[Even a few minutes ago Ryan thought it might have sent Min spiraling. Just because Min is gay doesn't mean he would appreciate advances from Ryan, even if those "advances" were just oversharing while sharing a body.
But it's working out, slowly. They're talking, and that's usually better. ...Except when they were a couple of scared twelve year olds.]
It's alright. I mean...it was years ago now. And if things didn't happen the way they did, we wouldn't be here now, right? Sitting in a tub again...talking about our big gay crushes on each other...
[He isn't sure that's enough though. It's still kind of flippant, because his impulse is always to try and make Min laugh through uncomfortable things, but...Now that it's out of his mouth, he's less sure.
So, he squeezes Min's hand.]
I mean it. It's seriously not your fault. ...It was my call and I cared more about not losing you forever, so...that was that.
[It makes it sound so trivial when it's something that sounds like it's tormented both of them for years. Mostly because of him, whether Ryan blames him for it or not.]
You wouldn't have lost me forever. [Or at least he hopes not, because that thought is unbearable.] Just... it would've taken me a while. I still don't know if I'm ready to actually be with someone.
[That's a confession that makes him almost as nervous as telling Ryan he had feelings for him in the first place. There's a part of him that wants to, but dating is just so far from anything he has experience with. No one else even knows he's gay. It feels unfair to keep Ryan pulled back in the closet with him when he's always so unapologetically himself.]
[Ryan doesn't address whether Min would have ditched him or not, because there's no way for them to ever really know and he doesn't want to have to think about it. It's suffocating, but it's not something they ever need to know for sure.
The rest of it though, that steals the air right out of Ryan's lungs. Maybe this isn't the fairytale ending it was starting to feel like. Maybe they can both really like each other and Min still might not...want this.
(He supposes that makes sense. Min doesn't know much about it, but Ryan hasn't historically been a great boyfriend. Anyone would hesitate at starting something serious with him; he's sure of it.)
He's been quiet just a little too long and he can feel it in the air between them.]
Well.
[It feels so heavy in his throat, but he pushes forward anyway.]
...I'm here whenever you are? If you ever are, I mean. I-I don't want to make it sound like you have to be. Either way, I'm not going anywhere.
[Unless Min wants him to, of course, but he gets the impression that isn't the case. This revelation hurts, but it's a hurt he can live with. It's a hurt that was always under the surface anyway, when he thought Min was straight.]
[The silence is deafening. Min-Gi watches him from the corner of his eyes, waiting for some kind of response. His hand feels warm against his own, but it isn't comforting anymore. It feels like one of them should let go, but pulling away now will probably only be more hurtful.
It isn't as bad as it could be when Ryan finally does reply, but the hurt still twists in his gut. He can hear the sadness in his voice, and he hates it. He hates knowing he's the one who upset him.]
I want to be! I'm just... scared. I've never dated a guy before. [There's a self-deprecating little huff.] I've never dated anyone.
[It would be so easy to mess it up, and while he feels like he would be safer with Ryan in some ways... there's so much more to lose.]
[Ryan is trying really hard to not indulge in what he actually wants to do, which is completely shut off all of his feelings and act like it doesn't matter than he's technically being rejected here. It's not like Min would really believe him at this point anyway.]
I've never had something serious with a guy. And girls...it was always a disaster.
[With guys it was always a one night stand, and with girls it never lasted. They always got sick of him and left. And the last thing he wants is for Min to get sick of him and leave.
He finally lets go of Min's hand so he can reach up to put a hand on his shoulder.]
I get it though. It's scary, and you need time. It's-- fine. It's okay. Really. I mean...as long as you're cool with the fact that we did this all backwards and live together?
[The truth is, Ryan is a little scared too. Is something that was so normal suddenly going to be uncomfortable and weird? Ugh, he hopes not. And what happens if Min realizes he's a shitty partner and they wind up the way of Fleetwood Mac? Ryan isn't not worried about it, but he won't know if it's something to worry about unless they try.
He can wait though. He has to wait, or he'll lose Min by rushing him. He has to wait and it has to be okay.]
I'm here for you. And if that means waiting, then it means waiting.
[Min-Gi smiles tentatively. It doesn't change that he's nervous, but it's suddenly a lot less scary with some reassurance from Ryan. He's there for him, just like he always is, and that goes a long way.]
Thank you. You're a good... [Friend? Is that still the right thing to call him...? His smile becomes just a touch more tense.] Thanks.
[Things are going to change, but he doesn't think he minds that. Everything has changed so much the past few years of their lives, but even with everything they've been through things have been better in the times he's had Ryan by his side. This is a little different, but that feels like one thing that will be the same.]
I don't want to not live with you. Even if it is backwards. I don't want anything to change.
[Which is maybe unfair to ask, but if Ryan pulls away while he figures himself out he knows how miserable he'll be. Their closeness is important to him, and he doesn't want to lose that.]
