[Min watches him carefully, poking the straw into his own carton once he's satisfied Ryan has at the very least taken a small sip. He drinks slowly while he listens, waiting patiently for him to elaborate. He doesn't expect the full story right away, but he also doesn't want to push him until he's at least acknowledged something's wrong.]
Why would you think it would be worse?
[He knows Ryan's had bad gigs during his solo career, but it's not something he ever really talks about and it's not something Min's ever had much reason to bring up. Things have been going pretty well for them, and he'd thought that was good enough. He hadn't realised that was something that still bothered him.]
[It doesn't usually bother him much anymore. It's rare for Ryan to get worked up over a show, and they don't exactly play a lot of the kinds of gigs that would bother him. The whole situation is pretty outside their norm. Usually if he thinks about it, it's just out of gratefulness that that isn't his life anymore. That they're doing better for themselves, together.
He's never talked much about his bad gigs because he's never really needed to. The most he's ever said was that the tour went badly, not how or why. Some of it early on was admittedly fear - as though telling Min would psyche him out, or make him change his mind - but most of it is what it always is. Ryan keeping negative things to himself.]
Because...
[He hesitates, wavering on whether he really wants to share or not. But he pushes down the impulse that it's stupid and overdramatic, especially when the show went well. He's being actively weird and at this point not telling Min why feels more like hiding it and making him worry more.
So, he takes a deep breath and steels himself.]
...A lot of my gigs towards the end were barely even gigs? Stuff where I was just underpaid background noise. Like, you could have replaced me with a boom box and not a single person would have even noticed.
[It feels like a lot, but it's still not giving details. He's still working up to details, eventually. Maybe.]
I was...desperate, I guess. Taking literally whatever for enough gas money to get to the next place, when I still had Dad's van. [Another story he's only told the absolute barest minimum of. He gave it away, with no elaboration whatsoever.] And it sucked. And I...thought it was going to be like that. I guess.
[Min looks at him expectantly, wanting to know what's been bothering him but afraid to say anything in case it makes him retreat back into silence. More silence than there is already.
His frown deepens as he finally elaborates. It's hard to imagine Ryan not lighting up any room he plays in. He's always put so much passion into his music, and he's so talented. It hurts to hear just how little he'd been appreciated before he'd come home to try and convince Min to join him. He's known for a while now that things weren't good, but that doesn't stop his own misinformed words echoing in his mind.
"Everything's been so easy for you."
He already feels bad for how jealous he'd been of Ryan's seemingly effortless ability to do whatever he wanted, but hearing specifics makes the guilt twist extra hard in his gut. He'd been miserable, but at least he'd been comfortable.]
I had no idea it was like that. I guess... I thought...
[What had he thought? That Ryan was financially irresponsible? That he didn't know how to take care of himself? He's ashamed to realise those had been part of his assumptions. That, and maybe just that Ryan had missed him. Like Min's company is some magic fix all for all the problems he'd had on his last attempt. He should have asked more questions sooner.]
I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could tell me. I know it would have sucked of us not to play this show so last minute, but if something like this happens again... we don't have to do it. I don't care who it's for if playing it's going to make you unhappy.
[To be fair, those are legitimate thoughts about Ryan - or at least, they're things Ryan's thought about himself and expects other people to assume. Maybe he wouldn't have been struggling for gas money if he was more financially responsible. Maybe if he took better care of himself he wouldn't have crashed and burned so hard. Maybe if he'd just...been better, things would gone better.
He shakes his head.]
I mean, it's not like kids would've done it on purpose. And they didn't! It was pretty fun! It went fine, so it should be fine! It's just...I dunno. Feelings hangover? Is that a real thing?
[It's the best way he can think to describe it. Everything's fine but he still feels gross, for what he still thinks of as no discernable reason. Months ago he would have just pushed harder and tried even more aggressively to act like he's okay, doing anything he could to push through without actually addressing it.
Addressing it sucks. But...at least he's with Min. Ryan forces up a very small laugh, pulls one leg up in the chair and...tells Min a story.]
The last time I played a party, it was like...a big college house party. Like, the kind you see in movies. They just stuck in in a corner of a crowded room to play, and I don't think anyone looked at me all night. No one even clapped, man. I was basically a ghost.
[And for someone who craves attention and validation and the energy of others the way Ryan does, it was maybe the worst show of his life.]
Guess what they paid me? [A beat, for Min to guess. Whether or not he does, Ryan will give him the answer.] $30 and a case of beer. That's it. So like, this went so much better than that.
I'm glad you had fun. [Although he's still clearly concerned he isn't having fun now.] You were great out there. Some of the lyrics you switched up were really smart.
[He means it, but it feels especially important to boost Ryan's confidence now. He doesn't want him to feel brushed off, but he does want him to be proud of what they've done. They had a good show. It went well. Most importantly, they're together. Ryan doesn't need to go through his problems alone.]
It might be a real thing. Some stuff's hard to let go of, even when you know things are different now.
