[Ryan doesn't think it's too bad. It's actually kind of adorable to see him this worked up about it? But it's so weird to not have to shove that thought down where it can't be seen or felt. He can just...think it's adorable? Really?]
It doesn't work like that, man. Guys can be into lots of kinds of guys. It's not like...here's the one type of desirable dude.
[That much Ryan knows from experience. He's met guys that have preferences all over the place. It's just unfortunate that his one night stands expected him to be a particular kind of guy.]
Besides, you're definitely the kind of guy guys are into because like...honestly? I've been into you since like, middle school, man.
[Might as well throw that in there since it's all coming up now anyway.]
He's still too flustered to defend himself properly. Especially with the revelation that not only is Ryan into him, he has been since middle school. Min honestly can't say how long he's had feelings for Ryan for, but he knows he didn't figure it out until years after that. He'd spent so long confusing crushes for admiration he has no idea which was which when he tries to look back now.]
Middle school? How would you even know that? We were still kids then.
[It's a lot, and he can feel anxiety rising in him again. Logically he knows this should be a good thing, but it's so out of the blue he has no idea how he's supposed to process it all. He looks at Ryan pleadingly, clinging too him a little tighter.]
[Honestly, Ryan would love to sit anyway and if Min hadn't asked first he might have asked himself. The only snag is that they're in the bathroom, and with the overwhelming weight of all of their feelings, the living room feels too far away.
But, they're in the bathroom.
There's a bathtub.
And the grossest room at the party has historically been a good place to talk things out...
He looks from the tub, to Min, and then back to the tub again before shrugging and letting go so he can climb inside it - unless Min stops him.]
[Min rolls his eyes like he wasn't the one to start this tradition, but there's a faint smile playing on his lips and he follows Ryan in without complaint. It's not the most comfortable, but it's cleaner than the bath he'd hidden in at the party and the ceramic feels cool against his back.
It's nice. It helps even. He's already feeling a little better.
He sits right next to Ryan, reaching out so he can link their fingers together.]
[It might not be the most comfortable place, but it's weirdly cozy and kind of nostalgic now. Even though they aren't really sure what they should do with this newfound revelation about themselves, they've still easily shifted into being able to link their fingers together in a way they've never let themselves before. Their hands fit together.]
But uh. Yeah. Since middle school...
[Ryan lets out a pressurized sigh. No one likes thinking about middle school.]
I dunno. I just...knew. I've known that I liked boys and girls for a long time, and it's not like people weren't starting to get crushes back then or anything. I lived through my sisters obsessing over boys when they were in middle school, so I don't think it's that weird?
[He remembers them being so annoying about it, but also he was like six or seven at the time so of course he thought they were.]
Maybe. I kind of thought everyone was making it up back then...
[He could never wrap his head around it when people had talked about their crushes back then, but maybe Ryan's right. Just because he took a while to figure things out that doesn't mean everyone else did.]
I didn't figure out I was into you until after I realised I was gay, so... [He shrugs helplessly.] It took a while. I still don't know when it started. I guess when we were teenagers at some point?
You know, that doesn't surprise me for some reason.
[Ryan gently bumps his shoulder against Min's, a signal that it isn't a bad thing at all. Sometimes Min just needs an extra minute. Ryan is a lot more cognizant of that now than he used to be.]
If it makes you feel any better, I don't know if there was an exact moment for me either? Mostly I remember realizing it and thinking "Oh no, I can't tell him EVER, he's SO STRAIGHT and he'll know I'm a creepy weirdo and never hang out with me again."
[He can even say it with a little bit of a laugh in his voice. It feels so stupid when he knows that Min eventually felt the same. Granted, he was really anxious about at least half of this literally ten minutes ago, but he seems to be feeling a little more secure about it now - enough to joke around a bit at least.]
[Min gives him a look, nudging his shoulder back. It's a sign he must be feeling better if he can take the teasing without getting upset about it. What does sting a little is the reasons Ryan kept it hidden from him for all these years.
He's not wrong. He's acting like it's a joke, but even a few months ago the revelation would have sent him spiralling and they both know it.]
Honestly? It's probably better you didn't.
[He offers up a strained smile. He hadn't been ready before, and historically Min-Gi hasn't reacted well to things he hasn't been ready for. All too often Ryan's been the one to bear the brunt of that. He hates the thought there could have been something else that drove a wedge between them.]
[Even a few minutes ago Ryan thought it might have sent Min spiraling. Just because Min is gay doesn't mean he would appreciate advances from Ryan, even if those "advances" were just oversharing while sharing a body.
But it's working out, slowly. They're talking, and that's usually better. ...Except when they were a couple of scared twelve year olds.]
It's alright. I mean...it was years ago now. And if things didn't happen the way they did, we wouldn't be here now, right? Sitting in a tub again...talking about our big gay crushes on each other...
[He isn't sure that's enough though. It's still kind of flippant, because his impulse is always to try and make Min laugh through uncomfortable things, but...Now that it's out of his mouth, he's less sure.
So, he squeezes Min's hand.]
I mean it. It's seriously not your fault. ...It was my call and I cared more about not losing you forever, so...that was that.
[It makes it sound so trivial when it's something that sounds like it's tormented both of them for years. Mostly because of him, whether Ryan blames him for it or not.]
You wouldn't have lost me forever. [Or at least he hopes not, because that thought is unbearable.] Just... it would've taken me a while. I still don't know if I'm ready to actually be with someone.
[That's a confession that makes him almost as nervous as telling Ryan he had feelings for him in the first place. There's a part of him that wants to, but dating is just so far from anything he has experience with. No one else even knows he's gay. It feels unfair to keep Ryan pulled back in the closet with him when he's always so unapologetically himself.]
[Ryan doesn't address whether Min would have ditched him or not, because there's no way for them to ever really know and he doesn't want to have to think about it. It's suffocating, but it's not something they ever need to know for sure.
The rest of it though, that steals the air right out of Ryan's lungs. Maybe this isn't the fairytale ending it was starting to feel like. Maybe they can both really like each other and Min still might not...want this.
(He supposes that makes sense. Min doesn't know much about it, but Ryan hasn't historically been a great boyfriend. Anyone would hesitate at starting something serious with him; he's sure of it.)
He's been quiet just a little too long and he can feel it in the air between them.]
Well.
[It feels so heavy in his throat, but he pushes forward anyway.]
...I'm here whenever you are? If you ever are, I mean. I-I don't want to make it sound like you have to be. