[Min-Gi frowns, squinting at him through narrowed eyes at that reaction. He'd seemed fine when he'd shown up. Happy. But as soon as he'd sat next to him his entire body language had changed even though he'd been the one who'd invited him to. He'd have got it earlier, but now? Now it confuses him. They're both fully dressed and back to normal. What's the big deal? It should be easier now.]
Yeah. We should come back here. It would be nice to stay out here a few days when we can fly or something.
[The big downside is that it takes a few days to get to the spot, but it's nice. Clearly not totally unused, but not so busy they couldn't get lucky and get it to themselves for a while.
That's not really the point now though. Ryan's talking about how perfect it is, but his head's clearly not in the conversation.]
[Ryan nods, agreeing more this the sky than with Min-Gi, but he's right. They should totally come back here. It would be a nice place to spend a couple of days just chilling out, swimming, playing with their Pokémon. Maybe even writing some music and just vibing with nature.
But then oh, no. He's been caught. He startles a little because he wasn't expecting Min to immediately call it out when they've been awkwardly dancing around each other all day, but it does get his attention back to him...not before shaking his head a little first though, as a reassurance and to force his head out of the gutter.]
Yeah, man! I'm fine!
[Except the boy who cried "I'm fine" suddenly realizes that means absolutely nothing after all the times he's done it when he wasn't.]
Really. It's not anything bad. I was just...I-I was thinking...y'know...
[That sentence could end so many ways, but ultimately Ryan blurts out the honest thought.]
[The answer is frankly baffling, and not one Min ever would have guessed at. He kind of regrets asking now, unsure how he's supposed to react to that. His face heats up rapidly, and he tenses up next to Ryan, hand moving to brush it back as though to smooth it into its usual style. Of course his efforts don't do much with no product in to keep it back.]
I didn't do anything with it.
[It's not even modesty. He's literally done nothing. He's not sure if that even feels like a compliment when he always spends time styling it so carefully. Is there any point if Ryan thinks it looks so much better like this?
But he can't deny he must be telling the truth. Even counting the moments over the day they've both pretended to ignore, this feels like the most flustered he's seen Ryan.]
Thank you...? I didn't see the point styling it by the time we were done swimming...
[He stares awkwardly into the water. It's too dark to see his reflection now, but it's not as though he doesn't know how his own hair looks. He doesn't get it.]
[Oh no, he made Min self-conscious. Out of habit, Ryan reaches over to gently catch Min's wrist, and lower it until he can shift and take his hand.]
No, no, I know you didn't. And it always looks really good styled! It just caught my attention, I guess? And then I was trying not to pay attention to it and make things weird and that made them even weirder and made it harder not to pay attention to it, and...yeah.
[Cool, he's babbling now. Fuck. Auuuugh. He reaches up with his free hand to stuck a strand of his own hair behind his ear.]
Sorry. ...It does look good though. Relaxed? I dunno how to put it.
[Which is definitely because he's still over thinking how he made things weird, but. He can't really undo that at this point, so the best thing is to probably assure Min that this is a good thing even if he wasn't trying to do something.]
It's like...it's a look that doesn't usually leave the house, so seeing it out in the woods before bedtime is, y'know. ...Wild.
[If nothing else taking his hand startles Min out of the spiral of self-doubt and back into the moment. Ryan's hand is warm in his own, and while it had once been easy... Right now, out in the open, even knowing nobody's watching. It feels like his heart's going to beat right out of his chest.
His hand closes around Ryan's after a stunned few moments. It's a deliberate action. One that feels right, but it takes him a beat longer to get there than usual.]
Thanks. I can't pull off relaxed like you, but... I'm glad you like it?
[It doesn't feel like something he's about to start doing regularly, but it's nice that Ryan likes it even if Min still can't understand the appeal. He groans at the bad joke though, nudging Ryan even as he can't stop himself laughing.]
Come on, man. I thought we were having a moment.
[Stupid as it is, it kind of makes it easier to acknowledge that though. It makes things feel less strange, even if he knows they still are.]
[It's not something Ryan would ever want him to do regularly, if he's being honest. Half of the appeal is the novelty of it, that it's something Min doesn't let everyone see.
Thankfully his bit cuts some of the growing tension. He bumps Min's shoulder right back, laughing right along with him like nothing has ever been weird. It's so normal and natural for them, for just a moment.]
We can still be having a moment! This is totally still moment material.
[He can joke in a moment, right? ...Actually, probably not. At least, not this much.]
Sorry, sorry. I'll be very serious for our moment, promise.
[A smile tugs at him though, because just saying that out loud is on the sillier side of things. Whoops.]
[In contrast the smile on Min's face fades, anxiety making a rapid return as Ryan tries to be more serious. They both know where this conversation is headed, but it's not a topic he knows how to navigate at all.
He pulls his hand free of Ryan's, placing it in his lap alongside his other. He looks ahead rather than at Ryan. That's easier.]
What happens if we mess this up?
[That's his biggest fear. Far worse than his lack of dating experience, the thought of what other people will think, or the guilt that still worms its way to the surface despite his best efforts the past few months.
Min knows what it's like to lose Ryan, and he doesn't want to go through that again.]
[Ryan's face falls as Min's does. His hand feels empty without Min's in it, so he mirrors him and sets his hands in his lap, twiddling his thumbs from nervousness.]
