[Ryan chuckles and scritches behind Strut's ears, happy to give her attention while he and Min talk it out. Vogue seems to be further out from underneath the couch every time one of them looks, but he always stops moving the second he is perceived.
Min asks a good question though, one Ryan almost doesn't want to think about. It had felt so incredible, even for just a moment, that thinking about the loss of it already hurts. But...realistically, whatever is happening this weekend won't last forever. It might not even last beyond today.
When he finally answers, he makes it sound so simple.]
Then we can't do it again. And we already couldn't do it before, so we'd just be back where we started. But...we won't know unless we try, right?
[They could be afraid of not being able to sync up again, or they could just go for it - and it's no secret what Ryan's vote would be.]
[Ryan's right, and unsure as he is in some ways he knows he'll regret it if they don't at least try. He nods slowly, scooting Strut away from Ryan's hand and back towards Vogue. He knows she won't enjoy it if she's right there and they do manage to do it again. Poor Vogue has finally emerged completely by now, and while Min feels bad for him he doesn't feel bad enough to not try.]
Okay. So, let's try. Do we just hug, or...?
[Realistically, he knows Ryan's probably just as clueless as he is. It's not like he mean to make whatever happened to them happen. He'd just hugged him, and then he'd been inside him somehow.]
[He has absolutely no idea. He doesn't want to think about how weird it will probably be to sync up on the floor though, so he stands up and offers a hand to Min. When he takes it, Ryan doesn't just pull him to his feet - he pulls him up and into his arms for a tight hug.
And he holds it.
...And he holds it.
His eyes were closed at first, but now they're open and he's looking over Min's shoulder awkwardly. They haven't frightened the cat Pokémon back under the couch yet at least.]
It had felt as right as ever when Ryan had pulled him up with surprising strength and held him close, but the longer it goes on the weirder it feels. Min-Gi waits at first. He's always been an advocate for patience.
But by the time Ryan speaks up... even he can't deny this doesn't seem to be working.]
I don't think so...
[He still hasn't moved reluctant to break free, just in case this is the moment it does happen.]
[Ryan hasn't moved either. Even with the awkwardness, it's still kind of nice. He's always been a really touchy-feely person as it is, and he could so easily rest his head on Min's shoulder from here, but...that seems like a step too far, somehow. As if syncing themselves together wasn't, somehow.]
Was anything else happening? We were goofing off a little, singing...
[He trails off, unsure what the connection would be. Something happened, and it wasn't just a hug. They did touch, but it wasn't just the hug...]
[Where had they got to even? He thinks back, to before this had happened. He falters once he does remember, the lyrics hitting far too close to home for reasons he can never explain to Ryan.
But if they're going to succeed in becoming one again, maybe it's what they need. He pulls back just enough he can look at Ryan, starting to sing softly.]
♪ Can we last forever? Will we fall apart? At times, it's so confusing... ♪
[He trails off there, looking to Ryan to pick up the slack or call it off. His throat is tight and anxious, something he hopes Ryan won't pick up on. Maybe it would've been less weird if they'd tried goofing off.]
[Min doesn't pull back as far as Ryan was expecting him to, and he sings this love song so gently that it brings what must be a blush to Ryan's face - an even deeper red than he is already. There's something about singing it while actively trying to do whatever they just did that feels infinitely more intimate, but Ryan doesn't miss a beat.]
♪ The questions of the heart... ♪
[There aren't any questions in his heart. It knows what he's known for years now, and can't do anything with that information. He isn't belting anymore - he's matching Min's energy, making it a softer song than it was before.]
♪ You followed me through changes And patiently you'd wait 'Til I came to my senses Through some miracle of fate... ♪
[He doesn't remember this song hitting so hard before, but now? Now it feels so on point that it could have been something they wrote. These are words Ryan can imagine himself writing and singing...all with Min. And it feels right.
Before the chorus comes back, Ryan can't help himself. Standing still in this moment is agonizing so he starts to sway with Min, like they're preteens at a middle school dance.]
[Min's blushing too, though it's harder to tell that's what it is on him. Blue on blue skin as he loses himself in Ryan's eyes and gentle voice. He means to join in again once Ryan starts, but it feels so much like he's being sung to he forgets in the moment.
Then when Ryan starts swaying with him... he almost forgets to breathe.
Once he does start to join in he feels giddy and light, though he knows he's reading into it more than he should.]