[He doesn't interrupt Ryan's college party story, even when he pauses. Mostly because he doesn't want to chance diverting him, but there's admittedly a part of him that just doesn't like being wrong, and he knows he will be. He knows Ryan's about to tell him something unthinkably low.
When he does let him in on the answer, Min bristles visibly beneath the hood of his costume.]
You shouldn't have taken that job. You're worth so much more than $30.
[He should know. He listened to the promo cassette Ryan had sent his family over and over. He learned every lyric and every note just to find some way to feel close to Ryan when they'd been so far apart. He can't imagine going to a party and hearing someone put so much heart into their music only to ignore them point blank. And to know they'd paid him so little on top of that...
[Getting praised not just for the show, but for quick decisions he made in the moment being smart, gets a real smile out of him. This is why it's different. He has someone with him who appreciates him, who appreciates what goes into putting on a show and knows the sort of things he gets insecure about in the first place.
As for whether or not he should have taken the job in the first place? He just...shrugs.]
At the time it was that job or no job. Arguing about it got me the beer on top of it, so like. I kind of tried? But, y'know. ...I was tired.
[Sometimes you just want it to be over with. Sometimes you just say fuck it and let someone pay you pennies and booze because you just want the night to end.]
Sooooo I took the $30 and the beer, went back to where Dad's van was parked for the night, and drank in the back of it until I passed out.
[He does very sarcastic jazz hands - or hand, since one is still holding a juice box.]
[It obvious to anyone that Min-Gi is very unhappy with the picture Ryan is painting for him. Mostly at the jackasses who thought it was okay to pay him in chump change and beer, but they aren't around and are unlikely to ever be. And it does piss him off that Ryan would treat himself that way.]
You can't do that, Ryan. What if something happened while you were on your own?
[It hadn't. Obviously. But it could have, and that scares Min. It leaves him with yet another thing to add to the list of the ways he'd let Ryan down.]
[That was a big share, so Ryan is sipping on his juice box and watching Min for a reaction. And...he doesn't know what he expected, but this wasn't really it. He at least manages to look appropriately sheepish.]
I kiiind of can, since I already did?
[He's joking, but he knows it won't land well. But nothing happened, and he can't really change what's already passed either.]
I know, I know. But I'm not on my own anymore, so...it's not even on the table anymore. Believe me, there's a lot of things I've done that you wouldn't let fly.
[That probably isn't as comforting as Ryan thinks it is, but he doesn't say it as though Min's some sort of killjoy. He doesn't do well alone, and he's grateful to have someone by his side. It's not like any of this was fun for Ryan to put himself through.]
[He's right. The joke does not land well. Luckily for Ryan he is very conscious they're at a party for a six year old. Serious discussion they can get away with tucked away from the rest of the party, but he can't let himself get annoyed enough to risk a full blown argument.
He shoots him a glare that quite clearly says he doesn't think he's funny, setting aside his juice to pick up his cake and moodily eat a forkful.]
That doesn't make me feel better. Do you think I like not knowing everything that went on with you while I was still back in Powell Lake? And now you're going to sit there and tell me it's worse than I thought already?
[Ryan looks struck. Even though he knew it wouldn't land, somehow he didn't think it would sting this much. Maybe some part of him did expect the last bit to be at least a little reassuring, but apparently it didn't soften the blow.]
Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just...
[Just what? Just thought Min assumed the worst of his solo tour on his own? That Min filled in the blanks and was just right about all the terrible parts? They've had this conversation and he knows that isn't where Min's head was at back then.
Fuck, he really put his foot in his mouth.]
I meant...I'm not alone anymore. I don't have to worry about it because you're here, and you'd never let things get, you know. Like...that. I meant that I'm glad you're with me.
[None of this answers for the gaps from while he was on the road, the pieces Min-Gi doesn't know about, but it at least captures the sentiment he actually wanted. It might not make it better, but. It's a start.]
[That does soften him up a little. He doesn't expect Ryan to suddenly open up and tell him everything, especially not here, but he appreciates the reframing. He already knew that wasn't how Ryan had meant it, but he doesn't like to perpetually be seen as the stick in the mud even if sometimes (a lot of the time...) he is.]
Thanks. I'm glad too.
[He still sounds worried, but Ryan's opened up about the immediate problem. He can only hope that with time Ryan will start to trust he can handle it enough to share more. For now... for now it feels like it's probably better not to press.]
You should try the cake. It's good.
[It probably feels like it's out of nowhere, but it's a safer subject. One different enough to let Ryan know he doesn't mind switching topics, even to something that doesn't require much thought.
It's also a gentle nudge to try and get Ryan to actually eat something. He won't force him if he doesn't feel up to it, but he'd be happier if he did.]
[It's true. Ryan's a bit more okay with blurting out things that shouldn't be said in public, but there's only so much they can talk about dressed up as fire chickens at a children's birthday party, even if they're in their own little corner.
He's grateful for the subject change and the chance to move on, though the thought of eating still doesn't feel great.]
