, but he does actually feel sort of clammy.
Having Min touch him feels incredibly reassuring though, and it takes everything in him not to whine when he does eventually pull his hand away. He needs to stop being like this, or he's going to freak Min out even more.]
I don't think so...? They just tasted like normal pancakes.
[But logically, that's probably what's causing all of this. He doesn't love that Min was probably right, but...]
...I guess I have felt a little weird though. Kind of.
[Lucky for Ryan it's hard for Min to be smug when he's worried. He only looks a little judgy as he draws his hand back, and he doesn't say anything else about the pancakes. What's done is done. It's not as though Ryan can go back and not eat them.]
You should let me go and get something for your stomach. Maybe that would help you feel better.
["Should" because he's not convinced Ryan will let him leave him alone for that long, and he doesn't want to bring him along if he is unwell. He'd be better off staying behind to rest.]
My stomach is totally fine. You don't have to do that. O-Or I could go with you, maybe! We could go out somewhere? Are you hungry?
[He doesn't feel right at all, but maybe he can pretend to be normal in public? Anything, anything but leaving him here by himself. He's trying to smile, but he actually looks kind of terrified at the thought of being left alone.]
We could...I dunno, we could order in? You don't have to go out just for me. Really.
[Min-Gi doesn't look like he's convinced by Ryan's insistence, but it's not like he wants to do anything that will end up getting him more worked up.]
I'm not hungry, Ryan. I'm worried about you.
[But if he can't take Ryan out and he can't go anywhere without him he's sort of stuck. What is he supposed to do if he can't do either of those things? Wait it out until Ryan's feeling better? He doesn't like that option either.]
[Ryan actually seems kind of guilty about that. He knows there's reason for Min to worry, because obviously he's being really weird and can't seem to control it. But Min worrying is going to make Min leave him here by himself and that makes him feel more sick than anything.]
I-I can come with you! I can come with you, I can handle it. I promise.
[He reaches out for Min's hand, and if Min lets him take it he'll feel how untrue that really is - Ryan is still trembling. His heart is pounding.]
I will be one hundred percent fine, just-- just let me come with you. Please?
[This really doesn't help. There's clearly something very wrong, but there's so little Min can do about it without freaking Ryan out even worse.]
Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere.
[Not if he's going to panic like this, even if it delays his recovery from... whatever this is.]
Please, just... try and relax. I'm not going to leave you if you're going to freak out.
[He doesn't want to sound mean, but also he really, really wants Ryan to calm down even if it's just a little bit. He's not going to feel better if he's this worked up.]
[Min doesn't sound mean. He sounds like someone trying to be as reasonable as he can with someone who sounds like they're going nuts in real time. Or at least, that's how Ryan thinks he sounds.
He makes himself breathe slowly, in and out. He's not really sure how long he's been hyperventilating, but making himself breathe does ease some of it. Shutting his eyes would probably help too, but he doesn't want to. Not right now.]
Sorry. I...I don't know what's wrong with me? I don't want to be freaking out! You're right, it's not like me and it just-- i-it'll just make everything worse.
[He bites at his lower lip, trying to will himself to stop feeling like he's going to cry if Min goes to a store without him. A sharp breath in, and a long breath out....]
[For someone who's had his fair share of panic attacks, Min actually does not have much of an idea of how to deal with them. He hovers close to Ryan, reaching out but not quite daring to touch him. As though he's worried Ryan will break if he makes contact.]
It's okay. It's not stupid. You'll... you'll feel better soon, and if you don't want me to go then I won't.
[He still feels like he should get him something, but leaving will definitely only make the situation worse even if he was just planning on fetching things that might help him feel better.]
It's definitely stupid...you should be able to go to the store without me having a nuclear meltdown.
[What is Min supposed to do? Be within arm's reach for the rest of forever? That's not actually reasonable or possible.
Sometimes Ryan doesn't want to be touched when he's feeling particularly overwhelmed or overstimulated. Right now though, the comfort of having Min right there, right obviously there, is more important. He reaches up and takes Min's hand, holding it and rubbing his thumb against the back like a worry stone.]
...Can we sit, or. Or something?
[He doesn't really know what he wants or needs or whatever, but sitting would be better probably.]
[By now Min has gone from wishing he could avoid Ryan more easily to being willing to do just about anything he asks. He nods immediately, turning to shoo the two cats into the corner of the couch with his free hand so there's actually room for them. Neither of them seem thrilled by this, but they're small. They don't need to take up the whole space.
He lets Ryan take the lead on which seat he actually wants to take. If one of them feels a little better than the other then he wants him to be the one who gets to sit there.]
Do you want to do something? Or just sit around for a bit?
[It doesn't really matter what seat Ryan takes, as long as Min-Gi gets the seat next to him. The order is decided less by which seat is better and more by which arrangement doesn't require actually letting go to sit there.
Ryan sinks right back into the couch in a way that clearly seems to feel good, but he makes sure he's turned a little towards Min - not because he thinks he'll go anywhere, but because it just feels a little closer and more intimate that way. Vogue decides to climb into Ryan's lap either out of sympathy or because he wants his seat back, but Ryan seems alright with having something to do with his free hand.]
...Just sitting around is probably boring.
[For Min, he means. He doesn't want to put him through that. It seems like a shitty way to spend a day, though that might be because Ryan's still feeling like a shitty person to spend time with right now.
That being said, he doesn't know what he wants to do either. Even though he can feel himself coming down from the edge, his brain still feels like it's made of cotton.]
Sorry I tried the pancakes. They seemed normal? But...guess not, huh.
[Not wanting to be left out, Strut wedges herself in between Min and Ryan once they're both seated. This seems like the ideal way to maximise attention to her, but unfortunately means she's set between their linked hands. Min has to coax her into his own lap to make she doesn't wind up feeling neglected. Cheering Ryan up is taking enough of his efforts today without needing to tend to a sad Pokémon too.]
It's not boring.
[Or, well... It might be after a while, but for now he's happy to sit there. If this goes on for a while he can figure out something then.]
Do you think it was the pancakes?
[He's trying his best not to sound like he's judging him here. He's still not sure exactly what's happening, which makes it hard to know what he should be doing.]
[It's a small victory, but Ryan chuckles a little when Strut tries to push her way into the middle of everything. He didn't necessarily mind, but...it's admittedly nice to have that space free too.]
Probably? ...at this point I kinda hope it was. Then it'll just go away.
[That makes sense to him. Eventually it'll be out of his system and he'll be back to normal. The thought of it being more permanent than that is more than he can handle.]
...I don't even really know what "it" is? I've just been like, freaking out all day about shit I don't normally freak out this much about. Like...it all feels stupid to say out loud.
[As in he still does freak out about it sometimes. He knows he doesn't have much ground to stand on when it comes to talking stuff out right now, but if Ryan is willing to share then he does want to listen. He just might not be as pushy about it as he would've been if this had happened before All Dressed hatched.
He gives Ryan's hand a reassuring squeeze. He's here. He's not going anywhere. Whatever's going on, they're in this together.]
Talk to me. I'm not going to think it's stupid. If it bothers you then it means something, right?
[Well, he sure walked into that one. Why did he say that? Why did he say it like that? What's wrong with him?!]
It's definitely stupid. It's so, so stupid...
[But he squeezes Min's hand in return. The gesture helps ground him and remind him Min's there. Talking about it feels so much harder, like he's erased any progress he made in that regard.
Saying it out loud is terrifying. It means letting Min know he worries about this kind of thing even occasionally and revealing the horrible truth - that he's clingy and annoying and holding him back--
--and, suddenly he knows exactly how to ease into it.]
It's. It's like a bad thought, almost?
[They've talked about that before, about how they don't necessarily represent the truth of the situation, or what you're really like as a person.]
Like, usually it isn't a thing. And even when it comes up usually I can just like, squish it down and ignore it and move on? Because I... [He heaves a deep, frustrated sigh.] Like, I know better. But...I keep freaking out today anyway. Like, super freaking out, like it's end of the freaking world! Like-- like I'm dying or something, I don't get it!
[Which is, in Ryan's opinion, stupid as hell. He's obviously not dying, so why does the world feel like it's been on fire for the last several hours?!]
[He doesn't have to think about that. His response is quick and definitive, leaving no room for argument from Ryan. He's not unfamiliar with what Ryan's describing, but it's not something he has to deal with anywhere near as frequently as he used to. This isn't about him, but he gets it. He really, really gets it.]
You know... I used to get that feeling a lot. I still don't understand it, but... it happens a lot less since we got off the train.
[He's never actually had to articulate it before, at least not in so much detail. Ryan's helped him a lot, but it might not even be something he knows he's doing? Maybe he's just good at knowing what to say when it feels like the weight of the whole world's pushing down on him. That surprises him. He'd always thought that came from a place of understanding. Now their positions are switched he's not so sure how to do it himself, but he has to try. Ignoring it doesn't help. He knows that much.]
When you keep pushing a problem down, it doesn't go away. It just builds up. Eventually you can't do that anymore. It gets too much, or something happens... and it feels like the end of the world even if you know it's not. I actually thought you knew that. You're always so good at keeping me calm when that happens to me.
[For a second, this attempt to help backfires - not because it doesn't work, but because it works a little too well, and Ryan just stares, totally horrified.]
Wait. ...Wait, wait, wait. This is what that feels like for you?!
[What the fuck. What the fuck. Does this mean it wasn't the pancakes after all? Why does Min know what this feels like when he didn't have any? The worst part is that it doesn't come from a place of disbelief. He believes Min entirely, and that's the part that horrifies him.]
Min! I've spent half of today feeling like my heart was going to explode if I had to be alone! [He seems to realize that's too dramatic the second he says it though and backpedals immediately.] I-I mean, it's not, I'll be okay, but dude! I've never felt this before!
[Ryan stops petting Vogue so he can both Min's hand with both of his, as though Min's the one who needs the comfort.]
I mean...I've been worried or scared before, and I've felt like the world was over, but. It feels...different? It doesn't feel like, like this, in my body. I'm-- Min, I had no idea.
[He isn't thinking about all the times he's helped. He's thinking about all of the times he didn't get it, all of the times he was mad that Min seemingly ditched him without fully appreciating just how scared he must have been. He's come a long way since then, but trying his best to make Min feel better didn't mean that he fully understood how it physically felt.]
...You said it doesn't happen as much now? It's not this bad anymore?
[He really hopes so, because this sucks and he doesn't want Min feeling like this all the time either.]
[Min-Gi doesn't know what to say at first. He'd meant to show understanding, not make this about him and his feelings. He's fine, while Ryan is clearly not. It's also alarming to realise even though they've hashed out the differences they've had in the past, they maybe still don't understand each other as well as they thought. He'd been starting to get the feeling that maybe that was the case from what Ryan had been saying just now, but this is undeniable confirmation that maybe that kind of response to something scary isn't as normal as he'd thought. Which is weird, because he's seen Ryan shut down completely before now. How does that feel, if not the way Min so often does?
But this isn't about him. He shakes off the rising dread. This isn't about him. He can think about this later, when Ryan's back to his usual self.]
No. It's fine now. Sometimes I start to get worried, but you're there for me. You notice, and it barely ever gets to the point where it's too much.
I just... I thought you knew. I thought it was the same for everyone and you were just better at getting yourself back out of that space.
[Apparently not, which explains why he's been acting so strangely all day. He tugs Ryan's hands close to himself, so he can try and get back on track and start trying to comfort Ryan again.]
Sorry I kept trying to get away from you. I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea you were feeling like that.
[Maybe because his impulse is to do the opposite when he starts to feel like everything's too much. It always feels easier to isolate himself. To get away from everything. It isn't good for him, but being alone always feels easier in the moment.]
[Ryan lets Min tug his hands and gently pull him back on course. It's okay, because Min definitely does seem okay. Most of his worry is retroactive, a kneejerk response to realizing he had been imagining this wrong all along - that maybe Min suffered more than Ryan ever understood.
He shakes his head, softly.]
No, it's okay. I haven't been acting like myself. And I promise, I'm not usually freaking out about this. I don't want you like, worrying about me every time we're apart. ...Sometimes bad thoughts cross my mind? Like that you might get sick of me, or that I might wind up by myself again, or...something. But that's all they are. I know that I won't, and I know you won't. ...You're always there for me too, even when I don't know I need it yet.
[Sometimes he just gets an intrusive thought, and he has to tell his brain to shut the fuck up because Min obviously isn't going anywhere. Even when he loses his mind to weird magic pancakes, of all things. Just the fact that he can talk a little more calmly about it show he's already starting to feel better.]
...I'm trying to think of how to describe how it feels. I've, um. I've never had to think about it before?
[But he wants to. Min should know, so he knows what he's weighing this against in his head, but he can't if he can't put it to words.]
But...hey, maybe your way's the normal one? I could be the weirdo here.
I could never get sick of you. Do you know how much time I spent thinking about you when you were gone? I never knew it was possible to miss someone so much.
[Sure he'd been angry a lot of the time, but most of that had been frustration at his absence, or his own inability to break free of the monotony of his life the way Ryan had. He can't imagine going that long without seeing him again, and he wouldn't want to. Ryan's a fundamental part of his life, and it's hard not to be around him.]
You don't have to tell me right now. If that's not the problem now won't it just make you worse to start thinking about it?
[Or would it help? It's hard for him to say since he's apparently been wrong about how Ryan feels when he's down this whole time.]
[Ryan knows this is true. It's why the whole thing felt so dumb in the first place - because he knows all of this is true. Hearing Min say it out loud strikes a different chord though, and it finally brings a smile to his face.]
...Me either. I missed you too.
[He squeezes Min's hand, as if to punctuate the thought. It's a weird way to hold someone's hand, with both of his own, but he still doesn't really want to let go.
Min has a point though, and he considers it.]
...Maybe? But, if I'm not feeling how I usually do...maybe it won't? Plus, you're here. ...And I can always stop.
[That in itself is a good reminder, because talking it out is also kind of scary, but Min's right here. He's here and that's enough for him to be able to try.]
I think...it's usually heavy? Heavy and slow. Like...it sucks all the energy out of me. Sometimes it's, um. Kind of numb? It's hard to describe, but usually I either push through it and try and get my mind off it, or just...curl up and ride it out, I guess?
[He looks to Min-Gi, trying to gauge if any of this makes sense. He feels like it doesn't, like he's just babbling in circles here, but...at least he's trying.]
Right now everything wants to be really, really fast and urgent. But, uh. Normally it's more like...not feeling like I can move at all. Or like it's ridiculously hard, like my whole body's just dead weight.
[Min doesn't complain, if he thinks it's strange. Honestly, it doesn't cross his mind. He's used to Ryan's touch, and if this is different from usual then he figures it's only because he needs the comfort. He's fine with that.
He's a little less fine with Ryan making himself think about things that might make him feel worse, but he doesn't want to come across like he's trying to control him. He has to trust him, even when he's worried. Ryan knows what he can handle, and there are things about him that Min apparently doesn't know as well as he thought.
So he listens, even if he can't keep the concern from his features completely.]
I've seen it.
[But he didn't recognise it. He's misunderstood. Taken it for the aftermath rather than the panic itself. He feels bad now that he'd let Ryan wallow in it for so long.]
I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought you needed time. Afterwards. I thought I needed to wait.
[It doesn't surprise Ryan that Min's noticed it. It's happened enough times that he's genuinely not sure which time Min might be talking about at first. It becomes clearer though, and Ryan squeezes his hand again, ready to turn the comfort back on him again.]
No, you don't need to be sorry. I did need time, and I found you when I was ready. ...I could hear you playing, and it kind of snapped me out of some of it.
[So, Min helped. He helped more than he might have even realized.]
And that one was...pretty bad. A lot of the time I can just push through, you know? Go through the motions until it sucks less, or until I can be done with whatever it is. Sometimes other stuff happens too, but...yeah. I guess I just...shut off for the most part.
[Whereas this feels more like he is not only on at full volume, but the speakers are turned up so high that they're blowing out.]
[Ryan's attempt at comfort is not actually that helpful. Partly because even if he did need time back when they were staying with Morgan he's very aware that he gave him way too much of it. Then also because he can think of multiple other times where he knew things weren't quite right, but couldn't understand what the problem was.
Now he's had it articulated to him he can pinpoint far more times than he'd like where he'd missed the signs, and he's horrified.]
I had no idea.
[What is he meant to say here? He can't make it better. The time's already gone. ]
Ryan... That doesn't sound any better. I can't believe I never knew.
[Or when he had he hadn't realised how bad that was. It wasn't like he'd missed completely that Ryan wasn't himself when that had happened.]
[He so wants to insist that it's better than everything he's been feeling today, because he really hates how this fear makes him feel like he's actively dying, but he holds back. It seems kind of shitty when he knows this is how Min feels things, and it's a little messed up to argue as though it's a contest.]
I mean...I didn't know you felt like this either, so. We're even?
[It's the best he can offer. Neither of them can change what they've said or done, but they know now. Ryan doesn't blame him, not even for a second. And sure, he feels bad about all the times he's been insensitive, but...
Actually, the fact that there's any hesitation there at all is remarkable. Ryan sighs, relieved.]
[Except he sort of is, isn't he? They're naturally competitive and that isn't always bad, but it's pretty messed up to try and one up each other at this of all things. It's at least a relief that Ryan says this is helping. He does seem a little better, even if it hasn't exactly felt like the most reassuring of conversations to Min.]
It is?
[It is talking, which is something that's always helped ground him when this has happened to him. And they are learning about each other. He doesn't feel great about all the times he's let Ryan down in the past, but if he's feeling better now, even if it's only a little, then it can't be all bad.]
Good. I'm glad. Do you want to keep talking about this, or...?
[Or would a distraction be better? He isn't sure, and doesn't want to push Ryan in a direction that will make him feel worse again if he can help it.]
[Under normal circumstances, talking is something Ryan usually needs when he's feeling terrible. Someone to pull him back down to earth and help him feel his feelings, to ground him in the moment when he wants to just melt into the earth and to try and get him to talk when he's trying to run from a conversation.
It says a lot that talking still helps now, even when the emotions are less familiar. It must be something that helps Min too.
Though...Min needs to be ready. Just a few days ago he made it clear that talking isn't always something he wants.
Ryan glances up, trying to think about what he wants or needs. He's...not sure he wants to open up more about that particular thing. It's worrying Min, and turning into something more difficult to share in the moment. He's feeling better, but the thought of that panic creeping back up from his heart and into his throat makes him worry that the progress could get undone.
Still, there's this feeling they should do something. Anything.]
We could...get something to eat?
[Vogue (who has been casually making biscuits on Ryan for the last several minutes to try and help) perks his ears up. Food??]
We could order in. Unless we have something here?
[Distraction is good, but it's the kind of distraction that leaves the door open slightly in case they do need to talk more. Plus, it's probably a good sign in general that Ryan has any appetite at all.]
[He waits patiently for whatever decision Ryan comes to. If he says anything that might influence him, and that's not what Min wants to do here. Though when he brings up food he almost wonders if he somehow might have anyway. Ryan is usually a nightmare to convince to eat when he's not feeling good about something. Bringing food up of his own volition (twice if they count his earlier freak out earlier) is practically unheard of.
Then again, Ryan's said himself he's not used to feeling anxious like this, and Min knows first hand how much energy it can end up burning. Maybe he's starting to feel it now he's a little more himself.]
We can order in. Stay here. I'm just grabbing the menus. I promise I'm not really going anywhere.
[They could order something on the Gears easily, but fascinating as Min-Gi finds the idea he can't quite bring himself to trust it. He'd rather phone and have it delivered, or go and collect it himself on some occasions. Not that he plans on doing that today. It seems better if they both stay right here for now.
He looses Ryan's hands after one more reassuring squeeze, scooping up Strut under one arm and hastily moving the short distance to the drawer where he's stashed the takeout menus he's collected so far for Lavender. He doesn't want to leave Ryan for long now he understands what's going on with him, and wastes no time returning to him with the menus in his free hand.]
What do you feel like? We can get whatever you want.
[Ryan believes him, he trusts him, but he still feels a cold shiver run down his spine when Min lets go. In a mark of slight improvement though, he doesn't get up and follow Min anyway. He stays where he's told with Vogue curled up in his lap, but his eyes track Min everywhere he goes, from the couch to the drawer and then back to the couch again.]
Literally anything but pancakes. I don't want to look at a pancake again for the rest of my life...
[He's very aware that he did this to himself, even if he didn't know there was magical fine print involved, but he might literally never be in the mood for pancakes after all of this.
Unfortunately, that doesn't actually narrow it down at all. Ryan thumbs through the menus, sticking one for a diner that serves breakfast all day on the bottom where he doesn't have to think about it.]
Uh...I dunno, pizza maybe? What kind of toppings should we get?
[You know, on the assumption that they'd split one. While Min's thinking about that, Ryan spies something further down that particular menu and gasps.]
Oh my god, I think this one's Hawaiian? Except there's no Hawaii here so it's-- [Wait. He squints.] A...lolan? Aw, I thought it said "Aloha"-n. That would've been funnier.
[He probably should have filtered out the menus where pancakes might be an option, but it's fine. Ryan is capable of ignoring whatever he doesn't like. Which turns out not to actually be that much.
Min refrains from commenting on anything that Ryan looks at, waiting until his opinion is invited for once. If they get pizza it makes sense they would share, so he does start to try and think about it, shaking his head quietly at Strut as she tries to voice her thoughts. They have plenty of more Pokémon friendly foods. She will not be getting pizza.]
Do you want Hawaiian? Or... "Aloha"-n.
[It wouldn't be his first pick, but he is trying very hard to sound neutral so Ryan will choose what he actually wants. And "Aloha"-n would be pretty funny.]
[As soon as Strut starts adding her opinion, Vogue starts meow-ing along. This is a group decision, obviously. Obviously.
Unfortunately for Min, Ryan already knows that isn't his go-to order and that sways him from the start. He's admittedly a little curious if it's actually the same, but he shakes his head.]
Nah, I just thought it was funny.
[He hums thoughtfully as he looks through the menu. They aren't going to get anywhere if they just wait for each other to make a choice though, so he goes for a new plan.]
Well...whatever we get on it, I want extra cheese. And...an order of fries.
[Ryan looks to Min, now that he's put down a couple real suggestions.]
[This is not a group decision and Min will be ignoring their hungry felines, no matter how annoying they try to make it. He hadn't been paying that much attention to what's on the menu (not that his order usually changes much when it comes to pizza), so he leans in now so he can at least claim he'd looked it over properly.]
You know what? Hawaiian does sound pretty good. Let's see if it really is the same thing. Do you want anything else? Or soda?
[By now Strut is trying to climb his chest so she can complain about the lack of input she has directly into his ear. Doing this in front of their Pokémon might have been a mistake.]
Calm down. We'll feed you guys after we put in an order.
[Their hungry felines are very distracting, and Ryan scritches Vogue behind the ears.]
You hear that? You're gonna get to eat even before we do, so you've got nothing to whine about. [This is then undermined immediately by soft cooing--] Aw, I know. Your life is so hard...
[Vogue purrs in reply, happy that Ryan understands his life is in fact the hardest life that any pokémon has ever lived. No one has suffered like Vogue suffers, having to listen to his human and his secondary human order pizza for themselves!
Min's choice registers after that and Ryan perks right up. He genuinely hadn't been expecting Min to go for it and wouldn't have been upset if he picked something else, but he's admittedly pretty curious about it and might have thought about it for the rest of his life if they didn't try it.]
Yes! Definitely fries. --Oh, soda would be good too. Whatever's closest to Sprite?
[He definitely hasn't been paying attention to what the Poké-brand names are unless they're funny. Something about getting soda feels like a splurge since they definitely have drinks where they are, but it isn't exactly a huge one. It feels like a special treat!]
[Any other time and Min might have at least complained about it, but Ryan isn't feeling good today and even if it's his own fault Min still feels kind of bad for how frustrated he'd been. It's not like he dislikes it, so he's not really putting himself out here.]
Don't worry, I wouldn't forget your fries.
[It wouldn't be surprising if he'd missed it given the noise Strut is still making, but he's pretty good at retaining orders in his head. Especially when it comes to Ryan whose likes and dislikes he knows almost as well as his own.]
Strut, it's going to take longer if they can't hear me. Vogue's being good.
[She doesn't seem too thrilled at being compared negatively to the other cat, but the upside of her being a Pokémon is the same downside that had caused all this drama in the first place. They understand exactly what their humans are saying, so she does reluctantly settle down to let Min put in the order.
He takes the menu from Ryan so he can dial the number on his Gear, ordering them an Alolan pizza, their own separate fries, and a large bottle of Sprite. Just Sprite, strangely.]
[Ryan lets Min have the menu with ease, and now that he has a free hand he offers it to Strut if she would also like scritches and attention.]
Aw, you're good too, Strut. C'mere--
[Aside from that, Ryan keeps quiet and lets Min do the ordering. He doesn't forget the fries (and they each get their own!) and...huh. When Min hangs up the phone, Ryan tilts his head curiously at him.]
Sooo...Hawaii doesn't exist but Sprite is still Sprite? This place is so weird sometimes.
["Sometimes", as though he wasn't subjected to magic mood-changing pancakes this morning.]
[Min-Gi gives Ryan a look that says he definitely doesn't think Strut is good. At least not in that moment. Strut is more than happy to get what attention she can from Ryan's free hand though, purring up a storm in the typical way she does when she is hoping for food but has already been scolded for crying too loudly. If her human is being mean, maybe this one will take pity on her.
He shrugs at Ryan's question as he sets down his Gear, glancing down to see if Strut wants to come back to him but she only seems to have eyes for Ryan for the moment.]
I guess. The label's different, but it still basically tastes like Sprite.
[Because he has definitely been stumped looking for versions of things in their world in this one, and may or may not have frustrated multiple retail workers who had no idea what he was talking about.
Unfortunately, it's Vogue's turn to be a little naughty. Min-Gi is clearly off of his Gear and he and Strut were promised food! So he stretches big in Ryan's lap and makes a big show of stepping over him (and over Strut) to go right up to Min-Gi. He puts both of his palms on Min's side and meows up at him like he is starving.
No one has suffered like he has suffered!!! Min promised food and it's been a whole thirty seconds!
(Ryan should probably stop this, but he's busy trying not to laugh.)]
[It's hard to say whether Min looks more offended or worn out by Vogue's display. It's been a long day with very little time to himself between Ryan and the cats, and he really isn't enjoying yet more pestering.]
Fine. I'll feed you. Are you happy now?
[Likely not since he's only getting up and they do not actually have food yet. Strut takes note of his movement, though, hopping away from Ryan and getting herself under Min's feet as he goes to feed them.
She is starving!! Vogue is starving!! Why isn't he doing this faster?]
[Vogue is clearly a good influence on the resident baby kitten. Every mew from Strut gets an echo encouragement from Vogue as they follow Min to get food.
This time, Ryan doesn't have to be told to stay put. He does watch, but it's more because the whole thing is kind of endearing, even if Min is getting frustrated with them. It just reminds him how sweet Min is to put up with all of this today.]
Need any help over there, man?
[The question is noticeably lacking the absolute desperation to be glued to the hip with Min, and thus is a marked improvement overall. Ryan just feels a little bad that he's sitting and watching Min take care of both of their Pokémon, even though Ryan would do the same if their situations were reversed. There wouldn't even be a second thought.]
[Min's not feeling all that sweet and doesn't look it either, but neither cat is put off by his obvious grumpiness. He shakes his head at the offer of help. It's annoying, but it won't take long and they'll be happy once they have their food.]
No, it's fine. I've got it.
[It does wind up taking longer than it should. They're both so noisy and somehow know exactly where they need to be to get in his way. Eventually, though, both cats have food in bowls far enough apart they hopefully won't try and steal from each other and Min-Gi is free to sit back down.
He's glad Ryan is apparently feeling himself enough he could keep out of it. He doesn't want to ask if the pancakes are wearing off and risk reminding him to feel clingy, but it's nice to see him a bit more relaxed even when he'd almost been on the far side of the room.]
They're so going to want more when the pizza gets here.
[The cats are both very obnoxious until they get their food, but then settle into their own bowls (or at least Vogue does). Once they're both done though, Vogue mrows for Strut to come over, and Ryan and Min are treated to Vogue trying to give baby Strut a lil tongue bath, whether she wants one or not. The whole thing makes Ryan chuckle.]
Oh, totally. They'll be like, "You haven't fed us in 100 years! Give us what you're eating!"
[Cats are cats, even if those cats are Pokémon.
There's a thought on Ryan's mind though, and he blurts it out before he forgets to, or before they get too deep into kitty cat antics.]
...Thanks for everything today, by the way. I know it's been like, super annoying.
[Strut does actually keep to her own bowl. Min's managed to train her to do that much without complaint at least, though she does throw the occasional jealous glance over at Vogue just to make sure he doesn't have something better.]
It's okay. You put up with me when I'm being weird. It's only fair if I do the same for you.
[Ryan's put up with a lot from him lately, so annoyed as he'd been earlier it's hard to find it in himself to stay irritated now they've talked it out. He's just grateful he seems more like himself.]
[Now that Ryan doesn't have pokémon in his lap, he pulls his legs up on the couch and curls into the corner, facing Min and making himself cozy in the process. His heart flutters at Min's response - and for once today it isn't in the horrible panic sort of way. It's soft and warm, and Ryan knows he's so grateful to have Min-Gi.]
Pfft. You haven't been that weird. I'm pretty sure I've been way weirder lately?
[Not even just today - there's the torchic performance, and the freak out he had about getting the evidence removed from Joltiktoc, and how irritating he was when he and Min were repelling each other like magnets. It's not a competition or anything, but it's hard for Ryan to not feel like he's been harder to deal with.]
[Min shifts almost imperceptibly. He's still sitting normally, but the angle brings him closer to Ryan and lets them face each other more easily.]
Are you kidding me? There have been so many times where I've been way weirder.
[There's the whole Poké Mafia thing, how nervous their sudden rise to fame had made him even before the publication of their Torchic photos, and the ongoing problem of how much he hates being around psychic Pokémon. It's not a competition, but if it was Min's sure he has the edge.]
You'd be fine without me. I got by, didn't I? It's way better having you here though.
[It's such a tiny shift, but it makes the space between them feel even smaller - something Ryan appreciates more than Min-Gi will probably ever know. He shakes his head and laughs a little.]
I'm not kidding! Besides all your weird is like, normal kinds of weird. Mine's weirder weird, so it counts twice as much.
[He's being light and playful about it now though - this is a game and he's winning.]
Mm, you did. Buuuut even if I could do it alone, I wouldn't want to. It would suck so much. I'm...[He actually falters trying to find the words he wants.] ...I'm just. Super glad you're with me?
[That has him laughing, and he reaches out to nudge Ryan's feet playfully.]
Oh, yeah. Me as a criminal? That's totally normal compared to your stuff. What was I thinking?
[The other part of the conversation isn't something that feels so easy. Mostly because Ryan has no idea what he's doing to him, coming out with stuff like that. He knows how he means it, but that doesn't stop him forgetting how to breathe for a moment.]
[Alright, maybe Min has a point there. Ryan snickers and pushes back against Min.]
I didn't mean it like that! I meant it's a normal thing to be freaking out about. Who wouldn't freak out about suddenly having to be a criminal?
[Even Ryan probably wouldn't be totally calm about that.]
Meanwhile I'm over here like "Oh no, I ate pancakes that made me lose my freaking mind!"
[He is the clear winner here. Though, it's not clear if this is a contest anyone should really want to win? Luckily for Min, he doesn't have any more embarrassing words for him, but...having the sentiment returned, no matter how many times he's heard it before, brings a bit of color to Ryan's cheeks.]
At least you didn't come back to our room with some random kid stuck to you.
[Ryan may have the edge today, but it's not like nothing weird has ever happened to him here. Apparently Min-Gi isn't willing to give up too easily even if this particular contest isn't one either of them should be trying to win at.
He does cave pretty fast at Ryan's pushback, but makes no move to really move his hand away either. For Ryan's benefit, obviously. He's doing better, but he probably still wants to be as close as possible.]
Right, right, the same day I broke our tent and then proceeded to be ridiculously clingy for someone who literally couldn't touch you.
[He was weird that day too, so clearly his weirdness still outnumbers Min's! This is a very normal contest to be trying to win at!
That being said, Ryan is very aware of Min's hand staying where it is. It's so sweet of him to still be worrying this much, even though he's definitely feeling mostly better now. He sneaks a hand over to gently rest on the back of Min's.
Maybe he shouldn't be milking this for all it's worth. But...this is nice. Being close and cozy and being able to touch is just nice. And being playfully competitive at the same time just makes it all feel so weirdly normal.]
I think you mean we broke our tent, and I was trying super hard to avoid you. I don't think you can beat me for weirdness on that day.
[There's a definite hint of challenge in his expression that belies the softness of their touch. He almost wishes they didn't have food on the way that will inevitably end up interrupting the moment.]