♪ Loving for a moment Taking on the world That was just my style ♪
[It only feels natural to lean in closer now. It doesn't feel weird like it had before. Even though they're still separate, they still feel almost as united.]
♪ Now I look into your eyes ♪
[Everything feels brighter than it had before. Softer.]
♪ I can see foreveeeer ♪
[It isn't his voice anymore. It's theirs. They laugh, looking down at purple hands. They aren't so worried this time, now that they'd been hoping for it. Although there's no one else there to hold, they don't mind that now. They wrap their arms around themselves, approximating a hug.]
Ryan! We did it!
[Strut doesn't seem so worried about it this time either. She doesn't love it, but she doesn't flee either. Not that they notice, too wrapped up in themselves.]
[That little self-hug feels so, so good. They are warm and light and full of every fuzzy feeling the two have had in the last several minutes. If they smile any bigger their face is going to start to hurt, but they laugh in relief anyway that it actually worked.]
Woah...
[They look down at their hands again - there's no sadness in slipping out of the hug because the feelings inside of it still course through their entire being. It's really amazing though - they aren't quite Min and they aren't quite Ryan. There's so many things they could do or say or BE - it's incredible! But it's so much.
Suddenly, a gasp!]
I should-- We? We should find a mirror!
[Vogue is somewhat reluctantly out from under the couch because he refuses to be seen as more of a baby than Strut, but he's very prickly and keeping a good distance.]
[Which is still scary, but not so much now that they were expecting it. It's a good idea. They have no idea how they look right now, and while there's some trepidation they aren't so worried about finding out as they were when they were just Min. They take a step towards the bathroom, then another slower one because it turns out their centre of balance is a little different now they're taller.]
Be careful.
[Min thinks he's the one controlling their legs right now, but it doesn't feel totally the same as when he's on his own. They figure it doesn't hurt to warn them. They're still not used to being one person after all.]
[This has almost the opposite effect on them. The truth is they had both been in sync in terms of movement, at least for a brief moment, but the attention called to their separate halves has them stumbling a little on their way.
But it's fine. If it makes a part of them feel more secure, then they can work with that!
So they slowly and clumsily make their way to the bathroom. Even so, there's an small undercurrent of excitement. They're walking!
They catch the door frame and with maybe an odd amount of trepidation for someone who was so excited about the idea, they shyly peek into the bathroom...
...And a tall purple person looks back at them in the Mirror, with two sets of eyes and two sets of gems.
The truly odd part is that even though this person doesn't look like either Ryan or Min, there's still a ping of recognition in the back of their mind. They are Purple Jade, in the same way that Ryan is Red Jade and Min is Blue Jade - not that either name has gotten any use.]
[That sends him reeling for a moment before they're back to them. They really are one person. They step closer to the mirror, reaching out to touch their reflection in wonder.]
It's us...
[They're scary yet familiar. And they're not really a them, are they?]
It's... me?
[That sends a shiver through them. They still feel like separate people almost despite occupying one body. Are they still them? Are they... them?]
This is confusing.
[But he's determined to hold himself together this time. To hold them together. At least for longer than they had before. This is how they should be. At least that's how they feel. They've always been Min-Gi and Ryan, for longer than either of them can remember. There were so few people who thought of them separately as they grew up it almost makes sense this would feel so right to them.]
[You know, because that's how the song that help fuse them together goes? It's a bad joke though, and they're a lot more interested in what's in the glass anyway. One hand reaches for the mirror, and the other lifts up to their face, as if touching and looking at the same time will make it all more real.]
...It's super weird. But cool too?
[There are parts they can see that they recognize from before. Ryan's nose twitches. They run their fingers along Min's jawline. All these little bits and pieces that combine to make them.
But who are they? Purple Jade, they've established, but no one is using their gem names it seems - Ryan and Min-Gi have perfectly good names already, after all. All four eyes squint at their reflection, trying to sound out something better.]
[They give their reflection a withering look, trying to chase away the pang of panic at where that makes their mind instinctively want to go.
They're content to let Ryan explore their features, marvelling at how much different some of it feels while some feels exactly like his own. They're less content with Ryan's attempts to work out their name. Because they're already very sure those are Ryan's contributions, not Min's.]
Can't we just be Min-Gi and Ryan? We're still us. ...Kind of.
We're still us, but we're us together. Someone new.