...I don't know.
[It's definitely not the answer Min wants, but it's the most honest one Ryan has. He looks down at his hands and sighs, stretching it out as long as he can.]
I mean, I know what I would want if it didn't work? I'd want to stay, obviously. Be the kind of exes that can still be friends. But, like...in every relationship I've ever been in, I was always the one who fucked everything up. I was always the one driving someone to a gas station because they couldn't stand me anymore or getting kicked out the next morning, so...
[He shrugs, as if that finishes the sentence for him. It doesn't, but it lets him sort of reset and try again.]
...not that I think you'd, you know. I've just sucked as a boyfriend every time and like, everyone has their limit of how much of someone's bullshit they can put up with. So...I don't know what would happen? But I want to try, if...you still do.
[Ryan hasn't looked at Min this entire time, but he chances it once that's all out. He has to know how Min is taking this, or if he's just digging his own grave here.
Min isn't the only one who's scared. Ryan's terrified of this failing, even though he's never wanted anything more in his entire life.]
[It helps, in some ways, to not be the only one who feels uncertain about this. But mostly it sucks, hearing Ryan feel so bad about himself. He's sure Ryan wasnt the perfect boyfriend, knowing how messy they'd been before the train, but he's also sure that Ryan wasn't the only one at fault even if he hadn't been the one ending things.]
Of course I'd want you to stay. I don't ever want you out of my life. Not again.
I just... I don't know how to do this. Everything happened so quickly. I was just getting used to the idea of being more open about things, and then suddenly you knew everything.
I want to try, but it scares me. I don't even know that much about how straight people date each other, let alone what we're supposed to do.
[Ryan definitely isn't the one at risk of messing up here as far as Min's concerned. At least not badly enough to ruin their entire relationship.
He risks a look back at him glancing away when he sees Ryan looking as well.]
[Despite everything, his heart still flutters when Min assures him he never wants Ryan out of his life. No matter how awkward this all is, Min-Gi wants him here. He never wants him out of his life again.]
It happened even quicker than I wanted it to. Do you know how hard that is to actually pull off?
[He says it lightly, both joking and sort of not joking at all. After all, he was the one who freaked out and panicked about Min finding out first, from sharing a body of all things. Something he literally never could have predicted. He had never planned on saying anything, and then suddenly it was out in the open.
It's still weird how the world didn't totally fall apart afterwards. Even if they're awkwardly figuring things out, they're still talking about it. They're still trying.]
Most of the time straight dating is like, a guy talks to a girl at a party and make her laugh a little until she decides she wants to head back with him or give him her number. And then maybe she sticks around for a few months, but then she learns what he's actually like and bails. Or, that's how it always happened to me.
[He shrugs, like it's not a big deal and something that didn't crush him every single time it happened despite not even liking them that much.
Min looks away again, but this time Ryan doesn't avert his gaze. He places a hand on Min's elbow, not wanting to invade his space too much but still feeling the need to reach out and touch to ground him. Maybe to ground both of them.]
How about this? Tell me...how you picture it. Don't think about how it's supposed to go. Just...tell me what you think about, when you think about getting together. And we'll go from there?
[Ryan gently bites at his lower lip, not sure if this approach is actually a good one or not. Is it pushing him too much, or just enough?]
I won't laugh. I promise. ...I want to help you figure it out.
[This time, there's no waver in his voice and he isn't holding back a giggling smile. He means it more than he's ever meant anything.]
[The whole situation is strange. Stranger than either of them could ever have guessed even after the train. Even after spending months here.
It does pull a smile from him though, remembering the way they'd burst apart in a panic, each thinking they'd been the only one to give their deepest secret away that would change everything.
But Ryan's explanation of what it's like to date girls... that makes something twist in his gut that he can't quite place. Anger? Jealousy? He isn't sure. Either way, he hates the idea that they couldn't appreciate all the good things about Ryan.]
I know what you're like, Ryan. If this doesn't work, even if I'm the one who bails... I don't think it's going to be your fault.
[He's still not at the point where being gay sits totally right with himself, which isn't ideal when they're putting serious thought into dating, but... neither one of them can forget the things they'd felt when they'd been one person. Things have changed, and it's become clear they need to address it.
Ryan's touch does help though, and Min-Gi leans into it as he considers his to answer it. He's not sure if it's right, or even if Ryan will agree with him, but he does know the way he's pictured a relationship between the two of them. Truthfully he's envisioned it countless times in so many different ways, especially recently, but there's only one that's felt truly right to him.]
I... don't think I want things to change.
[He looks back over at Ryan, bracing himself for disappointment.]
Like... I don't know. Maybe we'd kiss sometimes, but mostly we'd just be the same way we've always been. Is that weird?
[There's a brief second of disappointment, only because for a moment Ryan thinks he means "I want us to stay just friends", but as he goes on Ryan eases. He starts to really understand what Min means.]
Dude, that's not weird at all. I mean...we're already closer than most people are. We kinda got a head start on a lot of what goes into a relationship, I think? So...that makes sense. What we have with kissing makes sense.
[He does neglect to add the "sometimes" that followed kissing, and he decides now isn't the time to bring up that he'd like to work their way up to fooling around someday. But what they have with kissing? That feels easy to do.]
So. If it's what we have but with kissing...do you want to try it? See if you like it?