[Min pretends to consider that before nudging Ryan again with a smug grin.]
You know what? You're right. I guess that was pretty weird of you.
[It might seem mean if not for the deep affection obvious in his voice. The switch in stance hadn't been in his original plans, but sometimes it's fun to be mean to Ryan.]
[For a second, Ryan looks playfully scandalized. What?! No!! If he's that smug about it then he wins!
But then he remembers two can play the smug game.]
Thank you. Now that I've been officially crowned the biggest weirdo in the house I'd like to thank the Recording Academy, all of our future fans, NOT my parents OR my siblings because I got this weird on my own, aaaaand Min-Gi Park for always believing in me and for driving me absolutely insane for two whole decades.
[He was counting off on his fingers, and when he leaves out his family that leaves three fingers up - conveniently in the shape of the infamous rock and roll devil horns, which he throws at Min while sticking out his tongue to really rub that last point in.]
[For a moment Min thinks he has him. Really, he should know better after two whole decades. Of course Ryan wouldn't give in that easily. Min-Gi pulls away from Ryan, looking mock offended at his acceptance speech.]
Wow. What happened to being super glad I'm with you? But if that's how you feel...
[He sighs deeply, shaking his head as he looks away from him. Strut seems to take his sadness as genuine and squirms herself free from Vogue to trot over and jump back on his lap. Don't be sad, human! Strut is here and she is adorable.]
[Strut might see it as genuine, but Vogue doesn't and he and Ryan share a quiet look from across the room. That's enough for Vogue to decide this isn't his problem and that it's more important to figure out how to get up on the counters while no one is paying attention to him.]
I am super glad I'm with you. Both things can be true, y'know. Maybe I'm happy you drive me insane.
[Min drives him crazy and he wouldn't have it any other way. If one person is going to consistently make Ryan feel like he's losing his mind, like his heart's going to flutter out of his chest, it's going to be Min-Gi.]
[Min has to divert some of his attention over to Strut to reassure her, but it's not enough to put him off joking around with Ryan completely.]
Okay, that is weird. No wonder I couldn't win against you.
[That's not really true. Ryan drives him crazy all the time, but he'd never change that about him. He wouldn't be Ryan if he didn't, and Min already knows how much better his life is with him in it.]
[Neither would Ryan. Today's been concrete evidence of just how much Ryan wants and maybe even needs Min around, but he would never want to change anything about him ever.]
What can I say? I set a very high and very weird bar.
[He laughs, content to be the weird champion, and reaches over to give Strut some pets too. Double attention for the baby!]
[Strut seems immediately content to accept that everything is okay, and doesn't complain about getting double the attention.]
You do, but that's why I love you.
[He hasn't said it since the Torchic thing blew up online, but it's true and with Ryan feeling more vulnerable today it seems like a good time to remind him. He looks vaguely awkward about saying it, but not uncomfortable.]
[It's not the first time Min's said he loves him, but it blindsides him anyway. Because really, it's more than "I love you" - it's "this is why I love you" A blush spreads across his face in an instant and he's at a loss for words. For a second he forgets to breathe.]
I-I love you too! [Wait. Too enthusiastic. Fuck.] ...I love you too.
[And naturally, before anyone can dissect that weird response, there's a knock at the door. Pizza, thankfully delivered by human hands.]
[His cheeks go pink at Ryan's response. Min still has to wonder if maybe it's too weird a thing to say, but he seems more surprised than uncomfortable with it. And he did say it back.
Thankfully neither of them have much time to dwell on it before the pizza arrives. He jumps, instinctively scooting back like he's been caught out at the knock on the door. Although he was the one who ordered it takes him a moment to realise who it must be. He deposits Strut on Ryan's lap, standing stiffly and moving to grab his wallet from where he left it before he answers the door.]
I'll get it.
[It doesn't take long to sort out. He just has to pay and tip for delivery, and he'd already known how much he'd need for that. He returns with a box and a carrier bag with their Sprite and fries. This is where there might be a problem. Strut's standing tall (or at least as tall as she can), and her eyes are wide as she eyes up the box.]
[The entire time Min-Gi's gone, Ryan has his face buried in his hands and he's just letting his face steam in there while Strut nudges him. As soon as he hears the door shut he drops his hands so Min doesn't have reason to worry - he just really, really needed a second there.
Plus, Strut is a good distraction. Ryan can't help laughing at the very dramatic reaction.]
Hang on, I got it--
[He dips into the bag with the fries and pulls one out for her to see. Look at that! A french fry! You want the fry??? He flicks his wrist toward the other side of the room, and Strut leaps off and goes running--!
...And Ryan opens his hand, revealing to Min that the fry is still there. He pops it in his mouth, and went Strut inevitably returns Ryan has his legs pulled up so she can't sit on him. Sorry Strut, it's their dinner time now.]
[Min-Gi does not look amused by the Skitty's antics. He's not surprised, but he is disappointed. He's opens his mouth to tell Ryan off about feeding a cat fries when he seems to indulge her, but he opens up his hand again before he gets chance and that has Min laughing as he sits back down.
Strut wails loudly as she returns, unable to get up onto either of them since Min has the box on his lap. She calls out for support from Vogue. Surely the humans couldn't resist both of them?
For now her pleas for food fall on deaf ears as Min passes Ryan his fries then opens the box, tilting it towards Ryan to offer him a slice.]
It looks just like Hawaiian.
[Despite it being Ryan's pick, Min sounds genuinely fascinated by this.]
[Vogue's mrow in return is very "meh". He would normally beg, but he can smell the sharp pineapple and he doesn't want any of that, thank you.
While everyone else has been busy with emotions and whatnot, Vogue has been being sneaky looking in cupboards in the kitchenette. There isn't a lot there since their stay is temporary, but surely the treats are somewhere...
Ryan is not paying him any attention anyway. He just stares at the slice in his hand.]
Woah. It totally does...
[Without examining it further (since it came from a human restaurant and not a random psychic pokémon) Ryan impulsively takes a bite. Once he swallows, he happily reports--]
Tastes like it too! That's so weird...
[A good sort of weird though, one that Ryan is enjoying.]
[Strut yowls louder still at Vogue's betrayal. Why won't anyone help this poor, starving feline? She hasn't caught onto Vogue's more subtle tactic, still thinking she needs to rely on humans to give her tasty things.
His instincts are on point though. No matter how short the stay, Min-Gi likes to unpack and put things they'll likely need in their proper place. Treats are an essential when you have Pokémon as spoiled as theirs. The treats are in there... Somewhere.
Min's barely picked up his own slice by the time Ryan's already tucking in, and he pauses to glance at him as he reacts.]
Yeah?
[He raises an eyebrow, then takes a bite himself.]
Huh. It does. It's weird how many things are like that here. Like... you'd think it'd be way more different, right? Even with the same foods there'd be some different way they'd figured out how to make it. But this is just a Hawaiian.
[This is something Ryan absolutely can't do when he's traveling, and another reason he's lucky to have Min with him. When left to his own devices he lives out of whatever bag he packed for the occasion, or just leaves most of his stuff in the van. If he unpacks and puts anything away, it's almost guaranteed to be forgotten about come check-out time. There's absolutely no putting anything away for safe keeping because as soon as it's shut in an unfamiliar drawer, it's gone. His sense of object permanence disappears.]
Right! Like it's one thing to just happen to come up with the same combinations, but they literally named it Aloha-n Pizza. That's Hawaiian, man! How would they even know to call this kind of pizza that if there isn't a Hawaii here?
[Maybe because it's Alolan and not Aloha-n, but it's still pretty damn close so the point...almost stands?]
Fine. But don't come complaining to me when it turns out inferior to the real deal.
[Really, he'd be on it in a second no matter how bad the region name may end up being. Alolan pizza is fine, so he has no reason to think poutine would be any different.]
[It's still early in the day, and the initial panic of being red and blue stained gem people has already lost some of its novelty. A check-in on their Pokégears reveals that it is apparently one of those weekends, and that's enough to reassure Ryan that whatever this is, it isn't permanent.
There are all sorts of little odd things about it, like how his gem somehow feels like it's the entire center of his being or how his boots and shirt and such feel like they're basically painted onto him. His whole body is an unnatural reddish-pink and somehow he feels really light, impossibly so - like all of his mass is inside his gem.
Red Jade. He doesn't know why he knows that's what it is, but he knows it instinctively.
At the moment, they're hanging out at their place in Vermillion. They have a wedding to play in a couple of days, so it made the most sense to stay local until they have to take the ferry and get some practice in. This turn of events is unbelievably distracting though, and naturally they haven't gotten a ton done. Ryan's pacing around, trying to distract himself with the task at hand - finalizing their contributions to the collaborative set list. Vogue is making a game of following his steps.]
Hmmm...you think White Wedding's too on the nose to use?
[Is it on the nose or is it actually just a lyrically bad pick for a wedding? Who's to say?]
[Strut follows after Vogue, nipping at his tail to try and get some of the attention she's clearly being deprived of. Min-Gi is the only one that's static. He's hardly moved since he set up his synth, not enjoying how utterly unlike himself he looks and feels. He doesn't like the glimpses of blue he keeps catching, or that his clothes are somehow a part of him, or the feel of fabric on fabric(?) from the pants he's put on over just so he doesn't feel quite so naked.
He looks up at Ryan's suggestion, perplexed and maybe a little offended on the couple's behalf.]
No way, man. Just because a song's got wedding in the title that doesn't mean you can sing it at one.
[Not that he's coming up with anything at the moment.]
[Ryan kind of expected this answer to some degree, but he's grinning anyway. Min set him up perfectly.]
But Miiiiin, it's a--
[Then he dips his voice low, probably a little too Ridge Irvine sand paper and not enough Billy Idol, but the joke still stands.]
♪ --nice day for a~ white weddingggg It's a~ nice day to~ start agaaaaain ♪
[He can't keep it going much more than that though, because he's starting to laugh too much. Vogue has turned his attention directly to Strut from all of the tail nipping, but she should look out-- he's low to the ground, butt wiggling in the air, and clearly plotting to pounce.]
Shut up. That isn't even what Billy Idol sounds like.
[He still isn't really looking at Ryan, but his irritation is clearly put on and there's a hint of a smile tugging at his lips as he tries to suppress a snigger. He has to stop and think before he can give any answers though. It's surprisingly hard to think up a good song for a wedding. There are no shortage of love songs, but none of them feel right. They're too cheesy, or too sad, or don't fit what (admittedly little) he knows about them as a couple. He taps out a few absent notes on the keyboard, trying to think up a real suggestion.
Strut, meanwhile, is just happy that someone is paying her attention. She either doesn't know or doesn't care that she's about to be pounced on, crouching before Vogue to mimic his pose.]
How about...
[He doesn't sound totally sure of whatever he's about to suggest, but after a short deliberation he starts to play out the intro to a song.]
♪ How can I convince you What you see is real? Who am I to blame you For doubting what you feel...? ♪
[He trails off, looking over at Ryan for his thoughts. He figures it's a better option than White Wedding if nothing else.]
[Ryan sways a little, as if he's feeling out the music to try and remember it, but once the lyrics hit his face lights up. That's a good one! Instead of saying as much he just joins in, taking the second half of the verse for himself.]
♪ I was always reachin' You were just a girl I knew I took for granted The friend I had in you ♪
[He stops pacing, instead moving toward Min-Gi and his synth. There's no planning - he knows intuitively that they'll come together for the chorus in harmony.]
♪ I was living for a dreaaaaam Loving for a momeeeeent Taking on theeee woooorld That was just myyyy styyyle ♪
[It really was, wasn't it? He knows all the words, but Ryan hasn't thought about this song in a long time. It feels so much different than it did in high school, after everything they've been through.
His attention is on Min and his song choice, and unfortunately not at all on their cat pokémon. Almost on cue, Vogue takes for granted the friend he has in Strut and leaps into a tackle, sending both cats tumbling across the floor.]
[He can tell before Ryan even joins in his has his approval. It gives him the confidence to keep playing, letting Ryan take over the words for a moment before they come together for the chorus.
It hadn't occurred to him when he'd thought of it just how easily this song could apply to them if the lyrics weren't so blatantly romantic, but hearing the words from Ryan's own mouth has his cheeks heating up a little. He's not sure how he can take looking into Ryan's eyes while actually singing about looking into his eyes, but thankfully the thud and quickly following yowl as Vogue tackles Strut spares him that dilemma. He stops playing abruptly, standing up quicker than he means to to investigate the commotion.
Strut is fine, despite all her dramatic wailing. Min-Gi, on the other hand, still isn't used to his new centre of gravity and has to steady himself.]
Strut! Can't you see we're trying to work?
[Because honestly? She might be underneath, but he has a strong feeling she's probably the instigator here.]
[Min doesn't have to steady himself long. Ryan sees what's happening and he's instantly there, hands out to catch Min by his shoulders so he doesn't stumble.]
It's fine; they're just play-- Vogue! No! Cut it out!
[Vogue had spent a few pretending he wasn't the problem child, but Ryan's caught him red-handed with his mouth open, ready to sneakily nip one of Strut's big ol' ears. He pouts, slowly shuts his mouth, and then lays down to sulk about not being allowed to have any fun ever.]
...Maybe they have a point though? Not the biting thing, but. Maybe we could use a break?
[He reaches to take Min's hand, as though lightly holding and swinging it a little will really convince him that it should be break time now and not work time. A totally compelling argument.]
[Strut has already forgotten how much of a fuss she'd been kicking up apparently, and flops her stubby little self right onto Vogue's back with a contented mewl. He might not be happy, but she sure is.]
Do we have time for a break? This isn't just some gig.
[Not that he doesn't also take their gigs seriously, no matter how big or small the venue. Ryan does too. He knows that. It's just hard not to want something to focus on that isn't their current situation. He isn't going to feel comfortable until they're back to being themselves, but playing music has helped. At least a little.]
[That feels easier to sell Min on than just saying that yes, they have time, don't worry about it.]
It'll help recharge us so we can remember more wedding songs from home that don't suck.
[A beat, and then he realizes how that must sound.]
Yours is great though! You're amazing! I never would've thought of it in a million years.
[Without thinking about the implications of his actions at all, Ryan takes Min's other hand. He's just caught up in his own moment, being a little goofy with the dramatics of the next lines of the song.]
♪ When I look into your eeeeeeeyes I can see forever~! ♪
[And he does look at Min, bright and hopeful and a truly stupid shade of red, trying to will him to join in and keep the song going.]
[Min-Gi huffs a little laugh, opening his mouth to tell him it doesn't matter if he thinks it sucked. They can come up with something else. Anything he does have to say dies quickly when Ryan takes his other hand though.
He knows he's just being silly. He knows that. It's just Ryan having fun, but seeing him look at him like that... Hearing him sing those words. Even looking like that, Ryan is still Ryan and in the moment it would be so easy to believe he meant it.
He doesn't, though, and Min-Gi knows that. They're friends, and that's enough. It's always been enough. The hopeful flutter in his chest twists, turning into a pang he can't let himself think about. He's definitely let the silence drag too long, but Ryan's still looking at him expectantly.]
♪ The search is over... You were with me all the while ♪
[His voice falters more than it usually does when he sings, but he can only hope Ryan will ignore it. Won't notice the effect he has on him.]
[There's a moment where Ryan realizes he's overstepped here. The thought doesn't even fully process; he just knows that he's put Min-Gi on the spot and that one pause seems like a thousand years of silence.
This is too much. It has to be, right? Min-Gi just came out, and only to him. He doesn't need to wrestle with what it could mean for Ryan to sing a song like this at him.
He's just about to kick himself more for it, and backpedal out of what he's just done, but then Min sings the rest of the line. He doesn't have Ryan's dramatics, but it's soft and sweet and it makes his own heart flutter in his chest. He's in awe, and then the expression changes slowly to beaming in relief.]
...Yeah! Yeah, see? It's perfect, man.
[There's a soft laugh in his voice, a relieved one that he didn't fuck this all up. Something in him feels incredibly light now, in a way he doesn't know how to explain in words. So he does what comes more naturally instead - he moves. He lets go of Min's hands so he can throw his arms around his shoulders in what was meant to be a tight, friendly hug.
But it's not tight at all. It's soft, like falling into a pillow almost. And.......bright?]
[When the light clears and all of their pieces have been rearranged, there is one person standing in their living room - a purple figure with their arms wrapped around themselves in a cozy hug, at least until they realize the moment is over and then they're looking down at unfamiliar (or maybe familiar?) purple hands.
They look up, and all around them. The cats have vanished, because watching their dads fuse into one bigger dad was terrifying and they are both watching from underneath the couch.
Everything feels...new. Like they're looking at the apartment for the first time. Like they've never truly existed before right now.
That's not true though. They weren't alone. They were...
He was? He...]
Min-Gi?!
[They reach up and touch both the gem on their chest and the gem on their forehead. Their gems, plural???]
It isn't even a song they've written, but it always feels good to be praised by Ryan. To know he likes something he's thought of. He doesn't mind the hug. In some ways it's less intimate than holding hands, and it gives him a much needed reprieve from looking into Ryan's eyes.
Except... Ryan melts into him, vanishing altogether as the world turns bright around them.
When they become aware again their arms are wrapped around themself and their hands loosen. They don't think it's him doing that. Is it?
No. He's sure it wasn't. Instinctively, he knows they aren't alone.
They feel familiar, and alien all at once.
Before the thought can fully process he hears a voice come out of their mouth. It doesn't sound like his voice, but it doesn't sound like Ryan's either. It's someone else entirely, yet somehow he knows they're them. One in ways they could never have conceived of until now.
Their hands reach up to feel their gems, but that isn't what he wants. These aren't his movements. It scares him. He tears his hands away, and they stumble backwards. By the time he hits the ground he's Min-Gi again. Or at least the Min-Gi he is today. He flexes his fingers, staring down at them now he has full control again. It's strange how empty he feels now he isn't them. He sits up, reaching out for the one who'd been part of him only moments earlier.]
[Something inside them moves suddenly and pulls apart in another bright flash of light, and then Ryan is flat on his back on the floor, catching his breath and trying to process all of whatever the fuck that was.
Is he alone? He feels...something. Lonely?
But then his name is called and Ryan sits right up.]
Min! Min--
[Sitting up turns into scrambling closer to Min-Gi, the one thing that makes any sense in all of this.]
What was that?! How did we...
[He doesn't have a word for it, so he trails off and uselessly links his own fingers together. But wait, that's not the most important thing here.]
[It's a relief when Ryan scrambles closer, but something within him jars when he stops short of actually touching, almost seeming to go within himself. His shoulders slump, and his eyes search Ryan carefully. It's nice he's thinking of him, but Ryan's the one he's worried about here.
What happened was... strange, but now he's back to himself he's not as frightened by it as he thought.]
I'm fine. Are you okay?
[He inches himself closer, not reaching out to touch if Ryan doesn't want that. Maybe that would be too much after spontaneously becoming one person.
Their cats are becoming slightly bolder as they peek from beneath the couch now. Things are slightly more normal again, and while the separation was initially as scary as them becoming One Big Dad they're at least recognisable to them again now.]
[It helps that Ryan and Min-Gi still haven't gotten off the floor - they're nice and easy to see from the cats' hidey hole under the couch.]
Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine too. I...
[He still struggles for words, all of his feelings sort of rattling around in his head uselessly. The ones that finally bubble up also bring even more red to his cheeks, but he seems happy anyway.]
...That felt amazing. Is that weird? I feel like that might be weird. I mean, I didn't know that was going to happen obviously, but! But it felt...good.
[He unlaces his fingers and holds out a hand for Min to take - not necessarily to try again immediately but because the separation between them feels unnatural now. ]
[Min-Gi sounds surprised, but not upset by the explanation. He takes a moment to process it, first seeming uncertain, then maybe embarrassed. But not upset. A faint smile comes over his face as he reaches out to take his hand, moving to sit so their shoulders are touching.
It isn't the same as it had been before, but it's nice. And it's enough. At least for now.]
It felt good to me too. It scared me, but... I think if I was expecting it, I would've enjoyed it.
[So hugging Ryan is off the table until they feel ready to try again, but holding his hand doesn't seem to do anything. It's nice, but it's also normal. They might look a little different right now, but it's still something they've done countless times.]
[He nods eagerly. Of course he liked it; he liked it so much. And now that he's certain any old touch won't necessarily stick them together without their consent, he's happy to lean into that touch.]
Really? I thought you would've hated it. I think we were in each other's heads? Somehow? And I know that's not really your thing.
[But it makes sense. Min-Gi pulled back because he was startled and scared and didn't know what was happening. Now that he does though...Ryan can't help himself. He squeezes Min's hand, but glances up more towards the ceiling, trying to be so casual about it]
Soooooo...would you wanna try it again?
[What a totally chill question that isn't needy or clingy at all!]
[If it was anyone else, Ryan would be totally correct. Merging with Ryan had been scary, but he hadn't hated it. He barely had chance to process it while it was happening, but now he doesn't think he minded that much. Part of him misses it even. He isn't sure he's ever felt that whole.]
Yeah, but... I trust you.
[It's different. They've spent their entire lives together. There's no one he feels closer to than Ryan. No one who he feels so wrong without. In some ways it makes sense to him they could be one person.
Strut had abandoned Vogue under the couch to sniff at her dads now the excitement is over, so Min-Gi reaches over to pet her reassuringly with his free hand, looking over with surprise when Ryan suggests they try it again.
Despite feeling the loss more keenly than he thought he could for something he'd only experienced for a few moments he hadn't expected either one of them to suggest they try again so quickly.]
Already?
[It's not a no, but he tenses up at the thought, fingers tightening to grip Ryan's hand more tightly.]
[Vogue is a little more cautious than Strut is. Ryan tries to beckon him out from under the couch and is completely ignored completely.
As soon as Min comments on how soon it is, Ryan attempts to backpedal. He can feel that hand tighten and he doesn't pull away, but he's suddenly aware that it might be too much too soon.]
W-We don't have to! There's no rush. I just...if you want to, then I want to too.
[He squeezes Min's hand, trying to be reassuring. It doesn't have to be now. It doesn't have to be ever if Min doesn't want to. It just has to be when Min's ready, and Ryan can wait.]
[While Vogue continues to ignore them under the couch, Strut seems to have all but forgotten the trauma of Big Dad and is more than happy to amble away from Min and over to the hand Ryan had been trying to beckon Vogue with. If he doesn't want that attention then she does.]
I do want to. I just... I didn't think you'd want to already.
[Does he want to yet? Min-Gi honestly isn't sure. He does and he doesn't. It had been terrifying being part of someone else. It had also felt right, and he feels so empty now.
[Ryan chuckles and scritches behind Strut's ears, happy to give her attention while he and Min talk it out. Vogue seems to be further out from underneath the couch every time one of them looks, but he always stops moving the second he is perceived.
Min asks a good question though, one Ryan almost doesn't want to think about. It had felt so incredible, even for just a moment, that thinking about the loss of it already hurts. But...realistically, whatever is happening this weekend won't last forever. It might not even last beyond today.
When he finally answers, he makes it sound so simple.]
Then we can't do it again. And we already couldn't do it before, so we'd just be back where we started. But...we won't know unless we try, right?
[They could be afraid of not being able to sync up again, or they could just go for it - and it's no secret what Ryan's vote would be.]
[Ryan's right, and unsure as he is in some ways he knows he'll regret it if they don't at least try. He nods slowly, scooting Strut away from Ryan's hand and back towards Vogue. He knows she won't enjoy it if she's right there and they do manage to do it again. Poor Vogue has finally emerged completely by now, and while Min feels bad for him he doesn't feel bad enough to not try.]
Okay. So, let's try. Do we just hug, or...?
[Realistically, he knows Ryan's probably just as clueless as he is. It's not like he mean to make whatever happened to them happen. He'd just hugged him, and then he'd been inside him somehow.]
[He has absolutely no idea. He doesn't want to think about how weird it will probably be to sync up on the floor though, so he stands up and offers a hand to Min. When he takes it, Ryan doesn't just pull him to his feet - he pulls him up and into his arms for a tight hug.
And he holds it.
...And he holds it.
His eyes were closed at first, but now they're open and he's looking over Min's shoulder awkwardly. They haven't frightened the cat Pokémon back under the couch yet at least.]
It had felt as right as ever when Ryan had pulled him up with surprising strength and held him close, but the longer it goes on the weirder it feels. Min-Gi waits at first. He's always been an advocate for patience.
But by the time Ryan speaks up... even he can't deny this doesn't seem to be working.]
I don't think so...
[He still hasn't moved reluctant to break free, just in case this is the moment it does happen.]
[Ryan hasn't moved either. Even with the awkwardness, it's still kind of nice. He's always been a really touchy-feely person as it is, and he could so easily rest his head on Min's shoulder from here, but...that seems like a step too far, somehow. As if syncing themselves together wasn't, somehow.]
Was anything else happening? We were goofing off a little, singing...
[He trails off, unsure what the connection would be. Something happened, and it wasn't just a hug. They did touch, but it wasn't just the hug...]
[Where had they got to even? He thinks back, to before this had happened. He falters once he does remember, the lyrics hitting far too close to home for reasons he can never explain to Ryan.
But if they're going to succeed in becoming one again, maybe it's what they need. He pulls back just enough he can look at Ryan, starting to sing softly.]
♪ Can we last forever? Will we fall apart? At times, it's so confusing... ♪
[He trails off there, looking to Ryan to pick up the slack or call it off. His throat is tight and anxious, something he hopes Ryan won't pick up on. Maybe it would've been less weird if they'd tried goofing off.]
[Min doesn't pull back as far as Ryan was expecting him to, and he sings this love song so gently that it brings what must be a blush to Ryan's face - an even deeper red than he is already. There's something about singing it while actively trying to do whatever they just did that feels infinitely more intimate, but Ryan doesn't miss a beat.]
♪ The questions of the heart... ♪
[There aren't any questions in his heart. It knows what he's known for years now, and can't do anything with that information. He isn't belting anymore - he's matching Min's energy, making it a softer song than it was before.]
♪ You followed me through changes And patiently you'd wait 'Til I came to my senses Through some miracle of fate... ♪
[He doesn't remember this song hitting so hard before, but now? Now it feels so on point that it could have been something they wrote. These are words Ryan can imagine himself writing and singing...all with Min. And it feels right.
Before the chorus comes back, Ryan can't help himself. Standing still in this moment is agonizing so he starts to sway with Min, like they're preteens at a middle school dance.]
[Min's blushing too, though it's harder to tell that's what it is on him. Blue on blue skin as he loses himself in Ryan's eyes and gentle voice. He means to join in again once Ryan starts, but it feels so much like he's being sung to he forgets in the moment.
Then when Ryan starts swaying with him... he almost forgets to breathe.
Once he does start to join in he feels giddy and light, though he knows he's reading into it more than he should.]
♪ Loving for a moment Taking on the world That was just my style ♪
[It only feels natural to lean in closer now. It doesn't feel weird like it had before. Even though they're still separate, they still feel almost as united.]
♪ Now I look into your eyes ♪
[Everything feels brighter than it had before. Softer.]
♪ I can see foreveeeer ♪
[It isn't his voice anymore. It's theirs. They laugh, looking down at purple hands. They aren't so worried this time, now that they'd been hoping for it. Although there's no one else there to hold, they don't mind that now. They wrap their arms around themselves, approximating a hug.]
Ryan! We did it!
[Strut doesn't seem so worried about it this time either. She doesn't love it, but she doesn't flee either. Not that they notice, too wrapped up in themselves.]
[That little self-hug feels so, so good. They are warm and light and full of every fuzzy feeling the two have had in the last several minutes. If they smile any bigger their face is going to start to hurt, but they laugh in relief anyway that it actually worked.]
Woah...
[They look down at their hands again - there's no sadness in slipping out of the hug because the feelings inside of it still course through their entire being. It's really amazing though - they aren't quite Min and they aren't quite Ryan. There's so many things they could do or say or BE - it's incredible! But it's so much.
Suddenly, a gasp!]
I should-- We? We should find a mirror!
[Vogue is somewhat reluctantly out from under the couch because he refuses to be seen as more of a baby than Strut, but he's very prickly and keeping a good distance.]
[Which is still scary, but not so much now that they were expecting it. It's a good idea. They have no idea how they look right now, and while there's some trepidation they aren't so worried about finding out as they were when they were just Min. They take a step towards the bathroom, then another slower one because it turns out their centre of balance is a little different now they're taller.]
Be careful.
[Min thinks he's the one controlling their legs right now, but it doesn't feel totally the same as when he's on his own. They figure it doesn't hurt to warn them. They're still not used to being one person after all.]
[This has almost the opposite effect on them. The truth is they had both been in sync in terms of movement, at least for a brief moment, but the attention called to their separate halves has them stumbling a little on their way.
But it's fine. If it makes a part of them feel more secure, then they can work with that!
So they slowly and clumsily make their way to the bathroom. Even so, there's an small undercurrent of excitement. They're walking!
They catch the door frame and with maybe an odd amount of trepidation for someone who was so excited about the idea, they shyly peek into the bathroom...
...And a tall purple person looks back at them in the Mirror, with two sets of eyes and two sets of gems.
The truly odd part is that even though this person doesn't look like either Ryan or Min, there's still a ping of recognition in the back of their mind. They are Purple Jade, in the same way that Ryan is Red Jade and Min is Blue Jade - not that either name has gotten any use.]
[That sends him reeling for a moment before they're back to them. They really are one person. They step closer to the mirror, reaching out to touch their reflection in wonder.]
It's us...
[They're scary yet familiar. And they're not really a them, are they?]
It's... me?
[That sends a shiver through them. They still feel like separate people almost despite occupying one body. Are they still them? Are they... them?]
This is confusing.
[But he's determined to hold himself together this time. To hold them together. At least for longer than they had before. This is how they should be. At least that's how they feel. They've always been Min-Gi and Ryan, for longer than either of them can remember. There were so few people who thought of them separately as they grew up it almost makes sense this would feel so right to them.]
[You know, because that's how the song that help fuse them together goes? It's a bad joke though, and they're a lot more interested in what's in the glass anyway. One hand reaches for the mirror, and the other lifts up to their face, as if touching and looking at the same time will make it all more real.]
...It's super weird. But cool too?
[There are parts they can see that they recognize from before. Ryan's nose twitches. They run their fingers along Min's jawline. All these little bits and pieces that combine to make them.
But who are they? Purple Jade, they've established, but no one is using their gem names it seems - Ryan and Min-Gi have perfectly good names already, after all. All four eyes squint at their reflection, trying to sound out something better.]
[They give their reflection a withering look, trying to chase away the pang of panic at where that makes their mind instinctively want to go.
They're content to let Ryan explore their features, marvelling at how much different some of it feels while some feels exactly like his own. They're less content with Ryan's attempts to work out their name. Because they're already very sure those are Ryan's contributions, not Min's.]
Can't we just be Min-Gi and Ryan? We're still us. ...Kind of.
We're still us, but we're us together. Someone new.
[There's a small pang of something within them, the smallest amount of heartache. It's something they're trying to keep pushed down, but is truly impossible to hide when they're made of more than one sentient part.
Maybe they weren't ready for this, together.
(Maybe they rushed into things again, forced Min-Gi along into this really intimate thing. Does Min want this? Maybe this is too weird for him, too-- everything when they just wanted to...when he just wanted to be with...)
There's a bright light so sudden that it's like a bolt of lightning, and in an instant they're two separate people again. Ryan doesn't fall backwards this time. He catches the edge of the sink, flushed with embarrassment that he's the one who made them fall apart this time. It's not even the kind of thing he would say out loud and he's pretty sure he didn't, but...there's no way Min-Gi didn't feel that.]
They feel something deep in their heart, and Min-Gi knows all too well where that comes from. That's his emotion, and there's no way Ryan can't feel it too. His fears are only confirmed when there's a flash of light and suddenly he can see Ryan bracing himself on the sink.
He feels even emptier than he had last time they'd split. Not knowing what else do to he backs away slowly until he's pressed back against the wall. Everything feels faint and distant, and if he'd come to the door rather than the wall he knows there'd have been the temptation to run.
What can he say now? Should he even say anything? He looks embarrassed, and it takes a lot to embarrass Ryan. He has to know.]
Ryan, I...
[He reaches out, then drops his hand loosely back down to his side as he trails off. There's no explaining this away. No excuses he can make. He just has to wait and hope that Ryan understands.]
[There's no waiting involved at all. The second there's a break in Min's words, Ryan fills the silence with panicked babbling.]
--Sorry! Sorry, I made everything super weird for you. We don't have to do this! I don't want you to like-- I dunno, I don't want to make you uncomfortable or like, weirded out or-- I dunno! But I didn't mean to, and we can just...we can...
[They can't though, can they? They can't just pretend it didn't happen. Ryan rubs at his eyes under his glasses with his palms, trying to make whatever is threatening to happen there stop. He takes a deep, staggering breath.]
...Sorry. I'm good. I...I'm sorry I messed it up, made it weird. You don't need to deal with all that...shit.
["Shit" comes with the vaguest handwave, like he was looking for another word and settled on a curse. But fuck, Min like just came out! He shouldn't have to deal with his stupid unrequited crush of a million years.
His heart is pounding in his ears. How could he have possibly fucked up this badly?]
[Min watches in a stunned silence, trying to work out what's happening. Why is Ryan freaking out when he's the one who should be apologising? He stares at him dumbstruck as he tries to make sense of it.
Maybe there's something missing, something he didn't notice while they were still together? He can hardly dare to hope this is what it sounds like. Doesn't know if he's even ready for it to be what it sounds like.
Hesitantly, he steps forward. Just close enough he can touch him. This time when he reaches out he doesn't pull away. He puts a steadying hand on Ryan's arm, trying to put on a reassuring face while he makes sure they're actually talking about the same thing.]
Hey. It's okay. I... don't think you were the one who made it weird.
[He wants to be hopeful, but if they aren't on the same page here he knows he's setting himself up for a hurt he isn't ready for. Probably won't ever be ready for. Even as he tries to comfort Ryan he's still standing at almost a full arm's length, nervous at how Ryan might respond.]
[Ryan lets him, which is a good sign - he isn't afraid to pull back when he doesn't want to be touched. He doesn't move closer though, he just...lets Min react however he's going to.
His attempt at comfort is so baffling though. It takes Ryan a moment to come down enough to fully switch gears.]
What're you talking about? It was definitely me! I'm the one that freaked out and yanked us apart, I'm the one who-- who got all in our head about like, everything! It was fine, and then I wrecked it with...feelings! Why would any of that have been you?!
[Ryan doesn't have even a shred of hope that it might have been a mutual feeling. If anything, now he's worried Min pulled apart over something else and now it's being made weird because he can't fucking win, can he?
He makes himself take a couple of steady breaths, to try and not freak out so much. He's making all of this worse, and he needs to stop it. In, and then out with a sigh.]
...Seriously man, it's not you. You didn't make it weird. Don't worry about it.
[This isn't going to work and he kind of knows it, but. He wouldn't be him if he didn't try.]
[Part of him wants to step back, give Ryan his space. But despite his anger, it doesn't seem as though it's directed at him. He watches him silently, not moving as he tries to work out where to go next. It does seem like they're on the same page, but Ryan seems so upset. He doesn't want to risk making him feel any worse.
And what if he's wrong...?
The thought lingers in the back of his mind, making him doubt himself even more than he does already.]
Are you sure? What I... we... felt before we split. I thought it was me. I thought that's what scared you.
[He's still scared, not able to actually say the words. Just hope that Ryan eventually catches on and confirms it for him one way or the other.]
[Some of the tension slips away from Ryan, and for a second he just...stares. There's no way he heard that right. He couldn't possibly have.]
...What?
[Min thought that was him? Every time he tries to connect the dots they refuse to stick together. How could that be true? That's too good to be true. There still has to be some kind of misunderstanding here, but that...can't be.]
I wasn't scared of the feeling. I was scared it would scare you, so I...y'know. Pulled the ripcord, I guess?
[This doesn't feel real, but at least he's a little calmer now. It helps that Min doesn't actually seem scared. He's just there, and he's still there and hasn't run off.]
[It's a relief that Ryan seems to be listening to him now. That he seems to understand him. It means he can relax, if only a little.]
It does scare me. Of course it scares me. I tried so hard not to...
[But this isn't about him. Or at least it's not just about him. He cuts himself off with a bittersweet laugh, edging closer to Ryan now that he isn't so angry.]
I don't know how to do this, Ryan. I just need you to know you didn't ruin anything.
That has him near tears again, though he sniffles to try and force them back. Even if everything else feels surreal, Ryan believes him when he says that. Just knowing he didn't fuck this up beyond repair is such an immense comfort and relief. Min's still here, moving closer to him. He isn't weirded out or creeped out. He's just...here.
Ryan closes the rest of the gap and hugs Min close. They don't fuse in that exact moment; Ryan just holds on because he needs to more than words can explain.]
We're both talking about the same thing, right?
[Because they could go another twenty-one years without ever acknowledging it again because they couldn't spit the words out, and the thought of that scares Ryan a little too. He takes a deep breath and steels himself as though the answer could still somehow be bad, even though he's literally clinging to Min as he says it.]
[Min-Gi tenses up when Ryan hugs him. Not because he dislikes it, but given what they're talking about it feels different to the way it normally does. He does return the hug though, albeit a little stiffly.
He doesn't answer straight away, afraid to commit to the answer even after Ryan's said what they've both been edging around directly. After a long moment he nods, barely perceptible against the side of Ryan's head.]
What do we do? If we both have feelings for each other?
[It feels like a stupid question, and it probably is, but he's barely started letting himself acknowledge it might be okay if he's gay. This isn't a direction he'd ever allowed himself to dwell on.]
[That might be the longest moment Ryan has ever experienced in his life. It's soft, but Min will feel a little sigh of relief from Ryan when he nods. He lets out a small laugh.]
I...don't know.
[He's never entertained the thought, not in any serious way. Any thoughts about it have been daydreams at best, quickly extinguished and buried.
Why is this so scary? This is everything he's ever secretly wanted, so why does it still feel the whole world could end if he makes one wrong move? There's excitement, but terror flowing underneath it. But...maybe it's like everything else. Maybe they have to just talk, even if it's hard.]
I never thought it would even happen? It feels too good to be true.
[He obviously isn't against it. In a lot of respects it seems like it's not even a problem at all, except for the fact that all of Ryan's previous relationships have ended in disaster. That's the absolute last thing he wants. Besides, Min seems like he might be scared too.]
[He pulls away just enough he can look at Ryan. It's harder to meet his eyes than it usually is, but it feels important for them to talk properly.]
I've never thought about dating. At least not... you know. [Guys.] It's not like I even knew anyone would like me. Especially not you.
[That still feels unbelievable. They've been friends their entire lives, but Min never suspected it. Now he knows his feelings are reciprocated his mind is reeling. In some ways he's more confused than he was before.]
A little. If nothing else it renders Min speechless for a moment, unsure how to react to the outburst. The thought of having people all over him is not a comfortable one, but Ryan thinking he'd be lucky to be with him? His heart flutters, and he can feel the way the blood rushes to his cheeks leaving him a strange blotchy blue.
No one's ever called him handsome before, except his mom and maybe occasionally his grandparents. It hits very differently coming from Ryan.]
I-I don't know. I just thought... you know. Maybe I'm not the kind of guy that guys are into.
[Is that a bad thing to say? Probably, but for the most part that thought has always been more a relief than a disappointment. It was easier back when he was still trying to convince himself his only option was to somehow will himself to be straight. Even though he's out now, if only to Ryan, it still isn't something he'd wanted to think too much about. He's still working on feeling okay with himself feeling that way sometimes.]
[Ryan doesn't think it's too bad. It's actually kind of adorable to see him this worked up about it? But it's so weird to not have to shove that thought down where it can't be seen or felt. He can just...think it's adorable? Really?]
It doesn't work like that, man. Guys can be into lots of kinds of guys. It's not like...here's the one type of desirable dude.
[That much Ryan knows from experience. He's met guys that have preferences all over the place. It's just unfortunate that his one night stands expected him to be a particular kind of guy.]
Besides, you're definitely the kind of guy guys are into because like...honestly? I've been into you since like, middle school, man.
[Might as well throw that in there since it's all coming up now anyway.]
He's still too flustered to defend himself properly. Especially with the revelation that not only is Ryan into him, he has been since middle school. Min honestly can't say how long he's had feelings for Ryan for, but he knows he didn't figure it out until years after that. He'd spent so long confusing crushes for admiration he has no idea which was which when he tries to look back now.]
Middle school? How would you even know that? We were still kids then.
[It's a lot, and he can feel anxiety rising in him again. Logically he knows this should be a good thing, but it's so out of the blue he has no idea how he's supposed to process it all. He looks at Ryan pleadingly, clinging too him a little tighter.]
[Honestly, Ryan would love to sit anyway and if Min hadn't asked first he might have asked himself. The only snag is that they're in the bathroom, and with the overwhelming weight of all of their feelings, the living room feels too far away.
But, they're in the bathroom.
There's a bathtub.
And the grossest room at the party has historically been a good place to talk things out...
He looks from the tub, to Min, and then back to the tub again before shrugging and letting go so he can climb inside it - unless Min stops him.]
[Min rolls his eyes like he wasn't the one to start this tradition, but there's a faint smile playing on his lips and he follows Ryan in without complaint. It's not the most comfortable, but it's cleaner than the bath he'd hidden in at the party and the ceramic feels cool against his back.
It's nice. It helps even. He's already feeling a little better.
He sits right next to Ryan, reaching out so he can link their fingers together.]
[It might not be the most comfortable place, but it's weirdly cozy and kind of nostalgic now. Even though they aren't really sure what they should do with this newfound revelation about themselves, they've still easily shifted into being able to link their fingers together in a way they've never let themselves before. Their hands fit together.]
But uh. Yeah. Since middle school...
[Ryan lets out a pressurized sigh. No one likes thinking about middle school.]
I dunno. I just...knew. I've known that I liked boys and girls for a long time, and it's not like people weren't starting to get crushes back then or anything. I lived through my sisters obsessing over boys when they were in middle school, so I don't think it's that weird?
[He remembers them being so annoying about it, but also he was like six or seven at the time so of course he thought they were.]
Maybe. I kind of thought everyone was making it up back then...
[He could never wrap his head around it when people had talked about their crushes back then, but maybe Ryan's right. Just because he took a while to figure things out that doesn't mean everyone else did.]
I didn't figure out I was into you until after I realised I was gay, so... [He shrugs helplessly.] It took a while. I still don't know when it started. I guess when we were teenagers at some point?
You know, that doesn't surprise me for some reason.
[Ryan gently bumps his shoulder against Min's, a signal that it isn't a bad thing at all. Sometimes Min just needs an extra minute. Ryan is a lot more cognizant of that now than he used to be.]
If it makes you feel any better, I don't know if there was an exact moment for me either? Mostly I remember realizing it and thinking "Oh no, I can't tell him EVER, he's SO STRAIGHT and he'll know I'm a creepy weirdo and never hang out with me again."
[He can even say it with a little bit of a laugh in his voice. It feels so stupid when he knows that Min eventually felt the same. Granted, he was really anxious about at least half of this literally ten minutes ago, but he seems to be feeling a little more secure about it now - enough to joke around a bit at least.]
[Min gives him a look, nudging his shoulder back. It's a sign he must be feeling better if he can take the teasing without getting upset about it. What does sting a little is the reasons Ryan kept it hidden from him for all these years.
He's not wrong. He's acting like it's a joke, but even a few months ago the revelation would have sent him spiralling and they both know it.]
Honestly? It's probably better you didn't.
[He offers up a strained smile. He hadn't been ready before, and historically Min-Gi hasn't reacted well to things he hasn't been ready for. All too often Ryan's been the one to bear the brunt of that. He hates the thought there could have been something else that drove a wedge between them.]
[Even a few minutes ago Ryan thought it might have sent Min spiraling. Just because Min is gay doesn't mean he would appreciate advances from Ryan, even if those "advances" were just oversharing while sharing a body.
But it's working out, slowly. They're talking, and that's usually better. ...Except when they were a couple of scared twelve year olds.]
It's alright. I mean...it was years ago now. And if things didn't happen the way they did, we wouldn't be here now, right? Sitting in a tub again...talking about our big gay crushes on each other...
[He isn't sure that's enough though. It's still kind of flippant, because his impulse is always to try and make Min laugh through uncomfortable things, but...Now that it's out of his mouth, he's less sure.
So, he squeezes Min's hand.]
I mean it. It's seriously not your fault. ...It was my call and I cared more about not losing you forever, so...that was that.
[It makes it sound so trivial when it's something that sounds like it's tormented both of them for years. Mostly because of him, whether Ryan blames him for it or not.]
You wouldn't have lost me forever. [Or at least he hopes not, because that thought is unbearable.] Just... it would've taken me a while. I still don't know if I'm ready to actually be with someone.
[That's a confession that makes him almost as nervous as telling Ryan he had feelings for him in the first place. There's a part of him that wants to, but dating is just so far from anything he has experience with. No one else even knows he's gay. It feels unfair to keep Ryan pulled back in the closet with him when he's always so unapologetically himself.]
[Ryan doesn't address whether Min would have ditched him or not, because there's no way for them to ever really know and he doesn't want to have to think about it. It's suffocating, but it's not something they ever need to know for sure.
The rest of it though, that steals the air right out of Ryan's lungs. Maybe this isn't the fairytale ending it was starting to feel like. Maybe they can both really like each other and Min still might not...want this.
(He supposes that makes sense. Min doesn't know much about it, but Ryan hasn't historically been a great boyfriend. Anyone would hesitate at starting something serious with him; he's sure of it.)
He's been quiet just a little too long and he can feel it in the air between them.]
Well.
[It feels so heavy in his throat, but he pushes forward anyway.]
...I'm here whenever you are? If you ever are, I mean. I-I don't want to make it sound like you have to be. Either way, I'm not going anywhere.
[Unless Min wants him to, of course, but he gets the impression that isn't the case. This revelation hurts, but it's a hurt he can live with. It's a hurt that was always under the surface anyway, when he thought Min was straight.]
[The silence is deafening. Min-Gi watches him from the corner of his eyes, waiting for some kind of response. His hand feels warm against his own, but it isn't comforting anymore. It feels like one of them should let go, but pulling away now will probably only be more hurtful.
It isn't as bad as it could be when Ryan finally does reply, but the hurt still twists in his gut. He can hear the sadness in his voice, and he hates it. He hates knowing he's the one who upset him.]
I want to be! I'm just... scared. I've never dated a guy before. [There's a self-deprecating little huff.] I've never dated anyone.
[It would be so easy to mess it up, and while he feels like he would be safer with Ryan in some ways... there's so much more to lose.]
[Ryan is trying really hard to not indulge in what he actually wants to do, which is completely shut off all of his feelings and act like it doesn't matter than he's technically being rejected here. It's not like Min would really believe him at this point anyway.]
I've never had something serious with a guy. And girls...it was always a disaster.
[With guys it was always a one night stand, and with girls it never lasted. They always got sick of him and left. And the last thing he wants is for Min to get sick of him and leave.
He finally lets go of Min's hand so he can reach up to put a hand on his shoulder.]
I get it though. It's scary, and you need time. It's-- fine. It's okay. Really. I mean...as long as you're cool with the fact that we did this all backwards and live together?
[The truth is, Ryan is a little scared too. Is something that was so normal suddenly going to be uncomfortable and weird? Ugh, he hopes not. And what happens if Min realizes he's a shitty partner and they wind up the way of Fleetwood Mac? Ryan isn't not worried about it, but he won't know if it's something to worry about unless they try.
He can wait though. He has to wait, or he'll lose Min by rushing him. He has to wait and it has to be okay.]
I'm here for you. And if that means waiting, then it means waiting.
[Min-Gi smiles tentatively. It doesn't change that he's nervous, but it's suddenly a lot less scary with some reassurance from Ryan. He's there for him, just like he always is, and that goes a long way.]
Thank you. You're a good... [Friend? Is that still the right thing to call him...? His smile becomes just a touch more tense.] Thanks.
[Things are going to change, but he doesn't think he minds that. Everything has changed so much the past few years of their lives, but even with everything they've been through things have been better in the times he's had Ryan by his side. This is a little different, but that feels like one thing that will be the same.]
I don't want to not live with you. Even if it is backwards. I don't want anything to change.
[Which is maybe unfair to ask, but if Ryan pulls away while he figures himself out he knows how miserable he'll be. Their closeness is important to him, and he doesn't want to lose that.]
[He almost wants to laugh. This whole weird situation doesn't mean they aren't friends, but it feels like so much to chide Min for it out loud. So, he meets Min's awkward smile with one of his own.]
Yeah, man. No problem.
[Everything after that is a relief, almost. Their living situation isn't changing. Nothing about how they are right now is changing except for this looming knowledge they both have now of how they feel.
He would have understood too, if it did have to change. If he needed space without Ryan over here being so open about himself and crushing on him at the same time. Ryan knows he can be too much even under normal circumstances. But (maybe selfishly) he's glad that isn't the case. It's enough to give him a little hope that this might work out, at least for now.]
It's totally okay. Really. And you can talk to me too? It's not something you have to figure out alone.
[It's a relief to know Ryan's okay with that. He's not unaware they've always been closer than most friends, but it's always been easy to pretend that's because of how long they've known each other. How many other best friends have known each other their entire lives? Of course they're comfortable around each other.
Now it feels different. Like they've both been making excuses to pretend they don't feel the way they do while still always being around each other.]
It's hard to talk about. I've spent so long hiding the way I feel it's strange to actually say it.
[The way he feels about men. About Ryan. How bad he feels every time his parents try to talk to him about girls.
Especially to someone who doesn't understand it. Ryan's sympathetic, but he doesn't get it. He can't.
Unless...
He turns to look at him again.]
What if I show you?
[This might be the one time Ryan can ever really experience his feelings the way Min does. There's nothing left to hide now, so why not?]
[Of all the suggestions Min could have come up with, Ryan absolutely didn't see this one coming. It takes Ryan a second to realize what he means, because...how could Min want to, after all of this?
But Ryan does. Even though his heart is full of so many things, good and bad, he wants that feeling of being intertwined with Min in the same body. He craves that warm feeling they had just moments ago, a feeling he could never have even imagined until today.]
I...guess it couldn't hurt, right?
[Ryan pushes himself upright and steps out of the tub, on the grounds that it would probably be pretty tough to sync together in there, but he turns around and offers Min a hand up.]
Well? C'mon. Show me.
[Light and airy like this is all nothing, like he isn't trying to swallow the dark pit of imagined reasons Min wouldn't want to do this again.]
[Maybe. Terrified as Min is of dating Ryan, the possibility is exciting too.
He lets Ryan pull him up, for once not trying to ignore the butterflies he gets when he feels Ryan's weird guitar strength first hand.
He steps out of the tub, then moves in close to Ryan almost unthinkingly. He gives him an embarrassed smile as he hugs him, feeling a lot more nervous about the intimacy of it now the truth is out there.]
I still don't know how this works... Should we sing again?
[It's a fluid motion from tugging Min up to hugging him, and even though it happens with practiced ease it still feels different in a way Ryan can't describe.
He's starting to think he gets how this works, sort of, but he isn't confident enough to say so outright. Maybe if it works this time he'll pitch a theory later. For now though, he just nods.]
Yeah! Yeah, let's sing.
[Ryan lets his eyes flutter shut for a moment, but then unexpectedly he chuckles.]
Wow, I totally don't remember where we left off in the other one. So...how about a classic?
[He breathes in deep, and then--]
♪ Hit rock bottom and you're acting tough Find yourself never good enough Must be nice, to feel as light as air~ ♪
[Min-Gi blinks when Ryan laughs, but he can't help chuckling when he explains. Honestly, Min can't remember either at this point either.
He's not sure what he expects when Ryan starts singing, but once he starts it makes sense to him. Sure they've written other songs, but what's more them? It's easy to jump in with the next verse.]
♪ Same routine day in and out No idea what it's all about Must be nice to live without a care ♪
[He's confident Ryan will join in for the next part, and his smile grows as he continues to sing.]
[Ryan smiles too, his heart fluttering seeing Min so enthusiastic and happy. He joins right in on the chorus, just like he has for so many shows. It's a song that means everything to them, that sums up so much of what they've been through.]
♪ Train to nowhere At least you're there... ♪
[He pulls Min closer, close enough to breathe him in, and the barriers between them disappear in a flash of white light.
When it's over, they're one singular person again. One large, purple, Ryan-and-Min. The bathroom is only so big, so they immediately catch sight of themselves in the mirror again. For the most part they look the same, but there are a few more individual red and blue patches to their outfit, places that didn't meld together completely.]
Ha! We're getting pretty good at this!
[They pat themselves on the shoulder, clearly proud that they're adjusting to all of this, but then they consider their reflection in the mirror - as though it might feel more like a conversation if they do so. They place a hand on their chest.]
No idea how to do this, but...ready?
[There are a lot of swirling, uncertain parts inside of them, but they did say they would try this, so...here they are, trying, whether it's a good idea or not.]
[They feel... love. Unrepressed now there's nothing else left to hide from themself.
They aren't so sure of their plan now that it actually comes down to it though. They don't feel like Min anymore. Not completely. And they're not sure they can keep themself together if they try too hard to be him.]
Let's see...
[They look at themself in the mirror, then look away again. It feels easier to get distracted than it was before.
Maybe they can compromise. They've been together their whole lives. Ryan's seen so much of Min's life even if he's never lived it.
They think back to the times they've spent alone together, Min casting secretive glances at Ryan, knowing that he shouldn't. It had happened so many times over the years. Back in high school while Ryan showed off in recess. On the train until Kez inevitably interrupted. While they were supposed to be sleeping in some dingy motel room or the back of Ryan's van. Min had always felt a deep sense of longing, but had held back on fully acknowledging what it was.
They remember the times that Ryan had been allowed to stay over for dinner with the Parks. How Min's mother had beamed with pride when he'd clear away the plates without her asking, telling him what a good boy he was. How lucky his wife would be. They remember the excitement in her eyes for her son's future marriage, and the clawing dread of the inevitable. The guilt. How much Min-Gi wished he could live up to that, but already knew it was never going to make him happy.
Some memories creep in where he was alone. (Was their mind always this scattered?) Overheard comments on the street or in the diner. Not about him, of course. Min-Gi worked so hard to make sure no one would ever say things like that about him. They remember Min lying awake in the dead of night, willing his mind to change somehow. They remember reading the hated article. Almost sixteen and desperate to believe he wouldn't feel this way forever.
They can feel themselves at risk of breaking them apart again, so they stop, taking a steadying breath as they look back in the mirror. They aren't Min-Gi. Not completely. They reach inside, searching for the other part of them.]
[Their mind has always been this scattered, or at least Ryan's has. Their shared memories push and pull, sparking new additions as one thought sparks another and another.
For every secretive glance Min cast Ryan's way, there's a different memory of Ryan doing the same. In middle school at the diner. Being wallflowers together at a school dance because slow dancing wasn't even a possibility. Here in the Pokémon world, curled up in a hammock together as if there was no where else they would rather be, when Ryan is sure Min is asleep.
They miss the Parks. They remember those dinners and they come with echoes of other feelings, of wanting to belong with them. Different from how Min-Gi wanted to please them, a longing for something that wasn't really his. There's a memory of drying dishes at the sink with Min, a secret pleasure in knowing where the plates and glasses go in his house. If Ryan had been a girl, maybe they would have said Ryan would be lucky, but then he shakes away the thought because it's not like two dudes can get married. An older memory echoes that sentiment and adds that it isn't like anyone would stick around long enough anyway.
For every comment they remember from Min, there's another waiting in line from Ryan. Some asshole in high school Ryan never bothered mentioning, name already forgotten. Ryan nursing a hot coffee and nothing else at some shitty gas station listening to someone with opinions that are a little too loud about a supposed "gay cancer", oblivious to him being there. A huge fight with a girl in his van about who he was or wasn't looking at, ripping apart his identity every step of the way until she demanded he let her out of the car. They remember intense rejection, and chucking a magazine in the garbage even though the important parts were all burned into their brain forever.
The biggest mistake Bowie ever made was being exactly like Ryan.
All of these swirl with Min-Gi's memories, not just intertwining but skipping like a scratched record from moment to moment. Their head is spinning, and they grip the side of the sink as they look in the mirror, searching for someone they can't quite see.]
I...we're okay. It's a lot, but...I'm a lot. We're a lot.
[First self-deprecating, then literally. They are literally two people; they are objectively going to be "a lot".]
[The back and forth of memories leaves their mind swirling. A stark reminder they're a them, formed from two very different people. They don't feel quite the same as either of them.
They frown, not liking to hear them talk about themself like that. They reach up to touch their arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze.]
We're fine. [Wait. That wasn't what they meant.] You're fine. You're better than fine.
[They don't like the things they picked up from the part they hadn't known. Some of it had been fine, but other memories... Others made them mad.]
You know there's nothing wrong with you, right? If people can't appreciate you for who you are they don't deserve to stick around.
[It's maybe a bit rich coming from him considering he's the one holding them back right now, but it feels important to say. Even if the sudden clarity of being Min threatens to break them apart again.]
Those memories leave a negative fog inside them that lingers and obscures. If they try and feel for the separate parts that make them them, there's one that suddenly feels...wrong.
It feels far away.
This almost splits them apart. There's a flash of light and they can feel the pull, but before it happens completely they snap themselves back together like a rubber band, gasping like they just woke up from a nightmare.]
--We're fine. Yeah.
[Except, it doesn't make that pit of awful go away. There's no relief, nothing magic has been said that makes it all better. It's just there inside them, this gross self-hatred in their shared body.]
...Yeah.
[The whirlwind of memories has slowed, but now that they aren't hitting the breaks anymore some things are coming up again. Little flashes of people who didn't stick around or think he was worth much - girls, guys, family, people underpaying him at gigs. It all goes by dizzyingly fast, but it lands on a clear memory of one of his sisters - Nancy, age thirteen or so. She's telling someone a story they've since forgotten with time and Ryan keeps trying to chime in, but it just makes her angry and she snaps at him:
"Ugh, Ryan! Not everything has to be about you!"]
--Sorry. This is supposed to be for Min to show what it's like. What we...no. What he feels like.
[It hurts, feeling themselves like this. Especially after they almost split. Why do they hate themselves so much? Why can't they see themselves for the amazing person they are?
Suddenly fine feels more like an insult than the reassurance it was meant to be, and they find themselves at a loss for how to make it better.]
I didn't mean it like that...
[They hadn't, but their mind is full of Ryan's lack of self-worth and they hate it. They're wrong, but they want to understand how Ryan feels too. To truly understand it isn't always as easy for him as he makes it seem.]
It doesn't just have to be about him. It's about us.
[They know it wasn't. Carefully, they move to let go of their arm, so they can take their own hand and lace their fingers together. It's the closest they can come to holding hands with themselves.
It's hard to unify enough into a thought, and if Ryan asserts himself too much they'll rip apart again. But...this helps. Holding hands helps. Thoughts flicker to all of the odd ways they've held hands over the years, because it doesn't count if you just hold the back of someone's hand, right? Even if you curl your fingers over theirs, it's still not holding hands.]
...I like being us.
[And it's true. There's a little bloom of warmth, even though the self loathing isn't fully gone. That would take so much more than one conversation, but they like how they feel when they're together this way.
At first they don't know what they could think about or where they could steer things from here, but thoughts and memories don't necessarily come preplanned. They just happen sometimes, and they drift to other moments like this.
Like when in a sentient castle, after Ryan told Min the train knew he was garbage as if it was a statement of fact that he had hidden all this time, Min still decided he wanted to play with him. He still sat with Ryan and gently explained it was just a bad thought and nothing more. Ryan's heart fluttering when Min refused to leave him behind. They can feel how warm his face was, and how happy he felt playing the silly song they wrote when they were six in the most bizarre situation they possibly could.
Ryan doesn't always like himself, and definitely doesn't always love himself, but he's loved Min-Gi so much. Being with him feels good. He feels like someone actually sees him and cares about him and wants to be with him.]
[They almost wish they could hold hands properly, but they aren't ready to let go of this yet, and they know they'll have plenty of chances to from now on. They won't even have to pretend it's something other than what it is.]
I like being us too.
[They aren't sure exactly what they mean by that. Whether they mean being them together, or them apart. Maybe it's both.
It is nice to feel the warmth within themselves, knowing the part of them that's Ryan is feeling a little better. It's nice to feel how much they love the part of them that's Min, and how much he's actually helped.
Especially since Ryan has helped Min too. Without him they wouldn't exist. Min-Gi would be off at uni, studying something he hates and preparing himself for a life they know he'd hate. He hadn't always appreciated how pushy Ryan was, but once he understood what Min was scared of he'd supported him in ways he'd never known he needed.
They remember abandoning Ryan. The hurt of being left behind themself. They remember how lonely they'd been in Powell Lake, losing touch with even the friends that had stayed in town after graduation. Everything had felt so hollow after he'd gone. They remember how scared Min had been when they'd finally escaped the train and they did their first real performance, but Ryan had been there, making sure he knew everything would be okay. They think about how Ryan checks in with him on stage even now, subtle looks and gestures that don't seem like much from the outside but mean the world to Min-Gi.]
I don't know what's going to happen when this weekend's over, but no matter what, there's always going to be an us.
[Maybe not romantically just yet, but they can't imagine a life without each other. They understand that now more than ever.]
[The memory of battle of the bands is a tough one. The memories intertwine, and that abandonment doesn't just feel like hurt - it feels like something final and insurmountable. A clear rejection. And without Min, there was nothing left for him there. Even their family didn't see them off - not the first time and not the last time.
The Chicken Choice Judy shirt had meant so much. It wasn't just a shirt, it was Min saying his idea was good and worthwhile, and giving him a tangible sign of that. It felt like a promise, even if it was immediately broken.
They recall that Ryan casually said it shrank in the wash, except now they recall Ryan parked outside of a laundromat and crying for almost an hour because he fucking shrank it because of course he did, of course he fucked up the last thing he had of Min's by doing his laundry wrong like a moron.
They take a deep, steadying breath. Things are better now. It's just-- a thought. An old thought. But everything did feel hollow when they were apart, Min's right about that. Everything was awful and wrong and they never want to feel alone like that again.
They remember wondering if Min was ready for that first show, and being so proud of him once it was over and done. They remember wondering now and then how much rushing is too much rushing, only to be proven by Min that they were really ready this time.
Min always looks so handsome on stage under all of the lights, but it isn't just from looks. Ryan glances to check in on him, and what he sees is that Min is happy. They want that more than anything else in the entire world.]
Always. Hm, what's that saying~?
[They pretend to think for a moment and then they grin into the mirror.]
You stuck with me, so now you're stuck with me!
[From famous philosopher Min-Gi Park, shortly after chucking his keys out the window of a castle.]
[They laugh as they remember, recalling how free they'd felt after holding themselves back from what they wanted for so long. It had been exhilarating, like the chains had fallen from them and they could finally be whatever they wanted. The uncertainty had felt exciting and full of possibilities, and now they understand it had paid off.
They can be Chicken Choice Judy, and they can be Min-Gi and Ryan. They can succeed, and they can be happy. They still have a lot to lose if they ever make it home this time, but for now it doesn't seem so scary to let themselves be them.]
Always. But for now... we should make the most of it while we can be me, right?
[They won't be them in their current form for long, and that makes part of them sad. Even so, they're grateful. If it wasn't for them then the truth would still be hidden away for who knows how much longer. Maybe forever.]
[Something feels so light in them with that thought. It's a much better one, but it feels more like a promise to themselves, and it makes their heart flutter.]
Yeah! Totally.
[They look down and flex their fingers - after all of this, they feel more in sync than they were before, less concerned with who is moving what.]
Hm...time to bug the cats, I think.
[Two thoughts, circling around each other - they probably need to show Strut and Vogue they aren't scary, but also Strut and Vogue's reactions are going to be very, very funny. Both can be true!]
[Ryan and Min-Gi have put it off for a while now due to confessions and rocket hideouts and weddings and worms, but it's time to make their big camping trip - the extra long trek to Fuchsia City, to get Ryan his own warp there.
Essentially they had two options - they could bike from Celadon or take a very, very long hike from Lavender Town, and neither sounded that great. Fortunately a miracle (or a nightmare) occurred, shortly before the trip All Dressed evolved into an Espathra, meaning that Ryan would also have a ride pokemon to use, cutting the longer route by a third.
So far, it's been a pretty peaceful trip. The route is predictably not very populated, so they've had most of it to themselves, aside from a lone fisherman or two. For all intents and purposes, it's been a scenic route along the water.
They're a couple of days into the adventure now and they've found a spot that's almost picturesque - a small campsite (clearly used by others before them) just off the water, hidden from the main wooden dock path by forest. There's no signs about whether or not it's okay to swim there, but it's been ridiculously hot so the two of them set up camp a little early and spend the late afternoon swimming.
It's nothing they aren't used to. They grew up together. They've jumped in Powell Lake together. But...it feels different now, after their confessions. Ryan's kept things as normal as he possibly can, but swimming half naked with the love of your life is a lot different when they know that's how you feel. The school of luvdisc living in the swimming hole didn't really help matters.
Now it's evening, and they're casually putting off going to bed. Neither of them have mentioned that's what's happening, but it's almost certainly what's happening. Ryan's given up on trying to do anything productive with this time - he's in dry clothes, but he's still wandered off to the docks, dangling his bare feet in the water and looking up at the stars, lost in thought.
The route is so quiet that there's no hiding it when Min approaches and Ryan perks right up, and then waves a hand.]
[It's a route that Min-Gi hasn't actually taken before to a city he still hasn't seen, so it's been nice to finally go into something new together even if some of the circumstances are...... less desirable. He's been trying not to focus on All Dressed intimidating new form, or the moments of awkwardness between the two of them that hadn't existed before.
Instead he tries to enjoy the weather (even if it's maybe a little warmer than he'd like), the scenery, and how nice it is for it to just be the two of them alone on the road.
At first swimming had seemed like a good idea, and it wasn't like they hadn't had fun. Both with each other and with their teams. Their Pokémon had enjoyed the chance to unwind and have fun in such a pretty, reclusive space. Doug, Killer Queen, and North had especially appreciated the water. Saffron had enjoyed soaking up the sun and a break from having to carry her trainer.
There had definitely been moments where Min had been a lot more aware of Ryan though. Was he looking at him or was he looking at him? Had he noticed Min-Gi's eyes straying to check him out? In some ways it felt like that should be more okay, but it made him nervous too. They both knew things were different between them, and they both knew which one of them was holding them back.
After settling down their Pokémon for the night it's down to just the two of them again, and tonight especially Min-Gi's nervous of that. He forces a smile as he joins Ryan by the water, kicking off his shoes and rolling up his pants to he can sit next to him with his feet in the water. His hair is still down from their afternoon swimming, but it's thankfully still short enough it isn't getting in his eyes yet.]
Hey. Good call with the swimming. It's like having our own private pool.
[Apart from the wild Pokémon. He could have done without the Luvdisc that seemed to keep grouping around them, but otherwise...]
[The thing is, Ryan has noticed. It's a little harder not to, now that he knows how Min really feels. There were a few times when he saw Min clearly peeking and pretended to look away or not notice. What else was he going to do, call him on it and make Min realize he'd also been looking or he wouldn't have even seen it?
Things are definitely different. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in a way that is impossible to ignore. ...Except Ryan has to ignore it, because Min isn't ready. It's the ultimate test of not pushing Min too hard too soon, and Ryan is pretty sure he's failing.
There's no other choice though. It's this or nothing, and he needs Min so badly.
He smiles back with practiced ease, and pats the seat next to him on the dock. He'll always take the company. His hair's still a little wet from earlier, so it hangs down a bit longer than usual, and he swishes his feet back and forth in the water.]
Thanks! It's like, the perfect spot and there's nobody here. Our own secret swimming hole!
[Ryan is trying to look Min in the face, but his gaze keeps flicking up to his hair. It looks so good down and it's pretty rare for him to walk around with it that way. Min's hair is always good of course, but there's something really handsome about it being down. Something unkempt about it in a very particular way that makes Ryan's cheeks go pink.
Fuck. He has to stop looking at it.]
Y-You, uh! You can really see the stars too!
[A perfect out - he can look directly up and not at Min-Gi's handsome hair or his handsome face. Nailed it.]
[Min-Gi frowns, squinting at him through narrowed eyes at that reaction. He'd seemed fine when he'd shown up. Happy. But as soon as he'd sat next to him his entire body language had changed even though he'd been the one who'd invited him to. He'd have got it earlier, but now? Now it confuses him. They're both fully dressed and back to normal. What's the big deal? It should be easier now.]
Yeah. We should come back here. It would be nice to stay out here a few days when we can fly or something.
[The big downside is that it takes a few days to get to the spot, but it's nice. Clearly not totally unused, but not so busy they couldn't get lucky and get it to themselves for a while.
That's not really the point now though. Ryan's talking about how perfect it is, but his head's clearly not in the conversation.]
[Ryan nods, agreeing more this the sky than with Min-Gi, but he's right. They should totally come back here. It would be a nice place to spend a couple of days just chilling out, swimming, playing with their Pokémon. Maybe even writing some music and just vibing with nature.
But then oh, no. He's been caught. He startles a little because he wasn't expecting Min to immediately call it out when they've been awkwardly dancing around each other all day, but it does get his attention back to him...not before shaking his head a little first though, as a reassurance and to force his head out of the gutter.]
Yeah, man! I'm fine!
[Except the boy who cried "I'm fine" suddenly realizes that means absolutely nothing after all the times he's done it when he wasn't.]
Really. It's not anything bad. I was just...I-I was thinking...y'know...
[That sentence could end so many ways, but ultimately Ryan blurts out the honest thought.]
[The answer is frankly baffling, and not one Min ever would have guessed at. He kind of regrets asking now, unsure how he's supposed to react to that. His face heats up rapidly, and he tenses up next to Ryan, hand moving to brush it back as though to smooth it into its usual style. Of course his efforts don't do much with no product in to keep it back.]
I didn't do anything with it.
[It's not even modesty. He's literally done nothing. He's not sure if that even feels like a compliment when he always spends time styling it so carefully. Is there any point if Ryan thinks it looks so much better like this?
But he can't deny he must be telling the truth. Even counting the moments over the day they've both pretended to ignore, this feels like the most flustered he's seen Ryan.]
Thank you...? I didn't see the point styling it by the time we were done swimming...
[He stares awkwardly into the water. It's too dark to see his reflection now, but it's not as though he doesn't know how his own hair looks. He doesn't get it.]
[Oh no, he made Min self-conscious. Out of habit, Ryan reaches over to gently catch Min's wrist, and lower it until he can shift and take his hand.]
No, no, I know you didn't. And it always looks really good styled! It just caught my attention, I guess? And then I was trying not to pay attention to it and make things weird and that made them even weirder and made it harder not to pay attention to it, and...yeah.
[Cool, he's babbling now. Fuck. Auuuugh. He reaches up with his free hand to stuck a strand of his own hair behind his ear.]
Sorry. ...It does look good though. Relaxed? I dunno how to put it.
[Which is definitely because he's still over thinking how he made things weird, but. He can't really undo that at this point, so the best thing is to probably assure Min that this is a good thing even if he wasn't trying to do something.]
It's like...it's a look that doesn't usually leave the house, so seeing it out in the woods before bedtime is, y'know. ...Wild.
[If nothing else taking his hand startles Min out of the spiral of self-doubt and back into the moment. Ryan's hand is warm in his own, and while it had once been easy... Right now, out in the open, even knowing nobody's watching. It feels like his heart's going to beat right out of his chest.
His hand closes around Ryan's after a stunned few moments. It's a deliberate action. One that feels right, but it takes him a beat longer to get there than usual.]
Thanks. I can't pull off relaxed like you, but... I'm glad you like it?
[It doesn't feel like something he's about to start doing regularly, but it's nice that Ryan likes it even if Min still can't understand the appeal. He groans at the bad joke though, nudging Ryan even as he can't stop himself laughing.]
Come on, man. I thought we were having a moment.
[Stupid as it is, it kind of makes it easier to acknowledge that though. It makes things feel less strange, even if he knows they still are.]
[It's not something Ryan would ever want him to do regularly, if he's being honest. Half of the appeal is the novelty of it, that it's something Min doesn't let everyone see.
Thankfully his bit cuts some of the growing tension. He bumps Min's shoulder right back, laughing right along with him like nothing has ever been weird. It's so normal and natural for them, for just a moment.]
We can still be having a moment! This is totally still moment material.
[He can joke in a moment, right? ...Actually, probably not. At least, not this much.]
Sorry, sorry. I'll be very serious for our moment, promise.
[A smile tugs at him though, because just saying that out loud is on the sillier side of things. Whoops.]
[In contrast the smile on Min's face fades, anxiety making a rapid return as Ryan tries to be more serious. They both know where this conversation is headed, but it's not a topic he knows how to navigate at all.
He pulls his hand free of Ryan's, placing it in his lap alongside his other. He looks ahead rather than at Ryan. That's easier.]
What happens if we mess this up?
[That's his biggest fear. Far worse than his lack of dating experience, the thought of what other people will think, or the guilt that still worms its way to the surface despite his best efforts the past few months.
Min knows what it's like to lose Ryan, and he doesn't want to go through that again.]
[Ryan's face falls as Min's does. His hand feels empty without Min's in it, so he mirrors him and sets his hands in his lap, twiddling his thumbs from nervousness.]
...I don't know.
[It's definitely not the answer Min wants, but it's the most honest one Ryan has. He looks down at his hands and sighs, stretching it out as long as he can.]
I mean, I know what I would want if it didn't work? I'd want to stay, obviously. Be the kind of exes that can still be friends. But, like...in every relationship I've ever been in, I was always the one who fucked everything up. I was always the one driving someone to a gas station because they couldn't stand me anymore or getting kicked out the next morning, so...
[He shrugs, as if that finishes the sentence for him. It doesn't, but it lets him sort of reset and try again.]
...not that I think you'd, you know. I've just sucked as a boyfriend every time and like, everyone has their limit of how much of someone's bullshit they can put up with. So...I don't know what would happen? But I want to try, if...you still do.
[Ryan hasn't looked at Min this entire time, but he chances it once that's all out. He has to know how Min is taking this, or if he's just digging his own grave here.
Min isn't the only one who's scared. Ryan's terrified of this failing, even though he's never wanted anything more in his entire life.]
[It helps, in some ways, to not be the only one who feels uncertain about this. But mostly it sucks, hearing Ryan feel so bad about himself. He's sure Ryan wasnt the perfect boyfriend, knowing how messy they'd been before the train, but he's also sure that Ryan wasn't the only one at fault even if he hadn't been the one ending things.]
Of course I'd want you to stay. I don't ever want you out of my life. Not again.
I just... I don't know how to do this. Everything happened so quickly. I was just getting used to the idea of being more open about things, and then suddenly you knew everything.
I want to try, but it scares me. I don't even know that much about how straight people date each other, let alone what we're supposed to do.
[Ryan definitely isn't the one at risk of messing up here as far as Min's concerned. At least not badly enough to ruin their entire relationship.
He risks a look back at him glancing away when he sees Ryan looking as well.]
[Despite everything, his heart still flutters when Min assures him he never wants Ryan out of his life. No matter how awkward this all is, Min-Gi wants him here. He never wants him out of his life again.]
It happened even quicker than I wanted it to. Do you know how hard that is to actually pull off?
[He says it lightly, both joking and sort of not joking at all. After all, he was the one who freaked out and panicked about Min finding out first, from sharing a body of all things. Something he literally never could have predicted. He had never planned on saying anything, and then suddenly it was out in the open.
It's still weird how the world didn't totally fall apart afterwards. Even if they're awkwardly figuring things out, they're still talking about it. They're still trying.]
Most of the time straight dating is like, a guy talks to a girl at a party and make her laugh a little until she decides she wants to head back with him or give him her number. And then maybe she sticks around for a few months, but then she learns what he's actually like and bails. Or, that's how it always happened to me.
[He shrugs, like it's not a big deal and something that didn't crush him every single time it happened despite not even liking them that much.
Min looks away again, but this time Ryan doesn't avert his gaze. He places a hand on Min's elbow, not wanting to invade his space too much but still feeling the need to reach out and touch to ground him. Maybe to ground both of them.]
How about this? Tell me...how you picture it. Don't think about how it's supposed to go. Just...tell me what you think about, when you think about getting together. And we'll go from there?
[Ryan gently bites at his lower lip, not sure if this approach is actually a good one or not. Is it pushing him too much, or just enough?]
I won't laugh. I promise. ...I want to help you figure it out.
[This time, there's no waver in his voice and he isn't holding back a giggling smile. He means it more than he's ever meant anything.]
[The whole situation is strange. Stranger than either of them could ever have guessed even after the train. Even after spending months here.
It does pull a smile from him though, remembering the way they'd burst apart in a panic, each thinking they'd been the only one to give their deepest secret away that would change everything.
But Ryan's explanation of what it's like to date girls... that makes something twist in his gut that he can't quite place. Anger? Jealousy? He isn't sure. Either way, he hates the idea that they couldn't appreciate all the good things about Ryan.]
I know what you're like, Ryan. If this doesn't work, even if I'm the one who bails... I don't think it's going to be your fault.
[He's still not at the point where being gay sits totally right with himself, which isn't ideal when they're putting serious thought into dating, but... neither one of them can forget the things they'd felt when they'd been one person. Things have changed, and it's become clear they need to address it.
Ryan's touch does help though, and Min-Gi leans into it as he considers his to answer it. He's not sure if it's right, or even if Ryan will agree with him, but he does know the way he's pictured a relationship between the two of them. Truthfully he's envisioned it countless times in so many different ways, especially recently, but there's only one that's felt truly right to him.]
I... don't think I want things to change.
[He looks back over at Ryan, bracing himself for disappointment.]
Like... I don't know. Maybe we'd kiss sometimes, but mostly we'd just be the same way we've always been. Is that weird?
[There's a brief second of disappointment, only because for a moment Ryan thinks he means "I want us to stay just friends", but as he goes on Ryan eases. He starts to really understand what Min means.]
Dude, that's not weird at all. I mean...we're already closer than most people are. We kinda got a head start on a lot of what goes into a relationship, I think? So...that makes sense. What we have with kissing makes sense.
[He does neglect to add the "sometimes" that followed kissing, and he decides now isn't the time to bring up that he'd like to work their way up to fooling around someday. But what they have with kissing? That feels easy to do.]
So. If it's what we have but with kissing...do you want to try it? See if you like it?
[So casual. So nonchalant. Like their entire future isn't hanging on whether or not they like kissing each other. Like Ryan hasn't spent forever wishing he could kiss Min-Gi.]
I-I mean! That's probably a good bar, right? If you don't wind up being into it, we can just...keep doing what we already do, and maybe it'll be alright? Probably?
[And maybe, if Min-Gi doesn't wind up liking it, Ryan can be satisfied he got to kiss him even once.]
[What starts off as a relief quickly fades as Ryan suggests they kiss now. Part of him had known that was the natural progression, but to actually hear him say it...
Min-Gi forgets how to breathe for a minute, staring at Ryan with wide eyed terror. He's never kissed anyone before. What happens if Ryan thinks he's bad at it?
Or...
God.
Why is Ryan hinging it on whether he likes it? What happens if he doesn't? Are there people out there who just don't like kissing? Is that a thing that can happen? What are they supposed to do if he doesn't like it?
After a silence that stretches on for far too long, Min-Gi nods tentatively. There's only one way to know for sure, and putting it off isn't going to help him feel any less nervous.]
Yeah. If you want to.
[Totally cool. Totally casual. He edges a little closer to Ryan, trying to ignore how much it feels like his heart's about to explode.]
So what kind of kiss are we going for here...?
[This is so very, very not normal pre-kiss conversation, and even he's aware of that. He desperately doesn't want to screw this up by doing things wrong though.]
[Ryan's heart also might explode, but fortunately he's better at faking it. He has plenty of kiss practice, enough to know what kinds of things make a kiss good or bad and how that can change based on what they want.
He also knows perfectly well that Min-Gi has absolutely no idea what he's going for, but he doesn't seem to mind that either. He inches closer as well, pulling one leg out of the water and turning so they can face each other.
It is through sheer force of will that he doesn't chuckle at Min pretending to be more confident and calm about this. He promised he wouldn't laugh, and he won't, but it's very cute in the face of their first kiss.]
Shhh. I told you; I'm going to help you figure it out.
[Min-Gi doesn't have to pretend he knows what he's doing, because Ryan will gladly take the lead. Blindly, he reaches down to find one of Min's hands, so he can lace their fingers together. Their faces are already so close.]
Tilt your head a little? Opposite of me.
[Ryan shows him what to mirror, a slight tilt to the side so they won't bump noses. This puts them so close that Min will feel Ryan's words, warm against his lips.]
Follow my lead. Okay?
[Then, Ryan leans in and closes the gap between them. It's gentle, because he can't imagine a first kiss with Min-Gi not being gentle and soothing, especially when they've been so worried about everything. No tongues, no teeth - just the smallest amount of pressure and soft movement. Easy to mimic little things, like focusing his attention at Min's lower lip, and finding a simple rhythm to their motions.
But most importantly, it's slow. He takes his time with it, to gauge how Min reacts.]
[It's both reassuring and deeply intimidating to have Ryan to show him how to do this. It strangely reminds him of when they'd been young, Ryan leading then in games he'd learned from his sisters. Back before Min had started to care so much about how he looked when he tried the things he wasn't good at.
There are plenty of things Ryan can do better than him, but these days they usually stick to their strengths, letting the other pick up the slack in their weaker areas. It's strange to find himself in this position now. It's nice, but leaves him a little uncertain even if he knows Ryan isn't about to judge him.
He starts to mirror him before he's even told to, lifting one leg out of the water to face Ryan, and leaning in instinctively when he does.
He does glance around briefly, as though someone may have appeared to intrude on their private moment. There's no one there, of course. It's just as much their own quiet space as it has been the whole afternoon.
When their lips touch it's awkward and he doesn't know quite what to do, but Ryan is gentle and patient. It isn't too difficult to mimic him, and by the time they part he's almost relaxed.
Almost.
There's still a clear nervousness in his expression as he looks at Ryan to see his reaction.]
[No one's there but an entire school of luvdisc, hidden by the dark water but drawn to the moment like moths to a lamp.
When they part, Ryan is also almost relaxed. Kissing is soothing, but there's so much riding on this one that it's hard to stay in that space afterwards.]
Yeah! Yeah, I-- I never thought I'd even get to kiss you.
[He was always going to like it, because kissing just feels good. Ryan's always been a very tactile person though, so this probably isn't much of a surprise. Ryan talks about kissing Min-Gi like it's a privilege though, like it's something special to savor.]
What about you? Did you like it?
[It's so hard to keep his voice even, to not sound too desperate or too hopeful or too scared. Min will probably notice that Ryan squeezes his hand a little bit harder though, out of unspoken nervousness.]
[Min sounds a little incredulous. He knows how Ryan feels about him. He'd felt it every bit as strongly as his own feelings for Ryan while they'd been one person. Unreal as it seems at times, there's no doubting how much Ryan cares about him. How much Ryan wants to be with him.
But the idea of getting to kiss Min-Gi? That doesn't seem like much of a privilege. He should know how to kiss someone by now, but instead it's something he's studiously avoided. Something he finds himself surprisingly regretful of now he's actually done it. He knows he wasn't ready before (and maybe he still isn't), but there's a part of him that mourns the lost years where he and Ryan had kept their feelings carefully hidden.]
I liked it. I thought maybe I'd feel bad about it, but... I don't.
[It's a relief, not to feel guilty. He's sure he will if he thinks too hard about his parents and the things he knows they want from him, but mostly he's just happy. Relieved to have once again let himself pass the point where he can go back and do the things he should instead of the things he wants.]
[It was something that he'd never thought would have been a possibility even a few months ago. He didn't think it would ever happen outside of his wildest dreams, so it is incredible that he has this chance now - even if he's scared of ruining it.]
That's good. That's really good.
[Ryan raises his free hand up to cup Min's cheek, another thing he's secretly always wanted to do but could never justify. His jawline is so perfect, but that's just going to fluster him again if he says it out loud.]
I'm glad. It's not something you should have to feel bad about.
[Fuck everyone else. Ryan has wanted this more than words can say, and fuck their entire world for impressing on Min that it was ever not okay.]
[It's hard to buy it, especially when it's something Ryan's so good at already, but he's not about to ruin the moment by arguing with him. Everything already feels so fragile, and if it wasn't for Ryan's hand in his he's not sure he'd believe it was real.
He freezes when Ryan's hand comes up to cup his face. They're both used to being very physical with each other, even in ways friends usually aren't if they're somewhere private enough, but this is new. Intimate in a way neither one of them has been brave enough to try until now. He's worried his reaction will make Ryan think he doesn't like it, but he's not sure how to fix that so he just stays as he is, hoping desperately that Ryan won't move away.]
We could do it again. If you want to.
[Then, just in case that gives Ryan the wrong impression:]
I want to.
[He didn't think he'd want to again this fast. He'd thought he'd need time before he felt ready to kiss him again, but even though he's still nervous it's like a dam has broken. He wants desperately to know what it's like to feel Ryan's lips on his own once again.]
[It almost does - he wants it to be good for Min, not just something he does because Ryan wants to. But Min corrects himself and Ryan smile spreads.]
Me too.
[That's all he manages before leaning in again, kissing him with just a little more intensity. He's still keeping it simple, but he keeps his hand where it is for just a little more skin to skin contact.
Ryan could keep going for hours, already used to breathing through a kiss, but he's mindful of the fact that Min-Gi might need more air. Still, when their lips part he keeps their faces close. He finally moves his hand away, but tucks a stray strand of Min's hair behind his ear before pulling it back.
Maybe he should ask if that was still good, if this is still nice. However, a different question tumbles out of his mouth.]
Wanna try kissing me?
[Being the one to initiate it, he means. Min's had a figurative and literal taste, so maybe he'd like a chance to take the wheel.]
[Min shouldn't be surprised that it's a little more intense the second time, but it still manages to catch him off guard. It takes him a moment to start to respond, following Ryan's lead as best he can.
His instincts are right though... Min hasn't quite mastered the art of breathing through kisses. He's mostly actually been holding his breath, so he's breathless when they part, and a little flushed.]
Kissing you?
[He almost looks confused by the question. It's a daunting prospect when everything he knows about kissing are things he's only just learned, but maybe Ryan wants him to take charge. Maybe that's what he's trying to build him up to.]
Yeah. Sure. It can't be that hard, right?
[Min-Gi smiles uncertainly, lifting his hand up to brush Ryan's cheek with his thumb. It's more reminiscent of the way his mom had swiped dirt from their faces when they'd been younger than anything romantic, but then he lets his palm settle, cupping Ryan's face much like he had Min's before.
The kiss is more calculated with Min in control. He's still feeling things out, trying to remember what had felt good when Ryan had kissed him. He doesn't push beyond what Ryan had done, keeping things simple and a little hesitant, though that's something he tries to mask.]
[Min certainly doesn't have to if he's not comfortable with it. Ryan just wants to give him the space to try it for the first time while they're alone, to fumble and try while there's no reason for any pressure whatsoever.
But Min takes him up on it, and Ryan loves these little moments where he pushes past his own discomfort to try something new. Ryan knows him, and he knows it's brave of him.
Ryan leans into his touch, catlike, and lets Min try what he wants to. He's still an active participant, but he lets Min make the calls and follows his lead. In a lot of way it really feels like Min-Gi. Ryan kissed more intuitively, without a specific plan in mind, but Min-Gi is very deliberate in his movements. It's almost certainly because he's still learning, but someday he will know what he's doing and be able to find what feels good with pinpoint precision.
They part again soon enough, but Ryan is reluctant to pull too far away. He could stay within kissing range for the rest of his life.]
You're a really quick learner.
[There's a flush across Ryan's face that says this is the truth. He's doing well, and Ryan is very much enjoying himself.]
[Someone smoother might quip that Ryan's a good teacher, but that isn't Min-Gi. He's looking at Ryan the same way he used to watch their teachers as they handed out assignments he'd been worried about his grade on, waiting for his verdict. His shoulders sag with the same relief when he has assurance he didn't do terribly, but his smile is brighter than it had ever been for any school work. It's not one that Ryan hasn't seen before though. It's a smile Ryan's seen many times over the past year and a half or so. It's the same one has when Ryan likes something he's come up with for a song they're working on.]
Yeah?
[It's not disbelief, despite the question. He knows there's no chance this is the best kiss Ryan's ever had, but he also knows he isn't lying. He can tell Ryan's enjoying this, and that's nice.
Unlike Ryan, though, he's a little overwhelmed at this point. It's everything he always told himself he'd never have. Not in any way that would make him happy. Especially not with Ryan. He trusts Ryan more than he trusts himself, but it's hard not to feel like he's waiting for the other foot to drop even if he knows he's being irrational. He doesn't pull his hand from Ryan's, but he does lean back from kissing range, turning so he's facing the water again before glancing at Ryan from the corner of his eyes. That feels safer than looking at him directly right now. Even after talking he still doesn't fully know where they stand with each other. He thinks he does, but he needs to hear it from Ryan before he can be secure that's where they landed.]
[Ryan lets him pull back, but he doesn't turn back to the water. He takes his other leg out of the water and sits up a little to give Min some personal space. He pulls up a knee to use as both an arm rest and head rest, and it's cozy. They only had a couple of kisses, but Ryan feels good about this. Sure in a way that he wasn't before.
And if Min can be brave about it all, so can he. He can ask for what he needs. He smiles, a playful tilt to his voice.]
Maaaaybe we are. But.
[He nudges Min a couple of times with his foot. Min isn't looking directly at him, but Ryan is still looking at him as though he'll meet his eyes eventually.]
--only if you can ask me to my face. If we're boyfriends now, I mean.
[Ryan is trying hard to keep it light, but inside his heart is pounding. He's already berating himself for being a moron for not just jumping on something he's wanted forever, but...he needs to know Min can say it. He needs to know this is a relationship, and not just him moving into Min-Gi's closet.]
[Ryan's nudging is annoying, but it does the trick. Min-Gi looks over at him, eyes narrowed with suspicion at what the 'but' could be. Poorly disguised irritation turns to confusion at his terms. He'd just asked him, hadn't he? It doesn't seem fair to make him ask again, but Ryan is being patient with him. He's not unaware of that.
It's hard, but if that's what Ryan wants, the least he can do is ask him again. Hopefully in whatever way he's actually looking for this time.]
Are we? Boyfriends?
[He gives Ryan's hand a squeeze, both to reassure himself this is okay and to show Ryan that despite any hesitation this is what he wants. It scares him, and even now he isn't sure he's ready, but he's wanted it for so long now and it's not an opportunity he can afford to throw away without even trying.]
[The change is subtle but if anyone will see it, it's Min-Gi. Ryan's smile brightens into something genuine, wide and full of relief and excitement. He squeezes Min-Gi's hand right back, and when he speaks he's almost breathless.]
Yeah! We're boyfriends.
[They're boyfriends! They're boyfriends! It's all very exciting and new and Min-Gi can even look at him and not be ashamed to be with him. It's so much, but in the best possible way.
Ryan unlaces their fingers, but before there's time to even miss the contact he pulls Min into a tight hug. He doesn't want to totally overwhelm Min, but it does comes with the tiniest little kiss to the cheek - quiet proof that Min did exactly what he was hoping for.]
[Min-Gi sees it, and it makes his heart flutter to see Ryan happier. Especially when it goes from simple confirmation to a full on embrace.
His cheeks were already pink, but he only goes redder when he feels Ryan's lips on his cheek. It still doesn't feel quite real, but it's a gesture he could easily come to love.
He's more than happy to return the hug, pulling his feet out of the water so he can turn to hold him more fully.]
I love you.
[It's only something they'd started saying recently and briefly, but it's something he'd missed since they'd realised their true feelings. It makes Min nervous to say it again, without the pretense he only means it platonically, but it's a relief too. It makes him happy he doesn't have to hold back the truth from Ryan anymore.]
[The answer is instant, an echo. All of the nervousness it's held every time Ryan's said it back, as though Min would see through it and instantly know it was more than platonic, is gone. They both know exactly where they stand in this moment, and they're both saying exactly what they mean.
I love you so much.
[He's never loved anyone the way he loves Min-Gi, in this way that makes his heart full to the point that it might burst. He's so happy that his words come out as a light little laugh, relieved to be able to just...be in love with Min-Gi, in a way that was never possible before.]
[It's so nice to hear it back, and know exactly the way Ryan means it, rather than it just being another way to push the boundaries of their friendship in a way that's maybe not normal but is still acceptable enough. At least between the two of them.
There isn't that little pang of sadness, or guilt for being deceptive. He can just be happy, and let himself feel loved in a way he never thought was possible.]
We could go back to the tent? If you wanna practice kissing some more...
[Min's trying to sound casual, but he's full of nervous energy at the prospect of kissing again. Much as he's enjoyed it so far he knows has a lot of improving to do if he's going to match up to Ryan.]
[Ryan pulls back from the hug slightly, just enough to look at Min when he responds, mere inches apart. Just enough to tease a little.]
Sure, man. I'm always down for kissing practice.
[Not that he actually needs much practice, but he very much enjoys kissing Min-Gi, teaching him what feels good and learning what feels good to Min. Ryan could happily spend the rest of his life kissing him, over and over and over.
He doesn't kiss Min now though, not yet - Min did say he wanted to go back to the tent after all. So instead he pushes himself upright and stands, and then offer Min a hand so he can do the same.]
[Min's laugh is a little awkward. It's a lot nicer to be on the receiving end of Ryan's flirting than it is to watch it go down, but it's a new feeling to have it directed at him and not one he's used to yet.
Even so, he grabs his runners and lets Ryan bear the brunt of pulling him up. He's built up muscles of his own with all the time they've spent on the road, both here and back in their own world, but honestly? He kind of likes the reminder of how unexpectedly strong Ryan is, and now there's no reason to pretend he doesn't. Why shouldn't he get to take advantage of his boyfriend's guitar muscles?]
Thank you.
[He rewards him with a small kiss on the cheek, switching which hand he has in Ryan's so he can keep holding it on the way back to the tent.]
[Somehow he wasn't expecting the kiss to the cheek, and it makes him beam from ear to ear as though he's never been kissed before. It's new and exciting, but more importantly it's a clear sign that he isn't just pushing Min into this - Min wants this and Ryan in turn feels wanted and loved.
He doesn't respond with words, but he laces their fingers together the moment he's able to and squeezes Min's hand. Together, they head back to the tent for even more make out practice.
And it's just as well - as they walk away, too focused on each other to notice, a couple of luvdisc leap out of the water in happy little excited arcs.]
[Sometime this month Min-Gi will receive a package from Johto. Inside he will find a cake that's wrapped in red cloth. Also there is a small box that contains a dragon fang on a long string that's clearly meant to be worn as a necklace. The string being long enough that he can fit on a large pokemon. There's also a note tucked into the folds of the red cloth with elegant handwriting.]
Su cuy'gar, Min-Gi, I hope this winter season finds you well and staying warm. Your ice Pokemon are enjoying it at least I'm certain. While holidays like Christmas are not something I celebrate back home in my own galaxy, I wanted to send you something to show my appreciation for your kindness. First is a traditional Mandalorian dessert that's called Uj'alayi. The recipe for which has been passed down in my family for many generations. I hope you and Ryan enjoy it. Secondly I've included a dragon fang that I thought might be useful for Beat or any other dragon pokemon you might have.
All this month I'll be traveling across Johto, so I don't expect our paths to cross again any time soon. So if I don't see you, I hope you and yours have an enjoyable holiday.
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Later this month, at a torchic themed birthday party
When this guy approached them, they had every reason to believe it was another good gig, especially with the amount they were being promised...until they get to the venue and see that it was actually for a child's birthday party. The kid in question is turning six and his favorite favorite thing on the planet are Torchics, and his father saw their logo and thought it would be close enough. He's even providing them costumes!
The reveal makes Ryan's stomach bottom out, and it must show on his face because suddenly Min seems concerned at how long he's been quiet and-- nope. Can't have that.
So he smiles. He agrees. Come on, Min. They can't ruin a kid's birthday, right? But it's all very surface level and he feels like his entire brain has ejected itself into space. He goes through the motions, he puts on the dumb costume and tunes up his new guitar, but there's something uncomfortable and wrong in the air, no matter how much he insists otherwise.
To Ryan's surprise, the show actually goes okay? It takes a song or two, but they have enough stage presence that some of the kids are actually paying attention and enjoying the show, including the birthday boy. Most of the set list had to be changed to suit a younger audience, but at least they finally have a crowd interested in various animals (or pokémon) wearing toques. Ryan starts to seem like himself again while they play together.
Once the show ends, they are invited to stay and eat cake and even let their pokémon play, as long as they promise to leave the costumes on - apparently there had been some kind of incident at another party, but whatever. Ryan's only half paying attention. He can be a giant chicken pokémon eating cake, it's fine. He's still feeling a little weird though, so takes it upon himself to grab them a place to sit where they won't get harassed by little kids treating them like mascots while Min finishes up squaring away payment details.
Min will find Ryan with a couple of chairs off to the side, past where the parents are hanging out as if they will be some sort of little kid barrier. He has cake, but he doesn't seem to be actually eating it - just holding the plate and cutting off little bites to push them around the plate. He feels kind of nauseous, honestly.
When he sees Min though, he manages a smile.]
Hey, man. Saved you some cake?
[There is indeed a piece of cake on the chair reserved for Min - bigger than Ryan's and untouched.]
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So this...
This isn't actually that much of a surprise to him. He's a little offended that the guy apparently thought this was their kind of gig, but not surprised. Not that there's anything wrong with being children's entertainers, of course. That's just not who Chicken Choice Judy are. At this point, though, he feels like they're obligated to take it or else risk ruining some poor six year old's special day. They couldn't do that, right?
Except Ryan seems weirdly quiet. He'd figured out of the two of them Ryan would be the more enthusiastic one, but for a while he hardly says a word. He's not sure how to react at first. It's less frequent than it used to be, but it's usually Ryan who has to pull Min out of his own head before a show. It worries him enough that he does feel as though maybe they should back out after all, even once Ryan starts insisting they play. All throughout their costume change and setup he's ready to pull the plug, but in the end it goes ahead and everything seems to go okay.
He's glad to see Ryan looking like he's having fun, but he hasn't forgotten the expression on his face when they found out just what they were playing. It takes him longer than he'd like to sort out their payment, then he finds himself briefly accosted by excited six year olds when he's acquiring juice boxes. The whole time he's painfully aware of Ryan being off on his own, pretending to eat cake.
By the time he makes it over to him there's obvious concern etched on his face. He doesn't even acknowledge the cake he's kept back for him, save to move it so he can sit next to him. He holds out one of the juice boxes for him to take. If he's not going to eat, he should at least drink something.]
You okay? I've never seen a gig get you down like this.
[He's missing something, but he's no idea what it could be. It leaves him feeling helpless in a way he usually doesn't when it comes to Ryan.]
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I'm alright.
[He's full of shit, but he's historically terrible about talking about his own problems. It's something he always winds up working his way up to, as though he isn't sure anyone else could handle the weight he's gotten used to carrying.
But he knows Min knows. He hasn't been hiding it well at all, or maybe with time Min-Gi's just gotten better at seeing it. He sighs.]
I've definitely had worse gigs. I...thought it was gonna be worse.
[But it wasn't! So he should be fine now!]
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Why would you think it would be worse?
[He knows Ryan's had bad gigs during his solo career, but it's not something he ever really talks about and it's not something Min's ever had much reason to bring up. Things have been going pretty well for them, and he'd thought that was good enough. He hadn't realised that was something that still bothered him.]
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He's never talked much about his bad gigs because he's never really needed to. The most he's ever said was that the tour went badly, not how or why. Some of it early on was admittedly fear - as though telling Min would psyche him out, or make him change his mind - but most of it is what it always is. Ryan keeping negative things to himself.]
Because...
[He hesitates, wavering on whether he really wants to share or not. But he pushes down the impulse that it's stupid and overdramatic, especially when the show went well. He's being actively weird and at this point not telling Min why feels more like hiding it and making him worry more.
So, he takes a deep breath and steels himself.]
...A lot of my gigs towards the end were barely even gigs? Stuff where I was just underpaid background noise. Like, you could have replaced me with a boom box and not a single person would have even noticed.
[It feels like a lot, but it's still not giving details. He's still working up to details, eventually. Maybe.]
I was...desperate, I guess. Taking literally whatever for enough gas money to get to the next place, when I still had Dad's van. [Another story he's only told the absolute barest minimum of. He gave it away, with no elaboration whatsoever.] And it sucked. And I...thought it was going to be like that. I guess.
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His frown deepens as he finally elaborates. It's hard to imagine Ryan not lighting up any room he plays in. He's always put so much passion into his music, and he's so talented. It hurts to hear just how little he'd been appreciated before he'd come home to try and convince Min to join him. He's known for a while now that things weren't good, but that doesn't stop his own misinformed words echoing in his mind.
"Everything's been so easy for you."
He already feels bad for how jealous he'd been of Ryan's seemingly effortless ability to do whatever he wanted, but hearing specifics makes the guilt twist extra hard in his gut. He'd been miserable, but at least he'd been comfortable.]
I had no idea it was like that. I guess... I thought...
[What had he thought? That Ryan was financially irresponsible? That he didn't know how to take care of himself? He's ashamed to realise those had been part of his assumptions. That, and maybe just that Ryan had missed him. Like Min's company is some magic fix all for all the problems he'd had on his last attempt. He should have asked more questions sooner.]
I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could tell me. I know it would have sucked of us not to play this show so last minute, but if something like this happens again... we don't have to do it. I don't care who it's for if playing it's going to make you unhappy.
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He shakes his head.]
I mean, it's not like kids would've done it on purpose. And they didn't! It was pretty fun! It went fine, so it should be fine! It's just...I dunno. Feelings hangover? Is that a real thing?
[It's the best way he can think to describe it. Everything's fine but he still feels gross, for what he still thinks of as no discernable reason. Months ago he would have just pushed harder and tried even more aggressively to act like he's okay, doing anything he could to push through without actually addressing it.
Addressing it sucks. But...at least he's with Min. Ryan forces up a very small laugh, pulls one leg up in the chair and...tells Min a story.]
The last time I played a party, it was like...a big college house party. Like, the kind you see in movies. They just stuck in in a corner of a crowded room to play, and I don't think anyone looked at me all night. No one even clapped, man. I was basically a ghost.
[And for someone who craves attention and validation and the energy of others the way Ryan does, it was maybe the worst show of his life.]
Guess what they paid me? [A beat, for Min to guess. Whether or not he does, Ryan will give him the answer.] $30 and a case of beer. That's it. So like, this went so much better than that.
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[He means it, but it feels especially important to boost Ryan's confidence now. He doesn't want him to feel brushed off, but he does want him to be proud of what they've done. They had a good show. It went well. Most importantly, they're together. Ryan doesn't need to go through his problems alone.]
It might be a real thing. Some stuff's hard to let go of, even when you know things are different now.
[He doesn't interrupt Ryan's college party story, even when he pauses. Mostly because he doesn't want to chance diverting him, but there's admittedly a part of him that just doesn't like being wrong, and he knows he will be. He knows Ryan's about to tell him something unthinkably low.
When he does let him in on the answer, Min bristles visibly beneath the hood of his costume.]
You shouldn't have taken that job. You're worth so much more than $30.
[He should know. He listened to the promo cassette Ryan had sent his family over and over. He learned every lyric and every note just to find some way to feel close to Ryan when they'd been so far apart. He can't imagine going to a party and hearing someone put so much heart into their music only to ignore them point blank. And to know they'd paid him so little on top of that...
It makes him angry.]
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As for whether or not he should have taken the job in the first place? He just...shrugs.]
At the time it was that job or no job. Arguing about it got me the beer on top of it, so like. I kind of tried? But, y'know. ...I was tired.
[Sometimes you just want it to be over with. Sometimes you just say fuck it and let someone pay you pennies and booze because you just want the night to end.]
Sooooo I took the $30 and the beer, went back to where Dad's van was parked for the night, and drank in the back of it until I passed out.
[He does very sarcastic jazz hands - or hand, since one is still holding a juice box.]
The glamorous solo life at its finest...!
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You can't do that, Ryan. What if something happened while you were on your own?
[It hadn't. Obviously. But it could have, and that scares Min. It leaves him with yet another thing to add to the list of the ways he'd let Ryan down.]
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I kiiind of can, since I already did?
[He's joking, but he knows it won't land well. But nothing happened, and he can't really change what's already passed either.]
I know, I know. But I'm not on my own anymore, so...it's not even on the table anymore. Believe me, there's a lot of things I've done that you wouldn't let fly.
[That probably isn't as comforting as Ryan thinks it is, but he doesn't say it as though Min's some sort of killjoy. He doesn't do well alone, and he's grateful to have someone by his side. It's not like any of this was fun for Ryan to put himself through.]
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He shoots him a glare that quite clearly says he doesn't think he's funny, setting aside his juice to pick up his cake and moodily eat a forkful.]
That doesn't make me feel better. Do you think I like not knowing everything that went on with you while I was still back in Powell Lake? And now you're going to sit there and tell me it's worse than I thought already?
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Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just...
[Just what? Just thought Min assumed the worst of his solo tour on his own? That Min filled in the blanks and was just right about all the terrible parts? They've had this conversation and he knows that isn't where Min's head was at back then.
Fuck, he really put his foot in his mouth.]
I meant...I'm not alone anymore. I don't have to worry about it because you're here, and you'd never let things get, you know. Like...that. I meant that I'm glad you're with me.
[None of this answers for the gaps from while he was on the road, the pieces Min-Gi doesn't know about, but it at least captures the sentiment he actually wanted. It might not make it better, but. It's a start.]
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Thanks. I'm glad too.
[He still sounds worried, but Ryan's opened up about the immediate problem. He can only hope that with time Ryan will start to trust he can handle it enough to share more. For now... for now it feels like it's probably better not to press.]
You should try the cake. It's good.
[It probably feels like it's out of nowhere, but it's a safer subject. One different enough to let Ryan know he doesn't mind switching topics, even to something that doesn't require much thought.
It's also a gentle nudge to try and get Ryan to actually eat something. He won't force him if he doesn't feel up to it, but he'd be happier if he did.]
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He's grateful for the subject change and the chance to move on, though the thought of eating still doesn't feel great.]
Yeah? It looked pretty good.
[He'll at least go through the motion of picking up the plate and oh-- right. He already cut a bunch of pieces off of it earlier. Weirdly that makes dealing with it kind of easier, even if he feels like a five year old having to be coaxed into eating.
Either way, he does at least take a bite. Past Ryan did make it as easy as he possibly could have, after all. But instead of commenting on how it tastes, he gets a thoughtful look.]
So...is it like, cannibalism for us to be eating cake shaped like a torchic's face, or...?
[Important questions.]
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He does laugh slightly at Ryan's train of thought, apparently not concerned enough about the possibility of cannibalism to be put off eating more cake.]
No? I mean... Not unless it's cannibalism for people to eat cakes shaped like people.
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[He's joking around, but he does take another bite - evidently he brought it up more for a laugh than anything else, because it isn't actually keeping him from eating it.
He manages three whole pre-cut bites before he sets his fork down, which is frankly good progress for him. Min's seen him go a couple days without food before, even when they weren't guaranteed food in every train car. This time though, he stops because he has one more thing he wants to say. They can't deep dive into anything in the middle of a birthday party, but...there's one more thing he should probably say while he's thinking about it, before it slips forgotten through his fingers or gets weird to bring up out of context.]
Thanks, by the way.
[For listening. For letting Ryan talk about it without judging too hard. Things have been better between them, so really there's no question he would have.]
A lot of the time I'm not...like, I suck at bringing this stuff up? I'm not trying to like hide it, it's just...a lot. And weird to just share out of nowhere? Like I'm not gonna sit at the dinner table and go "Hey Min-Gi, wanna hear about one of the worst gigs ever for no reason?". Then sometimes when it could come up...I dunno?
[He's stumbling over the point, so he decides to just leap straight to the end of the thing he wanted say in the first place.]
But I trust you. So like, if you're ever wondering about something or want to ask me stuff? You totally can. Anytime. Seriously. It's okay.
[He doesn't want it weighing on Min just because he can't always start a conversation about these things, or avoids it when the opportunity to bring it up happens organically.]
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He's grateful, even if now isn't the right time to take him up on that.]
Thank you.
[There's a beat. Min-Gi stares resolutely at the plate of cake in his hands, carefully considering his next words.]
I know sometimes it seems like I'm being a buzzkill, but... I'm not trying to be. That's not who I want to be. I just worry. That doesn't mean I want you to feel like you have to keep this kind of stuff from me. If it's something that bothers you, you don't have to wait for it to come up.
[Not that Ryan is generally the type to need to wait for something to come up most of the time. Usually he says whatever comes to mind whether it's relevant or not. It's different with emotional stuff, though. He can understand that. He struggles to talk about more personal things himself, so it's not like he can blame Ryan for the same thing.]
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[Ryan has gone through his life without that, and it sucks. He's not used to someone caring about his emotional baggage and actually worrying about it, but it's weirdly nice? It's nice to have someone care that much. It makes his heart swell.]
And that's the thing! It sounds like a huge big deal and like, yeah, it was at the time, but...I really don't think about that shitty tour as much anymore. Why would I? I've got our awesome amazing tour now! And now our side tour in this pokémon place! I love being on tour with you!
[He's been so excited ever since they were gifted instruments here. Sometimes it feels like it's all he can talk about.]
It's a totally different experience. Day and night. But it means old tour stuff's not usually bothering me before it comes up. And then it comes up and suddenly we've got a weird birthday show and I have to try and be normal in front of the guy offering to pay us a bunch of money and-- you know. I hadn't thought about it in a while before that. It basically punched me in the face out of nowhere.
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[And even though he still misses the mark sometimes, he's getting a lot better at knowing when something isn't quite right with Ryan, or if a situation is going to be bad for him. He has a lot more power to do something about it now they're adults too. His mom isn't going to send Ryan off back home because it's time for Min-Gi to have his viola lesson, or do homework, or because he needs to speak to grandparents he can barely understand because that's the only time that works with the time difference and Min's carefully constructed schedule. He can be there for him anytime. He would be even if they didn't spend almost every waking moment together already.]
I... don't think we need to worry about the money next time. If there is a next time. I don't think we're going to stay as popular as this, or even how we got this popular after, like, one show... but I think we'll be okay. We can afford to be picky if a show's going to bring up bad stuff for you.
[He's sort of glad they did do this one. It wasn't really his thing. He didn't really get other kids back when he was a kid, and he sure doesn't now. But it wasn't bad, and he would have felt very guilty for ruining a six year old's party even if it was for Ryan's sake.
Something else though? He doesn't mind passing it up if that's better for Ryan. God knows he's had to help Min through show related anxieties enough times. It's only fair he returns the favour now and then.]
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Yeah. ...Yeah, you're right. Or at least we should ask more questions up front like, "Hey, is this going to actually going to be a kid's party?".
[He says it like a joke, but he's not entirely joking - they have definitely learned a lesson here the hard way. He can almost hear their metaphorical number wooshing downward.
Weirdly, he's kind of glad they took this gig too. Not because they would have disappointed a kid on his birthday (though he didn't want to do that either) but because they literally might not have had this conversation otherwise. Who knows when it might have come up again?]
But yeah, we don't have to be desperate. [He doesn't have to be desperate anymore, or put himself back in that weird headspace about it.] Especially since we can skate on this weird fifteen seconds of fame for a bit, and it's not like it's even the only source of income we've got.
[He doesn't say what the other one is, because it's entirely Min-Gi's and also not something to bring up at a children's party. But saying they have more than one income source isn't enough of a red flag on its own.]
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Maybe not quite like that, but we should definitely ask more questions. We should probably have for this one too, but who offers that much for a kid's party?
[The dad must be really well off to justify all this, and the way he'd been talking about it it had definitely sounded like a legitimate show. Nothing he'd said had raised any concerns for either of them until they showed up.
Min-Gi glances around nervously at the mention of his other source of income, but he knows logically no one would guess what it was. No one so much as glances at them until he looks around, and even then it's only one of the other parents raising a mild eyebrow before going back to their own conversation.]
Yeah. Plus it's not like I couldn't pick up other work. ['Other work' being hospitality jobs he hates, but at least he's not tied into those.] And I could probably challenge some of the weaker gyms if we got really desperate.
[Not that he thinks they will, but he always feels better with a back up plan.]
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[Not that they can really complain, after getting paid a stupid amount for the show. But Ryan can't picture his family shelling out that much for a birthday party. A better bar is that he can't picture Min-Gi's family shelling out that much for a birthday party either. It's super not normal, and yet here they are.
He pops another bite of cake into his mouth and then points his fork at Min accusatorily.]
I think you mean "we". "We" could pick up work and challenge gyms. You don't have to take that on alone if it comes down to something like that.
[Sure, he doesn't have a ton of experience, but he's not going to just sit around and do nothing while Min struggles to make ends meet. Let him help!]
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[They can agree on that much. They shouldn't complain since they're the ones reaping the benefits, but it's super weird.
He hesitates before he says anything else. He's not sure how to avoid sounding rude here, but...]
What jobs would you do? [Oof, no. That sounds bad.] Not that you couldn't! But... you don't exactly have the same experience I do. And like... I don't think I could beat Lieutenant Surge yet, so gyms are probably still out for a little bit.
[Explaining his concerns is probably not helping here.]
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I don't know? I'd figure something out. Besides, you said yourself that people hire people for short term stuff all the time around so...I'd see what was around, I guess?
[He's not sure why this particular point has him so weirdly defensive. Min's right that he doesn't have a lot of traditional experience, but he's also never tried to get a job like that before - as evidenced by the story about his desperate $30 gig.]
I'd figure something out, okay? What else am I supposed to do, sit around all day while you go do like three or four different things for money? I'm not doing that, Min. We're in this together.
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None of that's Ryan's fault, but of course he still wants to contribute even if Chicken Choice Judy isn't pulling in the money they need it to. It doesn't even seem like they'll have to rely on other means in the near future, which just makes having pushed him on it even stupider.]
I know. I'm sorry. I guess I keep thinking it's my responsibility since I've been here longer. I was really freaked out until you finally got here. I picked up a couple of jobs because I needed the money, but that was tough. It felt so normal when everything was weird, and not in a good way. Not like the bathroom. Like I was just stuck again doing whatever other people wanted, and I didn't even get a say.
[He chances a look back over at him, hoping Ryan's not as annoyed.]
I don't want that for you before you've had chance to settle in. I forget you don't need as much time as I do before something new stops being scary for you.
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But for once? He can actually see a bigger picture. Maybe it's only because it's been on his mind today, but...the problem, at its core, is kind of the same as his.]
...You were back in that space again.
[Something happened, and then it was like Min never left Dumpty's. It was like Ryan was still on that shitty tour. Something happened and they both slid right back into old habits and worries they thought they'd outgrown.
Ryan sets his hand on Min's shoulder, trying to say more with a gesture than he ever could with words.]
We're not going to get stuck. If it ever does come to something like that? Totally temporary. Just long enough to get us back on our feet. And you'll always, always have a say with me.
[Even if they don't always agree, the last thing Ryan wants is for Min to just go through the motions for his sake.]
And like...I know I've sucked at it before, but. I can take some of that responsibility. Just because you have experience doesn't mean it's good for you. If one day you're like "Dude, I can't even look at another diner without wanting to hurl," I'll get something extra until we figure something else out.
[He gives Min's shoulder a gentle squeeze. He's right here.]
I meant it. We're in this together. Don't take all of it on by yourself, Min.
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I know. So do you. I'm just... I'm used to being the responsible one. Not even just with you. In everything. I know you don't expect me to take on everything, but sometimes it's hard for me to let go of that.
I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't trust you to help if we need it. No one's ever had my back like you do.
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[That goes for both of them, but they're always working on it. Ever since the train, they both try a lot harder.]
Plus like, I haven't always been reliable, so...I get it.
[He feels like crap about it, but he gets it - which is why he means it when he's offering help.]
But I want that to be different. No one can be the responsible guy all the time - you'd go nuts!
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[It sucks, but even after the train they still mess up. Sometimes it even feels like they mess up more than they did before, though really it's just they're more likely to talk about it than they were back when they were kids.]
It is different. You know so much more than I do about getting by on the road. You know how to talk people into giving us a shot for shows. I'd never even be able to get a tour going without you.
[Maybe things hadn't gone so well when Ryan had tried to do it solo, but it's not like Min would have even got started without him. He needs him too. They work better as a team, and even though Min-Gi's been here longer that doesn't mean he should forget that.]
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Together we make the perfect touring band.
[They balance each other out, like they always do. They could have only ever done this together. Ryan manages another bite of cake on his own, but he glances over at Min thoughtfully.]
You wanna ditch once we're done with cake? Even ignoring all my stuff from before...kinda feels weird to hang out too long for this afterparty?
[The entire party is young children and their families, and a few out of place older siblings here and there. He doesn't regret hanging around for a bit - he really needed a minute and he's feeling better and more like himself. Leaving the party is probably okay now, even if it comes with the possibility of talking out other things, if Min thinks of them.]
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Objectively they still have a long way to go before they can be considered successful (or at least they did back home), but everything runs so smoothly between the two of them that a lot of the time Min-Gi already feels like they're there.
Still. Hearing Ryan say it out loud fills him with warmth. It's a good feeling, though he wishes he couldn't feel his cheeks heating up. He's glad for another subject to switch to, and after another swig from his juice box he sets it down to pick his cake back up to finish.]
Yeah. Let's ditch. We can finish the cake, then round up the Pokémon and finally get out of these stupid costumes.
[He's definitely looking forward to that...]
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It's time to escape and reset, and he's so glad Min's onboard with that.]
Definitely. I'm so over this. I want this dumb hood off so bad.
[His desire to get the hell out of this party is greater than his lack of appetite too, so he'll have no problem finishing his cake. Maybe even his juice as well.]
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[Ryan probably can, especially since they were under the impression this show was going to be a big deal for them right up until they showed up and got the real rundown for it.
At least it's something they can laugh at now. Laughter feels like something that's sorely needed after the ups and down of their post-show conversation.]
We have the rest of the afternoon ahead of us still. What do you want to do? Just chill?
[Actually, the fact that they do have the rest of the afternoon ahead feels like it should've been a warning sign, but he's grateful for it now. They both likely need it. Ryan especially.]
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Right? Waste of a good look.
[They really should have figured a gig this early in the day would be something weird, but Ryan refuses to give it much thought. It's over now and they're getting out of here.]
I'm good with just chilling if you are. We can always do something later if we want. Man, it's so weird being done with a show while the sun's still out though...
[This day has already been so much and even though he's feeling better now, going back to the inn to wind down and just decompress a little bit sounds really nice right about now.]
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Chilling sounds good. I'm not even sure what else I'd want to do. I'm so used to just crashing once we get back to the van or our room for the night.
[Obviously he doesn't want to go to sleep now. It would just be nice to unwind for a few hours before doing... something. What, he has no idea, but they'll figure out something. They'll still have the entire evening. It should be a nice fault, but he feels weirdly off-kilter about it.
He shoves a few more mouthfuls of cake in his mouth. Partly to stop himself thinking too much on things that really don't matter, and partly to speed up getting out of here. There isn't that much left so he sets down his plate, looking at Ryan expectantly as he uses the last of his juice to wash the cake down.]
You ready?
Happy Pancake Day
It started with a visit from a flying Raichu with pancakes in tow. Min-Gi was rightly cautious about mysterious free food from a psychic type pokémon, but Ryan dismissed these concerns because what are the odds something like this would happen again? Besides, they were just pancakes. What could possibly happen?
At first, it seemed like Ryan might have been right. He had delicious free Raichu pancakes and Min worried too much and missed out. But the day has only gotten stranger from there.
Ever since then, Ryan has been...particularly clingy. He's kept to the same room as Min-Gi, followed him any time he got up to leave, and been unusually antsy any time he's had to be alone for more than just a few seconds.
Which brings us to now - with Ryan hanging around outside of the bathroom. Their cat pokémon Vogue and Strut are also there, but that part is a little more normal. They're cats; they are always invested in what's happening in a room they aren't allowed to follow someone into. Ryan isn't usually also this invest though, and he's kind of using Vogue and Strut as an excuse to hang out there, idly taking turns petting them.
Is Min still in there? He has to be, right?
Of course he is. He totally is. It just feels like it's been twenty years, that's all.
Ryan is totally fine and can wait quietly out here as long as he needs to. Because if he gets up and goes somewhere else, then Min might come out and go somewhere else, and then he won't know where he is for who knows how long--
--There's a noise.
All three of them perk up, waiting to see if the bathroom door is going to open.]
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There hadn't been any obvious problems at first, but after a while it's impossible not to notice that Ryan's sticking a little closer than he usually would. Sure they're close and they're already used to being in each other's space, so that's not a problem exactly. It's just this seems more extreme than usual. He can't go anywhere without Ryan following close behind. He even walks into him a few times.
At first he'd been worried. Maybe the pancakes hadn't been such a great idea after all and they'd made Ryan sick, but he claims that's not the case. It's getting to the point where Min-Gi finds himself frustrated by his clinginess and it's getting harder not to show it.
The bathroom is one of the few places he can get any time away from Ryan, and he admittedly drags his feet a little bit to make the most of it. It's a relief to get a few minutes to himself, and by the time he opens the door back up again he's feeling a little better about the situation. It isn't that bad that Ryan wants to be around him so much. It's definitely better than things had been at the start of the month when they'd physically been unable to touch each other.
Or at least he thinks so until he opens the door to find three sets of eyes staring right at him. Strut and Vogue aren't a surprise, but Ryan? Ryan definitely is. He doesn't react as Strut trots over to him and starts rubbing herself around his ankles, eyes locked onto Ryan in mortification.]
Were you out here this whole time?
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......Noooooo?
[Said in that sing-song question-y way that absolutely means he was here the entire time. There isn't a single doubt.]
I was just...playing with Vogue, because he was already here.
[He reaches for Vogue, but Vogue slips through his fingers and catwalks over to the other side of the room to sit down, far out of reach. He is not helping you out of this, Ryan.]
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Strut mews in disappointment as she's left behind without so much as an acknowledgement. Her stubby little legs not letting her keep up with her trainer, so she resorts to trying to get attention from Ryan instead. He'd been happy to give it only a few moments ago. Surely he won't let her down.]
What is going on with you today? I can't even use the bathroom without you trying to follow me now?
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It's not like I followed you in the bathroom.
[That isn't the point and they both know it, but he's still sticking to it anyway, as he literally accompanies Min to the other side of the room.]
There's nothing going on with me! I just...
[He trails off, suddenly not eager to explain himself.]
There's nothing weird going on! I just like hanging out with you, that's all. It's not a big deal!
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[That is a truly horrifying thought and now he's going to be worrying about that every time he has to go. Thanks, Ryan.
It's hard to stay too mad when there is clearly something up with him, but he's put up with enough from him today that some of the irritation does linger even beneath his concern.]
I like hanging out with you, too. That doesn't mean you have to be two steps behind me for the entire day. This isn't like you.
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[The last thing he needs is Min feeling more uncomfortable than he apparently already does. And that's the worst part - Ryan knows this is annoying and he keeps doing it anyway, and he's just going to push Min away.
And that makes Ryan's chest tight. He can feel his heartbeat in his ears.]
So...three steps then?
[That barely hangs in the air for a second before Ryan is nervously laughing.]
I'm kidding! I'm totally kidding.
[He is not kidding as much as he would like to be.]
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Ryan.
[He wants to be sympathetic to him. He really does. But Ryan is not making that easy on him. It definitely feels like something is wrong here, and given their talk the other day... it's hard not to think this is his fault. Or that it could be. It's odd that this is only happening a few days later, but what else could be making him act like this?]
Look. If this is about the other day, you don't have to worry. I'm fine. We're fine. I'm not going to disappear if you turn your back for a second.
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It's not about that! It's not. I...I know that you won't.
[Then why was that so hard to say? Why does just the thought of it make his hands tremble? It's enough that Strut can actually feel it and squirms out of Ryan's arms.]
A-And like, I've been fine since then, so. It's not that. It wouldn't make any sense...
[He rubs at his elbow, unsure how to feel about the fact that his arms are empty now. None of this makes any sense and he knows he's been super weird and off putting, but he doesn't actually know how to make it stop.]
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Are you sure you aren't sick? I told you those pancakes were a bad idea...
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Having Min touch him feels incredibly reassuring though, and it takes everything in him not to whine when he does eventually pull his hand away. He needs to stop being like this, or he's going to freak Min out even more.]
I don't think so...? They just tasted like normal pancakes.
[But logically, that's probably what's causing all of this. He doesn't love that Min was probably right, but...]
...I guess I have felt a little weird though. Kind of.
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You should let me go and get something for your stomach. Maybe that would help you feel better.
["Should" because he's not convinced Ryan will let him leave him alone for that long, and he doesn't want to bring him along if he is unwell. He'd be better off staying behind to rest.]
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My stomach is totally fine. You don't have to do that. O-Or I could go with you, maybe! We could go out somewhere? Are you hungry?
[He doesn't feel right at all, but maybe he can pretend to be normal in public? Anything, anything but leaving him here by himself. He's trying to smile, but he actually looks kind of terrified at the thought of being left alone.]
We could...I dunno, we could order in? You don't have to go out just for me. Really.
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I'm not hungry, Ryan. I'm worried about you.
[But if he can't take Ryan out and he can't go anywhere without him he's sort of stuck. What is he supposed to do if he can't do either of those things? Wait it out until Ryan's feeling better? He doesn't like that option either.]
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I-I can come with you! I can come with you, I can handle it. I promise.
[He reaches out for Min's hand, and if Min lets him take it he'll feel how untrue that really is - Ryan is still trembling. His heart is pounding.]
I will be one hundred percent fine, just-- just let me come with you. Please?
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Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere.
[Not if he's going to panic like this, even if it delays his recovery from... whatever this is.]
Please, just... try and relax. I'm not going to leave you if you're going to freak out.
[He doesn't want to sound mean, but also he really, really wants Ryan to calm down even if it's just a little bit. He's not going to feel better if he's this worked up.]
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He makes himself breathe slowly, in and out. He's not really sure how long he's been hyperventilating, but making himself breathe does ease some of it. Shutting his eyes would probably help too, but he doesn't want to. Not right now.]
Sorry. I...I don't know what's wrong with me? I don't want to be freaking out! You're right, it's not like me and it just-- i-it'll just make everything worse.
[He bites at his lower lip, trying to will himself to stop feeling like he's going to cry if Min goes to a store without him. A sharp breath in, and a long breath out....]
...This is so stupid. I don't wanna be like this!
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It's okay. It's not stupid. You'll... you'll feel better soon, and if you don't want me to go then I won't.
[He still feels like he should get him something, but leaving will definitely only make the situation worse even if he was just planning on fetching things that might help him feel better.]
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[What is Min supposed to do? Be within arm's reach for the rest of forever? That's not actually reasonable or possible.
Sometimes Ryan doesn't want to be touched when he's feeling particularly overwhelmed or overstimulated. Right now though, the comfort of having Min right there, right obviously there, is more important. He reaches up and takes Min's hand, holding it and rubbing his thumb against the back like a worry stone.]
...Can we sit, or. Or something?
[He doesn't really know what he wants or needs or whatever, but sitting would be better probably.]
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[By now Min has gone from wishing he could avoid Ryan more easily to being willing to do just about anything he asks. He nods immediately, turning to shoo the two cats into the corner of the couch with his free hand so there's actually room for them. Neither of them seem thrilled by this, but they're small. They don't need to take up the whole space.
He lets Ryan take the lead on which seat he actually wants to take. If one of them feels a little better than the other then he wants him to be the one who gets to sit there.]
Do you want to do something? Or just sit around for a bit?
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Ryan sinks right back into the couch in a way that clearly seems to feel good, but he makes sure he's turned a little towards Min - not because he thinks he'll go anywhere, but because it just feels a little closer and more intimate that way. Vogue decides to climb into Ryan's lap either out of sympathy or because he wants his seat back, but Ryan seems alright with having something to do with his free hand.]
...Just sitting around is probably boring.
[For Min, he means. He doesn't want to put him through that. It seems like a shitty way to spend a day, though that might be because Ryan's still feeling like a shitty person to spend time with right now.
That being said, he doesn't know what he wants to do either. Even though he can feel himself coming down from the edge, his brain still feels like it's made of cotton.]
Sorry I tried the pancakes. They seemed normal? But...guess not, huh.
[Understatement of the century.]
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It's not boring.
[Or, well... It might be after a while, but for now he's happy to sit there. If this goes on for a while he can figure out something then.]
Do you think it was the pancakes?
[He's trying his best not to sound like he's judging him here. He's still not sure exactly what's happening, which makes it hard to know what he should be doing.]
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Probably? ...at this point I kinda hope it was. Then it'll just go away.
[That makes sense to him. Eventually it'll be out of his system and he'll be back to normal. The thought of it being more permanent than that is more than he can handle.]
...I don't even really know what "it" is? I've just been like, freaking out all day about shit I don't normally freak out this much about. Like...it all feels stupid to say out loud.
[Min can probably wager some guesses though.]
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[As in he still does freak out about it sometimes. He knows he doesn't have much ground to stand on when it comes to talking stuff out right now, but if Ryan is willing to share then he does want to listen. He just might not be as pushy about it as he would've been if this had happened before All Dressed hatched.
He gives Ryan's hand a reassuring squeeze. He's here. He's not going anywhere. Whatever's going on, they're in this together.]
Talk to me. I'm not going to think it's stupid. If it bothers you then it means something, right?
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It's definitely stupid. It's so, so stupid...
[But he squeezes Min's hand in return. The gesture helps ground him and remind him Min's there. Talking about it feels so much harder, like he's erased any progress he made in that regard.
Saying it out loud is terrifying. It means letting Min know he worries about this kind of thing even occasionally and revealing the horrible truth - that he's clingy and annoying and holding him back--
--and, suddenly he knows exactly how to ease into it.]
It's. It's like a bad thought, almost?
[They've talked about that before, about how they don't necessarily represent the truth of the situation, or what you're really like as a person.]
Like, usually it isn't a thing. And even when it comes up usually I can just like, squish it down and ignore it and move on? Because I... [He heaves a deep, frustrated sigh.] Like, I know better. But...I keep freaking out today anyway. Like, super freaking out, like it's end of the freaking world! Like-- like I'm dying or something, I don't get it!
[Which is, in Ryan's opinion, stupid as hell. He's obviously not dying, so why does the world feel like it's been on fire for the last several hours?!]
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[He doesn't have to think about that. His response is quick and definitive, leaving no room for argument from Ryan. He's not unfamiliar with what Ryan's describing, but it's not something he has to deal with anywhere near as frequently as he used to. This isn't about him, but he gets it. He really, really gets it.]
You know... I used to get that feeling a lot. I still don't understand it, but... it happens a lot less since we got off the train.
[He's never actually had to articulate it before, at least not in so much detail. Ryan's helped him a lot, but it might not even be something he knows he's doing? Maybe he's just good at knowing what to say when it feels like the weight of the whole world's pushing down on him. That surprises him. He'd always thought that came from a place of understanding. Now their positions are switched he's not so sure how to do it himself, but he has to try. Ignoring it doesn't help. He knows that much.]
When you keep pushing a problem down, it doesn't go away. It just builds up. Eventually you can't do that anymore. It gets too much, or something happens... and it feels like the end of the world even if you know it's not. I actually thought you knew that. You're always so good at keeping me calm when that happens to me.
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Wait. ...Wait, wait, wait. This is what that feels like for you?!
[What the fuck. What the fuck. Does this mean it wasn't the pancakes after all? Why does Min know what this feels like when he didn't have any? The worst part is that it doesn't come from a place of disbelief. He believes Min entirely, and that's the part that horrifies him.]
Min! I've spent half of today feeling like my heart was going to explode if I had to be alone! [He seems to realize that's too dramatic the second he says it though and backpedals immediately.] I-I mean, it's not, I'll be okay, but dude! I've never felt this before!
[Ryan stops petting Vogue so he can both Min's hand with both of his, as though Min's the one who needs the comfort.]
I mean...I've been worried or scared before, and I've felt like the world was over, but. It feels...different? It doesn't feel like, like this, in my body. I'm-- Min, I had no idea.
[He isn't thinking about all the times he's helped. He's thinking about all of the times he didn't get it, all of the times he was mad that Min seemingly ditched him without fully appreciating just how scared he must have been. He's come a long way since then, but trying his best to make Min feel better didn't mean that he fully understood how it physically felt.]
...You said it doesn't happen as much now? It's not this bad anymore?
[He really hopes so, because this sucks and he doesn't want Min feeling like this all the time either.]
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But this isn't about him. He shakes off the rising dread. This isn't about him. He can think about this later, when Ryan's back to his usual self.]
No. It's fine now. Sometimes I start to get worried, but you're there for me. You notice, and it barely ever gets to the point where it's too much.
I just... I thought you knew. I thought it was the same for everyone and you were just better at getting yourself back out of that space.
[Apparently not, which explains why he's been acting so strangely all day. He tugs Ryan's hands close to himself, so he can try and get back on track and start trying to comfort Ryan again.]
Sorry I kept trying to get away from you. I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea you were feeling like that.
[Maybe because his impulse is to do the opposite when he starts to feel like everything's too much. It always feels easier to isolate himself. To get away from everything. It isn't good for him, but being alone always feels easier in the moment.]
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He shakes his head, softly.]
No, it's okay. I haven't been acting like myself. And I promise, I'm not usually freaking out about this. I don't want you like, worrying about me every time we're apart. ...Sometimes bad thoughts cross my mind? Like that you might get sick of me, or that I might wind up by myself again, or...something. But that's all they are. I know that I won't, and I know you won't. ...You're always there for me too, even when I don't know I need it yet.
[Sometimes he just gets an intrusive thought, and he has to tell his brain to shut the fuck up because Min obviously isn't going anywhere. Even when he loses his mind to weird magic pancakes, of all things. Just the fact that he can talk a little more calmly about it show he's already starting to feel better.]
...I'm trying to think of how to describe how it feels. I've, um. I've never had to think about it before?
[But he wants to. Min should know, so he knows what he's weighing this against in his head, but he can't if he can't put it to words.]
But...hey, maybe your way's the normal one? I could be the weirdo here.
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[Sure he'd been angry a lot of the time, but most of that had been frustration at his absence, or his own inability to break free of the monotony of his life the way Ryan had. He can't imagine going that long without seeing him again, and he wouldn't want to. Ryan's a fundamental part of his life, and it's hard not to be around him.]
You don't have to tell me right now. If that's not the problem now won't it just make you worse to start thinking about it?
[Or would it help? It's hard for him to say since he's apparently been wrong about how Ryan feels when he's down this whole time.]
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...Me either. I missed you too.
[He squeezes Min's hand, as if to punctuate the thought. It's a weird way to hold someone's hand, with both of his own, but he still doesn't really want to let go.
Min has a point though, and he considers it.]
...Maybe? But, if I'm not feeling how I usually do...maybe it won't? Plus, you're here. ...And I can always stop.
[That in itself is a good reminder, because talking it out is also kind of scary, but Min's right here. He's here and that's enough for him to be able to try.]
I think...it's usually heavy? Heavy and slow. Like...it sucks all the energy out of me. Sometimes it's, um. Kind of numb? It's hard to describe, but usually I either push through it and try and get my mind off it, or just...curl up and ride it out, I guess?
[He looks to Min-Gi, trying to gauge if any of this makes sense. He feels like it doesn't, like he's just babbling in circles here, but...at least he's trying.]
Right now everything wants to be really, really fast and urgent. But, uh. Normally it's more like...not feeling like I can move at all. Or like it's ridiculously hard, like my whole body's just dead weight.
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He's a little less fine with Ryan making himself think about things that might make him feel worse, but he doesn't want to come across like he's trying to control him. He has to trust him, even when he's worried. Ryan knows what he can handle, and there are things about him that Min apparently doesn't know as well as he thought.
So he listens, even if he can't keep the concern from his features completely.]
I've seen it.
[But he didn't recognise it. He's misunderstood. Taken it for the aftermath rather than the panic itself. He feels bad now that he'd let Ryan wallow in it for so long.]
I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought you needed time. Afterwards. I thought I needed to wait.
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No, you don't need to be sorry. I did need time, and I found you when I was ready. ...I could hear you playing, and it kind of snapped me out of some of it.
[So, Min helped. He helped more than he might have even realized.]
And that one was...pretty bad. A lot of the time I can just push through, you know? Go through the motions until it sucks less, or until I can be done with whatever it is. Sometimes other stuff happens too, but...yeah. I guess I just...shut off for the most part.
[Whereas this feels more like he is not only on at full volume, but the speakers are turned up so high that they're blowing out.]
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Now he's had it articulated to him he can pinpoint far more times than he'd like where he'd missed the signs, and he's horrified.]
I had no idea.
[What is he meant to say here? He can't make it better. The time's already gone. ]
Ryan... That doesn't sound any better. I can't believe I never knew.
[Or when he had he hadn't realised how bad that was. It wasn't like he'd missed completely that Ryan wasn't himself when that had happened.]
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I mean...I didn't know you felt like this either, so. We're even?
[It's the best he can offer. Neither of them can change what they've said or done, but they know now. Ryan doesn't blame him, not even for a second. And sure, he feels bad about all the times he's been insensitive, but...
Actually, the fact that there's any hesitation there at all is remarkable. Ryan sighs, relieved.]
I think this is kind of helping.
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[Except he sort of is, isn't he? They're naturally competitive and that isn't always bad, but it's pretty messed up to try and one up each other at this of all things. It's at least a relief that Ryan says this is helping. He does seem a little better, even if it hasn't exactly felt like the most reassuring of conversations to Min.]
It is?
[It is talking, which is something that's always helped ground him when this has happened to him. And they are learning about each other. He doesn't feel great about all the times he's let Ryan down in the past, but if he's feeling better now, even if it's only a little, then it can't be all bad.]
Good. I'm glad. Do you want to keep talking about this, or...?
[Or would a distraction be better? He isn't sure, and doesn't want to push Ryan in a direction that will make him feel worse again if he can help it.]
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It says a lot that talking still helps now, even when the emotions are less familiar. It must be something that helps Min too.
Though...Min needs to be ready. Just a few days ago he made it clear that talking isn't always something he wants.
Ryan glances up, trying to think about what he wants or needs. He's...not sure he wants to open up more about that particular thing. It's worrying Min, and turning into something more difficult to share in the moment. He's feeling better, but the thought of that panic creeping back up from his heart and into his throat makes him worry that the progress could get undone.
Still, there's this feeling they should do something. Anything.]
We could...get something to eat?
[Vogue (who has been casually making biscuits on Ryan for the last several minutes to try and help) perks his ears up. Food??]
We could order in. Unless we have something here?
[Distraction is good, but it's the kind of distraction that leaves the door open slightly in case they do need to talk more. Plus, it's probably a good sign in general that Ryan has any appetite at all.]
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Then again, Ryan's said himself he's not used to feeling anxious like this, and Min knows first hand how much energy it can end up burning. Maybe he's starting to feel it now he's a little more himself.]
We can order in. Stay here. I'm just grabbing the menus. I promise I'm not really going anywhere.
[They could order something on the Gears easily, but fascinating as Min-Gi finds the idea he can't quite bring himself to trust it. He'd rather phone and have it delivered, or go and collect it himself on some occasions. Not that he plans on doing that today. It seems better if they both stay right here for now.
He looses Ryan's hands after one more reassuring squeeze, scooping up Strut under one arm and hastily moving the short distance to the drawer where he's stashed the takeout menus he's collected so far for Lavender. He doesn't want to leave Ryan for long now he understands what's going on with him, and wastes no time returning to him with the menus in his free hand.]
What do you feel like? We can get whatever you want.
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Literally anything but pancakes. I don't want to look at a pancake again for the rest of my life...
[He's very aware that he did this to himself, even if he didn't know there was magical fine print involved, but he might literally never be in the mood for pancakes after all of this.
Unfortunately, that doesn't actually narrow it down at all. Ryan thumbs through the menus, sticking one for a diner that serves breakfast all day on the bottom where he doesn't have to think about it.]
Uh...I dunno, pizza maybe? What kind of toppings should we get?
[You know, on the assumption that they'd split one. While Min's thinking about that, Ryan spies something further down that particular menu and gasps.]
Oh my god, I think this one's Hawaiian? Except there's no Hawaii here so it's-- [Wait. He squints.] A...lolan? Aw, I thought it said "Aloha"-n. That would've been funnier.
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Min refrains from commenting on anything that Ryan looks at, waiting until his opinion is invited for once. If they get pizza it makes sense they would share, so he does start to try and think about it, shaking his head quietly at Strut as she tries to voice her thoughts. They have plenty of more Pokémon friendly foods. She will not be getting pizza.]
Do you want Hawaiian? Or... "Aloha"-n.
[It wouldn't be his first pick, but he is trying very hard to sound neutral so Ryan will choose what he actually wants. And "Aloha"-n would be pretty funny.]
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Unfortunately for Min, Ryan already knows that isn't his go-to order and that sways him from the start. He's admittedly a little curious if it's actually the same, but he shakes his head.]
Nah, I just thought it was funny.
[He hums thoughtfully as he looks through the menu. They aren't going to get anywhere if they just wait for each other to make a choice though, so he goes for a new plan.]
Well...whatever we get on it, I want extra cheese. And...an order of fries.
[Ryan looks to Min, now that he's put down a couple real suggestions.]
What do you want on it?
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You know what? Hawaiian does sound pretty good. Let's see if it really is the same thing. Do you want anything else? Or soda?
[By now Strut is trying to climb his chest so she can complain about the lack of input she has directly into his ear. Doing this in front of their Pokémon might have been a mistake.]
Calm down. We'll feed you guys after we put in an order.
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You hear that? You're gonna get to eat even before we do, so you've got nothing to whine about. [This is then undermined immediately by soft cooing--] Aw, I know. Your life is so hard...
[Vogue purrs in reply, happy that Ryan understands his life is in fact the hardest life that any pokémon has ever lived. No one has suffered like Vogue suffers, having to listen to his human and his secondary human order pizza for themselves!
Min's choice registers after that and Ryan perks right up. He genuinely hadn't been expecting Min to go for it and wouldn't have been upset if he picked something else, but he's admittedly pretty curious about it and might have thought about it for the rest of his life if they didn't try it.]
Yes! Definitely fries. --Oh, soda would be good too. Whatever's closest to Sprite?
[He definitely hasn't been paying attention to what the Poké-brand names are unless they're funny. Something about getting soda feels like a splurge since they definitely have drinks where they are, but it isn't exactly a huge one. It feels like a special treat!]
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Don't worry, I wouldn't forget your fries.
[It wouldn't be surprising if he'd missed it given the noise Strut is still making, but he's pretty good at retaining orders in his head. Especially when it comes to Ryan whose likes and dislikes he knows almost as well as his own.]
Strut, it's going to take longer if they can't hear me. Vogue's being good.
[She doesn't seem too thrilled at being compared negatively to the other cat, but the upside of her being a Pokémon is the same downside that had caused all this drama in the first place. They understand exactly what their humans are saying, so she does reluctantly settle down to let Min put in the order.
He takes the menu from Ryan so he can dial the number on his Gear, ordering them an Alolan pizza, their own separate fries, and a large bottle of Sprite. Just Sprite, strangely.]
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Aw, you're good too, Strut. C'mere--
[Aside from that, Ryan keeps quiet and lets Min do the ordering. He doesn't forget the fries (and they each get their own!) and...huh. When Min hangs up the phone, Ryan tilts his head curiously at him.]
Sooo...Hawaii doesn't exist but Sprite is still Sprite? This place is so weird sometimes.
["Sometimes", as though he wasn't subjected to magic mood-changing pancakes this morning.]
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He shrugs at Ryan's question as he sets down his Gear, glancing down to see if Strut wants to come back to him but she only seems to have eyes for Ryan for the moment.]
I guess. The label's different, but it still basically tastes like Sprite.
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[Because he has definitely been stumped looking for versions of things in their world in this one, and may or may not have frustrated multiple retail workers who had no idea what he was talking about.
Unfortunately, it's Vogue's turn to be a little naughty. Min-Gi is clearly off of his Gear and he and Strut were promised food! So he stretches big in Ryan's lap and makes a big show of stepping over him (and over Strut) to go right up to Min-Gi. He puts both of his palms on Min's side and meows up at him like he is starving.
No one has suffered like he has suffered!!! Min promised food and it's been a whole thirty seconds!
(Ryan should probably stop this, but he's busy trying not to laugh.)]
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Fine. I'll feed you. Are you happy now?
[Likely not since he's only getting up and they do not actually have food yet. Strut takes note of his movement, though, hopping away from Ryan and getting herself under Min's feet as he goes to feed them.
She is starving!! Vogue is starving!! Why isn't he doing this faster?]
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This time, Ryan doesn't have to be told to stay put. He does watch, but it's more because the whole thing is kind of endearing, even if Min is getting frustrated with them. It just reminds him how sweet Min is to put up with all of this today.]
Need any help over there, man?
[The question is noticeably lacking the absolute desperation to be glued to the hip with Min, and thus is a marked improvement overall. Ryan just feels a little bad that he's sitting and watching Min take care of both of their Pokémon, even though Ryan would do the same if their situations were reversed. There wouldn't even be a second thought.]
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No, it's fine. I've got it.
[It does wind up taking longer than it should. They're both so noisy and somehow know exactly where they need to be to get in his way. Eventually, though, both cats have food in bowls far enough apart they hopefully won't try and steal from each other and Min-Gi is free to sit back down.
He's glad Ryan is apparently feeling himself enough he could keep out of it. He doesn't want to ask if the pancakes are wearing off and risk reminding him to feel clingy, but it's nice to see him a bit more relaxed even when he'd almost been on the far side of the room.]
They're so going to want more when the pizza gets here.
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Oh, totally. They'll be like, "You haven't fed us in 100 years! Give us what you're eating!"
[Cats are cats, even if those cats are Pokémon.
There's a thought on Ryan's mind though, and he blurts it out before he forgets to, or before they get too deep into kitty cat antics.]
...Thanks for everything today, by the way. I know it's been like, super annoying.
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It's okay. You put up with me when I'm being weird. It's only fair if I do the same for you.
[Ryan's put up with a lot from him lately, so annoyed as he'd been earlier it's hard to find it in himself to stay irritated now they've talked it out. He's just grateful he seems more like himself.]
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Pfft. You haven't been that weird. I'm pretty sure I've been way weirder lately?
[Not even just today - there's the torchic performance, and the freak out he had about getting the evidence removed from Joltiktoc, and how irritating he was when he and Min were repelling each other like magnets. It's not a competition or anything, but it's hard for Ryan to not feel like he's been harder to deal with.]
Man, I have no idea what I'd do here without you.
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Are you kidding me? There have been so many times where I've been way weirder.
[There's the whole Poké Mafia thing, how nervous their sudden rise to fame had made him even before the publication of their Torchic photos, and the ongoing problem of how much he hates being around psychic Pokémon. It's not a competition, but if it was Min's sure he has the edge.]
You'd be fine without me. I got by, didn't I? It's way better having you here though.
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I'm not kidding! Besides all your weird is like, normal kinds of weird. Mine's weirder weird, so it counts twice as much.
[He's being light and playful about it now though - this is a game and he's winning.]
Mm, you did. Buuuut even if I could do it alone, I wouldn't want to. It would suck so much. I'm...[He actually falters trying to find the words he wants.] ...I'm just. Super glad you're with me?
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Oh, yeah. Me as a criminal? That's totally normal compared to your stuff. What was I thinking?
[The other part of the conversation isn't something that feels so easy. Mostly because Ryan has no idea what he's doing to him, coming out with stuff like that. He knows how he means it, but that doesn't stop him forgetting how to breathe for a moment.]
Yeah. Me too. I'm glad you're with me too.
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I didn't mean it like that! I meant it's a normal thing to be freaking out about. Who wouldn't freak out about suddenly having to be a criminal?
[Even Ryan probably wouldn't be totally calm about that.]
Meanwhile I'm over here like "Oh no, I ate pancakes that made me lose my freaking mind!"
[He is the clear winner here. Though, it's not clear if this is a contest anyone should really want to win? Luckily for Min, he doesn't have any more embarrassing words for him, but...having the sentiment returned, no matter how many times he's heard it before, brings a bit of color to Ryan's cheeks.]
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[Ryan may have the edge today, but it's not like nothing weird has ever happened to him here. Apparently Min-Gi isn't willing to give up too easily even if this particular contest isn't one either of them should be trying to win at.
He does cave pretty fast at Ryan's pushback, but makes no move to really move his hand away either. For Ryan's benefit, obviously. He's doing better, but he probably still wants to be as close as possible.]
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[He was weird that day too, so clearly his weirdness still outnumbers Min's! This is a very normal contest to be trying to win at!
That being said, Ryan is very aware of Min's hand staying where it is. It's so sweet of him to still be worrying this much, even though he's definitely feeling mostly better now. He sneaks a hand over to gently rest on the back of Min's.
Maybe he shouldn't be milking this for all it's worth. But...this is nice. Being close and cozy and being able to touch is just nice. And being playfully competitive at the same time just makes it all feel so weirdly normal.]
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[There's a definite hint of challenge in his expression that belies the softness of their touch. He almost wishes they didn't have food on the way that will inevitably end up interrupting the moment.]
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I dunno, man. I'm pretty sure I volunteered my services as a crowbar...
[Which is objectively weird on his part. The challenge is part of the fun though - they can be comfy and competitive all at the same time.
Ar least until pizza comes. Then one of those things will fall to the wayside.]
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You know what? You're right. I guess that was pretty weird of you.
[It might seem mean if not for the deep affection obvious in his voice. The switch in stance hadn't been in his original plans, but sometimes it's fun to be mean to Ryan.]
I concede.
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But then he remembers two can play the smug game.]
Thank you. Now that I've been officially crowned the biggest weirdo in the house I'd like to thank the Recording Academy, all of our future fans, NOT my parents OR my siblings because I got this weird on my own, aaaaand Min-Gi Park for always believing in me and for driving me absolutely insane for two whole decades.
[He was counting off on his fingers, and when he leaves out his family that leaves three fingers up - conveniently in the shape of the infamous rock and roll devil horns, which he throws at Min while sticking out his tongue to really rub that last point in.]
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Wow. What happened to being super glad I'm with you? But if that's how you feel...
[He sighs deeply, shaking his head as he looks away from him. Strut seems to take his sadness as genuine and squirms herself free from Vogue to trot over and jump back on his lap. Don't be sad, human! Strut is here and she is adorable.]
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I am super glad I'm with you. Both things can be true, y'know. Maybe I'm happy you drive me insane.
[Min drives him crazy and he wouldn't have it any other way. If one person is going to consistently make Ryan feel like he's losing his mind, like his heart's going to flutter out of his chest, it's going to be Min-Gi.]
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Okay, that is weird. No wonder I couldn't win against you.
[That's not really true. Ryan drives him crazy all the time, but he'd never change that about him. He wouldn't be Ryan if he didn't, and Min already knows how much better his life is with him in it.]
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What can I say? I set a very high and very weird bar.
[He laughs, content to be the weird champion, and reaches over to give Strut some pets too. Double attention for the baby!]
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You do, but that's why I love you.
[He hasn't said it since the Torchic thing blew up online, but it's true and with Ryan feeling more vulnerable today it seems like a good time to remind him. He looks vaguely awkward about saying it, but not uncomfortable.]
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I-I love you too! [Wait. Too enthusiastic. Fuck.] ...I love you too.
[And naturally, before anyone can dissect that weird response, there's a knock at the door. Pizza, thankfully delivered by human hands.]
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Thankfully neither of them have much time to dwell on it before the pizza arrives. He jumps, instinctively scooting back like he's been caught out at the knock on the door. Although he was the one who ordered it takes him a moment to realise who it must be. He deposits Strut on Ryan's lap, standing stiffly and moving to grab his wallet from where he left it before he answers the door.]
I'll get it.
[It doesn't take long to sort out. He just has to pay and tip for delivery, and he'd already known how much he'd need for that. He returns with a box and a carrier bag with their Sprite and fries. This is where there might be a problem. Strut's standing tall (or at least as tall as she can), and her eyes are wide as she eyes up the box.]
You just ate. Can't you let us have our turn?
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Plus, Strut is a good distraction. Ryan can't help laughing at the very dramatic reaction.]
Hang on, I got it--
[He dips into the bag with the fries and pulls one out for her to see. Look at that! A french fry! You want the fry??? He flicks his wrist toward the other side of the room, and Strut leaps off and goes running--!
...And Ryan opens his hand, revealing to Min that the fry is still there. He pops it in his mouth, and went Strut inevitably returns Ryan has his legs pulled up so she can't sit on him. Sorry Strut, it's their dinner time now.]
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Strut wails loudly as she returns, unable to get up onto either of them since Min has the box on his lap. She calls out for support from Vogue. Surely the humans couldn't resist both of them?
For now her pleas for food fall on deaf ears as Min passes Ryan his fries then opens the box, tilting it towards Ryan to offer him a slice.]
It looks just like Hawaiian.
[Despite it being Ryan's pick, Min sounds genuinely fascinated by this.]
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While everyone else has been busy with emotions and whatnot, Vogue has been being sneaky looking in cupboards in the kitchenette. There isn't a lot there since their stay is temporary, but surely the treats are somewhere...
Ryan is not paying him any attention anyway. He just stares at the slice in his hand.]
Woah. It totally does...
[Without examining it further (since it came from a human restaurant and not a random psychic pokémon) Ryan impulsively takes a bite. Once he swallows, he happily reports--]
Tastes like it too! That's so weird...
[A good sort of weird though, one that Ryan is enjoying.]
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His instincts are on point though. No matter how short the stay, Min-Gi likes to unpack and put things they'll likely need in their proper place. Treats are an essential when you have Pokémon as spoiled as theirs. The treats are in there... Somewhere.
Min's barely picked up his own slice by the time Ryan's already tucking in, and he pauses to glance at him as he reacts.]
Yeah?
[He raises an eyebrow, then takes a bite himself.]
Huh. It does. It's weird how many things are like that here. Like... you'd think it'd be way more different, right? Even with the same foods there'd be some different way they'd figured out how to make it. But this is just a Hawaiian.
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Right! Like it's one thing to just happen to come up with the same combinations, but they literally named it Aloha-n Pizza. That's Hawaiian, man! How would they even know to call this kind of pizza that if there isn't a Hawaii here?
[Maybe because it's Alolan and not Aloha-n, but it's still pretty damn close so the point...almost stands?]
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[Min mostly agrees, but he is nothing if not pedantic.]
I think it's meant to be sort of like Hawaii? But does that mean there's somewhere like Canada here? Or was it invented somewhere else?
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[Ryan laughs at his own dumb joke so hard that it doesn't actually make any noise.]
Wait, wait, no. We show up somewhere and they're like-- they're like, "We sell poutine from the far-off region of Sorey-eh!"
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Dude, if someone tries to sell us poutine from somewhere called Sorey-eh we are not trying it.
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[Wait. Wait. Hang on, he has to amend this after the events of today.]
I am trying it as long as it's not being delivered by a weird psychic pokémon.
[Better?]
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[Really, he'd be on it in a second no matter how bad the region name may end up being. Alolan pizza is fine, so he has no reason to think poutine would be any different.]
Fusion!!! (4th Wall, May 19th)
There are all sorts of little odd things about it, like how his gem somehow feels like it's the entire center of his being or how his boots and shirt and such feel like they're basically painted onto him. His whole body is an unnatural reddish-pink and somehow he feels really light, impossibly so - like all of his mass is inside his gem.
Red Jade. He doesn't know why he knows that's what it is, but he knows it instinctively.
At the moment, they're hanging out at their place in Vermillion. They have a wedding to play in a couple of days, so it made the most sense to stay local until they have to take the ferry and get some practice in. This turn of events is unbelievably distracting though, and naturally they haven't gotten a ton done. Ryan's pacing around, trying to distract himself with the task at hand - finalizing their contributions to the collaborative set list. Vogue is making a game of following his steps.]
Hmmm...you think White Wedding's too on the nose to use?
[Is it on the nose or is it actually just a lyrically bad pick for a wedding? Who's to say?]
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He looks up at Ryan's suggestion, perplexed and maybe a little offended on the couple's behalf.]
No way, man. Just because a song's got wedding in the title that doesn't mean you can sing it at one.
[Not that he's coming up with anything at the moment.]
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But Miiiiin, it's a--
[Then he dips his voice low, probably a little too Ridge Irvine sand paper and not enough Billy Idol, but the joke still stands.]
♪ --nice day for a~ white weddingggg
It's a~ nice day to~ start agaaaaain ♪
[He can't keep it going much more than that though, because he's starting to laugh too much. Vogue has turned his attention directly to Strut from all of the tail nipping, but she should look out-- he's low to the ground, butt wiggling in the air, and clearly plotting to pounce.]
But fine, fiiiine. Any other ideas?
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[He still isn't really looking at Ryan, but his irritation is clearly put on and there's a hint of a smile tugging at his lips as he tries to suppress a snigger. He has to stop and think before he can give any answers though. It's surprisingly hard to think up a good song for a wedding. There are no shortage of love songs, but none of them feel right. They're too cheesy, or too sad, or don't fit what (admittedly little) he knows about them as a couple. He taps out a few absent notes on the keyboard, trying to think up a real suggestion.
Strut, meanwhile, is just happy that someone is paying her attention. She either doesn't know or doesn't care that she's about to be pounced on, crouching before Vogue to mimic his pose.]
How about...
[He doesn't sound totally sure of whatever he's about to suggest, but after a short deliberation he starts to play out the intro to a song.]
♪ How can I convince you
What you see is real?
Who am I to blame you
For doubting what you feel...? ♪
[He trails off, looking over at Ryan for his thoughts. He figures it's a better option than White Wedding if nothing else.]
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♪ I was always reachin'
You were just a girl I knew
I took for granted
The friend I had in you ♪
[He stops pacing, instead moving toward Min-Gi and his synth. There's no planning - he knows intuitively that they'll come together for the chorus in harmony.]
♪ I was living for a dreaaaaam
Loving for a momeeeeent
Taking on theeee woooorld
That was just myyyy styyyle ♪
[It really was, wasn't it? He knows all the words, but Ryan hasn't thought about this song in a long time. It feels so much different than it did in high school, after everything they've been through.
His attention is on Min and his song choice, and unfortunately not at all on their cat pokémon. Almost on cue, Vogue takes for granted the friend he has in Strut and leaps into a tackle, sending both cats tumbling across the floor.]
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It hadn't occurred to him when he'd thought of it just how easily this song could apply to them if the lyrics weren't so blatantly romantic, but hearing the words from Ryan's own mouth has his cheeks heating up a little. He's not sure how he can take looking into Ryan's eyes while actually singing about looking into his eyes, but thankfully the thud and quickly following yowl as Vogue tackles Strut spares him that dilemma. He stops playing abruptly, standing up quicker than he means to to investigate the commotion.
Strut is fine, despite all her dramatic wailing. Min-Gi, on the other hand, still isn't used to his new centre of gravity and has to steady himself.]
Strut! Can't you see we're trying to work?
[Because honestly? She might be underneath, but he has a strong feeling she's probably the instigator here.]
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It's fine; they're just play-- Vogue! No! Cut it out!
[Vogue had spent a few pretending he wasn't the problem child, but Ryan's caught him red-handed with his mouth open, ready to sneakily nip one of Strut's big ol' ears. He pouts, slowly shuts his mouth, and then lays down to sulk about not being allowed to have any fun ever.]
...Maybe they have a point though? Not the biting thing, but. Maybe we could use a break?
[He reaches to take Min's hand, as though lightly holding and swinging it a little will really convince him that it should be break time now and not work time. A totally compelling argument.]
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Do we have time for a break? This isn't just some gig.
[Not that he doesn't also take their gigs seriously, no matter how big or small the venue. Ryan does too. He knows that. It's just hard not to want something to focus on that isn't their current situation. He isn't going to feel comfortable until they're back to being themselves, but playing music has helped. At least a little.]
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[That feels easier to sell Min on than just saying that yes, they have time, don't worry about it.]
It'll help recharge us so we can remember more wedding songs from home that don't suck.
[A beat, and then he realizes how that must sound.]
Yours is great though! You're amazing! I never would've thought of it in a million years.
[Without thinking about the implications of his actions at all, Ryan takes Min's other hand. He's just caught up in his own moment, being a little goofy with the dramatics of the next lines of the song.]
♪ When I look into your eeeeeeeyes
I can see forever~! ♪
[And he does look at Min, bright and hopeful and a truly stupid shade of red, trying to will him to join in and keep the song going.]
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He knows he's just being silly. He knows that. It's just Ryan having fun, but seeing him look at him like that... Hearing him sing those words. Even looking like that, Ryan is still Ryan and in the moment it would be so easy to believe he meant it.
He doesn't, though, and Min-Gi knows that. They're friends, and that's enough. It's always been enough. The hopeful flutter in his chest twists, turning into a pang he can't let himself think about. He's definitely let the silence drag too long, but Ryan's still looking at him expectantly.]
♪ The search is over...
You were with me all the while ♪
[His voice falters more than it usually does when he sings, but he can only hope Ryan will ignore it. Won't notice the effect he has on him.]
1/2
This is too much. It has to be, right? Min-Gi just came out, and only to him. He doesn't need to wrestle with what it could mean for Ryan to sing a song like this at him.
He's just about to kick himself more for it, and backpedal out of what he's just done, but then Min sings the rest of the line. He doesn't have Ryan's dramatics, but it's soft and sweet and it makes his own heart flutter in his chest. He's in awe, and then the expression changes slowly to beaming in relief.]
...Yeah! Yeah, see? It's perfect, man.
[There's a soft laugh in his voice, a relieved one that he didn't fuck this all up. Something in him feels incredibly light now, in a way he doesn't know how to explain in words. So he does what comes more naturally instead - he moves. He lets go of Min's hands so he can throw his arms around his shoulders in what was meant to be a tight, friendly hug.
But it's not tight at all. It's soft, like falling into a pillow almost. And.......bright?]
2/2
They look up, and all around them. The cats have vanished, because watching their dads fuse into one bigger dad was terrifying and they are both watching from underneath the couch.
Everything feels...new. Like they're looking at the apartment for the first time. Like they've never truly existed before right now.
That's not true though. They weren't alone. They were...
He was? He...]
Min-Gi?!
[They reach up and touch both the gem on their chest and the gem on their forehead. Their gems, plural???]
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It isn't even a song they've written, but it always feels good to be praised by Ryan. To know he likes something he's thought of. He doesn't mind the hug. In some ways it's less intimate than holding hands, and it gives him a much needed reprieve from looking into Ryan's eyes.
Except... Ryan melts into him, vanishing altogether as the world turns bright around them.
When they become aware again their arms are wrapped around themself and their hands loosen. They don't think it's him doing that. Is it?
No. He's sure it wasn't. Instinctively, he knows they aren't alone.
They feel familiar, and alien all at once.