[There's a small pang of something within them, the smallest amount of heartache. It's something they're trying to keep pushed down, but is truly impossible to hide when they're made of more than one sentient part.
Maybe they weren't ready for this, together.
(Maybe they rushed into things again, forced Min-Gi along into this really intimate thing. Does Min want this? Maybe this is too weird for him, too-- everything when they just wanted to...when he just wanted to be with...)
There's a bright light so sudden that it's like a bolt of lightning, and in an instant they're two separate people again. Ryan doesn't fall backwards this time. He catches the edge of the sink, flushed with embarrassment that he's the one who made them fall apart this time. It's not even the kind of thing he would say out loud and he's pretty sure he didn't, but...there's no way Min-Gi didn't feel that.]
They feel something deep in their heart, and Min-Gi knows all too well where that comes from. That's his emotion, and there's no way Ryan can't feel it too. His fears are only confirmed when there's a flash of light and suddenly he can see Ryan bracing himself on the sink.
He feels even emptier than he had last time they'd split. Not knowing what else do to he backs away slowly until he's pressed back against the wall. Everything feels faint and distant, and if he'd come to the door rather than the wall he knows there'd have been the temptation to run.
What can he say now? Should he even say anything? He looks embarrassed, and it takes a lot to embarrass Ryan. He has to know.]
Ryan, I...
[He reaches out, then drops his hand loosely back down to his side as he trails off. There's no explaining this away. No excuses he can make. He just has to wait and hope that Ryan understands.]
[There's no waiting involved at all. The second there's a break in Min's words, Ryan fills the silence with panicked babbling.]
--Sorry! Sorry, I made everything super weird for you. We don't have to do this! I don't want you to like-- I dunno, I don't want to make you uncomfortable or like, weirded out or-- I dunno! But I didn't mean to, and we can just...we can...
[They can't though, can they? They can't just pretend it didn't happen. Ryan rubs at his eyes under his glasses with his palms, trying to make whatever is threatening to happen there stop. He takes a deep, staggering breath.]
...Sorry. I'm good. I...I'm sorry I messed it up, made it weird. You don't need to deal with all that...shit.
["Shit" comes with the vaguest handwave, like he was looking for another word and settled on a curse. But fuck, Min like just came out! He shouldn't have to deal with his stupid unrequited crush of a million years.
His heart is pounding in his ears. How could he have possibly fucked up this badly?]
[Min watches in a stunned silence, trying to work out what's happening. Why is Ryan freaking out when he's the one who should be apologising? He stares at him dumbstruck as he tries to make sense of it.
Maybe there's something missing, something he didn't notice while they were still together? He can hardly dare to hope this is what it sounds like. Doesn't know if he's even ready for it to be what it sounds like.
Hesitantly, he steps forward. Just close enough he can touch him. This time when he reaches out he doesn't pull away. He puts a steadying hand on Ryan's arm, trying to put on a reassuring face while he makes sure they're actually talking about the same thing.]
Hey. It's okay. I... don't think you were the one who made it weird.
[He wants to be hopeful, but if they aren't on the same page here he knows he's setting himself up for a hurt he isn't ready for. Probably won't ever be ready for. Even as he tries to comfort Ryan he's still standing at almost a full arm's length, nervous at how Ryan might respond.]
[Ryan lets him, which is a good sign - he isn't afraid to pull back when he doesn't want to be touched. He doesn't move closer though, he just...lets Min react however he's going to.
His attempt at comfort is so baffling though. It takes Ryan a moment to come down enough to fully switch gears.]
What're you talking about? It was definitely me! I'm the one that freaked out and yanked us apart, I'm the one who-- who got all in our head about like, everything! It was fine, and then I wrecked it with...feelings! Why would any of that have been you?!
[Ryan doesn't have even a shred of hope that it might have been a mutual feeling. If anything, now he's worried Min pulled apart over something else and now it's being made weird because he can't fucking win, can he?
He makes himself take a couple of steady breaths, to try and not freak out so much. He's making all of this worse, and he needs to stop it. In, and then out with a sigh.]
...Seriously man, it's not you. You didn't make it weird. Don't worry about it.
[This isn't going to work and he kind of knows it, but. He wouldn't be him if he didn't try.]
[Part of him wants to step back, give Ryan his space. But despite his anger, it doesn't seem as though it's directed at him. He watches him silently, not moving as he tries to work out where to go next. It does seem like they're on the same page, but Ryan seems so upset. He doesn't want to risk making him feel any worse.