[He almost wants to laugh. This whole weird situation doesn't mean they aren't friends, but it feels like so much to chide Min for it out loud. So, he meets Min's awkward smile with one of his own.]
Yeah, man. No problem.
[Everything after that is a relief, almost. Their living situation isn't changing. Nothing about how they are right now is changing except for this looming knowledge they both have now of how they feel.
He would have understood too, if it did have to change. If he needed space without Ryan over here being so open about himself and crushing on him at the same time. Ryan knows he can be too much even under normal circumstances. But (maybe selfishly) he's glad that isn't the case. It's enough to give him a little hope that this might work out, at least for now.]
It's totally okay. Really. And you can talk to me too? It's not something you have to figure out alone.
[It's a relief to know Ryan's okay with that. He's not unaware they've always been closer than most friends, but it's always been easy to pretend that's because of how long they've known each other. How many other best friends have known each other their entire lives? Of course they're comfortable around each other.
Now it feels different. Like they've both been making excuses to pretend they don't feel the way they do while still always being around each other.]
It's hard to talk about. I've spent so long hiding the way I feel it's strange to actually say it.
[The way he feels about men. About Ryan. How bad he feels every time his parents try to talk to him about girls.
Especially to someone who doesn't understand it. Ryan's sympathetic, but he doesn't get it. He can't.
Unless...
He turns to look at him again.]
What if I show you?
[This might be the one time Ryan can ever really experience his feelings the way Min does. There's nothing left to hide now, so why not?]
[Of all the suggestions Min could have come up with, Ryan absolutely didn't see this one coming. It takes Ryan a second to realize what he means, because...how could Min want to, after all of this?
But Ryan does. Even though his heart is full of so many things, good and bad, he wants that feeling of being intertwined with Min in the same body. He craves that warm feeling they had just moments ago, a feeling he could never have even imagined until today.]
I...guess it couldn't hurt, right?
[Ryan pushes himself upright and steps out of the tub, on the grounds that it would probably be pretty tough to sync together in there, but he turns around and offers Min a hand up.]
Well? C'mon. Show me.
[Light and airy like this is all nothing, like he isn't trying to swallow the dark pit of imagined reasons Min wouldn't want to do this again.]
[Maybe. Terrified as Min is of dating Ryan, the possibility is exciting too.
He lets Ryan pull him up, for once not trying to ignore the butterflies he gets when he feels Ryan's weird guitar strength first hand.
He steps out of the tub, then moves in close to Ryan almost unthinkingly. He gives him an embarrassed smile as he hugs him, feeling a lot more nervous about the intimacy of it now the truth is out there.]
I still don't know how this works... Should we sing again?
[It's a fluid motion from tugging Min up to hugging him, and even though it happens with practiced ease it still feels different in a way Ryan can't describe.
He's starting to think he gets how this works, sort of, but he isn't confident enough to say so outright. Maybe if it works this time he'll pitch a theory later. For now though, he just nods.]
Yeah! Yeah, let's sing.
[Ryan lets his eyes flutter shut for a moment, but then unexpectedly he chuckles.]
Wow, I totally don't remember where we left off in the other one. So...how about a classic?
[He breathes in deep, and then--]
♪ Hit rock bottom and you're acting tough Find yourself never good enough Must be nice, to feel as light as air~ ♪
[Min-Gi blinks when Ryan laughs, but he can't help chuckling when he explains. Honestly, Min can't remember either at this point either.
He's not sure what he expects when Ryan starts singing, but once he starts it makes sense to him. Sure they've written other songs, but what's more them? It's easy to jump in with the next verse.]
♪ Same routine day in and out No idea what it's all about Must be nice to live without a care ♪
[He's confident Ryan will join in for the next part, and his smile grows as he continues to sing.]
[Ryan smiles too, his heart fluttering seeing Min so enthusiastic and happy. He joins right in on the chorus, just like he has for so many shows. It's a song that means everything to them, that sums up so much of what they've been through.]
♪ Train to nowhere At least you're there... ♪
[He pulls Min closer, close enough to breathe him in, and the barriers between them disappear in a flash of white light.
When it's over, they're one singular person again. One large, purple, Ryan-and-Min. The bathroom is only so big, so they immediately catch sight of themselves in the mirror again. For the most part they look the same, but there are a few more individual red and blue patches to their outfit, places that didn't meld together completely.]
Ha! We're getting pretty good at this!
[They pat themselves on the shoulder, clearly proud that they're adjusting to all of this, but then they consider their reflection in the mirror - as though it might feel more like a conversation if they do so. They place a hand on their chest.]
No idea how to do this, but...ready?
[There are a lot of swirling, uncertain parts inside of them, but they did say they would try this, so...here they are, trying, whether it's a good idea or not.]
[They feel... love. Unrepressed now there's nothing else left to hide from themself.