Yeah? It looked pretty good.
[He'll at least go through the motion of picking up the plate and oh-- right. He already cut a bunch of pieces off of it earlier. Weirdly that makes dealing with it kind of easier, even if he feels like a five year old having to be coaxed into eating.
Either way, he does at least take a bite. Past Ryan did make it as easy as he possibly could have, after all. But instead of commenting on how it tastes, he gets a thoughtful look.]
So...is it like, cannibalism for us to be eating cake shaped like a torchic's face, or...?
[Min nods approvingly as Ryan takes a bite. He probably doesn't even realise he's doing it, yet alone clock onto how much like his mother he's being. He is still watching expectantly, patiently waiting for Ryan to eat another of those little pieces.
He does laugh slightly at Ryan's train of thought, apparently not concerned enough about the possibility of cannibalism to be put off eating more cake.]
No? I mean... Not unless it's cannibalism for people to eat cakes shaped like people.
I dunno, man. I haven't really eaten a ton of people-shaped cakes, so who knows? Maybe?
[He's joking around, but he does take another bite - evidently he brought it up more for a laugh than anything else, because it isn't actually keeping him from eating it.
He manages three whole pre-cut bites before he sets his fork down, which is frankly good progress for him. Min's seen him go a couple days without food before, even when they weren't guaranteed food in every train car. This time though, he stops because he has one more thing he wants to say. They can't deep dive into anything in the middle of a birthday party, but...there's one more thing he should probably say while he's thinking about it, before it slips forgotten through his fingers or gets weird to bring up out of context.]
Thanks, by the way.
[For listening. For letting Ryan talk about it without judging too hard. Things have been better between them, so really there's no question he would have.]
A lot of the time I'm not...like, I suck at bringing this stuff up? I'm not trying to like hide it, it's just...a lot. And weird to just share out of nowhere? Like I'm not gonna sit at the dinner table and go "Hey Min-Gi, wanna hear about one of the worst gigs ever for no reason?". Then sometimes when it could come up...I dunno?
[He's stumbling over the point, so he decides to just leap straight to the end of the thing he wanted say in the first place.]
But I trust you. So like, if you're ever wondering about something or want to ask me stuff? You totally can. Anytime. Seriously. It's okay.
[He doesn't want it weighing on Min just because he can't always start a conversation about these things, or avoids it when the opportunity to bring it up happens organically.]
[That gets his attention again. He'd been more or less content to let things sit as they were for the moment, but it's nice to know Ryan is open to talking about this kind of stuff. Whether or not he'll find it any easier to bring up is another matter, but the door is open for it. That might help the next time he does have questions. If nothing else it helps relieve the part of his mind that insist Ryan still has secrets he's keeping from him. Has things that he thinks he needs to hide.
He's grateful, even if now isn't the right time to take him up on that.]
Thank you.
[There's a beat. Min-Gi stares resolutely at the plate of cake in his hands, carefully considering his next words.]
I know sometimes it seems like I'm being a buzzkill, but... I'm not trying to be. That's not who I want to be. I just worry. That doesn't mean I want you to feel like you have to keep this kind of stuff from me. If it's something that bothers you, you don't have to wait for it to come up.
[Not that Ryan is generally the type to need to wait for something to come up most of the time. Usually he says whatever comes to mind whether it's relevant or not. It's different with emotional stuff, though. He can understand that. He struggles to talk about more personal things himself, so it's not like he can blame Ryan for the same thing.]
You're not being a buzzkill about stuff like this. You just care, and...that means a lot, man.
[Ryan has gone through his life without that, and it sucks. He's not used to someone caring about his emotional baggage and actually worrying about it, but it's weirdly nice? It's nice to have someone care that much. It makes his heart swell.]
And that's the thing! It sounds like a huge big deal and like, yeah, it was at the time, but...I really don't think about that shitty tour as much anymore. Why would I? I've got our awesome amazing tour now! And now our side tour in this pokémon place! I love being on tour with you!
[He's been so excited ever since they were gifted instruments here. Sometimes it feels like it's all he can talk about.]
It's a totally different experience. Day and night. But it means old tour stuff's not usually bothering me before it comes up. And then it comes up and suddenly we've got a weird birthday show and I have to try and be normal in front of the guy offering to pay us a bunch of money and-- you know. I hadn't thought about it in a while before that. It basically punched me in the face out of nowhere.
Of course I care. You're my best friend. I'm always gonna care about you.
[And even though he still misses the mark sometimes, he's getting a lot better at knowing when something isn't quite right with Ryan, or if a situation is going to be bad for him. He has a lot more power to do something about it now they're adults too. His mom isn't going to send Ryan off back home because it's time for Min-Gi to have his viola lesson, or do homework, or because he needs to speak to grandparents he can barely understand because that's the only time that works with the time difference and Min's carefully constructed schedule. He can be there for him anytime. He would be even if they didn't spend almost every waking moment together already.]