Before the thought can fully process he hears a voice come out of their mouth. It doesn't sound like his voice, but it doesn't sound like Ryan's either. It's someone else entirely, yet somehow he knows they're them. One in ways they could never have conceived of until now.
Their hands reach up to feel their gems, but that isn't what he wants. These aren't his movements. It scares him. He tears his hands away, and they stumble backwards. By the time he hits the ground he's Min-Gi again. Or at least the Min-Gi he is today. He flexes his fingers, staring down at them now he has full control again. It's strange how empty he feels now he isn't them. He sits up, reaching out for the one who'd been part of him only moments earlier.]
Ryan...?
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Is he alone? He feels...something. Lonely?
But then his name is called and Ryan sits right up.]
Min! Min--
[Sitting up turns into scrambling closer to Min-Gi, the one thing that makes any sense in all of this.]
What was that?! How did we...
[He doesn't have a word for it, so he trails off and uselessly links his own fingers together. But wait, that's not the most important thing here.]
Are you okay?
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What happened was... strange, but now he's back to himself he's not as frightened by it as he thought.]
I'm fine. Are you okay?
[He inches himself closer, not reaching out to touch if Ryan doesn't want that. Maybe that would be too much after spontaneously becoming one person.
Their cats are becoming slightly bolder as they peek from beneath the couch now. Things are slightly more normal again, and while the separation was initially as scary as them becoming One Big Dad they're at least recognisable to them again now.]
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Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine too. I...
[He still struggles for words, all of his feelings sort of rattling around in his head uselessly. The ones that finally bubble up also bring even more red to his cheeks, but he seems happy anyway.]
...That felt amazing. Is that weird? I feel like that might be weird. I mean, I didn't know that was going to happen obviously, but! But it felt...good.
[He unlaces his fingers and holds out a hand for Min to take - not necessarily to try again immediately but because the separation between them feels unnatural now. ]
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[Min-Gi sounds surprised, but not upset by the explanation. He takes a moment to process it, first seeming uncertain, then maybe embarrassed. But not upset. A faint smile comes over his face as he reaches out to take his hand, moving to sit so their shoulders are touching.
It isn't the same as it had been before, but it's nice. And it's enough. At least for now.]
It felt good to me too. It scared me, but... I think if I was expecting it, I would've enjoyed it.
[So hugging Ryan is off the table until they feel ready to try again, but holding his hand doesn't seem to do anything. It's nice, but it's also normal. They might look a little different right now, but it's still something they've done countless times.]
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Really? I thought you would've hated it. I think we were in each other's heads? Somehow? And I know that's not really your thing.
[But it makes sense. Min-Gi pulled back because he was startled and scared and didn't know what was happening. Now that he does though...Ryan can't help himself. He squeezes Min's hand, but glances up more towards the ceiling, trying to be so casual about it]
Soooooo...would you wanna try it again?
[What a totally chill question that isn't needy or clingy at all!]
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Yeah, but... I trust you.
[It's different. They've spent their entire lives together. There's no one he feels closer to than Ryan. No one who he feels so wrong without. In some ways it makes sense to him they could be one person.
Strut had abandoned Vogue under the couch to sniff at her dads now the excitement is over, so Min-Gi reaches over to pet her reassuringly with his free hand, looking over with surprise when Ryan suggests they try it again.
Despite feeling the loss more keenly than he thought he could for something he'd only experienced for a few moments he hadn't expected either one of them to suggest they try again so quickly.]
Already?
[It's not a no, but he tenses up at the thought, fingers tightening to grip Ryan's hand more tightly.]
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As soon as Min comments on how soon it is, Ryan attempts to backpedal. He can feel that hand tighten and he doesn't pull away, but he's suddenly aware that it might be too much too soon.]
W-We don't have to! There's no rush. I just...if you want to, then I want to too.
[He squeezes Min's hand, trying to be reassuring. It doesn't have to be now. It doesn't have to be ever if Min doesn't want to. It just has to be when Min's ready, and Ryan can wait.]
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I do want to. I just... I didn't think you'd want to already.
[Does he want to yet? Min-Gi honestly isn't sure. He does and he doesn't. It had been terrifying being part of someone else. It had also felt right, and he feels so empty now.
He looks Ryan over carefully, considering.]
What if we can't do it again?
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Min asks a good question though, one Ryan almost doesn't want to think about. It had felt so incredible, even for just a moment, that thinking about the loss of it already hurts. But...realistically, whatever is happening this weekend won't last forever. It might not even last beyond today.
When he finally answers, he makes it sound so simple.]
Then we can't do it again. And we already couldn't do it before, so we'd just be back where we started. But...we won't know unless we try, right?
[They could be afraid of not being able to sync up again, or they could just go for it - and it's no secret what Ryan's vote would be.]
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Okay. So, let's try. Do we just hug, or...?
[Realistically, he knows Ryan's probably just as clueless as he is. It's not like he mean to make whatever happened to them happen. He'd just hugged him, and then he'd been inside him somehow.]
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[He has absolutely no idea. He doesn't want to think about how weird it will probably be to sync up on the floor though, so he stands up and offers a hand to Min. When he takes it, Ryan doesn't just pull him to his feet - he pulls him up and into his arms for a tight hug.
And he holds it.
...And he holds it.
His eyes were closed at first, but now they're open and he's looking over Min's shoulder awkwardly. They haven't frightened the cat Pokémon back under the couch yet at least.]
Is...anything happening?
[Doesn't seem like it.]
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It had felt as right as ever when Ryan had pulled him up with surprising strength and held him close, but the longer it goes on the weirder it feels. Min-Gi waits at first. He's always been an advocate for patience.
But by the time Ryan speaks up... even he can't deny this doesn't seem to be working.]
I don't think so...
[He still hasn't moved reluctant to break free, just in case this is the moment it does happen.]
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Was anything else happening? We were goofing off a little, singing...
[He trails off, unsure what the connection would be. Something happened, and it wasn't just a hug. They did touch, but it wasn't just the hug...]
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[Where had they got to even? He thinks back, to before this had happened. He falters once he does remember, the lyrics hitting far too close to home for reasons he can never explain to Ryan.
But if they're going to succeed in becoming one again, maybe it's what they need. He pulls back just enough he can look at Ryan, starting to sing softly.]
♪ Can we last forever?
Will we fall apart?
At times, it's so confusing... ♪
[He trails off there, looking to Ryan to pick up the slack or call it off. His throat is tight and anxious, something he hopes Ryan won't pick up on. Maybe it would've been less weird if they'd tried goofing off.]
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♪ The questions of the heart... ♪
[There aren't any questions in his heart. It knows what he's known for years now, and can't do anything with that information. He isn't belting anymore - he's matching Min's energy, making it a softer song than it was before.]
♪ You followed me through changes
And patiently you'd wait
'Til I came to my senses
Through some miracle of fate... ♪
[He doesn't remember this song hitting so hard before, but now? Now it feels so on point that it could have been something they wrote. These are words Ryan can imagine himself writing and singing...all with Min. And it feels right.
Before the chorus comes back, Ryan can't help himself. Standing still in this moment is agonizing so he starts to sway with Min, like they're preteens at a middle school dance.]
♪ I was living for a dream... ♪
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Then when Ryan starts swaying with him... he almost forgets to breathe.
Once he does start to join in he feels giddy and light, though he knows he's reading into it more than he should.]
♪ Loving for a moment
Taking on the world
That was just my style ♪
[It only feels natural to lean in closer now. It doesn't feel weird like it had before. Even though they're still separate, they still feel almost as united.]
♪ Now I look into your eyes ♪
[Everything feels brighter than it had before. Softer.]
♪ I can see foreveeeer ♪
[It isn't his voice anymore. It's theirs. They laugh, looking down at purple hands. They aren't so worried this time, now that they'd been hoping for it. Although there's no one else there to hold, they don't mind that now. They wrap their arms around themselves, approximating a hug.]
Ryan! We did it!
[Strut doesn't seem so worried about it this time either. She doesn't love it, but she doesn't flee either. Not that they notice, too wrapped up in themselves.]
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[That little self-hug feels so, so good. They are warm and light and full of every fuzzy feeling the two have had in the last several minutes. If they smile any bigger their face is going to start to hurt, but they laugh in relief anyway that it actually worked.]
Woah...
[They look down at their hands again - there's no sadness in slipping out of the hug because the feelings inside of it still course through their entire being. It's really amazing though - they aren't quite Min and they aren't quite Ryan. There's so many things they could do or say or BE - it's incredible! But it's so much.
Suddenly, a gasp!]
I should-- We? We should find a mirror!
[Vogue is somewhat reluctantly out from under the couch because he refuses to be seen as more of a baby than Strut, but he's very prickly and keeping a good distance.]
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[Which is still scary, but not so much now that they were expecting it. It's a good idea. They have no idea how they look right now, and while there's some trepidation they aren't so worried about finding out as they were when they were just Min. They take a step towards the bathroom, then another slower one because it turns out their centre of balance is a little different now they're taller.]
Be careful.
[Min thinks he's the one controlling their legs right now, but it doesn't feel totally the same as when he's on his own. They figure it doesn't hurt to warn them. They're still not used to being one person after all.]
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But it's fine. If it makes a part of them feel more secure, then they can work with that!
So they slowly and clumsily make their way to the bathroom. Even so, there's an small undercurrent of excitement. They're walking!
They catch the door frame and with maybe an odd amount of trepidation for someone who was so excited about the idea, they shyly peek into the bathroom...
...And a tall purple person looks back at them in the Mirror, with two sets of eyes and two sets of gems.
The truly odd part is that even though this person doesn't look like either Ryan or Min, there's still a ping of recognition in the back of their mind. They are Purple Jade, in the same way that Ryan is Red Jade and Min is Blue Jade - not that either name has gotten any use.]
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[That sends him reeling for a moment before they're back to them. They really are one person. They step closer to the mirror, reaching out to touch their reflection in wonder.]
It's us...
[They're scary yet familiar. And they're not really a them, are they?]
It's... me?
[That sends a shiver through them. They still feel like separate people almost despite occupying one body. Are they still them? Are they... them?]
This is confusing.
[But he's determined to hold himself together this time. To hold them together. At least for longer than they had before. This is how they should be. At least that's how they feel. They've always been Min-Gi and Ryan, for longer than either of them can remember. There were so few people who thought of them separately as they grew up it almost makes sense this would feel so right to them.]
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[You know, because that's how the song that help fuse them together goes? It's a bad joke though, and they're a lot more interested in what's in the glass anyway. One hand reaches for the mirror, and the other lifts up to their face, as if touching and looking at the same time will make it all more real.]
...It's super weird. But cool too?
[There are parts they can see that they recognize from before. Ryan's nose twitches. They run their fingers along Min's jawline. All these little bits and pieces that combine to make them.
But who are they? Purple Jade, they've established, but no one is using their gem names it seems - Ryan and Min-Gi have perfectly good names already, after all. All four eyes squint at their reflection, trying to sound out something better.]
Ry-Gi? ...Min-An.
[No, both of those suck. Hm...]
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They're content to let Ryan explore their features, marvelling at how much different some of it feels while some feels exactly like his own. They're less content with Ryan's attempts to work out their name. Because they're already very sure those are Ryan's contributions, not Min's.]
Can't we just be Min-Gi and Ryan? We're still us. ...Kind of.
[But they're someone new as well, aren't they?]
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[There's a small pang of something within them, the smallest amount of heartache. It's something they're trying to keep pushed down, but is truly impossible to hide when they're made of more than one sentient part.
Maybe they weren't ready for this, together.
(Maybe they rushed into things again, forced Min-Gi along into this really intimate thing. Does Min want this? Maybe this is too weird for him, too-- everything when they just wanted to...when he just wanted to be with...)
There's a bright light so sudden that it's like a bolt of lightning, and in an instant they're two separate people again. Ryan doesn't fall backwards this time. He catches the edge of the sink, flushed with embarrassment that he's the one who made them fall apart this time. It's not even the kind of thing he would say out loud and he's pretty sure he didn't, but...there's no way Min-Gi didn't feel that.]
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They feel something deep in their heart, and Min-Gi knows all too well where that comes from. That's his emotion, and there's no way Ryan can't feel it too. His fears are only confirmed when there's a flash of light and suddenly he can see Ryan bracing himself on the sink.
He feels even emptier than he had last time they'd split. Not knowing what else do to he backs away slowly until he's pressed back against the wall. Everything feels faint and distant, and if he'd come to the door rather than the wall he knows there'd have been the temptation to run.
What can he say now? Should he even say anything? He looks embarrassed, and it takes a lot to embarrass Ryan. He has to know.]
Ryan, I...
[He reaches out, then drops his hand loosely back down to his side as he trails off. There's no explaining this away. No excuses he can make. He just has to wait and hope that Ryan understands.]
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--Sorry! Sorry, I made everything super weird for you. We don't have to do this! I don't want you to like-- I dunno, I don't want to make you uncomfortable or like, weirded out or-- I dunno! But I didn't mean to, and we can just...we can...
[They can't though, can they? They can't just pretend it didn't happen. Ryan rubs at his eyes under his glasses with his palms, trying to make whatever is threatening to happen there stop. He takes a deep, staggering breath.]
...Sorry. I'm good. I...I'm sorry I messed it up, made it weird. You don't need to deal with all that...shit.
["Shit" comes with the vaguest handwave, like he was looking for another word and settled on a curse. But fuck, Min like just came out! He shouldn't have to deal with his stupid unrequited crush of a million years.
His heart is pounding in his ears. How could he have possibly fucked up this badly?]
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Maybe there's something missing, something he didn't notice while they were still together? He can hardly dare to hope this is what it sounds like. Doesn't know if he's even ready for it to be what it sounds like.
Hesitantly, he steps forward. Just close enough he can touch him. This time when he reaches out he doesn't pull away. He puts a steadying hand on Ryan's arm, trying to put on a reassuring face while he makes sure they're actually talking about the same thing.]
Hey. It's okay. I... don't think you were the one who made it weird.
[He wants to be hopeful, but if they aren't on the same page here he knows he's setting himself up for a hurt he isn't ready for. Probably won't ever be ready for. Even as he tries to comfort Ryan he's still standing at almost a full arm's length, nervous at how Ryan might respond.]
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His attempt at comfort is so baffling though. It takes Ryan a moment to come down enough to fully switch gears.]
What're you talking about? It was definitely me! I'm the one that freaked out and yanked us apart, I'm the one who-- who got all in our head about like, everything! It was fine, and then I wrecked it with...feelings! Why would any of that have been you?!
[Ryan doesn't have even a shred of hope that it might have been a mutual feeling. If anything, now he's worried Min pulled apart over something else and now it's being made weird because he can't fucking win, can he?
He makes himself take a couple of steady breaths, to try and not freak out so much. He's making all of this worse, and he needs to stop it. In, and then out with a sigh.]
...Seriously man, it's not you. You didn't make it weird. Don't worry about it.
[This isn't going to work and he kind of knows it, but. He wouldn't be him if he didn't try.]
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And what if he's wrong...?
The thought lingers in the back of his mind, making him doubt himself even more than he does already.]
Are you sure? What I... we... felt before we split. I thought it was me. I thought that's what scared you.
[He's still scared, not able to actually say the words. Just hope that Ryan eventually catches on and confirms it for him one way or the other.]
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...What?
[Min thought that was him? Every time he tries to connect the dots they refuse to stick together. How could that be true? That's too good to be true. There still has to be some kind of misunderstanding here, but that...can't be.]
I wasn't scared of the feeling. I was scared it would scare you, so I...y'know. Pulled the ripcord, I guess?
[This doesn't feel real, but at least he's a little calmer now. It helps that Min doesn't actually seem scared. He's just there, and he's still there and hasn't run off.]
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It does scare me. Of course it scares me. I tried so hard not to...
[But this isn't about him. Or at least it's not just about him. He cuts himself off with a bittersweet laugh, edging closer to Ryan now that he isn't so angry.]
I don't know how to do this, Ryan. I just need you to know you didn't ruin anything.
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That has him near tears again, though he sniffles to try and force them back. Even if everything else feels surreal, Ryan believes him when he says that. Just knowing he didn't fuck this up beyond repair is such an immense comfort and relief. Min's still here, moving closer to him. He isn't weirded out or creeped out. He's just...here.
Ryan closes the rest of the gap and hugs Min close. They don't fuse in that exact moment; Ryan just holds on because he needs to more than words can explain.]
We're both talking about the same thing, right?
[Because they could go another twenty-one years without ever acknowledging it again because they couldn't spit the words out, and the thought of that scares Ryan a little too. He takes a deep breath and steels himself as though the answer could still somehow be bad, even though he's literally clinging to Min as he says it.]
About like. ...Being head over heels for you?
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He doesn't answer straight away, afraid to commit to the answer even after Ryan's said what they've both been edging around directly. After a long moment he nods, barely perceptible against the side of Ryan's head.]
What do we do? If we both have feelings for each other?
[It feels like a stupid question, and it probably is, but he's barely started letting himself acknowledge it might be okay if he's gay. This isn't a direction he'd ever allowed himself to dwell on.]
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I...don't know.
[He's never entertained the thought, not in any serious way. Any thoughts about it have been daydreams at best, quickly extinguished and buried.
Why is this so scary? This is everything he's ever secretly wanted, so why does it still feel the whole world could end if he makes one wrong move? There's excitement, but terror flowing underneath it. But...maybe it's like everything else. Maybe they have to just talk, even if it's hard.]
I never thought it would even happen? It feels too good to be true.
[He obviously isn't against it. In a lot of respects it seems like it's not even a problem at all, except for the fact that all of Ryan's previous relationships have ended in disaster. That's the absolute last thing he wants. Besides, Min seems like he might be scared too.]
...What about you? What do you want to do?
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[He pulls away just enough he can look at Ryan. It's harder to meet his eyes than it usually is, but it feels important for them to talk properly.]
I've never thought about dating. At least not... you know. [Guys.] It's not like I even knew anyone would like me. Especially not you.
[That still feels unbelievable. They've been friends their entire lives, but Min never suspected it. Now he knows his feelings are reciprocated his mind is reeling. In some ways he's more confused than he was before.]
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What?! Dude! You're so handsome! You should've had people like, all over you! Who wouldn't like you?!
[He's never loved anyone more than he's loved Min, and Min doesn't even think anyone would be interested. Ryan is stunned.]
Seriously, anyone would be lucky to be with you. I would be lucky to be with you!
[He was able to meet Min's eyes through all of that, up until the last moment. Too far? Might have been too far. Oops.]
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A little. If nothing else it renders Min speechless for a moment, unsure how to react to the outburst. The thought of having people all over him is not a comfortable one, but Ryan thinking he'd be lucky to be with him? His heart flutters, and he can feel the way the blood rushes to his cheeks leaving him a strange blotchy blue.
No one's ever called him handsome before, except his mom and maybe occasionally his grandparents. It hits very differently coming from Ryan.]
I-I don't know. I just thought... you know. Maybe I'm not the kind of guy that guys are into.
[Is that a bad thing to say? Probably, but for the most part that thought has always been more a relief than a disappointment. It was easier back when he was still trying to convince himself his only option was to somehow will himself to be straight. Even though he's out now, if only to Ryan, it still isn't something he'd wanted to think too much about. He's still working on feeling okay with himself feeling that way sometimes.]
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It doesn't work like that, man. Guys can be into lots of kinds of guys. It's not like...here's the one type of desirable dude.
[That much Ryan knows from experience. He's met guys that have preferences all over the place. It's just unfortunate that his one night stands expected him to be a particular kind of guy.]
Besides, you're definitely the kind of guy guys are into because like...honestly? I've been into you since like, middle school, man.
[Might as well throw that in there since it's all coming up now anyway.]
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[Does he though?
He's still too flustered to defend himself properly. Especially with the revelation that not only is Ryan into him, he has been since middle school. Min honestly can't say how long he's had feelings for Ryan for, but he knows he didn't figure it out until years after that. He'd spent so long confusing crushes for admiration he has no idea which was which when he tries to look back now.]
Middle school? How would you even know that? We were still kids then.
[It's a lot, and he can feel anxiety rising in him again. Logically he knows this should be a good thing, but it's so out of the blue he has no idea how he's supposed to process it all. He looks at Ryan pleadingly, clinging too him a little tighter.]
Can we sit down somewhere? Please?
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[Honestly, Ryan would love to sit anyway and if Min hadn't asked first he might have asked himself. The only snag is that they're in the bathroom, and with the overwhelming weight of all of their feelings, the living room feels too far away.
But, they're in the bathroom.
There's a bathtub.
And the grossest room at the party has historically been a good place to talk things out...
He looks from the tub, to Min, and then back to the tub again before shrugging and letting go so he can climb inside it - unless Min stops him.]
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It's nice. It helps even. He's already feeling a little better.
He sits right next to Ryan, reaching out so he can link their fingers together.]
Thank you.
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[It might not be the most comfortable place, but it's weirdly cozy and kind of nostalgic now. Even though they aren't really sure what they should do with this newfound revelation about themselves, they've still easily shifted into being able to link their fingers together in a way they've never let themselves before. Their hands fit together.]
But uh. Yeah. Since middle school...
[Ryan lets out a pressurized sigh. No one likes thinking about middle school.]
I dunno. I just...knew. I've known that I liked boys and girls for a long time, and it's not like people weren't starting to get crushes back then or anything. I lived through my sisters obsessing over boys when they were in middle school, so I don't think it's that weird?
[He remembers them being so annoying about it, but also he was like six or seven at the time so of course he thought they were.]
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[He could never wrap his head around it when people had talked about their crushes back then, but maybe Ryan's right. Just because he took a while to figure things out that doesn't mean everyone else did.]
I didn't figure out I was into you until after I realised I was gay, so... [He shrugs helplessly.] It took a while. I still don't know when it started. I guess when we were teenagers at some point?
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[Ryan gently bumps his shoulder against Min's, a signal that it isn't a bad thing at all. Sometimes Min just needs an extra minute. Ryan is a lot more cognizant of that now than he used to be.]
If it makes you feel any better, I don't know if there was an exact moment for me either? Mostly I remember realizing it and thinking "Oh no, I can't tell him EVER, he's SO STRAIGHT and he'll know I'm a creepy weirdo and never hang out with me again."
[He can even say it with a little bit of a laugh in his voice. It feels so stupid when he knows that Min eventually felt the same. Granted, he was really anxious about at least half of this literally ten minutes ago, but he seems to be feeling a little more secure about it now - enough to joke around a bit at least.]
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He's not wrong. He's acting like it's a joke, but even a few months ago the revelation would have sent him spiralling and they both know it.]
Honestly? It's probably better you didn't.
[He offers up a strained smile. He hadn't been ready before, and historically Min-Gi hasn't reacted well to things he hasn't been ready for. All too often Ryan's been the one to bear the brunt of that. He hates the thought there could have been something else that drove a wedge between them.]
I'm sorry you had to hide that stuff from me.
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But it's working out, slowly. They're talking, and that's usually better. ...Except when they were a couple of scared twelve year olds.]
It's alright. I mean...it was years ago now. And if things didn't happen the way they did, we wouldn't be here now, right? Sitting in a tub again...talking about our big gay crushes on each other...
[He isn't sure that's enough though. It's still kind of flippant, because his impulse is always to try and make Min laugh through uncomfortable things, but...Now that it's out of his mouth, he's less sure.
So, he squeezes Min's hand.]
I mean it. It's seriously not your fault. ...It was my call and I cared more about not losing you forever, so...that was that.
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[It makes it sound so trivial when it's something that sounds like it's tormented both of them for years. Mostly because of him, whether Ryan blames him for it or not.]
You wouldn't have lost me forever. [Or at least he hopes not, because that thought is unbearable.] Just... it would've taken me a while. I still don't know if I'm ready to actually be with someone.
[That's a confession that makes him almost as nervous as telling Ryan he had feelings for him in the first place. There's a part of him that wants to, but dating is just so far from anything he has experience with. No one else even knows he's gay. It feels unfair to keep Ryan pulled back in the closet with him when he's always so unapologetically himself.]
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The rest of it though, that steals the air right out of Ryan's lungs. Maybe this isn't the fairytale ending it was starting to feel like. Maybe they can both really like each other and Min still might not...want this.
(He supposes that makes sense. Min doesn't know much about it, but Ryan hasn't historically been a great boyfriend. Anyone would hesitate at starting something serious with him; he's sure of it.)
He's been quiet just a little too long and he can feel it in the air between them.]
Well.
[It feels so heavy in his throat, but he pushes forward anyway.]
...I'm here whenever you are? If you ever are, I mean. I-I don't want to make it sound like you have to be. Either way, I'm not going anywhere.
[Unless Min wants him to, of course, but he gets the impression that isn't the case. This revelation hurts, but it's a hurt he can live with. It's a hurt that was always under the surface anyway, when he thought Min was straight.]
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It isn't as bad as it could be when Ryan finally does reply, but the hurt still twists in his gut. He can hear the sadness in his voice, and he hates it. He hates knowing he's the one who upset him.]
I want to be! I'm just... scared. I've never dated a guy before. [There's a self-deprecating little huff.] I've never dated anyone.
[It would be so easy to mess it up, and while he feels like he would be safer with Ryan in some ways... there's so much more to lose.]
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I've never had something serious with a guy. And girls...it was always a disaster.
[With guys it was always a one night stand, and with girls it never lasted. They always got sick of him and left. And the last thing he wants is for Min to get sick of him and leave.
He finally lets go of Min's hand so he can reach up to put a hand on his shoulder.]
I get it though. It's scary, and you need time. It's-- fine. It's okay. Really. I mean...as long as you're cool with the fact that we did this all backwards and live together?
[The truth is, Ryan is a little scared too. Is something that was so normal suddenly going to be uncomfortable and weird? Ugh, he hopes not. And what happens if Min realizes he's a shitty partner and they wind up the way of Fleetwood Mac? Ryan isn't not worried about it, but he won't know if it's something to worry about unless they try.
He can wait though. He has to wait, or he'll lose Min by rushing him. He has to wait and it has to be okay.]
I'm here for you. And if that means waiting, then it means waiting.
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Thank you. You're a good... [Friend? Is that still the right thing to call him...? His smile becomes just a touch more tense.] Thanks.
[Things are going to change, but he doesn't think he minds that. Everything has changed so much the past few years of their lives, but even with everything they've been through things have been better in the times he's had Ryan by his side. This is a little different, but that feels like one thing that will be the same.]
I don't want to not live with you. Even if it is backwards. I don't want anything to change.
[Which is maybe unfair to ask, but if Ryan pulls away while he figures himself out he knows how miserable he'll be. Their closeness is important to him, and he doesn't want to lose that.]
Is that okay? Just for a little while?
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Yeah, man. No problem.
[Everything after that is a relief, almost. Their living situation isn't changing. Nothing about how they are right now is changing except for this looming knowledge they both have now of how they feel.
He would have understood too, if it did have to change. If he needed space without Ryan over here being so open about himself and crushing on him at the same time. Ryan knows he can be too much even under normal circumstances. But (maybe selfishly) he's glad that isn't the case. It's enough to give him a little hope that this might work out, at least for now.]
It's totally okay. Really. And you can talk to me too? It's not something you have to figure out alone.
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Now it feels different. Like they've both been making excuses to pretend they don't feel the way they do while still always being around each other.]
It's hard to talk about. I've spent so long hiding the way I feel it's strange to actually say it.
[The way he feels about men. About Ryan. How bad he feels every time his parents try to talk to him about girls.
Especially to someone who doesn't understand it. Ryan's sympathetic, but he doesn't get it. He can't.
Unless...
He turns to look at him again.]
What if I show you?
[This might be the one time Ryan can ever really experience his feelings the way Min does. There's nothing left to hide now, so why not?]
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But Ryan does. Even though his heart is full of so many things, good and bad, he wants that feeling of being intertwined with Min in the same body. He craves that warm feeling they had just moments ago, a feeling he could never have even imagined until today.]
I...guess it couldn't hurt, right?
[Ryan pushes himself upright and steps out of the tub, on the grounds that it would probably be pretty tough to sync together in there, but he turns around and offers Min a hand up.]
Well? C'mon. Show me.
[Light and airy like this is all nothing, like he isn't trying to swallow the dark pit of imagined reasons Min wouldn't want to do this again.]
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[Maybe. Terrified as Min is of dating Ryan, the possibility is exciting too.
He lets Ryan pull him up, for once not trying to ignore the butterflies he gets when he feels Ryan's weird guitar strength first hand.
He steps out of the tub, then moves in close to Ryan almost unthinkingly. He gives him an embarrassed smile as he hugs him, feeling a lot more nervous about the intimacy of it now the truth is out there.]
I still don't know how this works... Should we sing again?
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He's starting to think he gets how this works, sort of, but he isn't confident enough to say so outright. Maybe if it works this time he'll pitch a theory later. For now though, he just nods.]
Yeah! Yeah, let's sing.
[Ryan lets his eyes flutter shut for a moment, but then unexpectedly he chuckles.]
Wow, I totally don't remember where we left off in the other one. So...how about a classic?
[He breathes in deep, and then--]
♪ Hit rock bottom and you're acting tough
Find yourself never good enough
Must be nice, to feel as light as air~ ♪
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He's not sure what he expects when Ryan starts singing, but once he starts it makes sense to him. Sure they've written other songs, but what's more them? It's easy to jump in with the next verse.]
♪ Same routine day in and out
No idea what it's all about
Must be nice to live without a care ♪
[He's confident Ryan will join in for the next part, and his smile grows as he continues to sing.]
♪ Train to nowhere
Train to nowhere... ♪
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♪ Train to nowhere
At least you're there... ♪
[He pulls Min closer, close enough to breathe him in, and the barriers between them disappear in a flash of white light.
When it's over, they're one singular person again. One large, purple, Ryan-and-Min. The bathroom is only so big, so they immediately catch sight of themselves in the mirror again. For the most part they look the same, but there are a few more individual red and blue patches to their outfit, places that didn't meld together completely.]
Ha! We're getting pretty good at this!
[They pat themselves on the shoulder, clearly proud that they're adjusting to all of this, but then they consider their reflection in the mirror - as though it might feel more like a conversation if they do so. They place a hand on their chest.]
No idea how to do this, but...ready?
[There are a lot of swirling, uncertain parts inside of them, but they did say they would try this, so...here they are, trying, whether it's a good idea or not.]
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They aren't so sure of their plan now that it actually comes down to it though. They don't feel like Min anymore. Not completely. And they're not sure they can keep themself together if they try too hard to be him.]
Let's see...
[They look at themself in the mirror, then look away again. It feels easier to get distracted than it was before.
Maybe they can compromise. They've been together their whole lives. Ryan's seen so much of Min's life even if he's never lived it.
They think back to the times they've spent alone together, Min casting secretive glances at Ryan, knowing that he shouldn't. It had happened so many times over the years. Back in high school while Ryan showed off in recess. On the train until Kez inevitably interrupted. While they were supposed to be sleeping in some dingy motel room or the back of Ryan's van. Min had always felt a deep sense of longing, but had held back on fully acknowledging what it was.
They remember the times that Ryan had been allowed to stay over for dinner with the Parks. How Min's mother had beamed with pride when he'd clear away the plates without her asking, telling him what a good boy he was. How lucky his wife would be. They remember the excitement in her eyes for her son's future marriage, and the clawing dread of the inevitable. The guilt. How much Min-Gi wished he could live up to that, but already knew it was never going to make him happy.
Some memories creep in where he was alone. (Was their mind always this scattered?) Overheard comments on the street or in the diner. Not about him, of course. Min-Gi worked so hard to make sure no one would ever say things like that about him. They remember Min lying awake in the dead of night, willing his mind to change somehow. They remember reading the hated article. Almost sixteen and desperate to believe he wouldn't feel this way forever.
They can feel themselves at risk of breaking them apart again, so they stop, taking a steadying breath as they look back in the mirror. They aren't Min-Gi. Not completely. They reach inside, searching for the other part of them.]
I'm sorry. I know it's messed up.
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For every secretive glance Min cast Ryan's way, there's a different memory of Ryan doing the same. In middle school at the diner. Being wallflowers together at a school dance because slow dancing wasn't even a possibility. Here in the Pokémon world, curled up in a hammock together as if there was no where else they would rather be, when Ryan is sure Min is asleep.
They miss the Parks. They remember those dinners and they come with echoes of other feelings, of wanting to belong with them. Different from how Min-Gi wanted to please them, a longing for something that wasn't really his. There's a memory of drying dishes at the sink with Min, a secret pleasure in knowing where the plates and glasses go in his house. If Ryan had been a girl, maybe they would have said Ryan would be lucky, but then he shakes away the thought because it's not like two dudes can get married. An older memory echoes that sentiment and adds that it isn't like anyone would stick around long enough anyway.