[So casual. So nonchalant. Like their entire future isn't hanging on whether or not they like kissing each other. Like Ryan hasn't spent forever wishing he could kiss Min-Gi.]
I-I mean! That's probably a good bar, right? If you don't wind up being into it, we can just...keep doing what we already do, and maybe it'll be alright? Probably?
[And maybe, if Min-Gi doesn't wind up liking it, Ryan can be satisfied he got to kiss him even once.]
[What starts off as a relief quickly fades as Ryan suggests they kiss now. Part of him had known that was the natural progression, but to actually hear him say it...
Min-Gi forgets how to breathe for a minute, staring at Ryan with wide eyed terror. He's never kissed anyone before. What happens if Ryan thinks he's bad at it?
Or...
God.
Why is Ryan hinging it on whether he likes it? What happens if he doesn't? Are there people out there who just don't like kissing? Is that a thing that can happen? What are they supposed to do if he doesn't like it?
After a silence that stretches on for far too long, Min-Gi nods tentatively. There's only one way to know for sure, and putting it off isn't going to help him feel any less nervous.]
Yeah. If you want to.
[Totally cool. Totally casual. He edges a little closer to Ryan, trying to ignore how much it feels like his heart's about to explode.]
So what kind of kiss are we going for here...?
[This is so very, very not normal pre-kiss conversation, and even he's aware of that. He desperately doesn't want to screw this up by doing things wrong though.]
[Ryan's heart also might explode, but fortunately he's better at faking it. He has plenty of kiss practice, enough to know what kinds of things make a kiss good or bad and how that can change based on what they want.
He also knows perfectly well that Min-Gi has absolutely no idea what he's going for, but he doesn't seem to mind that either. He inches closer as well, pulling one leg out of the water and turning so they can face each other.
It is through sheer force of will that he doesn't chuckle at Min pretending to be more confident and calm about this. He promised he wouldn't laugh, and he won't, but it's very cute in the face of their first kiss.]
Shhh. I told you; I'm going to help you figure it out.
[Min-Gi doesn't have to pretend he knows what he's doing, because Ryan will gladly take the lead. Blindly, he reaches down to find one of Min's hands, so he can lace their fingers together. Their faces are already so close.]
Tilt your head a little? Opposite of me.
[Ryan shows him what to mirror, a slight tilt to the side so they won't bump noses. This puts them so close that Min will feel Ryan's words, warm against his lips.]
Follow my lead. Okay?
[Then, Ryan leans in and closes the gap between them. It's gentle, because he can't imagine a first kiss with Min-Gi not being gentle and soothing, especially when they've been so worried about everything. No tongues, no teeth - just the smallest amount of pressure and soft movement. Easy to mimic little things, like focusing his attention at Min's lower lip, and finding a simple rhythm to their motions.
But most importantly, it's slow. He takes his time with it, to gauge how Min reacts.]
[It's both reassuring and deeply intimidating to have Ryan to show him how to do this. It strangely reminds him of when they'd been young, Ryan leading then in games he'd learned from his sisters. Back before Min had started to care so much about how he looked when he tried the things he wasn't good at.
There are plenty of things Ryan can do better than him, but these days they usually stick to their strengths, letting the other pick up the slack in their weaker areas. It's strange to find himself in this position now. It's nice, but leaves him a little uncertain even if he knows Ryan isn't about to judge him.
He starts to mirror him before he's even told to, lifting one leg out of the water to face Ryan, and leaning in instinctively when he does.
He does glance around briefly, as though someone may have appeared to intrude on their private moment. There's no one there, of course. It's just as much their own quiet space as it has been the whole afternoon.
When their lips touch it's awkward and he doesn't know quite what to do, but Ryan is gentle and patient. It isn't too difficult to mimic him, and by the time they part he's almost relaxed.
Almost.
There's still a clear nervousness in his expression as he looks at Ryan to see his reaction.]
[No one's there but an entire school of luvdisc, hidden by the dark water but drawn to the moment like moths to a lamp.
When they part, Ryan is also almost relaxed. Kissing is soothing, but there's so much riding on this one that it's hard to stay in that space afterwards.]
Yeah! Yeah, I-- I never thought I'd even get to kiss you.
[He was always going to like it, because kissing just feels good. Ryan's always been a very tactile person though, so this probably isn't much of a surprise. Ryan talks about kissing Min-Gi like it's a privilege though, like it's something special to savor.]
What about you? Did you like it?
[It's so hard to keep his voice even, to not sound too desperate or too hopeful or too scared. Min will probably notice that Ryan squeezes his hand a little bit harder though, out of unspoken nervousness.]
[Min sounds a little incredulous. He knows how Ryan feels about him. He'd felt it every bit as strongly as his own feelings for Ryan while they'd been one person. Unreal as it seems at times, there's no doubting how much Ryan cares about him. How much Ryan wants to be with him.
But the idea of getting to kiss Min-Gi? That doesn't seem like much of a privilege. He should know how to kiss someone by now, but instead it's something he's studiously avoided. Something he finds himself surprisingly regretful of now he's actually done it. He knows he wasn't ready before (and maybe he still isn't), but there's a part of him that mourns the lost years where he and Ryan had kept their feelings carefully hidden.]
I liked it. I thought maybe I'd feel bad about it, but... I don't.