I... don't think we need to worry about the money next time. If there is a next time. I don't think we're going to stay as popular as this, or even how we got this popular after, like, one show... but I think we'll be okay. We can afford to be picky if a show's going to bring up bad stuff for you.
[He's sort of glad they did do this one. It wasn't really his thing. He didn't really get other kids back when he was a kid, and he sure doesn't now. But it wasn't bad, and he would have felt very guilty for ruining a six year old's party even if it was for Ryan's sake.
Something else though? He doesn't mind passing it up if that's better for Ryan. God knows he's had to help Min through show related anxieties enough times. It's only fair he returns the favour now and then.]
[Ryan smiles softly, and he leans to gently bump his shoulder against Min's. He doesn't have the words, but it's nice to have someone in his corner like this. In darker moments he worries about fucking up and losing Min-Gi in the process, but Min won't. Having the assurance that Min will always care and that he isn't going anywhere always feels so good. It's one of the single best things Min can do for him.]
Yeah. ...Yeah, you're right. Or at least we should ask more questions up front like, "Hey, is this going to actually going to be a kid's party?".
[He says it like a joke, but he's not entirely joking - they have definitely learned a lesson here the hard way. He can almost hear their metaphorical number wooshing downward.
Weirdly, he's kind of glad they took this gig too. Not because they would have disappointed a kid on his birthday (though he didn't want to do that either) but because they literally might not have had this conversation otherwise. Who knows when it might have come up again?]
But yeah, we don't have to be desperate. [He doesn't have to be desperate anymore, or put himself back in that weird headspace about it.] Especially since we can skate on this weird fifteen seconds of fame for a bit, and it's not like it's even the only source of income we've got.
[He doesn't say what the other one is, because it's entirely Min-Gi's and also not something to bring up at a children's party. But saying they have more than one income source isn't enough of a red flag on its own.]
[Min returns the smile, reassured to see Ryan looking a little happier now. He seems less tense now he's less concerned, though of course he hasn't forgotten how much this had messed with Ryan's head. He actually does intend to ask more questions about the shows they're offered from now on. Had done even before Ryan made a joke about it.]
Maybe not quite like that, but we should definitely ask more questions. We should probably have for this one too, but who offers that much for a kid's party?
[The dad must be really well off to justify all this, and the way he'd been talking about it it had definitely sounded like a legitimate show. Nothing he'd said had raised any concerns for either of them until they showed up.
Min-Gi glances around nervously at the mention of his other source of income, but he knows logically no one would guess what it was. No one so much as glances at them until he looks around, and even then it's only one of the other parents raising a mild eyebrow before going back to their own conversation.]
Yeah. Plus it's not like I couldn't pick up other work. ['Other work' being hospitality jobs he hates, but at least he's not tied into those.] And I could probably challenge some of the weaker gyms if we got really desperate.
[Not that he thinks they will, but he always feels better with a back up plan.]
[Not that they can really complain, after getting paid a stupid amount for the show. But Ryan can't picture his family shelling out that much for a birthday party. A better bar is that he can't picture Min-Gi's family shelling out that much for a birthday party either. It's super not normal, and yet here they are.
He pops another bite of cake into his mouth and then points his fork at Min accusatorily.]
I think you mean "we". "We" could pick up work and challenge gyms. You don't have to take that on alone if it comes down to something like that.
[Sure, he doesn't have a ton of experience, but he's not going to just sit around and do nothing while Min struggles to make ends meet. Let him help!]
[They can agree on that much. They shouldn't complain since they're the ones reaping the benefits, but it's super weird.
He hesitates before he says anything else. He's not sure how to avoid sounding rude here, but...]
What jobs would you do? [Oof, no. That sounds bad.] Not that you couldn't! But... you don't exactly have the same experience I do. And like... I don't think I could beat Lieutenant Surge yet, so gyms are probably still out for a little bit.
[Explaining his concerns is probably not helping here.]
[It's really not. Ryan can't help making a face at that response.]
I don't know? I'd figure something out. Besides, you said yourself that people hire people for short term stuff all the time around so...I'd see what was around, I guess?
[He's not sure why this particular point has him so weirdly defensive. Min's right that he doesn't have a lot of traditional experience, but he's also never tried to get a job like that before - as evidenced by the story about his desperate $30 gig.]
I'd figure something out, okay? What else am I supposed to do, sit around all day while you go do like three or four different things for money? I'm not doing that, Min. We're in this together.
[Min looks suitably ashamed even just at the face he makes. He knows he shouldn't have questioned it. He should have just been appreciative that Ryan would try when it's not like either of them want to do anything besides make music together. It's not Ryan's fault Min ended up caving to his parents insistence it would be a good idea to apply for a reliable job if he wasn't going to university until the following year. It's not Ryan's fault Min got conscripted into the Poké Mob. It's not Ryan's fault he didn't get pulled here until two months after he did so his teams aren't quite the levels Min's are.