They aren't so sure of their plan now that it actually comes down to it though. They don't feel like Min anymore. Not completely. And they're not sure they can keep themself together if they try too hard to be him.]
Let's see...
[They look at themself in the mirror, then look away again. It feels easier to get distracted than it was before.
Maybe they can compromise. They've been together their whole lives. Ryan's seen so much of Min's life even if he's never lived it.
They think back to the times they've spent alone together, Min casting secretive glances at Ryan, knowing that he shouldn't. It had happened so many times over the years. Back in high school while Ryan showed off in recess. On the train until Kez inevitably interrupted. While they were supposed to be sleeping in some dingy motel room or the back of Ryan's van. Min had always felt a deep sense of longing, but had held back on fully acknowledging what it was.
They remember the times that Ryan had been allowed to stay over for dinner with the Parks. How Min's mother had beamed with pride when he'd clear away the plates without her asking, telling him what a good boy he was. How lucky his wife would be. They remember the excitement in her eyes for her son's future marriage, and the clawing dread of the inevitable. The guilt. How much Min-Gi wished he could live up to that, but already knew it was never going to make him happy.
Some memories creep in where he was alone. (Was their mind always this scattered?) Overheard comments on the street or in the diner. Not about him, of course. Min-Gi worked so hard to make sure no one would ever say things like that about him. They remember Min lying awake in the dead of night, willing his mind to change somehow. They remember reading the hated article. Almost sixteen and desperate to believe he wouldn't feel this way forever.
They can feel themselves at risk of breaking them apart again, so they stop, taking a steadying breath as they look back in the mirror. They aren't Min-Gi. Not completely. They reach inside, searching for the other part of them.]
[Their mind has always been this scattered, or at least Ryan's has. Their shared memories push and pull, sparking new additions as one thought sparks another and another.
For every secretive glance Min cast Ryan's way, there's a different memory of Ryan doing the same. In middle school at the diner. Being wallflowers together at a school dance because slow dancing wasn't even a possibility. Here in the Pokémon world, curled up in a hammock together as if there was no where else they would rather be, when Ryan is sure Min is asleep.
They miss the Parks. They remember those dinners and they come with echoes of other feelings, of wanting to belong with them. Different from how Min-Gi wanted to please them, a longing for something that wasn't really his. There's a memory of drying dishes at the sink with Min, a secret pleasure in knowing where the plates and glasses go in his house. If Ryan had been a girl, maybe they would have said Ryan would be lucky, but then he shakes away the thought because it's not like two dudes can get married. An older memory echoes that sentiment and adds that it isn't like anyone would stick around long enough anyway.
For every comment they remember from Min, there's another waiting in line from Ryan. Some asshole in high school Ryan never bothered mentioning, name already forgotten. Ryan nursing a hot coffee and nothing else at some shitty gas station listening to someone with opinions that are a little too loud about a supposed "gay cancer", oblivious to him being there. A huge fight with a girl in his van about who he was or wasn't looking at, ripping apart his identity every step of the way until she demanded he let her out of the car. They remember intense rejection, and chucking a magazine in the garbage even though the important parts were all burned into their brain forever.
The biggest mistake Bowie ever made was being exactly like Ryan.
All of these swirl with Min-Gi's memories, not just intertwining but skipping like a scratched record from moment to moment. Their head is spinning, and they grip the side of the sink as they look in the mirror, searching for someone they can't quite see.]
I...we're okay. It's a lot, but...I'm a lot. We're a lot.
[First self-deprecating, then literally. They are literally two people; they are objectively going to be "a lot".]
[The back and forth of memories leaves their mind swirling. A stark reminder they're a them, formed from two very different people. They don't feel quite the same as either of them.
They frown, not liking to hear them talk about themself like that. They reach up to touch their arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze.]
We're fine. [Wait. That wasn't what they meant.] You're fine. You're better than fine.
[They don't like the things they picked up from the part they hadn't known. Some of it had been fine, but other memories... Others made them mad.]
You know there's nothing wrong with you, right? If people can't appreciate you for who you are they don't deserve to stick around.
[It's maybe a bit rich coming from him considering he's the one holding them back right now, but it feels important to say. Even if the sudden clarity of being Min threatens to break them apart again.]
Those memories leave a negative fog inside them that lingers and obscures. If they try and feel for the separate parts that make them them, there's one that suddenly feels...wrong.
It feels far away.
This almost splits them apart. There's a flash of light and they can feel the pull, but before it happens completely they snap themselves back together like a rubber band, gasping like they just woke up from a nightmare.]
--We're fine. Yeah.
[Except, it doesn't make that pit of awful go away. There's no relief, nothing magic has been said that makes it all better. It's just there inside them, this gross self-hatred in their shared body.]
...Yeah.
[The whirlwind of memories has slowed, but now that they aren't hitting the breaks anymore some things are coming up again. Little flashes of people who didn't stick around or think he was worth much - girls, guys, family, people underpaying him at gigs. It all goes by dizzyingly fast, but it lands on a clear memory of one of his sisters - Nancy, age thirteen or so. She's telling someone a story they've since forgotten with time and Ryan keeps trying to chime in, but it just makes her angry and she snaps at him:
"Ugh, Ryan! Not everything has to be about you!"]
--Sorry. This is supposed to be for Min to show what it's like. What we...no. What he feels like.
[It hurts, feeling themselves like this. Especially after they almost split. Why do they hate themselves so much? Why can't they see themselves for the amazing person they are?
Suddenly fine feels more like an insult than the reassurance it was meant to be, and they find themselves at a loss for how to make it better.]
I didn't mean it like that...
[They hadn't, but their mind is full of Ryan's lack of self-worth and they hate it. They're wrong, but they want to understand how Ryan feels too. To truly understand it isn't always as easy for him as he makes it seem.]
It doesn't just have to be about him. It's about us.
[They know it wasn't. Carefully, they move to let go of their arm, so they can take their own hand and lace their fingers together. It's the closest they can come to holding hands with themselves.
It's hard to unify enough into a thought, and if Ryan asserts himself too much they'll rip apart again. But...this helps. Holding hands helps. Thoughts flicker to all of the odd ways they've held hands over the years, because it doesn't count if you just hold the back of someone's hand, right? Even if you curl your fingers over theirs, it's still not holding hands.]
...I like being us.
[And it's true. There's a little bloom of warmth, even though the self loathing isn't fully gone. That would take so much more than one conversation, but they like how they feel when they're together this way.
At first they don't know what they could think about or where they could steer things from here, but thoughts and memories don't necessarily come preplanned. They just happen sometimes, and they drift to other moments like this.
Like when in a sentient castle, after Ryan told Min the train knew he was garbage as if it was a statement of fact that he had hidden all this time, Min still decided he wanted to play with him. He still sat with Ryan and gently explained it was just a bad thought and nothing more. Ryan's heart fluttering when Min refused to leave him behind. They can feel how warm his face was, and how happy he felt playing the silly song they wrote when they were six in the most bizarre situation they possibly could.
Ryan doesn't always like himself, and definitely doesn't always love himself, but he's loved Min-Gi so much. Being with him feels good. He feels like someone actually sees him and cares about him and wants to be with him.]
[They almost wish they could hold hands properly, but they aren't ready to let go of this yet, and they know they'll have plenty of chances to from now on. They won't even have to pretend it's something other than what it is.]
I like being us too.
[They aren't sure exactly what they mean by that. Whether they mean being them together, or them apart. Maybe it's both.
It is nice to feel the warmth within themselves, knowing the part of them that's Ryan is feeling a little better. It's nice to feel how much they love the part of them that's Min, and how much he's actually helped.
Especially since Ryan has helped Min too. Without him they wouldn't exist. Min-Gi would be off at uni, studying something he hates and preparing himself for a life they know he'd hate. He hadn't always appreciated how pushy Ryan was, but once he understood what Min was scared of he'd supported him in ways he'd never known he needed.
They remember abandoning Ryan. The hurt of being left behind themself. They remember how lonely they'd been in Powell Lake, losing touch with even the friends that had stayed in town after graduation. Everything had felt so hollow after he'd gone. They remember how scared Min had been when they'd finally escaped the train and they did their first real performance, but Ryan had been there, making sure he knew everything would be okay. They think about how Ryan checks in with him on stage even now, subtle looks and gestures that don't seem like much from the outside but mean the world to Min-Gi.]
I don't know what's going to happen when this weekend's over, but no matter what, there's always going to be an us.
[Maybe not romantically just yet, but they can't imagine a life without each other. They understand that now more than ever.]
[The memory of battle of the bands is a tough one. The memories intertwine, and that abandonment doesn't just feel like hurt - it feels like something final and insurmountable. A clear rejection. And without Min, there was nothing left for him there. Even their family didn't see them off - not the first time and not the last time.
The Chicken Choice Judy shirt had meant so much. It wasn't just a shirt, it was Min saying his idea was good and worthwhile, and giving him a tangible sign of that. It felt like a promise, even if it was immediately broken.
They recall that Ryan casually said it shrank in the wash, except now they recall Ryan parked outside of a laundromat and crying for almost an hour because he fucking shrank it because of course he did, of course he fucked up the last thing he had of Min's by doing his laundry wrong like a moron.
They take a deep, steadying breath. Things are better now. It's just-- a thought. An old thought. But everything did feel hollow when they were apart, Min's right about that. Everything was awful and wrong and they never want to feel alone like that again.
They remember wondering if Min was ready for that first show, and being so proud of him once it was over and done. They remember wondering now and then how much rushing is too much rushing, only to be proven by Min that they were really ready this time.