For every comment they remember from Min, there's another waiting in line from Ryan. Some asshole in high school Ryan never bothered mentioning, name already forgotten. Ryan nursing a hot coffee and nothing else at some shitty gas station listening to someone with opinions that are a little too loud about a supposed "gay cancer", oblivious to him being there. A huge fight with a girl in his van about who he was or wasn't looking at, ripping apart his identity every step of the way until she demanded he let her out of the car. They remember intense rejection, and chucking a magazine in the garbage even though the important parts were all burned into their brain forever.
The biggest mistake Bowie ever made was being exactly like Ryan.
All of these swirl with Min-Gi's memories, not just intertwining but skipping like a scratched record from moment to moment. Their head is spinning, and they grip the side of the sink as they look in the mirror, searching for someone they can't quite see.]
I...we're okay. It's a lot, but...I'm a lot. We're a lot.
[First self-deprecating, then literally. They are literally two people; they are objectively going to be "a lot".]
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They frown, not liking to hear them talk about themself like that. They reach up to touch their arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze.]
We're fine. [Wait. That wasn't what they meant.] You're fine. You're better than fine.
[They don't like the things they picked up from the part they hadn't known. Some of it had been fine, but other memories... Others made them mad.]
You know there's nothing wrong with you, right? If people can't appreciate you for who you are they don't deserve to stick around.
[It's maybe a bit rich coming from him considering he's the one holding them back right now, but it feels important to say. Even if the sudden clarity of being Min threatens to break them apart again.]
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Those memories leave a negative fog inside them that lingers and obscures. If they try and feel for the separate parts that make them them, there's one that suddenly feels...wrong.
It feels far away.
This almost splits them apart. There's a flash of light and they can feel the pull, but before it happens completely they snap themselves back together like a rubber band, gasping like they just woke up from a nightmare.]
--We're fine. Yeah.
[Except, it doesn't make that pit of awful go away. There's no relief, nothing magic has been said that makes it all better. It's just there inside them, this gross self-hatred in their shared body.]
...Yeah.
[The whirlwind of memories has slowed, but now that they aren't hitting the breaks anymore some things are coming up again. Little flashes of people who didn't stick around or think he was worth much - girls, guys, family, people underpaying him at gigs. It all goes by dizzyingly fast, but it lands on a clear memory of one of his sisters - Nancy, age thirteen or so. She's telling someone a story they've since forgotten with time and Ryan keeps trying to chime in, but it just makes her angry and she snaps at him:
"Ugh, Ryan! Not everything has to be about you!"]
--Sorry. This is supposed to be for Min to show what it's like. What we...no. What he feels like.
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Suddenly fine feels more like an insult than the reassurance it was meant to be, and they find themselves at a loss for how to make it better.]
I didn't mean it like that...
[They hadn't, but their mind is full of Ryan's lack of self-worth and they hate it. They're wrong, but they want to understand how Ryan feels too. To truly understand it isn't always as easy for him as he makes it seem.]
It doesn't just have to be about him. It's about us.
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It's hard to unify enough into a thought, and if Ryan asserts himself too much they'll rip apart again. But...this helps. Holding hands helps. Thoughts flicker to all of the odd ways they've held hands over the years, because it doesn't count if you just hold the back of someone's hand, right? Even if you curl your fingers over theirs, it's still not holding hands.]
...I like being us.
[And it's true. There's a little bloom of warmth, even though the self loathing isn't fully gone. That would take so much more than one conversation, but they like how they feel when they're together this way.
At first they don't know what they could think about or where they could steer things from here, but thoughts and memories don't necessarily come preplanned. They just happen sometimes, and they drift to other moments like this.
Like when in a sentient castle, after Ryan told Min the train knew he was garbage as if it was a statement of fact that he had hidden all this time, Min still decided he wanted to play with him. He still sat with Ryan and gently explained it was just a bad thought and nothing more. Ryan's heart fluttering when Min refused to leave him behind. They can feel how warm his face was, and how happy he felt playing the silly song they wrote when they were six in the most bizarre situation they possibly could.
Ryan doesn't always like himself, and definitely doesn't always love himself, but he's loved Min-Gi so much. Being with him feels good. He feels like someone actually sees him and cares about him and wants to be with him.]
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I like being us too.
[They aren't sure exactly what they mean by that. Whether they mean being them together, or them apart. Maybe it's both.
It is nice to feel the warmth within themselves, knowing the part of them that's Ryan is feeling a little better. It's nice to feel how much they love the part of them that's Min, and how much he's actually helped.
Especially since Ryan has helped Min too. Without him they wouldn't exist. Min-Gi would be off at uni, studying something he hates and preparing himself for a life they know he'd hate. He hadn't always appreciated how pushy Ryan was, but once he understood what Min was scared of he'd supported him in ways he'd never known he needed.
They remember abandoning Ryan. The hurt of being left behind themself. They remember how lonely they'd been in Powell Lake, losing touch with even the friends that had stayed in town after graduation. Everything had felt so hollow after he'd gone. They remember how scared Min had been when they'd finally escaped the train and they did their first real performance, but Ryan had been there, making sure he knew everything would be okay. They think about how Ryan checks in with him on stage even now, subtle looks and gestures that don't seem like much from the outside but mean the world to Min-Gi.]
I don't know what's going to happen when this weekend's over, but no matter what, there's always going to be an us.
[Maybe not romantically just yet, but they can't imagine a life without each other. They understand that now more than ever.]
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The Chicken Choice Judy shirt had meant so much. It wasn't just a shirt, it was Min saying his idea was good and worthwhile, and giving him a tangible sign of that. It felt like a promise, even if it was immediately broken.
They recall that Ryan casually said it shrank in the wash, except now they recall Ryan parked outside of a laundromat and crying for almost an hour because he fucking shrank it because of course he did, of course he fucked up the last thing he had of Min's by doing his laundry wrong like a moron.
They take a deep, steadying breath. Things are better now. It's just-- a thought. An old thought. But everything did feel hollow when they were apart, Min's right about that. Everything was awful and wrong and they never want to feel alone like that again.
They remember wondering if Min was ready for that first show, and being so proud of him once it was over and done. They remember wondering now and then how much rushing is too much rushing, only to be proven by Min that they were really ready this time.
Min always looks so handsome on stage under all of the lights, but it isn't just from looks. Ryan glances to check in on him, and what he sees is that Min is happy. They want that more than anything else in the entire world.]
Always. Hm, what's that saying~?
[They pretend to think for a moment and then they grin into the mirror.]
You stuck with me, so now you're stuck with me!
[From famous philosopher Min-Gi Park, shortly after chucking his keys out the window of a castle.]
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They can be Chicken Choice Judy, and they can be Min-Gi and Ryan. They can succeed, and they can be happy. They still have a lot to lose if they ever make it home this time, but for now it doesn't seem so scary to let themselves be them.]
Always. But for now... we should make the most of it while we can be me, right?
[They won't be them in their current form for long, and that makes part of them sad. Even so, they're grateful. If it wasn't for them then the truth would still be hidden away for who knows how much longer. Maybe forever.]
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Yeah! Totally.
[They look down and flex their fingers - after all of this, they feel more in sync than they were before, less concerned with who is moving what.]
Hm...time to bug the cats, I think.
[Two thoughts, circling around each other - they probably need to show Strut and Vogue they aren't scary, but also Strut and Vogue's reactions are going to be very, very funny. Both can be true!]
Let's go be me!
Camping! Backdated to like the 19th ish
Essentially they had two options - they could bike from Celadon or take a very, very long hike from Lavender Town, and neither sounded that great. Fortunately a miracle (or a nightmare) occurred, shortly before the trip All Dressed evolved into an Espathra, meaning that Ryan would also have a ride pokemon to use, cutting the longer route by a third.
So far, it's been a pretty peaceful trip. The route is predictably not very populated, so they've had most of it to themselves, aside from a lone fisherman or two. For all intents and purposes, it's been a scenic route along the water.
They're a couple of days into the adventure now and they've found a spot that's almost picturesque - a small campsite (clearly used by others before them) just off the water, hidden from the main wooden dock path by forest. There's no signs about whether or not it's okay to swim there, but it's been ridiculously hot so the two of them set up camp a little early and spend the late afternoon swimming.
It's nothing they aren't used to. They grew up together. They've jumped in Powell Lake together. But...it feels different now, after their confessions. Ryan's kept things as normal as he possibly can, but swimming half naked with the love of your life is a lot different when they know that's how you feel. The school of luvdisc living in the swimming hole didn't really help matters.
Now it's evening, and they're casually putting off going to bed. Neither of them have mentioned that's what's happening, but it's almost certainly what's happening. Ryan's given up on trying to do anything productive with this time - he's in dry clothes, but he's still wandered off to the docks, dangling his bare feet in the water and looking up at the stars, lost in thought.
The route is so quiet that there's no hiding it when Min approaches and Ryan perks right up, and then waves a hand.]
Hey, man.
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Instead he tries to enjoy the weather (even if it's maybe a little warmer than he'd like), the scenery, and how nice it is for it to just be the two of them alone on the road.
At first swimming had seemed like a good idea, and it wasn't like they hadn't had fun. Both with each other and with their teams. Their Pokémon had enjoyed the chance to unwind and have fun in such a pretty, reclusive space. Doug, Killer Queen, and North had especially appreciated the water. Saffron had enjoyed soaking up the sun and a break from having to carry her trainer.
There had definitely been moments where Min had been a lot more aware of Ryan though. Was he looking at him or was he looking at him? Had he noticed Min-Gi's eyes straying to check him out? In some ways it felt like that should be more okay, but it made him nervous too. They both knew things were different between them, and they both knew which one of them was holding them back.
After settling down their Pokémon for the night it's down to just the two of them again, and tonight especially Min-Gi's nervous of that. He forces a smile as he joins Ryan by the water, kicking off his shoes and rolling up his pants to he can sit next to him with his feet in the water. His hair is still down from their afternoon swimming, but it's thankfully still short enough it isn't getting in his eyes yet.]
Hey. Good call with the swimming. It's like having our own private pool.
[Apart from the wild Pokémon. He could have done without the Luvdisc that seemed to keep grouping around them, but otherwise...]
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Things are definitely different. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in a way that is impossible to ignore. ...Except Ryan has to ignore it, because Min isn't ready. It's the ultimate test of not pushing Min too hard too soon, and Ryan is pretty sure he's failing.
There's no other choice though. It's this or nothing, and he needs Min so badly.
He smiles back with practiced ease, and pats the seat next to him on the dock. He'll always take the company. His hair's still a little wet from earlier, so it hangs down a bit longer than usual, and he swishes his feet back and forth in the water.]
Thanks! It's like, the perfect spot and there's nobody here. Our own secret swimming hole!
[Ryan is trying to look Min in the face, but his gaze keeps flicking up to his hair. It looks so good down and it's pretty rare for him to walk around with it that way. Min's hair is always good of course, but there's something really handsome about it being down. Something unkempt about it in a very particular way that makes Ryan's cheeks go pink.
Fuck. He has to stop looking at it.]
Y-You, uh! You can really see the stars too!
[A perfect out - he can look directly up and not at Min-Gi's handsome hair or his handsome face. Nailed it.]
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Yeah. We should come back here. It would be nice to stay out here a few days when we can fly or something.
[The big downside is that it takes a few days to get to the spot, but it's nice. Clearly not totally unused, but not so busy they couldn't get lucky and get it to themselves for a while.
That's not really the point now though. Ryan's talking about how perfect it is, but his head's clearly not in the conversation.]
You okay, man? You're acting... weird.
[So weird.]
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But then oh, no. He's been caught. He startles a little because he wasn't expecting Min to immediately call it out when they've been awkwardly dancing around each other all day, but it does get his attention back to him...not before shaking his head a little first though, as a reassurance and to force his head out of the gutter.]
Yeah, man! I'm fine!
[Except the boy who cried "I'm fine" suddenly realizes that means absolutely nothing after all the times he's done it when he wasn't.]
Really. It's not anything bad. I was just...I-I was thinking...y'know...
[That sentence could end so many ways, but ultimately Ryan blurts out the honest thought.]
...your hair looks really good like that.
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I didn't do anything with it.
[It's not even modesty. He's literally done nothing. He's not sure if that even feels like a compliment when he always spends time styling it so carefully. Is there any point if Ryan thinks it looks so much better like this?
But he can't deny he must be telling the truth. Even counting the moments over the day they've both pretended to ignore, this feels like the most flustered he's seen Ryan.]
Thank you...? I didn't see the point styling it by the time we were done swimming...
[He stares awkwardly into the water. It's too dark to see his reflection now, but it's not as though he doesn't know how his own hair looks. He doesn't get it.]
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No, no, I know you didn't. And it always looks really good styled! It just caught my attention, I guess? And then I was trying not to pay attention to it and make things weird and that made them even weirder and made it harder not to pay attention to it, and...yeah.
[Cool, he's babbling now. Fuck. Auuuugh. He reaches up with his free hand to stuck a strand of his own hair behind his ear.]
Sorry. ...It does look good though. Relaxed? I dunno how to put it.
[Which is definitely because he's still over thinking how he made things weird, but. He can't really undo that at this point, so the best thing is to probably assure Min that this is a good thing even if he wasn't trying to do something.]
It's like...it's a look that doesn't usually leave the house, so seeing it out in the woods before bedtime is, y'know. ...Wild.
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His hand closes around Ryan's after a stunned few moments. It's a deliberate action. One that feels right, but it takes him a beat longer to get there than usual.]
Thanks. I can't pull off relaxed like you, but... I'm glad you like it?
[It doesn't feel like something he's about to start doing regularly, but it's nice that Ryan likes it even if Min still can't understand the appeal. He groans at the bad joke though, nudging Ryan even as he can't stop himself laughing.]
Come on, man. I thought we were having a moment.
[Stupid as it is, it kind of makes it easier to acknowledge that though. It makes things feel less strange, even if he knows they still are.]
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Thankfully his bit cuts some of the growing tension. He bumps Min's shoulder right back, laughing right along with him like nothing has ever been weird. It's so normal and natural for them, for just a moment.]
We can still be having a moment! This is totally still moment material.
[He can joke in a moment, right? ...Actually, probably not. At least, not this much.]
Sorry, sorry. I'll be very serious for our moment, promise.
[A smile tugs at him though, because just saying that out loud is on the sillier side of things. Whoops.]
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He pulls his hand free of Ryan's, placing it in his lap alongside his other. He looks ahead rather than at Ryan. That's easier.]
What happens if we mess this up?
[That's his biggest fear. Far worse than his lack of dating experience, the thought of what other people will think, or the guilt that still worms its way to the surface despite his best efforts the past few months.
Min knows what it's like to lose Ryan, and he doesn't want to go through that again.]
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...I don't know.
[It's definitely not the answer Min wants, but it's the most honest one Ryan has. He looks down at his hands and sighs, stretching it out as long as he can.]
I mean, I know what I would want if it didn't work? I'd want to stay, obviously. Be the kind of exes that can still be friends. But, like...in every relationship I've ever been in, I was always the one who fucked everything up. I was always the one driving someone to a gas station because they couldn't stand me anymore or getting kicked out the next morning, so...
[He shrugs, as if that finishes the sentence for him. It doesn't, but it lets him sort of reset and try again.]
...not that I think you'd, you know. I've just sucked as a boyfriend every time and like, everyone has their limit of how much of someone's bullshit they can put up with. So...I don't know what would happen? But I want to try, if...you still do.
[Ryan hasn't looked at Min this entire time, but he chances it once that's all out. He has to know how Min is taking this, or if he's just digging his own grave here.
Min isn't the only one who's scared. Ryan's terrified of this failing, even though he's never wanted anything more in his entire life.]
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[It helps, in some ways, to not be the only one who feels uncertain about this. But mostly it sucks, hearing Ryan feel so bad about himself. He's sure Ryan wasnt the perfect boyfriend, knowing how messy they'd been before the train, but he's also sure that Ryan wasn't the only one at fault even if he hadn't been the one ending things.]
Of course I'd want you to stay. I don't ever want you out of my life. Not again.
I just... I don't know how to do this. Everything happened so quickly. I was just getting used to the idea of being more open about things, and then suddenly you knew everything.
I want to try, but it scares me. I don't even know that much about how straight people date each other, let alone what we're supposed to do.
[Ryan definitely isn't the one at risk of messing up here as far as Min's concerned. At least not badly enough to ruin their entire relationship.
He risks a look back at him glancing away when he sees Ryan looking as well.]
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It happened even quicker than I wanted it to. Do you know how hard that is to actually pull off?
[He says it lightly, both joking and sort of not joking at all. After all, he was the one who freaked out and panicked about Min finding out first, from sharing a body of all things. Something he literally never could have predicted. He had never planned on saying anything, and then suddenly it was out in the open.
It's still weird how the world didn't totally fall apart afterwards. Even if they're awkwardly figuring things out, they're still talking about it. They're still trying.]
Most of the time straight dating is like, a guy talks to a girl at a party and make her laugh a little until she decides she wants to head back with him or give him her number. And then maybe she sticks around for a few months, but then she learns what he's actually like and bails. Or, that's how it always happened to me.
[He shrugs, like it's not a big deal and something that didn't crush him every single time it happened despite not even liking them that much.
Min looks away again, but this time Ryan doesn't avert his gaze. He places a hand on Min's elbow, not wanting to invade his space too much but still feeling the need to reach out and touch to ground him. Maybe to ground both of them.]
How about this? Tell me...how you picture it. Don't think about how it's supposed to go. Just...tell me what you think about, when you think about getting together. And we'll go from there?
[Ryan gently bites at his lower lip, not sure if this approach is actually a good one or not. Is it pushing him too much, or just enough?]
I won't laugh. I promise. ...I want to help you figure it out.
[This time, there's no waver in his voice and he isn't holding back a giggling smile. He means it more than he's ever meant anything.]
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It does pull a smile from him though, remembering the way they'd burst apart in a panic, each thinking they'd been the only one to give their deepest secret away that would change everything.
But Ryan's explanation of what it's like to date girls... that makes something twist in his gut that he can't quite place. Anger? Jealousy? He isn't sure. Either way, he hates the idea that they couldn't appreciate all the good things about Ryan.]
I know what you're like, Ryan. If this doesn't work, even if I'm the one who bails... I don't think it's going to be your fault.
[He's still not at the point where being gay sits totally right with himself, which isn't ideal when they're putting serious thought into dating, but... neither one of them can forget the things they'd felt when they'd been one person. Things have changed, and it's become clear they need to address it.
Ryan's touch does help though, and Min-Gi leans into it as he considers his to answer it. He's not sure if it's right, or even if Ryan will agree with him, but he does know the way he's pictured a relationship between the two of them. Truthfully he's envisioned it countless times in so many different ways, especially recently, but there's only one that's felt truly right to him.]
I... don't think I want things to change.
[He looks back over at Ryan, bracing himself for disappointment.]
Like... I don't know. Maybe we'd kiss sometimes, but mostly we'd just be the same way we've always been. Is that weird?
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Dude, that's not weird at all. I mean...we're already closer than most people are. We kinda got a head start on a lot of what goes into a relationship, I think? So...that makes sense. What we have with kissing makes sense.
[He does neglect to add the "sometimes" that followed kissing, and he decides now isn't the time to bring up that he'd like to work their way up to fooling around someday. But what they have with kissing? That feels easy to do.]
So. If it's what we have but with kissing...do you want to try it? See if you like it?
[So casual. So nonchalant. Like their entire future isn't hanging on whether or not they like kissing each other. Like Ryan hasn't spent forever wishing he could kiss Min-Gi.]
I-I mean! That's probably a good bar, right? If you don't wind up being into it, we can just...keep doing what we already do, and maybe it'll be alright? Probably?
[And maybe, if Min-Gi doesn't wind up liking it, Ryan can be satisfied he got to kiss him even once.]
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Min-Gi forgets how to breathe for a minute, staring at Ryan with wide eyed terror. He's never kissed anyone before. What happens if Ryan thinks he's bad at it?
Or...
God.
Why is Ryan hinging it on whether he likes it? What happens if he doesn't? Are there people out there who just don't like kissing? Is that a thing that can happen? What are they supposed to do if he doesn't like it?
After a silence that stretches on for far too long, Min-Gi nods tentatively. There's only one way to know for sure, and putting it off isn't going to help him feel any less nervous.]
Yeah. If you want to.
[Totally cool. Totally casual. He edges a little closer to Ryan, trying to ignore how much it feels like his heart's about to explode.]
So what kind of kiss are we going for here...?
[This is so very, very not normal pre-kiss conversation, and even he's aware of that. He desperately doesn't want to screw this up by doing things wrong though.]
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He also knows perfectly well that Min-Gi has absolutely no idea what he's going for, but he doesn't seem to mind that either. He inches closer as well, pulling one leg out of the water and turning so they can face each other.
It is through sheer force of will that he doesn't chuckle at Min pretending to be more confident and calm about this. He promised he wouldn't laugh, and he won't, but it's very cute in the face of their first kiss.]
Shhh. I told you; I'm going to help you figure it out.
[Min-Gi doesn't have to pretend he knows what he's doing, because Ryan will gladly take the lead. Blindly, he reaches down to find one of Min's hands, so he can lace their fingers together. Their faces are already so close.]
Tilt your head a little? Opposite of me.
[Ryan shows him what to mirror, a slight tilt to the side so they won't bump noses. This puts them so close that Min will feel Ryan's words, warm against his lips.]
Follow my lead. Okay?
[Then, Ryan leans in and closes the gap between them. It's gentle, because he can't imagine a first kiss with Min-Gi not being gentle and soothing, especially when they've been so worried about everything. No tongues, no teeth - just the smallest amount of pressure and soft movement. Easy to mimic little things, like focusing his attention at Min's lower lip, and finding a simple rhythm to their motions.
But most importantly, it's slow. He takes his time with it, to gauge how Min reacts.]
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There are plenty of things Ryan can do better than him, but these days they usually stick to their strengths, letting the other pick up the slack in their weaker areas. It's strange to find himself in this position now. It's nice, but leaves him a little uncertain even if he knows Ryan isn't about to judge him.
He starts to mirror him before he's even told to, lifting one leg out of the water to face Ryan, and leaning in instinctively when he does.
He does glance around briefly, as though someone may have appeared to intrude on their private moment. There's no one there, of course. It's just as much their own quiet space as it has been the whole afternoon.
When their lips touch it's awkward and he doesn't know quite what to do, but Ryan is gentle and patient. It isn't too difficult to mimic him, and by the time they part he's almost relaxed.
Almost.
There's still a clear nervousness in his expression as he looks at Ryan to see his reaction.]
Did you like it...?
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When they part, Ryan is also almost relaxed. Kissing is soothing, but there's so much riding on this one that it's hard to stay in that space afterwards.]
Yeah! Yeah, I-- I never thought I'd even get to kiss you.
[He was always going to like it, because kissing just feels good. Ryan's always been a very tactile person though, so this probably isn't much of a surprise. Ryan talks about kissing Min-Gi like it's a privilege though, like it's something special to savor.]
What about you? Did you like it?
[It's so hard to keep his voice even, to not sound too desperate or too hopeful or too scared. Min will probably notice that Ryan squeezes his hand a little bit harder though, out of unspoken nervousness.]
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[Min sounds a little incredulous. He knows how Ryan feels about him. He'd felt it every bit as strongly as his own feelings for Ryan while they'd been one person. Unreal as it seems at times, there's no doubting how much Ryan cares about him. How much Ryan wants to be with him.
But the idea of getting to kiss Min-Gi? That doesn't seem like much of a privilege. He should know how to kiss someone by now, but instead it's something he's studiously avoided. Something he finds himself surprisingly regretful of now he's actually done it. He knows he wasn't ready before (and maybe he still isn't), but there's a part of him that mourns the lost years where he and Ryan had kept their feelings carefully hidden.]
I liked it. I thought maybe I'd feel bad about it, but... I don't.
[It's a relief, not to feel guilty. He's sure he will if he thinks too hard about his parents and the things he knows they want from him, but mostly he's just happy. Relieved to have once again let himself pass the point where he can go back and do the things he should instead of the things he wants.]
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[It was something that he'd never thought would have been a possibility even a few months ago. He didn't think it would ever happen outside of his wildest dreams, so it is incredible that he has this chance now - even if he's scared of ruining it.]
That's good. That's really good.
[Ryan raises his free hand up to cup Min's cheek, another thing he's secretly always wanted to do but could never justify. His jawline is so perfect, but that's just going to fluster him again if he says it out loud.]
I'm glad. It's not something you should have to feel bad about.
[Fuck everyone else. Ryan has wanted this more than words can say, and fuck their entire world for impressing on Min that it was ever not okay.]
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He freezes when Ryan's hand comes up to cup his face. They're both used to being very physical with each other, even in ways friends usually aren't if they're somewhere private enough, but this is new. Intimate in a way neither one of them has been brave enough to try until now. He's worried his reaction will make Ryan think he doesn't like it, but he's not sure how to fix that so he just stays as he is, hoping desperately that Ryan won't move away.]
We could do it again. If you want to.
[Then, just in case that gives Ryan the wrong impression:]
I want to.
[He didn't think he'd want to again this fast. He'd thought he'd need time before he felt ready to kiss him again, but even though he's still nervous it's like a dam has broken. He wants desperately to know what it's like to feel Ryan's lips on his own once again.]
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Me too.
[That's all he manages before leaning in again, kissing him with just a little more intensity. He's still keeping it simple, but he keeps his hand where it is for just a little more skin to skin contact.
Ryan could keep going for hours, already used to breathing through a kiss, but he's mindful of the fact that Min-Gi might need more air. Still, when their lips part he keeps their faces close. He finally moves his hand away, but tucks a stray strand of Min's hair behind his ear before pulling it back.
Maybe he should ask if that was still good, if this is still nice. However, a different question tumbles out of his mouth.]
Wanna try kissing me?
[Being the one to initiate it, he means. Min's had a figurative and literal taste, so maybe he'd like a chance to take the wheel.]
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His instincts are right though... Min hasn't quite mastered the art of breathing through kisses. He's mostly actually been holding his breath, so he's breathless when they part, and a little flushed.]
Kissing you?
[He almost looks confused by the question. It's a daunting prospect when everything he knows about kissing are things he's only just learned, but maybe Ryan wants him to take charge. Maybe that's what he's trying to build him up to.]
Yeah. Sure. It can't be that hard, right?
[Min-Gi smiles uncertainly, lifting his hand up to brush Ryan's cheek with his thumb. It's more reminiscent of the way his mom had swiped dirt from their faces when they'd been younger than anything romantic, but then he lets his palm settle, cupping Ryan's face much like he had Min's before.
The kiss is more calculated with Min in control. He's still feeling things out, trying to remember what had felt good when Ryan had kissed him. He doesn't push beyond what Ryan had done, keeping things simple and a little hesitant, though that's something he tries to mask.]
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But Min takes him up on it, and Ryan loves these little moments where he pushes past his own discomfort to try something new. Ryan knows him, and he knows it's brave of him.
Ryan leans into his touch, catlike, and lets Min try what he wants to. He's still an active participant, but he lets Min make the calls and follows his lead. In a lot of way it really feels like Min-Gi. Ryan kissed more intuitively, without a specific plan in mind, but Min-Gi is very deliberate in his movements. It's almost certainly because he's still learning, but someday he will know what he's doing and be able to find what feels good with pinpoint precision.
They part again soon enough, but Ryan is reluctant to pull too far away. He could stay within kissing range for the rest of his life.]
You're a really quick learner.
[There's a flush across Ryan's face that says this is the truth. He's doing well, and Ryan is very much enjoying himself.]
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Yeah?
[It's not disbelief, despite the question. He knows there's no chance this is the best kiss Ryan's ever had, but he also knows he isn't lying. He can tell Ryan's enjoying this, and that's nice.
Unlike Ryan, though, he's a little overwhelmed at this point. It's everything he always told himself he'd never have. Not in any way that would make him happy. Especially not with Ryan. He trusts Ryan more than he trusts himself, but it's hard not to feel like he's waiting for the other foot to drop even if he knows he's being irrational. He doesn't pull his hand from Ryan's, but he does lean back from kissing range, turning so he's facing the water again before glancing at Ryan from the corner of his eyes. That feels safer than looking at him directly right now. Even after talking he still doesn't fully know where they stand with each other. He thinks he does, but he needs to hear it from Ryan before he can be secure that's where they landed.]
So... We're boyfriends now?
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And if Min can be brave about it all, so can he. He can ask for what he needs. He smiles, a playful tilt to his voice.]
Maaaaybe we are. But.
[He nudges Min a couple of times with his foot. Min isn't looking directly at him, but Ryan is still looking at him as though he'll meet his eyes eventually.]
--only if you can ask me to my face. If we're boyfriends now, I mean.
[Ryan is trying hard to keep it light, but inside his heart is pounding. He's already berating himself for being a moron for not just jumping on something he's wanted forever, but...he needs to know Min can say it. He needs to know this is a relationship, and not just him moving into Min-Gi's closet.]
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It's hard, but if that's what Ryan wants, the least he can do is ask him again. Hopefully in whatever way he's actually looking for this time.]
Are we? Boyfriends?
[He gives Ryan's hand a squeeze, both to reassure himself this is okay and to show Ryan that despite any hesitation this is what he wants. It scares him, and even now he isn't sure he's ready, but he's wanted it for so long now and it's not an opportunity he can afford to throw away without even trying.]
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Yeah! We're boyfriends.
[They're boyfriends! They're boyfriends! It's all very exciting and new and Min-Gi can even look at him and not be ashamed to be with him. It's so much, but in the best possible way.
Ryan unlaces their fingers, but before there's time to even miss the contact he pulls Min into a tight hug. He doesn't want to totally overwhelm Min, but it does comes with the tiniest little kiss to the cheek - quiet proof that Min did exactly what he was hoping for.]
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His cheeks were already pink, but he only goes redder when he feels Ryan's lips on his cheek. It still doesn't feel quite real, but it's a gesture he could easily come to love.
He's more than happy to return the hug, pulling his feet out of the water so he can turn to hold him more fully.]
I love you.
[It's only something they'd started saying recently and briefly, but it's something he'd missed since they'd realised their true feelings. It makes Min nervous to say it again, without the pretense he only means it platonically, but it's a relief too. It makes him happy he doesn't have to hold back the truth from Ryan anymore.]
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[The answer is instant, an echo. All of the nervousness it's held every time Ryan's said it back, as though Min would see through it and instantly know it was more than platonic, is gone. They both know exactly where they stand in this moment, and they're both saying exactly what they mean.
I love you so much.
[He's never loved anyone the way he loves Min-Gi, in this way that makes his heart full to the point that it might burst. He's so happy that his words come out as a light little laugh, relieved to be able to just...be in love with Min-Gi, in a way that was never possible before.]
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There isn't that little pang of sadness, or guilt for being deceptive. He can just be happy, and let himself feel loved in a way he never thought was possible.]
We could go back to the tent? If you wanna practice kissing some more...
[Min's trying to sound casual, but he's full of nervous energy at the prospect of kissing again. Much as he's enjoyed it so far he knows has a lot of improving to do if he's going to match up to Ryan.]
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Sure, man. I'm always down for kissing practice.
[Not that he actually needs much practice, but he very much enjoys kissing Min-Gi, teaching him what feels good and learning what feels good to Min. Ryan could happily spend the rest of his life kissing him, over and over and over.
He doesn't kiss Min now though, not yet - Min did say he wanted to go back to the tent after all. So instead he pushes himself upright and stands, and then offer Min a hand so he can do the same.]
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Even so, he grabs his runners and lets Ryan bear the brunt of pulling him up. He's built up muscles of his own with all the time they've spent on the road, both here and back in their own world, but honestly? He kind of likes the reminder of how unexpectedly strong Ryan is, and now there's no reason to pretend he doesn't. Why shouldn't he get to take advantage of his boyfriend's guitar muscles?]
Thank you.
[He rewards him with a small kiss on the cheek, switching which hand he has in Ryan's so he can keep holding it on the way back to the tent.]
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He doesn't respond with words, but he laces their fingers together the moment he's able to and squeezes Min's hand. Together, they head back to the tent for even more make out practice.
And it's just as well - as they walk away, too focused on each other to notice, a couple of luvdisc leap out of the water in happy little excited arcs.]
Mail
Su cuy'gar, Min-Gi,
I hope this winter season finds you well and staying warm. Your ice Pokemon are enjoying it at least I'm certain. While holidays like Christmas are not something I celebrate back home in my own galaxy, I wanted to send you something to show my appreciation for your kindness. First is a traditional Mandalorian dessert that's called Uj'alayi. The recipe for which has been passed down in my family for many generations. I hope you and Ryan enjoy it. Secondly I've included a dragon fang that I thought might be useful for Beat or any other dragon pokemon you might have.
All this month I'll be traveling across Johto, so I don't expect our paths to cross again any time soon. So if I don't see you, I hope you and yours have an enjoyable holiday.
Ret'urcye mhi,
Bo-Katan