None of that's Ryan's fault, but of course he still wants to contribute even if Chicken Choice Judy isn't pulling in the money they need it to. It doesn't even seem like they'll have to rely on other means in the near future, which just makes having pushed him on it even stupider.]
I know. I'm sorry. I guess I keep thinking it's my responsibility since I've been here longer. I was really freaked out until you finally got here. I picked up a couple of jobs because I needed the money, but that was tough. It felt so normal when everything was weird, and not in a good way. Not like the bathroom. Like I was just stuck again doing whatever other people wanted, and I didn't even get a say.
[He chances a look back over at him, hoping Ryan's not as annoyed.]
I don't want that for you before you've had chance to settle in. I forget you don't need as much time as I do before something new stops being scary for you.
[It's hard to stay annoyed as he listens to Min speak. He can't relate to Min's specific problems, not really. He's never worked in a diner, or been pressured to go into a career he didn't want. He's never had family that would push him as hard as Min's. They never expected him to go to college. Ryan, for better or worse, has always done whatever he wants.
But for once? He can actually see a bigger picture. Maybe it's only because it's been on his mind today, but...the problem, at its core, is kind of the same as his.]
...You were back in that space again.
[Something happened, and then it was like Min never left Dumpty's. It was like Ryan was still on that shitty tour. Something happened and they both slid right back into old habits and worries they thought they'd outgrown.
Ryan sets his hand on Min's shoulder, trying to say more with a gesture than he ever could with words.]
We're not going to get stuck. If it ever does come to something like that? Totally temporary. Just long enough to get us back on our feet. And you'll always, always have a say with me.
[Even if they don't always agree, the last thing Ryan wants is for Min to just go through the motions for his sake.]
And like...I know I've sucked at it before, but. I can take some of that responsibility. Just because you have experience doesn't mean it's good for you. If one day you're like "Dude, I can't even look at another diner without wanting to hurl," I'll get something extra until we figure something else out.
[He gives Min's shoulder a gentle squeeze. He's right here.]
I meant it. We're in this together. Don't take all of it on by yourself, Min.
[There's been many times where they just don't understand each other. Close as they are, they're two different people with very different perspectives on life. But sometimes something connects, and they understand each other perfectly. He knows from Ryan's voice this is one of those moments. He doesn't need the hand on his shoulder to understand they're on the same wavelength, though the warmth of it is pleasantly reassuring and does get a smile out of him.]
I know. So do you. I'm just... I'm used to being the responsible one. Not even just with you. In everything. I know you don't expect me to take on everything, but sometimes it's hard for me to let go of that.
I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't trust you to help if we need it. No one's ever had my back like you do.
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no subject
Why would you think it would be worse?
[He knows Ryan's had bad gigs during his solo career, but it's not something he ever really talks about and it's not something Min's ever had much reason to bring up. Things have been going pretty well for them, and he'd thought that was good enough. He hadn't realised that was something that still bothered him.]
no subject
He's never talked much about his bad gigs because he's never really needed to. The most he's ever said was that the tour went badly, not how or why. Some of it early on was admittedly fear - as though telling Min would psyche him out, or make him change his mind - but most of it is what it always is. Ryan keeping negative things to himself.]
Because...
[He hesitates, wavering on whether he really wants to share or not. But he pushes down the impulse that it's stupid and overdramatic, especially when the show went well. He's being actively weird and at this point not telling Min why feels more like hiding it and making him worry more.
So, he takes a deep breath and steels himself.]
...A lot of my gigs towards the end were barely even gigs? Stuff where I was just underpaid background noise. Like, you could have replaced me with a boom box and not a single person would have even noticed.
[It feels like a lot, but it's still not giving details. He's still working up to details, eventually. Maybe.]
I was...desperate, I guess. Taking literally whatever for enough gas money to get to the next place, when I still had Dad's van. [Another story he's only told the absolute barest minimum of. He gave it away, with no elaboration whatsoever.] And it sucked. And I...thought it was going to be like that. I guess.
no subject
His frown deepens as he finally elaborates. It's hard to imagine Ryan not lighting up any room he plays in. He's always put so much passion into his music, and he's so talented. It hurts to hear just how little he'd been appreciated before he'd come home to try and convince Min to join him. He's known for a while now that things weren't good, but that doesn't stop his own misinformed words echoing in his mind.
"Everything's been so easy for you."
He already feels bad for how jealous he'd been of Ryan's seemingly effortless ability to do whatever he wanted, but hearing specifics makes the guilt twist extra hard in his gut. He'd been miserable, but at least he'd been comfortable.]
I had no idea it was like that. I guess... I thought...
[What had he thought? That Ryan was financially irresponsible? That he didn't know how to take care of himself? He's ashamed to realise those had been part of his assumptions. That, and maybe just that Ryan had missed him. Like Min's company is some magic fix all for all the problems he'd had on his last attempt. He should have asked more questions sooner.]
