[Their mind has always been this scattered, or at least Ryan's has. Their shared memories push and pull, sparking new additions as one thought sparks another and another.
For every secretive glance Min cast Ryan's way, there's a different memory of Ryan doing the same. In middle school at the diner. Being wallflowers together at a school dance because slow dancing wasn't even a possibility. Here in the Pokémon world, curled up in a hammock together as if there was no where else they would rather be, when Ryan is sure Min is asleep.
They miss the Parks. They remember those dinners and they come with echoes of other feelings, of wanting to belong with them. Different from how Min-Gi wanted to please them, a longing for something that wasn't really his. There's a memory of drying dishes at the sink with Min, a secret pleasure in knowing where the plates and glasses go in his house. If Ryan had been a girl, maybe they would have said Ryan would be lucky, but then he shakes away the thought because it's not like two dudes can get married. An older memory echoes that sentiment and adds that it isn't like anyone would stick around long enough anyway.
For every comment they remember from Min, there's another waiting in line from Ryan. Some asshole in high school Ryan never bothered mentioning, name already forgotten. Ryan nursing a hot coffee and nothing else at some shitty gas station listening to someone with opinions that are a little too loud about a supposed "gay cancer", oblivious to him being there. A huge fight with a girl in his van about who he was or wasn't looking at, ripping apart his identity every step of the way until she demanded he let her out of the car. They remember intense rejection, and chucking a magazine in the garbage even though the important parts were all burned into their brain forever.
The biggest mistake Bowie ever made was being exactly like Ryan.
All of these swirl with Min-Gi's memories, not just intertwining but skipping like a scratched record from moment to moment. Their head is spinning, and they grip the side of the sink as they look in the mirror, searching for someone they can't quite see.]
I...we're okay. It's a lot, but...I'm a lot. We're a lot.
[First self-deprecating, then literally. They are literally two people; they are objectively going to be "a lot".]
[The back and forth of memories leaves their mind swirling. A stark reminder they're a them, formed from two very different people. They don't feel quite the same as either of them.
They frown, not liking to hear them talk about themself like that. They reach up to touch their arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze.]
We're fine. [Wait. That wasn't what they meant.] You're fine. You're better than fine.
[They don't like the things they picked up from the part they hadn't known. Some of it had been fine, but other memories... Others made them mad.]
You know there's nothing wrong with you, right? If people can't appreciate you for who you are they don't deserve to stick around.
[It's maybe a bit rich coming from him considering he's the one holding them back right now, but it feels important to say. Even if the sudden clarity of being Min threatens to break them apart again.]
Those memories leave a negative fog inside them that lingers and obscures. If they try and feel for the separate parts that make them them, there's one that suddenly feels...wrong.
It feels far away.
This almost splits them apart. There's a flash of light and they can feel the pull, but before it happens completely they snap themselves back together like a rubber band, gasping like they just woke up from a nightmare.]
--We're fine. Yeah.
[Except, it doesn't make that pit of awful go away. There's no relief, nothing magic has been said that makes it all better. It's just there inside them, this gross self-hatred in their shared body.]
...Yeah.
[The whirlwind of memories has slowed, but now that they aren't hitting the breaks anymore some things are coming up again. Little flashes of people who didn't stick around or think he was worth much - girls, guys, family, people underpaying him at gigs. It all goes by dizzyingly fast, but it lands on a clear memory of one of his sisters - Nancy, age thirteen or so. She's telling someone a story they've since forgotten with time and Ryan keeps trying to chime in, but it just makes her angry and she snaps at him:
"Ugh, Ryan! Not everything has to be about you!"]
--Sorry. This is supposed to be for Min to show what it's like. What we...no. What he feels like.
[It hurts, feeling themselves like this. Especially after they almost split. Why do they hate themselves so much? Why can't they see themselves for the amazing person they are?
Suddenly fine feels more like an insult than the reassurance it was meant to be, and they find themselves at a loss for how to make it better.]
I didn't mean it like that...
[They hadn't, but their mind is full of Ryan's lack of self-worth and they hate it. They're wrong, but they want to understand how Ryan feels too. To truly understand it isn't always as easy for him as he makes it seem.]
It doesn't just have to be about him. It's about us.
[They know it wasn't. Carefully, they move to let go of their arm, so they can take their own hand and lace their fingers together. It's the closest they can come to holding hands with themselves.