Min always looks so handsome on stage under all of the lights, but it isn't just from looks. Ryan glances to check in on him, and what he sees is that Min is happy. They want that more than anything else in the entire world.]
Always. Hm, what's that saying~?
[They pretend to think for a moment and then they grin into the mirror.]
You stuck with me, so now you're stuck with me!
[From famous philosopher Min-Gi Park, shortly after chucking his keys out the window of a castle.]
[They laugh as they remember, recalling how free they'd felt after holding themselves back from what they wanted for so long. It had been exhilarating, like the chains had fallen from them and they could finally be whatever they wanted. The uncertainty had felt exciting and full of possibilities, and now they understand it had paid off.
They can be Chicken Choice Judy, and they can be Min-Gi and Ryan. They can succeed, and they can be happy. They still have a lot to lose if they ever make it home this time, but for now it doesn't seem so scary to let themselves be them.]
Always. But for now... we should make the most of it while we can be me, right?
[They won't be them in their current form for long, and that makes part of them sad. Even so, they're grateful. If it wasn't for them then the truth would still be hidden away for who knows how much longer. Maybe forever.]
[Something feels so light in them with that thought. It's a much better one, but it feels more like a promise to themselves, and it makes their heart flutter.]
Yeah! Totally.
[They look down and flex their fingers - after all of this, they feel more in sync than they were before, less concerned with who is moving what.]
Hm...time to bug the cats, I think.
[Two thoughts, circling around each other - they probably need to show Strut and Vogue they aren't scary, but also Strut and Vogue's reactions are going to be very, very funny. Both can be true!]
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no subject
But it's working out, slowly. They're talking, and that's usually better. ...Except when they were a couple of scared twelve year olds.]
It's alright. I mean...it was years ago now. And if things didn't happen the way they did, we wouldn't be here now, right? Sitting in a tub again...talking about our big gay crushes on each other...
[He isn't sure that's enough though. It's still kind of flippant, because his impulse is always to try and make Min laugh through uncomfortable things, but...Now that it's out of his mouth, he's less sure.
So, he squeezes Min's hand.]
I mean it. It's seriously not your fault. ...It was my call and I cared more about not losing you forever, so...that was that.
no subject
[It makes it sound so trivial when it's something that sounds like it's tormented both of them for years. Mostly because of him, whether Ryan blames him for it or not.]
You wouldn't have lost me forever. [Or at least he hopes not, because that thought is unbearable.] Just... it would've taken me a while. I still don't know if I'm ready to actually be with someone.
[That's a confession that makes him almost as nervous as telling Ryan he had feelings for him in the first place. There's a part of him that wants to, but dating is just so far from anything he has experience with. No one else even knows he's gay. It feels unfair to keep Ryan pulled back in the closet with him when he's always so unapologetically himself.]
no subject
The rest of it though, that steals the air right out of Ryan's lungs. Maybe this isn't the fairytale ending it was starting to feel like. Maybe they can both really like each other and Min still might not...want this.
(He supposes that makes sense. Min doesn't know much about it, but Ryan hasn't historically been a great boyfriend. Anyone would hesitate at starting something serious with him; he's sure of it.)
He's been quiet just a little too long and he can feel it in the air between them.]
Well.
[It feels so heavy in his throat, but he pushes forward anyway.]
...I'm here whenever you are? If you ever are, I mean. I-I don't want to make it sound like you have to be. Either way, I'm not going anywhere.
[Unless Min wants him to, of course, but he gets the impression that isn't the case. This revelation hurts, but it's a hurt he can live with. It's a hurt that was always under the surface anyway, when he thought Min was straight.]
no subject
It isn't as bad as it could be when Ryan finally does reply, but the hurt still twists in his gut. He can hear the sadness in his voice, and he hates it. He hates knowing he's the one who upset him.]
I want to be! I'm just... scared. I've never dated a guy before. [There's a self-deprecating little huff.] I've never dated anyone.
[It would be so easy to mess it up, and while he feels like he would be safer with Ryan in some ways... there's so much more to lose.]
no subject
I've never had something serious with a guy. And girls...it was always a disaster.
[With guys it was always a one night stand, and with girls it never lasted. They always got sick of him and left. And the last thing he wants is for Min to get sick of him and leave.
He finally lets go of Min's hand so he can reach up to put a hand on his shoulder.]
I get it though. It's scary, and you need time. It's-- fine. It's okay. Really. I mean...as long as you're cool with the fact that we did this all backwards and live together?
[The truth is, Ryan is a little scared too. Is something that was so normal suddenly going to be uncomfortable and weird? Ugh, he hopes not. And what happens if Min realizes he's a shitty partner and they wind up the way of Fleetwood Mac? Ryan isn't not worried about it, but he won't know if it's something to worry about unless they try.
He can wait though. He has to wait, or he'll lose Min by rushing him. He has to wait and it has to be okay.]