[It's a relief, not to feel guilty. He's sure he will if he thinks too hard about his parents and the things he knows they want from him, but mostly he's just happy. Relieved to have once again let himself pass the point where he can go back and do the things he should instead of the things he wants.]
[It was something that he'd never thought would have been a possibility even a few months ago. He didn't think it would ever happen outside of his wildest dreams, so it is incredible that he has this chance now - even if he's scared of ruining it.]
That's good. That's really good.
[Ryan raises his free hand up to cup Min's cheek, another thing he's secretly always wanted to do but could never justify. His jawline is so perfect, but that's just going to fluster him again if he says it out loud.]
I'm glad. It's not something you should have to feel bad about.
[Fuck everyone else. Ryan has wanted this more than words can say, and fuck their entire world for impressing on Min that it was ever not okay.]
[It's hard to buy it, especially when it's something Ryan's so good at already, but he's not about to ruin the moment by arguing with him. Everything already feels so fragile, and if it wasn't for Ryan's hand in his he's not sure he'd believe it was real.
He freezes when Ryan's hand comes up to cup his face. They're both used to being very physical with each other, even in ways friends usually aren't if they're somewhere private enough, but this is new. Intimate in a way neither one of them has been brave enough to try until now. He's worried his reaction will make Ryan think he doesn't like it, but he's not sure how to fix that so he just stays as he is, hoping desperately that Ryan won't move away.]
We could do it again. If you want to.
[Then, just in case that gives Ryan the wrong impression:]
I want to.
[He didn't think he'd want to again this fast. He'd thought he'd need time before he felt ready to kiss him again, but even though he's still nervous it's like a dam has broken. He wants desperately to know what it's like to feel Ryan's lips on his own once again.]
[It almost does - he wants it to be good for Min, not just something he does because Ryan wants to. But Min corrects himself and Ryan smile spreads.]
Me too.
[That's all he manages before leaning in again, kissing him with just a little more intensity. He's still keeping it simple, but he keeps his hand where it is for just a little more skin to skin contact.
Ryan could keep going for hours, already used to breathing through a kiss, but he's mindful of the fact that Min-Gi might need more air. Still, when their lips part he keeps their faces close. He finally moves his hand away, but tucks a stray strand of Min's hair behind his ear before pulling it back.
Maybe he should ask if that was still good, if this is still nice. However, a different question tumbles out of his mouth.]
Wanna try kissing me?
[Being the one to initiate it, he means. Min's had a figurative and literal taste, so maybe he'd like a chance to take the wheel.]
[Min shouldn't be surprised that it's a little more intense the second time, but it still manages to catch him off guard. It takes him a moment to start to respond, following Ryan's lead as best he can.
His instincts are right though... Min hasn't quite mastered the art of breathing through kisses. He's mostly actually been holding his breath, so he's breathless when they part, and a little flushed.]
Kissing you?
[He almost looks confused by the question. It's a daunting prospect when everything he knows about kissing are things he's only just learned, but maybe Ryan wants him to take charge. Maybe that's what he's trying to build him up to.]
Yeah. Sure. It can't be that hard, right?
[Min-Gi smiles uncertainly, lifting his hand up to brush Ryan's cheek with his thumb. It's more reminiscent of the way his mom had swiped dirt from their faces when they'd been younger than anything romantic, but then he lets his palm settle, cupping Ryan's face much like he had Min's before.
The kiss is more calculated with Min in control. He's still feeling things out, trying to remember what had felt good when Ryan had kissed him. He doesn't push beyond what Ryan had done, keeping things simple and a little hesitant, though that's something he tries to mask.]
[Min certainly doesn't have to if he's not comfortable with it. Ryan just wants to give him the space to try it for the first time while they're alone, to fumble and try while there's no reason for any pressure whatsoever.
But Min takes him up on it, and Ryan loves these little moments where he pushes past his own discomfort to try something new. Ryan knows him, and he knows it's brave of him.
Ryan leans into his touch, catlike, and lets Min try what he wants to. He's still an active participant, but he lets Min make the calls and follows his lead. In a lot of way it really feels like Min-Gi. Ryan kissed more intuitively, without a specific plan in mind, but Min-Gi is very deliberate in his movements. It's almost certainly because he's still learning, but someday he will know what he's doing and be able to find what feels good with pinpoint precision.
They part again soon enough, but Ryan is reluctant to pull too far away. He could stay within kissing range for the rest of his life.]
You're a really quick learner.
[There's a flush across Ryan's face that says this is the truth. He's doing well, and Ryan is very much enjoying himself.]
[Someone smoother might quip that Ryan's a good teacher, but that isn't Min-Gi. He's looking at Ryan the same way he used to watch their teachers as they handed out assignments he'd been worried about his grade on, waiting for his verdict. His shoulders sag with the same relief when he has assurance he didn't do terribly, but his smile is brighter than it had ever been for any school work. It's not one that Ryan hasn't seen before though. It's a smile Ryan's seen many times over the past year and a half or so. It's the same one has when Ryan likes something he's come up with for a song they're working on.]
Yeah?
[It's not disbelief, despite the question. He knows there's no chance this is the best kiss Ryan's ever had, but he also knows he isn't lying. He can tell Ryan's enjoying this, and that's nice.