I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could tell me. I know it would have sucked of us not to play this show so last minute, but if something like this happens again... we don't have to do it. I don't care who it's for if playing it's going to make you unhappy.
no subject
He shakes his head.]
I mean, it's not like kids would've done it on purpose. And they didn't! It was pretty fun! It went fine, so it should be fine! It's just...I dunno. Feelings hangover? Is that a real thing?
[It's the best way he can think to describe it. Everything's fine but he still feels gross, for what he still thinks of as no discernable reason. Months ago he would have just pushed harder and tried even more aggressively to act like he's okay, doing anything he could to push through without actually addressing it.
Addressing it sucks. But...at least he's with Min. Ryan forces up a very small laugh, pulls one leg up in the chair and...tells Min a story.]
The last time I played a party, it was like...a big college house party. Like, the kind you see in movies. They just stuck in in a corner of a crowded room to play, and I don't think anyone looked at me all night. No one even clapped, man. I was basically a ghost.
[And for someone who craves attention and validation and the energy of others the way Ryan does, it was maybe the worst show of his life.]
Guess what they paid me? [A beat, for Min to guess. Whether or not he does, Ryan will give him the answer.] $30 and a case of beer. That's it. So like, this went so much better than that.
no subject
[He means it, but it feels especially important to boost Ryan's confidence now. He doesn't want him to feel brushed off, but he does want him to be proud of what they've done. They had a good show. It went well. Most importantly, they're together. Ryan doesn't need to go through his problems alone.]
It might be a real thing. Some stuff's hard to let go of, even when you know things are different now.
[He doesn't interrupt Ryan's college party story, even when he pauses. Mostly because he doesn't want to chance diverting him, but there's admittedly a part of him that just doesn't like being wrong, and he knows he will be. He knows Ryan's about to tell him something unthinkably low.
When he does let him in on the answer, Min bristles visibly beneath the hood of his costume.]
You shouldn't have taken that job. You're worth so much more than $30.
[He should know. He listened to the promo cassette Ryan had sent his family over and over. He learned every lyric and every note just to find some way to feel close to Ryan when they'd been so far apart. He can't imagine going to a party and hearing someone put so much heart into their music only to ignore them point blank. And to know they'd paid him so little on top of that...
It makes him angry.]
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As for whether or not he should have taken the job in the first place? He just...shrugs.]
At the time it was that job or no job. Arguing about it got me the beer on top of it, so like. I kind of tried? But, y'know. ...I was tired.
[Sometimes you just want it to be over with. Sometimes you just say fuck it and let someone pay you pennies and booze because you just want the night to end.]
Sooooo I took the $30 and the beer, went back to where Dad's van was parked for the night, and drank in the back of it until I passed out.
[He does very sarcastic jazz hands - or hand, since one is still holding a juice box.]
The glamorous solo life at its finest...!
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You can't do that, Ryan. What if something happened while you were on your own?
[It hadn't. Obviously. But it could have, and that scares Min. It leaves him with yet another thing to add to the list of the ways he'd let Ryan down.]
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I kiiind of can, since I already did?
[He's joking, but he knows it won't land well. But nothing happened, and he can't really change what's already passed either.]
I know, I know. But I'm not on my own anymore, so...it's not even on the table anymore. Believe me, there's a lot of things I've done that you wouldn't let fly.
[That probably isn't as comforting as Ryan thinks it is, but he doesn't say it as though Min's some sort of killjoy. He doesn't do well alone, and he's grateful to have someone by his side. It's not like any of this was fun for Ryan to put himself through.]
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He shoots him a glare that quite clearly says he doesn't think he's funny, setting aside his juice to pick up his cake and moodily eat a forkful.]
That doesn't make me feel better. Do you think I like not knowing everything that went on with you while I was still back in Powell Lake? And now you're going to sit there and tell me it's worse than I thought already?
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Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just...
[Just what? Just thought Min assumed the worst of his solo tour on his own? That Min filled in the blanks and was just right about all the terrible parts? They've had this conversation and he knows that isn't where Min's head was at back then.
Fuck, he really put his foot in his mouth.]
I meant...I'm not alone anymore. I don't have to worry about it because you're here, and you'd never let things get, you know. Like...that. I meant that I'm glad you're with me.
[None of this answers for the gaps from while he was on the road, the pieces Min-Gi doesn't know about, but it at least captures the sentiment he actually wanted. It might not make it better, but. It's a start.]
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Thanks. I'm glad too.
[He still sounds worried, but Ryan's opened up about the immediate problem. He can only hope that with time Ryan will start to trust he can handle it enough to share more. For now... for now it feels like it's probably better not to press.]
You should try the cake. It's good.
[It probably feels like it's out of nowhere, but it's a safer subject. One different enough to let Ryan know he doesn't mind switching topics, even to something that doesn't require much thought.
It's also a gentle nudge to try and get Ryan to actually eat something. He won't force him if he doesn't feel up to it, but he'd be happier if he did.]
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He's grateful for the subject change and the chance to move on, though the thought of eating still doesn't feel great.]