I'm here for you. And if that means waiting, then it means waiting.
no subject
Thank you. You're a good... [Friend? Is that still the right thing to call him...? His smile becomes just a touch more tense.] Thanks.
[Things are going to change, but he doesn't think he minds that. Everything has changed so much the past few years of their lives, but even with everything they've been through things have been better in the times he's had Ryan by his side. This is a little different, but that feels like one thing that will be the same.]
I don't want to not live with you. Even if it is backwards. I don't want anything to change.
[Which is maybe unfair to ask, but if Ryan pulls away while he figures himself out he knows how miserable he'll be. Their closeness is important to him, and he doesn't want to lose that.]
Is that okay? Just for a little while?
no subject
Yeah, man. No problem.
[Everything after that is a relief, almost. Their living situation isn't changing. Nothing about how they are right now is changing except for this looming knowledge they both have now of how they feel.
He would have understood too, if it did have to change. If he needed space without Ryan over here being so open about himself and crushing on him at the same time. Ryan knows he can be too much even under normal circumstances. But (maybe selfishly) he's glad that isn't the case. It's enough to give him a little hope that this might work out, at least for now.]
It's totally okay. Really. And you can talk to me too? It's not something you have to figure out alone.
no subject
Now it feels different. Like they've both been making excuses to pretend they don't feel the way they do while still always being around each other.]
It's hard to talk about. I've spent so long hiding the way I feel it's strange to actually say it.
[The way he feels about men. About Ryan. How bad he feels every time his parents try to talk to him about girls.
Especially to someone who doesn't understand it. Ryan's sympathetic, but he doesn't get it. He can't.
Unless...
He turns to look at him again.]
What if I show you?
[This might be the one time Ryan can ever really experience his feelings the way Min does. There's nothing left to hide now, so why not?]
no subject
But Ryan does. Even though his heart is full of so many things, good and bad, he wants that feeling of being intertwined with Min in the same body. He craves that warm feeling they had just moments ago, a feeling he could never have even imagined until today.]
I...guess it couldn't hurt, right?
[Ryan pushes himself upright and steps out of the tub, on the grounds that it would probably be pretty tough to sync together in there, but he turns around and offers Min a hand up.]
Well? C'mon. Show me.
[Light and airy like this is all nothing, like he isn't trying to swallow the dark pit of imagined reasons Min wouldn't want to do this again.]
no subject
[Maybe. Terrified as Min is of dating Ryan, the possibility is exciting too.
He lets Ryan pull him up, for once not trying to ignore the butterflies he gets when he feels Ryan's weird guitar strength first hand.
He steps out of the tub, then moves in close to Ryan almost unthinkingly. He gives him an embarrassed smile as he hugs him, feeling a lot more nervous about the intimacy of it now the truth is out there.]
I still don't know how this works... Should we sing again?
no subject
He's starting to think he gets how this works, sort of, but he isn't confident enough to say so outright. Maybe if it works this time he'll pitch a theory later. For now though, he just nods.]
Yeah! Yeah, let's sing.
[Ryan lets his eyes flutter shut for a moment, but then unexpectedly he chuckles.]
Wow, I totally don't remember where we left off in the other one. So...how about a classic?
[He breathes in deep, and then--]
♪ Hit rock bottom and you're acting tough
Find yourself never good enough
Must be nice, to feel as light as air~ ♪
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He's not sure what he expects when Ryan starts singing, but once he starts it makes sense to him. Sure they've written other songs, but what's more them? It's easy to jump in with the next verse.]
♪ Same routine day in and out
No idea what it's all about
Must be nice to live without a care ♪
[He's confident Ryan will join in for the next part, and his smile grows as he continues to sing.]
♪ Train to nowhere
Train to nowhere... ♪
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♪ Train to nowhere
At least you're there... ♪
[He pulls Min closer, close enough to breathe him in, and the barriers between them disappear in a flash of white light.
When it's over, they're one singular person again. One large, purple, Ryan-and-Min. The bathroom is only so big, so they immediately catch sight of themselves in the mirror again. For the most part they look the same, but there are a few more individual red and blue patches to their outfit, places that didn't meld together completely.]
Ha! We're getting pretty good at this!
[They pat themselves on the shoulder, clearly proud that they're adjusting to all of this, but then they consider their reflection in the mirror - as though it might feel more like a conversation if they do so. They place a hand on their chest.]
No idea how to do this, but...ready?
[There are a lot of swirling, uncertain parts inside of them, but they did say they would try this, so...here they are, trying, whether it's a good idea or not.]
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They aren't so sure of their plan now that it actually comes down to it though. They don't feel like Min anymore. Not completely. And they're not sure they can keep themself together if they try too hard to be him.]
Let's see...
[They look at themself in the mirror, then look away again. It feels easier to get distracted than it was before.