Unlike Ryan, though, he's a little overwhelmed at this point. It's everything he always told himself he'd never have. Not in any way that would make him happy. Especially not with Ryan. He trusts Ryan more than he trusts himself, but it's hard not to feel like he's waiting for the other foot to drop even if he knows he's being irrational. He doesn't pull his hand from Ryan's, but he does lean back from kissing range, turning so he's facing the water again before glancing at Ryan from the corner of his eyes. That feels safer than looking at him directly right now. Even after talking he still doesn't fully know where they stand with each other. He thinks he does, but he needs to hear it from Ryan before he can be secure that's where they landed.]
[Ryan lets him pull back, but he doesn't turn back to the water. He takes his other leg out of the water and sits up a little to give Min some personal space. He pulls up a knee to use as both an arm rest and head rest, and it's cozy. They only had a couple of kisses, but Ryan feels good about this. Sure in a way that he wasn't before.
And if Min can be brave about it all, so can he. He can ask for what he needs. He smiles, a playful tilt to his voice.]
Maaaaybe we are. But.
[He nudges Min a couple of times with his foot. Min isn't looking directly at him, but Ryan is still looking at him as though he'll meet his eyes eventually.]
--only if you can ask me to my face. If we're boyfriends now, I mean.
[Ryan is trying hard to keep it light, but inside his heart is pounding. He's already berating himself for being a moron for not just jumping on something he's wanted forever, but...he needs to know Min can say it. He needs to know this is a relationship, and not just him moving into Min-Gi's closet.]
[Ryan's nudging is annoying, but it does the trick. Min-Gi looks over at him, eyes narrowed with suspicion at what the 'but' could be. Poorly disguised irritation turns to confusion at his terms. He'd just asked him, hadn't he? It doesn't seem fair to make him ask again, but Ryan is being patient with him. He's not unaware of that.
It's hard, but if that's what Ryan wants, the least he can do is ask him again. Hopefully in whatever way he's actually looking for this time.]
Are we? Boyfriends?
[He gives Ryan's hand a squeeze, both to reassure himself this is okay and to show Ryan that despite any hesitation this is what he wants. It scares him, and even now he isn't sure he's ready, but he's wanted it for so long now and it's not an opportunity he can afford to throw away without even trying.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Yeah. We should come back here. It would be nice to stay out here a few days when we can fly or something.
[The big downside is that it takes a few days to get to the spot, but it's nice. Clearly not totally unused, but not so busy they couldn't get lucky and get it to themselves for a while.
That's not really the point now though. Ryan's talking about how perfect it is, but his head's clearly not in the conversation.]
You okay, man? You're acting... weird.
[So weird.]
no subject
But then oh, no. He's been caught. He startles a little because he wasn't expecting Min to immediately call it out when they've been awkwardly dancing around each other all day, but it does get his attention back to him...not before shaking his head a little first though, as a reassurance and to force his head out of the gutter.]
Yeah, man! I'm fine!
[Except the boy who cried "I'm fine" suddenly realizes that means absolutely nothing after all the times he's done it when he wasn't.]
Really. It's not anything bad. I was just...I-I was thinking...y'know...
[That sentence could end so many ways, but ultimately Ryan blurts out the honest thought.]
...your hair looks really good like that.
no subject
I didn't do anything with it.
[It's not even modesty. He's literally done nothing. He's not sure if that even feels like a compliment when he always spends time styling it so carefully. Is there any point if Ryan thinks it looks so much better like this?
But he can't deny he must be telling the truth. Even counting the moments over the day they've both pretended to ignore, this feels like the most flustered he's seen Ryan.]
Thank you...? I didn't see the point styling it by the time we were done swimming...
[He stares awkwardly into the water. It's too dark to see his reflection now, but it's not as though he doesn't know how his own hair looks. He doesn't get it.]
no subject
No, no, I know you didn't. And it always looks really good styled! It just caught my attention, I guess? And then I was trying not to pay attention to it and make things weird and that made them even weirder and made it harder not to pay attention to it, and...yeah.
[Cool, he's babbling now. Fuck. Auuuugh. He reaches up with his free hand to stuck a strand of his own hair behind his ear.]
Sorry. ...It does look good though. Relaxed? I dunno how to put it.
[Which is definitely because he's still over thinking how he made things weird, but. He can't really undo that at this point, so the best thing is to probably assure Min that this is a good thing even if he wasn't trying to do something.]
It's like...it's a look that doesn't usually leave the house, so seeing it out in the woods before bedtime is, y'know. ...Wild.
no subject
His hand closes around Ryan's after a stunned few moments. It's a deliberate action. One that feels right, but it takes him a beat longer to get there than usual.]
Thanks. I can't pull off relaxed like you, but... I'm glad you like it?
[It doesn't feel like something he's about to start doing regularly, but it's nice that Ryan likes it even if Min still can't understand the appeal. He groans at the bad joke though, nudging Ryan even as he can't stop himself laughing.]
Come on, man. I thought we were having a moment.
[Stupid as it is, it kind of makes it easier to acknowledge that though. It makes things feel less strange, even if he knows they still are.]
no subject
Thankfully his bit cuts some of the growing tension. He bumps Min's shoulder right back, laughing right along with him like nothing has ever been weird. It's so normal and natural for them, for just a moment.]
We can still be having a moment! This is totally still moment material.
[He can joke in a moment, right? ...Actually, probably not. At least, not this much.]