Yeah? It looked pretty good.
[He'll at least go through the motion of picking up the plate and oh-- right. He already cut a bunch of pieces off of it earlier. Weirdly that makes dealing with it kind of easier, even if he feels like a five year old having to be coaxed into eating.
Either way, he does at least take a bite. Past Ryan did make it as easy as he possibly could have, after all. But instead of commenting on how it tastes, he gets a thoughtful look.]
So...is it like, cannibalism for us to be eating cake shaped like a torchic's face, or...?
[Important questions.]
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He does laugh slightly at Ryan's train of thought, apparently not concerned enough about the possibility of cannibalism to be put off eating more cake.]
No? I mean... Not unless it's cannibalism for people to eat cakes shaped like people.
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[He's joking around, but he does take another bite - evidently he brought it up more for a laugh than anything else, because it isn't actually keeping him from eating it.
He manages three whole pre-cut bites before he sets his fork down, which is frankly good progress for him. Min's seen him go a couple days without food before, even when they weren't guaranteed food in every train car. This time though, he stops because he has one more thing he wants to say. They can't deep dive into anything in the middle of a birthday party, but...there's one more thing he should probably say while he's thinking about it, before it slips forgotten through his fingers or gets weird to bring up out of context.]
Thanks, by the way.
[For listening. For letting Ryan talk about it without judging too hard. Things have been better between them, so really there's no question he would have.]
A lot of the time I'm not...like, I suck at bringing this stuff up? I'm not trying to like hide it, it's just...a lot. And weird to just share out of nowhere? Like I'm not gonna sit at the dinner table and go "Hey Min-Gi, wanna hear about one of the worst gigs ever for no reason?". Then sometimes when it could come up...I dunno?
[He's stumbling over the point, so he decides to just leap straight to the end of the thing he wanted say in the first place.]
But I trust you. So like, if you're ever wondering about something or want to ask me stuff? You totally can. Anytime. Seriously. It's okay.
[He doesn't want it weighing on Min just because he can't always start a conversation about these things, or avoids it when the opportunity to bring it up happens organically.]
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He's grateful, even if now isn't the right time to take him up on that.]
Thank you.
[There's a beat. Min-Gi stares resolutely at the plate of cake in his hands, carefully considering his next words.]
I know sometimes it seems like I'm being a buzzkill, but... I'm not trying to be. That's not who I want to be. I just worry. That doesn't mean I want you to feel like you have to keep this kind of stuff from me. If it's something that bothers you, you don't have to wait for it to come up.
[Not that Ryan is generally the type to need to wait for something to come up most of the time. Usually he says whatever comes to mind whether it's relevant or not. It's different with emotional stuff, though. He can understand that. He struggles to talk about more personal things himself, so it's not like he can blame Ryan for the same thing.]
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[Ryan has gone through his life without that, and it sucks. He's not used to someone caring about his emotional baggage and actually worrying about it, but it's weirdly nice? It's nice to have someone care that much. It makes his heart swell.]
And that's the thing! It sounds like a huge big deal and like, yeah, it was at the time, but...I really don't think about that shitty tour as much anymore. Why would I? I've got our awesome amazing tour now! And now our side tour in this pokémon place! I love being on tour with you!
[He's been so excited ever since they were gifted instruments here. Sometimes it feels like it's all he can talk about.]
It's a totally different experience. Day and night. But it means old tour stuff's not usually bothering me before it comes up. And then it comes up and suddenly we've got a weird birthday show and I have to try and be normal in front of the guy offering to pay us a bunch of money and-- you know. I hadn't thought about it in a while before that. It basically punched me in the face out of nowhere.
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[And even though he still misses the mark sometimes, he's getting a lot better at knowing when something isn't quite right with Ryan, or if a situation is going to be bad for him. He has a lot more power to do something about it now they're adults too. His mom isn't going to send Ryan off back home because it's time for Min-Gi to have his viola lesson, or do homework, or because he needs to speak to grandparents he can barely understand because that's the only time that works with the time difference and Min's carefully constructed schedule. He can be there for him anytime. He would be even if they didn't spend almost every waking moment together already.]
I... don't think we need to worry about the money next time. If there is a next time. I don't think we're going to stay as popular as this, or even how we got this popular after, like, one show... but I think we'll be okay. We can afford to be picky if a show's going to bring up bad stuff for you.
[He's sort of glad they did do this one. It wasn't really his thing. He didn't really get other kids back when he was a kid, and he sure doesn't now. But it wasn't bad, and he would have felt very guilty for ruining a six year old's party even if it was for Ryan's sake.
Something else though? He doesn't mind passing it up if that's better for Ryan. God knows he's had to help Min through show related anxieties enough times. It's only fair he returns the favour now and then.]
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Yeah. ...Yeah, you're right. Or at least we should ask more questions up front like, "Hey, is this going to actually going to be a kid's party?".
[He says it like a joke, but he's not entirely joking - they have definitely learned a lesson here the hard way. He can almost hear their metaphorical number wooshing downward.