And what if he's wrong...?
The thought lingers in the back of his mind, making him doubt himself even more than he does already.]
Are you sure? What I... we... felt before we split. I thought it was me. I thought that's what scared you.
[He's still scared, not able to actually say the words. Just hope that Ryan eventually catches on and confirms it for him one way or the other.]
[Some of the tension slips away from Ryan, and for a second he just...stares. There's no way he heard that right. He couldn't possibly have.]
...What?
[Min thought that was him? Every time he tries to connect the dots they refuse to stick together. How could that be true? That's too good to be true. There still has to be some kind of misunderstanding here, but that...can't be.]
I wasn't scared of the feeling. I was scared it would scare you, so I...y'know. Pulled the ripcord, I guess?
[This doesn't feel real, but at least he's a little calmer now. It helps that Min doesn't actually seem scared. He's just there, and he's still there and hasn't run off.]
[It's a relief that Ryan seems to be listening to him now. That he seems to understand him. It means he can relax, if only a little.]
It does scare me. Of course it scares me. I tried so hard not to...
[But this isn't about him. Or at least it's not just about him. He cuts himself off with a bittersweet laugh, edging closer to Ryan now that he isn't so angry.]
I don't know how to do this, Ryan. I just need you to know you didn't ruin anything.
That has him near tears again, though he sniffles to try and force them back. Even if everything else feels surreal, Ryan believes him when he says that. Just knowing he didn't fuck this up beyond repair is such an immense comfort and relief. Min's still here, moving closer to him. He isn't weirded out or creeped out. He's just...here.
Ryan closes the rest of the gap and hugs Min close. They don't fuse in that exact moment; Ryan just holds on because he needs to more than words can explain.]
We're both talking about the same thing, right?
[Because they could go another twenty-one years without ever acknowledging it again because they couldn't spit the words out, and the thought of that scares Ryan a little too. He takes a deep breath and steels himself as though the answer could still somehow be bad, even though he's literally clinging to Min as he says it.]
[Min-Gi tenses up when Ryan hugs him. Not because he dislikes it, but given what they're talking about it feels different to the way it normally does. He does return the hug though, albeit a little stiffly.
He doesn't answer straight away, afraid to commit to the answer even after Ryan's said what they've both been edging around directly. After a long moment he nods, barely perceptible against the side of Ryan's head.]
What do we do? If we both have feelings for each other?
[It feels like a stupid question, and it probably is, but he's barely started letting himself acknowledge it might be okay if he's gay. This isn't a direction he'd ever allowed himself to dwell on.]
[That might be the longest moment Ryan has ever experienced in his life. It's soft, but Min will feel a little sigh of relief from Ryan when he nods. He lets out a small laugh.]
I...don't know.
[He's never entertained the thought, not in any serious way. Any thoughts about it have been daydreams at best, quickly extinguished and buried.
Why is this so scary? This is everything he's ever secretly wanted, so why does it still feel the whole world could end if he makes one wrong move? There's excitement, but terror flowing underneath it. But...maybe it's like everything else. Maybe they have to just talk, even if it's hard.]
I never thought it would even happen? It feels too good to be true.
[He obviously isn't against it. In a lot of respects it seems like it's not even a problem at all, except for the fact that all of Ryan's previous relationships have ended in disaster. That's the absolute last thing he wants. Besides, Min seems like he might be scared too.]
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no subject
Min asks a good question though, one Ryan almost doesn't want to think about. It had felt so incredible, even for just a moment, that thinking about the loss of it already hurts. But...realistically, whatever is happening this weekend won't last forever. It might not even last beyond today.
When he finally answers, he makes it sound so simple.]
Then we can't do it again. And we already couldn't do it before, so we'd just be back where we started. But...we won't know unless we try, right?
[They could be afraid of not being able to sync up again, or they could just go for it - and it's no secret what Ryan's vote would be.]
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Okay. So, let's try. Do we just hug, or...?
[Realistically, he knows Ryan's probably just as clueless as he is. It's not like he mean to make whatever happened to them happen. He'd just hugged him, and then he'd been inside him somehow.]
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[He has absolutely no idea. He doesn't want to think about how weird it will probably be to sync up on the floor though, so he stands up and offers a hand to Min. When he takes it, Ryan doesn't just pull him to his feet - he pulls him up and into his arms for a tight hug.