Maybe they can compromise. They've been together their whole lives. Ryan's seen so much of Min's life even if he's never lived it.
They think back to the times they've spent alone together, Min casting secretive glances at Ryan, knowing that he shouldn't. It had happened so many times over the years. Back in high school while Ryan showed off in recess. On the train until Kez inevitably interrupted. While they were supposed to be sleeping in some dingy motel room or the back of Ryan's van. Min had always felt a deep sense of longing, but had held back on fully acknowledging what it was.
They remember the times that Ryan had been allowed to stay over for dinner with the Parks. How Min's mother had beamed with pride when he'd clear away the plates without her asking, telling him what a good boy he was. How lucky his wife would be. They remember the excitement in her eyes for her son's future marriage, and the clawing dread of the inevitable. The guilt. How much Min-Gi wished he could live up to that, but already knew it was never going to make him happy.
Some memories creep in where he was alone. (Was their mind always this scattered?) Overheard comments on the street or in the diner. Not about him, of course. Min-Gi worked so hard to make sure no one would ever say things like that about him. They remember Min lying awake in the dead of night, willing his mind to change somehow. They remember reading the hated article. Almost sixteen and desperate to believe he wouldn't feel this way forever.
They can feel themselves at risk of breaking them apart again, so they stop, taking a steadying breath as they look back in the mirror. They aren't Min-Gi. Not completely. They reach inside, searching for the other part of them.]
I'm sorry. I know it's messed up.
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For every secretive glance Min cast Ryan's way, there's a different memory of Ryan doing the same. In middle school at the diner. Being wallflowers together at a school dance because slow dancing wasn't even a possibility. Here in the Pokémon world, curled up in a hammock together as if there was no where else they would rather be, when Ryan is sure Min is asleep.
They miss the Parks. They remember those dinners and they come with echoes of other feelings, of wanting to belong with them. Different from how Min-Gi wanted to please them, a longing for something that wasn't really his. There's a memory of drying dishes at the sink with Min, a secret pleasure in knowing where the plates and glasses go in his house. If Ryan had been a girl, maybe they would have said Ryan would be lucky, but then he shakes away the thought because it's not like two dudes can get married. An older memory echoes that sentiment and adds that it isn't like anyone would stick around long enough anyway.
For every comment they remember from Min, there's another waiting in line from Ryan. Some asshole in high school Ryan never bothered mentioning, name already forgotten. Ryan nursing a hot coffee and nothing else at some shitty gas station listening to someone with opinions that are a little too loud about a supposed "gay cancer", oblivious to him being there. A huge fight with a girl in his van about who he was or wasn't looking at, ripping apart his identity every step of the way until she demanded he let her out of the car. They remember intense rejection, and chucking a magazine in the garbage even though the important parts were all burned into their brain forever.
The biggest mistake Bowie ever made was being exactly like Ryan.
All of these swirl with Min-Gi's memories, not just intertwining but skipping like a scratched record from moment to moment. Their head is spinning, and they grip the side of the sink as they look in the mirror, searching for someone they can't quite see.]
I...we're okay. It's a lot, but...I'm a lot. We're a lot.
[First self-deprecating, then literally. They are literally two people; they are objectively going to be "a lot".]
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They frown, not liking to hear them talk about themself like that. They reach up to touch their arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze.]
We're fine. [Wait. That wasn't what they meant.] You're fine. You're better than fine.
[They don't like the things they picked up from the part they hadn't known. Some of it had been fine, but other memories... Others made them mad.]
You know there's nothing wrong with you, right? If people can't appreciate you for who you are they don't deserve to stick around.
[It's maybe a bit rich coming from him considering he's the one holding them back right now, but it feels important to say. Even if the sudden clarity of being Min threatens to break them apart again.]
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Those memories leave a negative fog inside them that lingers and obscures. If they try and feel for the separate parts that make them them, there's one that suddenly feels...wrong.
It feels far away.
This almost splits them apart. There's a flash of light and they can feel the pull, but before it happens completely they snap themselves back together like a rubber band, gasping like they just woke up from a nightmare.]
--We're fine. Yeah.
[Except, it doesn't make that pit of awful go away. There's no relief, nothing magic has been said that makes it all better. It's just there inside them, this gross self-hatred in their shared body.]
...Yeah.
[The whirlwind of memories has slowed, but now that they aren't hitting the breaks anymore some things are coming up again. Little flashes of people who didn't stick around or think he was worth much - girls, guys, family, people underpaying him at gigs. It all goes by dizzyingly fast, but it lands on a clear memory of one of his sisters - Nancy, age thirteen or so. She's telling someone a story they've since forgotten with time and Ryan keeps trying to chime in, but it just makes her angry and she snaps at him:
"Ugh, Ryan! Not everything has to be about you!"]
--Sorry. This is supposed to be for Min to show what it's like. What we...no. What he feels like.