Sorry, sorry. I'll be very serious for our moment, promise.
[A smile tugs at him though, because just saying that out loud is on the sillier side of things. Whoops.]
no subject
He pulls his hand free of Ryan's, placing it in his lap alongside his other. He looks ahead rather than at Ryan. That's easier.]
What happens if we mess this up?
[That's his biggest fear. Far worse than his lack of dating experience, the thought of what other people will think, or the guilt that still worms its way to the surface despite his best efforts the past few months.
Min knows what it's like to lose Ryan, and he doesn't want to go through that again.]
no subject
...I don't know.
[It's definitely not the answer Min wants, but it's the most honest one Ryan has. He looks down at his hands and sighs, stretching it out as long as he can.]
I mean, I know what I would want if it didn't work? I'd want to stay, obviously. Be the kind of exes that can still be friends. But, like...in every relationship I've ever been in, I was always the one who fucked everything up. I was always the one driving someone to a gas station because they couldn't stand me anymore or getting kicked out the next morning, so...
[He shrugs, as if that finishes the sentence for him. It doesn't, but it lets him sort of reset and try again.]
...not that I think you'd, you know. I've just sucked as a boyfriend every time and like, everyone has their limit of how much of someone's bullshit they can put up with. So...I don't know what would happen? But I want to try, if...you still do.
[Ryan hasn't looked at Min this entire time, but he chances it once that's all out. He has to know how Min is taking this, or if he's just digging his own grave here.
Min isn't the only one who's scared. Ryan's terrified of this failing, even though he's never wanted anything more in his entire life.]
no subject
[It helps, in some ways, to not be the only one who feels uncertain about this. But mostly it sucks, hearing Ryan feel so bad about himself. He's sure Ryan wasnt the perfect boyfriend, knowing how messy they'd been before the train, but he's also sure that Ryan wasn't the only one at fault even if he hadn't been the one ending things.]
Of course I'd want you to stay. I don't ever want you out of my life. Not again.
I just... I don't know how to do this. Everything happened so quickly. I was just getting used to the idea of being more open about things, and then suddenly you knew everything.
I want to try, but it scares me. I don't even know that much about how straight people date each other, let alone what we're supposed to do.
[Ryan definitely isn't the one at risk of messing up here as far as Min's concerned. At least not badly enough to ruin their entire relationship.
He risks a look back at him glancing away when he sees Ryan looking as well.]
no subject
It happened even quicker than I wanted it to. Do you know how hard that is to actually pull off?
[He says it lightly, both joking and sort of not joking at all. After all, he was the one who freaked out and panicked about Min finding out first, from sharing a body of all things. Something he literally never could have predicted. He had never planned on saying anything, and then suddenly it was out in the open.
It's still weird how the world didn't totally fall apart afterwards. Even if they're awkwardly figuring things out, they're still talking about it. They're still trying.]
Most of the time straight dating is like, a guy talks to a girl at a party and make her laugh a little until she decides she wants to head back with him or give him her number. And then maybe she sticks around for a few months, but then she learns what he's actually like and bails. Or, that's how it always happened to me.
[He shrugs, like it's not a big deal and something that didn't crush him every single time it happened despite not even liking them that much.
Min looks away again, but this time Ryan doesn't avert his gaze. He places a hand on Min's elbow, not wanting to invade his space too much but still feeling the need to reach out and touch to ground him. Maybe to ground both of them.]
How about this? Tell me...how you picture it. Don't think about how it's supposed to go. Just...tell me what you think about, when you think about getting together. And we'll go from there?
[Ryan gently bites at his lower lip, not sure if this approach is actually a good one or not. Is it pushing him too much, or just enough?]
I won't laugh. I promise. ...I want to help you figure it out.
[This time, there's no waver in his voice and he isn't holding back a giggling smile. He means it more than he's ever meant anything.]
no subject
It does pull a smile from him though, remembering the way they'd burst apart in a panic, each thinking they'd been the only one to give their deepest secret away that would change everything.
But Ryan's explanation of what it's like to date girls... that makes something twist in his gut that he can't quite place. Anger? Jealousy? He isn't sure. Either way, he hates the idea that they couldn't appreciate all the good things about Ryan.]
I know what you're like, Ryan. If this doesn't work, even if I'm the one who bails... I don't think it's going to be your fault.
[He's still not at the point where being gay sits totally right with himself, which isn't ideal when they're putting serious thought into dating, but... neither one of them can forget the things they'd felt when they'd been one person. Things have changed, and it's become clear they need to address it.
Ryan's touch does help though, and Min-Gi leans into it as he considers his to answer it. He's not sure if it's right, or even if Ryan will agree with him, but he does know the way he's pictured a relationship between the two of them. Truthfully he's envisioned it countless times in so many different ways, especially recently, but there's only one that's felt truly right to him.]
I... don't think I want things to change.
[He looks back over at Ryan, bracing himself for disappointment.]
Like... I don't know. Maybe we'd kiss sometimes, but mostly we'd just be the same way we've always been. Is that weird?
no subject
Dude, that's not weird at all. I mean...we're already closer than most people are. We kinda got a head start on a lot of what goes into a relationship, I think? So...that makes sense. What we have with kissing makes sense.
[He does neglect to add the "sometimes" that followed kissing, and he decides now isn't the time to bring up that he'd like to work their way up to fooling around someday. But what they have with kissing? That feels easy to do.]