It's hard to unify enough into a thought, and if Ryan asserts himself too much they'll rip apart again. But...this helps. Holding hands helps. Thoughts flicker to all of the odd ways they've held hands over the years, because it doesn't count if you just hold the back of someone's hand, right? Even if you curl your fingers over theirs, it's still not holding hands.]
...I like being us.
[And it's true. There's a little bloom of warmth, even though the self loathing isn't fully gone. That would take so much more than one conversation, but they like how they feel when they're together this way.
At first they don't know what they could think about or where they could steer things from here, but thoughts and memories don't necessarily come preplanned. They just happen sometimes, and they drift to other moments like this.
Like when in a sentient castle, after Ryan told Min the train knew he was garbage as if it was a statement of fact that he had hidden all this time, Min still decided he wanted to play with him. He still sat with Ryan and gently explained it was just a bad thought and nothing more. Ryan's heart fluttering when Min refused to leave him behind. They can feel how warm his face was, and how happy he felt playing the silly song they wrote when they were six in the most bizarre situation they possibly could.
Ryan doesn't always like himself, and definitely doesn't always love himself, but he's loved Min-Gi so much. Being with him feels good. He feels like someone actually sees him and cares about him and wants to be with him.]
[They almost wish they could hold hands properly, but they aren't ready to let go of this yet, and they know they'll have plenty of chances to from now on. They won't even have to pretend it's something other than what it is.]
I like being us too.
[They aren't sure exactly what they mean by that. Whether they mean being them together, or them apart. Maybe it's both.
It is nice to feel the warmth within themselves, knowing the part of them that's Ryan is feeling a little better. It's nice to feel how much they love the part of them that's Min, and how much he's actually helped.
Especially since Ryan has helped Min too. Without him they wouldn't exist. Min-Gi would be off at uni, studying something he hates and preparing himself for a life they know he'd hate. He hadn't always appreciated how pushy Ryan was, but once he understood what Min was scared of he'd supported him in ways he'd never known he needed.
They remember abandoning Ryan. The hurt of being left behind themself. They remember how lonely they'd been in Powell Lake, losing touch with even the friends that had stayed in town after graduation. Everything had felt so hollow after he'd gone. They remember how scared Min had been when they'd finally escaped the train and they did their first real performance, but Ryan had been there, making sure he knew everything would be okay. They think about how Ryan checks in with him on stage even now, subtle looks and gestures that don't seem like much from the outside but mean the world to Min-Gi.]
I don't know what's going to happen when this weekend's over, but no matter what, there's always going to be an us.
[Maybe not romantically just yet, but they can't imagine a life without each other. They understand that now more than ever.]
[The memory of battle of the bands is a tough one. The memories intertwine, and that abandonment doesn't just feel like hurt - it feels like something final and insurmountable. A clear rejection. And without Min, there was nothing left for him there. Even their family didn't see them off - not the first time and not the last time.
The Chicken Choice Judy shirt had meant so much. It wasn't just a shirt, it was Min saying his idea was good and worthwhile, and giving him a tangible sign of that. It felt like a promise, even if it was immediately broken.
They recall that Ryan casually said it shrank in the wash, except now they recall Ryan parked outside of a laundromat and crying for almost an hour because he fucking shrank it because of course he did, of course he fucked up the last thing he had of Min's by doing his laundry wrong like a moron.
They take a deep, steadying breath. Things are better now. It's just-- a thought. An old thought. But everything did feel hollow when they were apart, Min's right about that. Everything was awful and wrong and they never want to feel alone like that again.
They remember wondering if Min was ready for that first show, and being so proud of him once it was over and done. They remember wondering now and then how much rushing is too much rushing, only to be proven by Min that they were really ready this time.
Min always looks so handsome on stage under all of the lights, but it isn't just from looks. Ryan glances to check in on him, and what he sees is that Min is happy. They want that more than anything else in the entire world.]
Always. Hm, what's that saying~?
[They pretend to think for a moment and then they grin into the mirror.]
You stuck with me, so now you're stuck with me!
[From famous philosopher Min-Gi Park, shortly after chucking his keys out the window of a castle.]
[They laugh as they remember, recalling how free they'd felt after holding themselves back from what they wanted for so long. It had been exhilarating, like the chains had fallen from them and they could finally be whatever they wanted. The uncertainty had felt exciting and full of possibilities, and now they understand it had paid off.
They can be Chicken Choice Judy, and they can be Min-Gi and Ryan. They can succeed, and they can be happy. They still have a lot to lose if they ever make it home this time, but for now it doesn't seem so scary to let themselves be them.]
Always. But for now... we should make the most of it while we can be me, right?