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Suddenly fine feels more like an insult than the reassurance it was meant to be, and they find themselves at a loss for how to make it better.]
I didn't mean it like that...
[They hadn't, but their mind is full of Ryan's lack of self-worth and they hate it. They're wrong, but they want to understand how Ryan feels too. To truly understand it isn't always as easy for him as he makes it seem.]
It doesn't just have to be about him. It's about us.
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It's hard to unify enough into a thought, and if Ryan asserts himself too much they'll rip apart again. But...this helps. Holding hands helps. Thoughts flicker to all of the odd ways they've held hands over the years, because it doesn't count if you just hold the back of someone's hand, right? Even if you curl your fingers over theirs, it's still not holding hands.]
...I like being us.
[And it's true. There's a little bloom of warmth, even though the self loathing isn't fully gone. That would take so much more than one conversation, but they like how they feel when they're together this way.
At first they don't know what they could think about or where they could steer things from here, but thoughts and memories don't necessarily come preplanned. They just happen sometimes, and they drift to other moments like this.
Like when in a sentient castle, after Ryan told Min the train knew he was garbage as if it was a statement of fact that he had hidden all this time, Min still decided he wanted to play with him. He still sat with Ryan and gently explained it was just a bad thought and nothing more. Ryan's heart fluttering when Min refused to leave him behind. They can feel how warm his face was, and how happy he felt playing the silly song they wrote when they were six in the most bizarre situation they possibly could.
Ryan doesn't always like himself, and definitely doesn't always love himself, but he's loved Min-Gi so much. Being with him feels good. He feels like someone actually sees him and cares about him and wants to be with him.]
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I like being us too.
[They aren't sure exactly what they mean by that. Whether they mean being them together, or them apart. Maybe it's both.
It is nice to feel the warmth within themselves, knowing the part of them that's Ryan is feeling a little better. It's nice to feel how much they love the part of them that's Min, and how much he's actually helped.
Especially since Ryan has helped Min too. Without him they wouldn't exist. Min-Gi would be off at uni, studying something he hates and preparing himself for a life they know he'd hate. He hadn't always appreciated how pushy Ryan was, but once he understood what Min was scared of he'd supported him in ways he'd never known he needed.
They remember abandoning Ryan. The hurt of being left behind themself. They remember how lonely they'd been in Powell Lake, losing touch with even the friends that had stayed in town after graduation. Everything had felt so hollow after he'd gone. They remember how scared Min had been when they'd finally escaped the train and they did their first real performance, but Ryan had been there, making sure he knew everything would be okay. They think about how Ryan checks in with him on stage even now, subtle looks and gestures that don't seem like much from the outside but mean the world to Min-Gi.]
I don't know what's going to happen when this weekend's over, but no matter what, there's always going to be an us.
[Maybe not romantically just yet, but they can't imagine a life without each other. They understand that now more than ever.]
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The Chicken Choice Judy shirt had meant so much. It wasn't just a shirt, it was Min saying his idea was good and worthwhile, and giving him a tangible sign of that. It felt like a promise, even if it was immediately broken.
They recall that Ryan casually said it shrank in the wash, except now they recall Ryan parked outside of a laundromat and crying for almost an hour because he fucking shrank it because of course he did, of course he fucked up the last thing he had of Min's by doing his laundry wrong like a moron.
They take a deep, steadying breath. Things are better now. It's just-- a thought. An old thought. But everything did feel hollow when they were apart, Min's right about that. Everything was awful and wrong and they never want to feel alone like that again.
They remember wondering if Min was ready for that first show, and being so proud of him once it was over and done. They remember wondering now and then how much rushing is too much rushing, only to be proven by Min that they were really ready this time.
Min always looks so handsome on stage under all of the lights, but it isn't just from looks. Ryan glances to check in on him, and what he sees is that Min is happy. They want that more than anything else in the entire world.]
Always. Hm, what's that saying~?
[They pretend to think for a moment and then they grin into the mirror.]
You stuck with me, so now you're stuck with me!
[From famous philosopher Min-Gi Park, shortly after chucking his keys out the window of a castle.]
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They can be Chicken Choice Judy, and they can be Min-Gi and Ryan. They can succeed, and they can be happy. They still have a lot to lose if they ever make it home this time, but for now it doesn't seem so scary to let themselves be them.]
Always. But for now... we should make the most of it while we can be me, right?
[They won't be them in their current form for long, and that makes part of them sad. Even so, they're grateful. If it wasn't for them then the truth would still be hidden away for who knows how much longer. Maybe forever.]
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Yeah! Totally.
[They look down and flex their fingers - after all of this, they feel more in sync than they were before, less concerned with who is moving what.]
Hm...time to bug the cats, I think.
[Two thoughts, circling around each other - they probably need to show Strut and Vogue they aren't scary, but also Strut and Vogue's reactions are going to be very, very funny. Both can be true!]
Let's go be me!