So. If it's what we have but with kissing...do you want to try it? See if you like it?
[So casual. So nonchalant. Like their entire future isn't hanging on whether or not they like kissing each other. Like Ryan hasn't spent forever wishing he could kiss Min-Gi.]
I-I mean! That's probably a good bar, right? If you don't wind up being into it, we can just...keep doing what we already do, and maybe it'll be alright? Probably?
[And maybe, if Min-Gi doesn't wind up liking it, Ryan can be satisfied he got to kiss him even once.]
no subject
Min-Gi forgets how to breathe for a minute, staring at Ryan with wide eyed terror. He's never kissed anyone before. What happens if Ryan thinks he's bad at it?
Or...
God.
Why is Ryan hinging it on whether he likes it? What happens if he doesn't? Are there people out there who just don't like kissing? Is that a thing that can happen? What are they supposed to do if he doesn't like it?
After a silence that stretches on for far too long, Min-Gi nods tentatively. There's only one way to know for sure, and putting it off isn't going to help him feel any less nervous.]
Yeah. If you want to.
[Totally cool. Totally casual. He edges a little closer to Ryan, trying to ignore how much it feels like his heart's about to explode.]
So what kind of kiss are we going for here...?
[This is so very, very not normal pre-kiss conversation, and even he's aware of that. He desperately doesn't want to screw this up by doing things wrong though.]
no subject
He also knows perfectly well that Min-Gi has absolutely no idea what he's going for, but he doesn't seem to mind that either. He inches closer as well, pulling one leg out of the water and turning so they can face each other.
It is through sheer force of will that he doesn't chuckle at Min pretending to be more confident and calm about this. He promised he wouldn't laugh, and he won't, but it's very cute in the face of their first kiss.]
Shhh. I told you; I'm going to help you figure it out.
[Min-Gi doesn't have to pretend he knows what he's doing, because Ryan will gladly take the lead. Blindly, he reaches down to find one of Min's hands, so he can lace their fingers together. Their faces are already so close.]
Tilt your head a little? Opposite of me.
[Ryan shows him what to mirror, a slight tilt to the side so they won't bump noses. This puts them so close that Min will feel Ryan's words, warm against his lips.]
Follow my lead. Okay?
[Then, Ryan leans in and closes the gap between them. It's gentle, because he can't imagine a first kiss with Min-Gi not being gentle and soothing, especially when they've been so worried about everything. No tongues, no teeth - just the smallest amount of pressure and soft movement. Easy to mimic little things, like focusing his attention at Min's lower lip, and finding a simple rhythm to their motions.
But most importantly, it's slow. He takes his time with it, to gauge how Min reacts.]
no subject
There are plenty of things Ryan can do better than him, but these days they usually stick to their strengths, letting the other pick up the slack in their weaker areas. It's strange to find himself in this position now. It's nice, but leaves him a little uncertain even if he knows Ryan isn't about to judge him.
He starts to mirror him before he's even told to, lifting one leg out of the water to face Ryan, and leaning in instinctively when he does.
He does glance around briefly, as though someone may have appeared to intrude on their private moment. There's no one there, of course. It's just as much their own quiet space as it has been the whole afternoon.
When their lips touch it's awkward and he doesn't know quite what to do, but Ryan is gentle and patient. It isn't too difficult to mimic him, and by the time they part he's almost relaxed.
Almost.
There's still a clear nervousness in his expression as he looks at Ryan to see his reaction.]
Did you like it...?
no subject
When they part, Ryan is also almost relaxed. Kissing is soothing, but there's so much riding on this one that it's hard to stay in that space afterwards.]
Yeah! Yeah, I-- I never thought I'd even get to kiss you.
[He was always going to like it, because kissing just feels good. Ryan's always been a very tactile person though, so this probably isn't much of a surprise. Ryan talks about kissing Min-Gi like it's a privilege though, like it's something special to savor.]
What about you? Did you like it?
[It's so hard to keep his voice even, to not sound too desperate or too hopeful or too scared. Min will probably notice that Ryan squeezes his hand a little bit harder though, out of unspoken nervousness.]
no subject
[Min sounds a little incredulous. He knows how Ryan feels about him. He'd felt it every bit as strongly as his own feelings for Ryan while they'd been one person. Unreal as it seems at times, there's no doubting how much Ryan cares about him. How much Ryan wants to be with him.
But the idea of getting to kiss Min-Gi? That doesn't seem like much of a privilege. He should know how to kiss someone by now, but instead it's something he's studiously avoided. Something he finds himself surprisingly regretful of now he's actually done it. He knows he wasn't ready before (and maybe he still isn't), but there's a part of him that mourns the lost years where he and Ryan had kept their feelings carefully hidden.]
I liked it. I thought maybe I'd feel bad about it, but... I don't.
[It's a relief, not to feel guilty. He's sure he will if he thinks too hard about his parents and the things he knows they want from him, but mostly he's just happy. Relieved to have once again let himself pass the point where he can go back and do the things he should instead of the things he wants.]
no subject
[It was something that he'd never thought would have been a possibility even a few months ago. He didn't think it would ever happen outside of his wildest dreams, so it is incredible that he has this chance now - even if he's scared of ruining it.]
That's good. That's really good.