[They won't be them in their current form for long, and that makes part of them sad. Even so, they're grateful. If it wasn't for them then the truth would still be hidden away for who knows how much longer. Maybe forever.]
[Something feels so light in them with that thought. It's a much better one, but it feels more like a promise to themselves, and it makes their heart flutter.]
Yeah! Totally.
[They look down and flex their fingers - after all of this, they feel more in sync than they were before, less concerned with who is moving what.]
Hm...time to bug the cats, I think.
[Two thoughts, circling around each other - they probably need to show Strut and Vogue they aren't scary, but also Strut and Vogue's reactions are going to be very, very funny. Both can be true!]
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no subject
For every secretive glance Min cast Ryan's way, there's a different memory of Ryan doing the same. In middle school at the diner. Being wallflowers together at a school dance because slow dancing wasn't even a possibility. Here in the Pokémon world, curled up in a hammock together as if there was no where else they would rather be, when Ryan is sure Min is asleep.
They miss the Parks. They remember those dinners and they come with echoes of other feelings, of wanting to belong with them. Different from how Min-Gi wanted to please them, a longing for something that wasn't really his. There's a memory of drying dishes at the sink with Min, a secret pleasure in knowing where the plates and glasses go in his house. If Ryan had been a girl, maybe they would have said Ryan would be lucky, but then he shakes away the thought because it's not like two dudes can get married. An older memory echoes that sentiment and adds that it isn't like anyone would stick around long enough anyway.
For every comment they remember from Min, there's another waiting in line from Ryan. Some asshole in high school Ryan never bothered mentioning, name already forgotten. Ryan nursing a hot coffee and nothing else at some shitty gas station listening to someone with opinions that are a little too loud about a supposed "gay cancer", oblivious to him being there. A huge fight with a girl in his van about who he was or wasn't looking at, ripping apart his identity every step of the way until she demanded he let her out of the car. They remember intense rejection, and chucking a magazine in the garbage even though the important parts were all burned into their brain forever.
The biggest mistake Bowie ever made was being exactly like Ryan.
All of these swirl with Min-Gi's memories, not just intertwining but skipping like a scratched record from moment to moment. Their head is spinning, and they grip the side of the sink as they look in the mirror, searching for someone they can't quite see.]
I...we're okay. It's a lot, but...I'm a lot. We're a lot.
[First self-deprecating, then literally. They are literally two people; they are objectively going to be "a lot".]
no subject
They frown, not liking to hear them talk about themself like that. They reach up to touch their arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze.]
We're fine. [Wait. That wasn't what they meant.] You're fine. You're better than fine.
[They don't like the things they picked up from the part they hadn't known. Some of it had been fine, but other memories... Others made them mad.]
You know there's nothing wrong with you, right? If people can't appreciate you for who you are they don't deserve to stick around.
[It's maybe a bit rich coming from him considering he's the one holding them back right now, but it feels important to say. Even if the sudden clarity of being Min threatens to break them apart again.]
no subject
Those memories leave a negative fog inside them that lingers and obscures. If they try and feel for the separate parts that make them them, there's one that suddenly feels...wrong.
It feels far away.
This almost splits them apart. There's a flash of light and they can feel the pull, but before it happens completely they snap themselves back together like a rubber band, gasping like they just woke up from a nightmare.]
--We're fine. Yeah.
[Except, it doesn't make that pit of awful go away. There's no relief, nothing magic has been said that makes it all better. It's just there inside them, this gross self-hatred in their shared body.]
...Yeah.
[The whirlwind of memories has slowed, but now that they aren't hitting the breaks anymore some things are coming up again. Little flashes of people who didn't stick around or think he was worth much - girls, guys, family, people underpaying him at gigs. It all goes by dizzyingly fast, but it lands on a clear memory of one of his sisters - Nancy, age thirteen or so. She's telling someone a story they've since forgotten with time and Ryan keeps trying to chime in, but it just makes her angry and she snaps at him:
"Ugh, Ryan! Not everything has to be about you!"]
--Sorry. This is supposed to be for Min to show what it's like. What we...no. What he feels like.
no subject
Suddenly fine feels more like an insult than the reassurance it was meant to be, and they find themselves at a loss for how to make it better.]
I didn't mean it like that...
[They hadn't, but their mind is full of Ryan's lack of self-worth and they hate it. They're wrong, but they want to understand how Ryan feels too. To truly understand it isn't always as easy for him as he makes it seem.]