And he holds it.
...And he holds it.
His eyes were closed at first, but now they're open and he's looking over Min's shoulder awkwardly. They haven't frightened the cat Pokémon back under the couch yet at least.]
Is...anything happening?
[Doesn't seem like it.]
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It had felt as right as ever when Ryan had pulled him up with surprising strength and held him close, but the longer it goes on the weirder it feels. Min-Gi waits at first. He's always been an advocate for patience.
But by the time Ryan speaks up... even he can't deny this doesn't seem to be working.]
I don't think so...
[He still hasn't moved reluctant to break free, just in case this is the moment it does happen.]
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Was anything else happening? We were goofing off a little, singing...
[He trails off, unsure what the connection would be. Something happened, and it wasn't just a hug. They did touch, but it wasn't just the hug...]
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[Where had they got to even? He thinks back, to before this had happened. He falters once he does remember, the lyrics hitting far too close to home for reasons he can never explain to Ryan.
But if they're going to succeed in becoming one again, maybe it's what they need. He pulls back just enough he can look at Ryan, starting to sing softly.]
♪ Can we last forever?
Will we fall apart?
At times, it's so confusing... ♪
[He trails off there, looking to Ryan to pick up the slack or call it off. His throat is tight and anxious, something he hopes Ryan won't pick up on. Maybe it would've been less weird if they'd tried goofing off.]
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♪ The questions of the heart... ♪
[There aren't any questions in his heart. It knows what he's known for years now, and can't do anything with that information. He isn't belting anymore - he's matching Min's energy, making it a softer song than it was before.]
♪ You followed me through changes
And patiently you'd wait
'Til I came to my senses
Through some miracle of fate... ♪
[He doesn't remember this song hitting so hard before, but now? Now it feels so on point that it could have been something they wrote. These are words Ryan can imagine himself writing and singing...all with Min. And it feels right.
Before the chorus comes back, Ryan can't help himself. Standing still in this moment is agonizing so he starts to sway with Min, like they're preteens at a middle school dance.]
♪ I was living for a dream... ♪
no subject
Then when Ryan starts swaying with him... he almost forgets to breathe.
Once he does start to join in he feels giddy and light, though he knows he's reading into it more than he should.]
♪ Loving for a moment
Taking on the world
That was just my style ♪
[It only feels natural to lean in closer now. It doesn't feel weird like it had before. Even though they're still separate, they still feel almost as united.]
♪ Now I look into your eyes ♪
[Everything feels brighter than it had before. Softer.]
♪ I can see foreveeeer ♪
[It isn't his voice anymore. It's theirs. They laugh, looking down at purple hands. They aren't so worried this time, now that they'd been hoping for it. Although there's no one else there to hold, they don't mind that now. They wrap their arms around themselves, approximating a hug.]
Ryan! We did it!
[Strut doesn't seem so worried about it this time either. She doesn't love it, but she doesn't flee either. Not that they notice, too wrapped up in themselves.]
no subject
[That little self-hug feels so, so good. They are warm and light and full of every fuzzy feeling the two have had in the last several minutes. If they smile any bigger their face is going to start to hurt, but they laugh in relief anyway that it actually worked.]
Woah...
[They look down at their hands again - there's no sadness in slipping out of the hug because the feelings inside of it still course through their entire being. It's really amazing though - they aren't quite Min and they aren't quite Ryan. There's so many things they could do or say or BE - it's incredible! But it's so much.
Suddenly, a gasp!]
I should-- We? We should find a mirror!
[Vogue is somewhat reluctantly out from under the couch because he refuses to be seen as more of a baby than Strut, but he's very prickly and keeping a good distance.]
no subject
[Which is still scary, but not so much now that they were expecting it. It's a good idea. They have no idea how they look right now, and while there's some trepidation they aren't so worried about finding out as they were when they were just Min. They take a step towards the bathroom, then another slower one because it turns out their centre of balance is a little different now they're taller.]
Be careful.
[Min thinks he's the one controlling their legs right now, but it doesn't feel totally the same as when he's on his own. They figure it doesn't hurt to warn them. They're still not used to being one person after all.]
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But it's fine. If it makes a part of them feel more secure, then they can work with that!
So they slowly and clumsily make their way to the bathroom. Even so, there's an small undercurrent of excitement. They're walking!