[Ryan raises his free hand up to cup Min's cheek, another thing he's secretly always wanted to do but could never justify. His jawline is so perfect, but that's just going to fluster him again if he says it out loud.]
I'm glad. It's not something you should have to feel bad about.
[Fuck everyone else. Ryan has wanted this more than words can say, and fuck their entire world for impressing on Min that it was ever not okay.]
no subject
He freezes when Ryan's hand comes up to cup his face. They're both used to being very physical with each other, even in ways friends usually aren't if they're somewhere private enough, but this is new. Intimate in a way neither one of them has been brave enough to try until now. He's worried his reaction will make Ryan think he doesn't like it, but he's not sure how to fix that so he just stays as he is, hoping desperately that Ryan won't move away.]
We could do it again. If you want to.
[Then, just in case that gives Ryan the wrong impression:]
I want to.
[He didn't think he'd want to again this fast. He'd thought he'd need time before he felt ready to kiss him again, but even though he's still nervous it's like a dam has broken. He wants desperately to know what it's like to feel Ryan's lips on his own once again.]
no subject
Me too.
[That's all he manages before leaning in again, kissing him with just a little more intensity. He's still keeping it simple, but he keeps his hand where it is for just a little more skin to skin contact.
Ryan could keep going for hours, already used to breathing through a kiss, but he's mindful of the fact that Min-Gi might need more air. Still, when their lips part he keeps their faces close. He finally moves his hand away, but tucks a stray strand of Min's hair behind his ear before pulling it back.
Maybe he should ask if that was still good, if this is still nice. However, a different question tumbles out of his mouth.]
Wanna try kissing me?
[Being the one to initiate it, he means. Min's had a figurative and literal taste, so maybe he'd like a chance to take the wheel.]
no subject
His instincts are right though... Min hasn't quite mastered the art of breathing through kisses. He's mostly actually been holding his breath, so he's breathless when they part, and a little flushed.]
Kissing you?
[He almost looks confused by the question. It's a daunting prospect when everything he knows about kissing are things he's only just learned, but maybe Ryan wants him to take charge. Maybe that's what he's trying to build him up to.]
Yeah. Sure. It can't be that hard, right?
[Min-Gi smiles uncertainly, lifting his hand up to brush Ryan's cheek with his thumb. It's more reminiscent of the way his mom had swiped dirt from their faces when they'd been younger than anything romantic, but then he lets his palm settle, cupping Ryan's face much like he had Min's before.
The kiss is more calculated with Min in control. He's still feeling things out, trying to remember what had felt good when Ryan had kissed him. He doesn't push beyond what Ryan had done, keeping things simple and a little hesitant, though that's something he tries to mask.]
no subject
But Min takes him up on it, and Ryan loves these little moments where he pushes past his own discomfort to try something new. Ryan knows him, and he knows it's brave of him.
Ryan leans into his touch, catlike, and lets Min try what he wants to. He's still an active participant, but he lets Min make the calls and follows his lead. In a lot of way it really feels like Min-Gi. Ryan kissed more intuitively, without a specific plan in mind, but Min-Gi is very deliberate in his movements. It's almost certainly because he's still learning, but someday he will know what he's doing and be able to find what feels good with pinpoint precision.
They part again soon enough, but Ryan is reluctant to pull too far away. He could stay within kissing range for the rest of his life.]
You're a really quick learner.
[There's a flush across Ryan's face that says this is the truth. He's doing well, and Ryan is very much enjoying himself.]
no subject
Yeah?
[It's not disbelief, despite the question. He knows there's no chance this is the best kiss Ryan's ever had, but he also knows he isn't lying. He can tell Ryan's enjoying this, and that's nice.
Unlike Ryan, though, he's a little overwhelmed at this point. It's everything he always told himself he'd never have. Not in any way that would make him happy. Especially not with Ryan. He trusts Ryan more than he trusts himself, but it's hard not to feel like he's waiting for the other foot to drop even if he knows he's being irrational. He doesn't pull his hand from Ryan's, but he does lean back from kissing range, turning so he's facing the water again before glancing at Ryan from the corner of his eyes. That feels safer than looking at him directly right now. Even after talking he still doesn't fully know where they stand with each other. He thinks he does, but he needs to hear it from Ryan before he can be secure that's where they landed.]
So... We're boyfriends now?
no subject
And if Min can be brave about it all, so can he. He can ask for what he needs. He smiles, a playful tilt to his voice.]
Maaaaybe we are. But.
[He nudges Min a couple of times with his foot. Min isn't looking directly at him, but Ryan is still looking at him as though he'll meet his eyes eventually.]
--only if you can ask me to my face. If we're boyfriends now, I mean.
[Ryan is trying hard to keep it light, but inside his heart is pounding. He's already berating himself for being a moron for not just jumping on something he's wanted forever, but...he needs to know Min can say it. He needs to know this is a relationship, and not just him moving into Min-Gi's closet.]
no subject
It's hard, but if that's what Ryan wants, the least he can do is ask him again. Hopefully in whatever way he's actually looking for this time.]
Are we? Boyfriends?
[He gives Ryan's hand a squeeze, both to reassure himself this is okay and to show Ryan that despite any hesitation this is what he wants. It scares him, and even now he isn't sure he's ready, but he's wanted it for so long now and it's not an opportunity he can afford to throw away without even trying.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)