It doesn't just have to be about him. It's about us.
no subject
It's hard to unify enough into a thought, and if Ryan asserts himself too much they'll rip apart again. But...this helps. Holding hands helps. Thoughts flicker to all of the odd ways they've held hands over the years, because it doesn't count if you just hold the back of someone's hand, right? Even if you curl your fingers over theirs, it's still not holding hands.]
...I like being us.
[And it's true. There's a little bloom of warmth, even though the self loathing isn't fully gone. That would take so much more than one conversation, but they like how they feel when they're together this way.
At first they don't know what they could think about or where they could steer things from here, but thoughts and memories don't necessarily come preplanned. They just happen sometimes, and they drift to other moments like this.
Like when in a sentient castle, after Ryan told Min the train knew he was garbage as if it was a statement of fact that he had hidden all this time, Min still decided he wanted to play with him. He still sat with Ryan and gently explained it was just a bad thought and nothing more. Ryan's heart fluttering when Min refused to leave him behind. They can feel how warm his face was, and how happy he felt playing the silly song they wrote when they were six in the most bizarre situation they possibly could.
Ryan doesn't always like himself, and definitely doesn't always love himself, but he's loved Min-Gi so much. Being with him feels good. He feels like someone actually sees him and cares about him and wants to be with him.]
no subject
I like being us too.
[They aren't sure exactly what they mean by that. Whether they mean being them together, or them apart. Maybe it's both.
It is nice to feel the warmth within themselves, knowing the part of them that's Ryan is feeling a little better. It's nice to feel how much they love the part of them that's Min, and how much he's actually helped.
Especially since Ryan has helped Min too. Without him they wouldn't exist. Min-Gi would be off at uni, studying something he hates and preparing himself for a life they know he'd hate. He hadn't always appreciated how pushy Ryan was, but once he understood what Min was scared of he'd supported him in ways he'd never known he needed.
They remember abandoning Ryan. The hurt of being left behind themself. They remember how lonely they'd been in Powell Lake, losing touch with even the friends that had stayed in town after graduation. Everything had felt so hollow after he'd gone. They remember how scared Min had been when they'd finally escaped the train and they did their first real performance, but Ryan had been there, making sure he knew everything would be okay. They think about how Ryan checks in with him on stage even now, subtle looks and gestures that don't seem like much from the outside but mean the world to Min-Gi.]
I don't know what's going to happen when this weekend's over, but no matter what, there's always going to be an us.
[Maybe not romantically just yet, but they can't imagine a life without each other. They understand that now more than ever.]
no subject
The Chicken Choice Judy shirt had meant so much. It wasn't just a shirt, it was Min saying his idea was good and worthwhile, and giving him a tangible sign of that. It felt like a promise, even if it was immediately broken.
They recall that Ryan casually said it shrank in the wash, except now they recall Ryan parked outside of a laundromat and crying for almost an hour because he fucking shrank it because of course he did, of course he fucked up the last thing he had of Min's by doing his laundry wrong like a moron.
They take a deep, steadying breath. Things are better now. It's just-- a thought. An old thought. But everything did feel hollow when they were apart, Min's right about that. Everything was awful and wrong and they never want to feel alone like that again.
They remember wondering if Min was ready for that first show, and being so proud of him once it was over and done. They remember wondering now and then how much rushing is too much rushing, only to be proven by Min that they were really ready this time.
Min always looks so handsome on stage under all of the lights, but it isn't just from looks. Ryan glances to check in on him, and what he sees is that Min is happy. They want that more than anything else in the entire world.]
Always. Hm, what's that saying~?
[They pretend to think for a moment and then they grin into the mirror.]
You stuck with me, so now you're stuck with me!
[From famous philosopher Min-Gi Park, shortly after chucking his keys out the window of a castle.]
no subject
They can be Chicken Choice Judy, and they can be Min-Gi and Ryan. They can succeed, and they can be happy. They still have a lot to lose if they ever make it home this time, but for now it doesn't seem so scary to let themselves be them.]
Always. But for now... we should make the most of it while we can be me, right?
[They won't be them in their current form for long, and that makes part of them sad. Even so, they're grateful. If it wasn't for them then the truth would still be hidden away for who knows how much longer. Maybe forever.]
no subject
Yeah! Totally.
[They look down and flex their fingers - after all of this, they feel more in sync than they were before, less concerned with who is moving what.]
Hm...time to bug the cats, I think.
[Two thoughts, circling around each other - they probably need to show Strut and Vogue they aren't scary, but also Strut and Vogue's reactions are going to be very, very funny. Both can be true!]
Let's go be me!