They catch the door frame and with maybe an odd amount of trepidation for someone who was so excited about the idea, they shyly peek into the bathroom...
...And a tall purple person looks back at them in the Mirror, with two sets of eyes and two sets of gems.
The truly odd part is that even though this person doesn't look like either Ryan or Min, there's still a ping of recognition in the back of their mind. They are Purple Jade, in the same way that Ryan is Red Jade and Min is Blue Jade - not that either name has gotten any use.]
no subject
[That sends him reeling for a moment before they're back to them. They really are one person. They step closer to the mirror, reaching out to touch their reflection in wonder.]
It's us...
[They're scary yet familiar. And they're not really a them, are they?]
It's... me?
[That sends a shiver through them. They still feel like separate people almost despite occupying one body. Are they still them? Are they... them?]
This is confusing.
[But he's determined to hold himself together this time. To hold them together. At least for longer than they had before. This is how they should be. At least that's how they feel. They've always been Min-Gi and Ryan, for longer than either of them can remember. There were so few people who thought of them separately as they grew up it almost makes sense this would feel so right to them.]
no subject
[You know, because that's how the song that help fuse them together goes? It's a bad joke though, and they're a lot more interested in what's in the glass anyway. One hand reaches for the mirror, and the other lifts up to their face, as if touching and looking at the same time will make it all more real.]
...It's super weird. But cool too?
[There are parts they can see that they recognize from before. Ryan's nose twitches. They run their fingers along Min's jawline. All these little bits and pieces that combine to make them.
But who are they? Purple Jade, they've established, but no one is using their gem names it seems - Ryan and Min-Gi have perfectly good names already, after all. All four eyes squint at their reflection, trying to sound out something better.]
Ry-Gi? ...Min-An.
[No, both of those suck. Hm...]
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They're content to let Ryan explore their features, marvelling at how much different some of it feels while some feels exactly like his own. They're less content with Ryan's attempts to work out their name. Because they're already very sure those are Ryan's contributions, not Min's.]
Can't we just be Min-Gi and Ryan? We're still us. ...Kind of.
[But they're someone new as well, aren't they?]
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[There's a small pang of something within them, the smallest amount of heartache. It's something they're trying to keep pushed down, but is truly impossible to hide when they're made of more than one sentient part.
Maybe they weren't ready for this, together.
(Maybe they rushed into things again, forced Min-Gi along into this really intimate thing. Does Min want this? Maybe this is too weird for him, too-- everything when they just wanted to...when he just wanted to be with...)
There's a bright light so sudden that it's like a bolt of lightning, and in an instant they're two separate people again. Ryan doesn't fall backwards this time. He catches the edge of the sink, flushed with embarrassment that he's the one who made them fall apart this time. It's not even the kind of thing he would say out loud and he's pretty sure he didn't, but...there's no way Min-Gi didn't feel that.]
no subject
They feel something deep in their heart, and Min-Gi knows all too well where that comes from. That's his emotion, and there's no way Ryan can't feel it too. His fears are only confirmed when there's a flash of light and suddenly he can see Ryan bracing himself on the sink.
He feels even emptier than he had last time they'd split. Not knowing what else do to he backs away slowly until he's pressed back against the wall. Everything feels faint and distant, and if he'd come to the door rather than the wall he knows there'd have been the temptation to run.
What can he say now? Should he even say anything? He looks embarrassed, and it takes a lot to embarrass Ryan. He has to know.]
Ryan, I...
[He reaches out, then drops his hand loosely back down to his side as he trails off. There's no explaining this away. No excuses he can make. He just has to wait and hope that Ryan understands.]
no subject
--Sorry! Sorry, I made everything super weird for you. We don't have to do this! I don't want you to like-- I dunno, I don't want to make you uncomfortable or like, weirded out or-- I dunno! But I didn't mean to, and we can just...we can...
[They can't though, can they? They can't just pretend it didn't happen. Ryan rubs at his eyes under his glasses with his palms, trying to make whatever is threatening to happen there stop. He takes a deep, staggering breath.]
...Sorry. I'm good. I...I'm sorry I messed it up, made it weird. You don't need to deal with all that...shit.
["Shit" comes with the vaguest handwave, like he was looking for another word and settled on a curse. But fuck, Min like just came out! He shouldn't have to deal with his stupid unrequited crush of a million years.
His heart is pounding in his ears. How could he have possibly fucked up this badly?]
no subject
Maybe there's something missing, something he didn't notice while they were still together? He can hardly dare to hope this is what it sounds like. Doesn't know if he's even ready for it to be what it sounds like.
Hesitantly, he steps forward. Just close enough he can touch him. This time when he reaches out he doesn't pull away. He puts a steadying hand on Ryan's arm, trying to put on a reassuring face while he makes sure they're actually talking about the same thing.]
Hey. It's okay. I... don't think you were the one who made it weird.
[He wants to be hopeful, but if they aren't on the same page here he knows he's setting himself up for a hurt he isn't ready for. Probably won't ever be ready for. Even as he tries to comfort Ryan he's still standing at almost a full arm's length, nervous at how Ryan might respond.]
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His attempt at comfort is so baffling though. It takes Ryan a moment to come down enough to fully switch gears.]
What're you talking about? It was definitely me! I'm the one that freaked out and yanked us apart, I'm the one who-- who got all in our head about like, everything! It was fine, and then I wrecked it with...feelings! Why would any of that have been you?!
[Ryan doesn't have even a shred of hope that it might have been a mutual feeling. If anything, now he's worried Min pulled apart over something else and now it's being made weird because he can't fucking win, can he?
He makes himself take a couple of steady breaths, to try and not freak out so much. He's making all of this worse, and he needs to stop it. In, and then out with a sigh.]
...Seriously man, it's not you. You didn't make it weird. Don't worry about it.
[This isn't going to work and he kind of knows it, but. He wouldn't be him if he didn't try.]
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And what if he's wrong...?
The thought lingers in the back of his mind, making him doubt himself even more than he does already.]
Are you sure? What I... we... felt before we split. I thought it was me. I thought that's what scared you.
[He's still scared, not able to actually say the words. Just hope that Ryan eventually catches on and confirms it for him one way or the other.]
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...What?
[Min thought that was him? Every time he tries to connect the dots they refuse to stick together. How could that be true? That's too good to be true. There still has to be some kind of misunderstanding here, but that...can't be.]
I wasn't scared of the feeling. I was scared it would scare you, so I...y'know. Pulled the ripcord, I guess?
[This doesn't feel real, but at least he's a little calmer now. It helps that Min doesn't actually seem scared. He's just there, and he's still there and hasn't run off.]
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It does scare me. Of course it scares me. I tried so hard not to...
[But this isn't about him. Or at least it's not just about him. He cuts himself off with a bittersweet laugh, edging closer to Ryan now that he isn't so angry.]
I don't know how to do this, Ryan. I just need you to know you didn't ruin anything.
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That has him near tears again, though he sniffles to try and force them back. Even if everything else feels surreal, Ryan believes him when he says that. Just knowing he didn't fuck this up beyond repair is such an immense comfort and relief. Min's still here, moving closer to him. He isn't weirded out or creeped out. He's just...here.
Ryan closes the rest of the gap and hugs Min close. They don't fuse in that exact moment; Ryan just holds on because he needs to more than words can explain.]
We're both talking about the same thing, right?
[Because they could go another twenty-one years without ever acknowledging it again because they couldn't spit the words out, and the thought of that scares Ryan a little too. He takes a deep breath and steels himself as though the answer could still somehow be bad, even though he's literally clinging to Min as he says it.]
About like. ...Being head over heels for you?
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He doesn't answer straight away, afraid to commit to the answer even after Ryan's said what they've both been edging around directly. After a long moment he nods, barely perceptible against the side of Ryan's head.]
What do we do? If we both have feelings for each other?
[It feels like a stupid question, and it probably is, but he's barely started letting himself acknowledge it might be okay if he's gay. This isn't a direction he'd ever allowed himself to dwell on.]
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I...don't know.
[He's never entertained the thought, not in any serious way. Any thoughts about it have been daydreams at best, quickly extinguished and buried.
Why is this so scary? This is everything he's ever secretly wanted, so why does it still feel the whole world could end if he makes one wrong move? There's excitement, but terror flowing underneath it. But...maybe it's like everything else. Maybe they have to just talk, even if it's hard.]
I never thought it would even happen? It feels too good to be true.
[He obviously isn't against it. In a lot of respects it seems like it's not even a problem at all, except for the fact that all of Ryan's previous relationships have ended in disaster. That's the absolute last thing he wants. Besides, Min seems like he might be scared too.]
...What about you? What do you want to do?
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