Weirdly, he's kind of glad they took this gig too. Not because they would have disappointed a kid on his birthday (though he didn't want to do that either) but because they literally might not have had this conversation otherwise. Who knows when it might have come up again?]
But yeah, we don't have to be desperate. [He doesn't have to be desperate anymore, or put himself back in that weird headspace about it.] Especially since we can skate on this weird fifteen seconds of fame for a bit, and it's not like it's even the only source of income we've got.
[He doesn't say what the other one is, because it's entirely Min-Gi's and also not something to bring up at a children's party. But saying they have more than one income source isn't enough of a red flag on its own.]
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Maybe not quite like that, but we should definitely ask more questions. We should probably have for this one too, but who offers that much for a kid's party?
[The dad must be really well off to justify all this, and the way he'd been talking about it it had definitely sounded like a legitimate show. Nothing he'd said had raised any concerns for either of them until they showed up.
Min-Gi glances around nervously at the mention of his other source of income, but he knows logically no one would guess what it was. No one so much as glances at them until he looks around, and even then it's only one of the other parents raising a mild eyebrow before going back to their own conversation.]
Yeah. Plus it's not like I couldn't pick up other work. ['Other work' being hospitality jobs he hates, but at least he's not tied into those.] And I could probably challenge some of the weaker gyms if we got really desperate.
[Not that he thinks they will, but he always feels better with a back up plan.]
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[Not that they can really complain, after getting paid a stupid amount for the show. But Ryan can't picture his family shelling out that much for a birthday party. A better bar is that he can't picture Min-Gi's family shelling out that much for a birthday party either. It's super not normal, and yet here they are.
He pops another bite of cake into his mouth and then points his fork at Min accusatorily.]
I think you mean "we". "We" could pick up work and challenge gyms. You don't have to take that on alone if it comes down to something like that.
[Sure, he doesn't have a ton of experience, but he's not going to just sit around and do nothing while Min struggles to make ends meet. Let him help!]
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[They can agree on that much. They shouldn't complain since they're the ones reaping the benefits, but it's super weird.
He hesitates before he says anything else. He's not sure how to avoid sounding rude here, but...]
What jobs would you do? [Oof, no. That sounds bad.] Not that you couldn't! But... you don't exactly have the same experience I do. And like... I don't think I could beat Lieutenant Surge yet, so gyms are probably still out for a little bit.
[Explaining his concerns is probably not helping here.]
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I don't know? I'd figure something out. Besides, you said yourself that people hire people for short term stuff all the time around so...I'd see what was around, I guess?
[He's not sure why this particular point has him so weirdly defensive. Min's right that he doesn't have a lot of traditional experience, but he's also never tried to get a job like that before - as evidenced by the story about his desperate $30 gig.]
I'd figure something out, okay? What else am I supposed to do, sit around all day while you go do like three or four different things for money? I'm not doing that, Min. We're in this together.
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None of that's Ryan's fault, but of course he still wants to contribute even if Chicken Choice Judy isn't pulling in the money they need it to. It doesn't even seem like they'll have to rely on other means in the near future, which just makes having pushed him on it even stupider.]
I know. I'm sorry. I guess I keep thinking it's my responsibility since I've been here longer. I was really freaked out until you finally got here. I picked up a couple of jobs because I needed the money, but that was tough. It felt so normal when everything was weird, and not in a good way. Not like the bathroom. Like I was just stuck again doing whatever other people wanted, and I didn't even get a say.
[He chances a look back over at him, hoping Ryan's not as annoyed.]
I don't want that for you before you've had chance to settle in. I forget you don't need as much time as I do before something new stops being scary for you.
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But for once? He can actually see a bigger picture. Maybe it's only because it's been on his mind today, but...the problem, at its core, is kind of the same as his.]
...You were back in that space again.
[Something happened, and then it was like Min never left Dumpty's. It was like Ryan was still on that shitty tour. Something happened and they both slid right back into old habits and worries they thought they'd outgrown.
Ryan sets his hand on Min's shoulder, trying to say more with a gesture than he ever could with words.]
We're not going to get stuck. If it ever does come to something like that? Totally temporary. Just long enough to get us back on our feet. And you'll always, always have a say with me.
[Even if they don't always agree, the last thing Ryan wants is for Min to just go through the motions for his sake.]
And like...I know I've sucked at it before, but. I can take some of that responsibility. Just because you have experience doesn't mean it's good for you. If one day you're like "Dude, I can't even look at another diner without wanting to hurl," I'll get something extra until we figure something else out.
[He gives Min's shoulder a gentle squeeze. He's right here.]
I meant it. We're in this together. Don't take all of it on by yourself, Min.
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I know. So do you. I'm just... I'm used to being the responsible one. Not even just with you. In everything. I know you don't expect me to take on everything, but sometimes it's hard for me to let go of that.
I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't trust you to help if we need it. No one's ever had my back like you do.
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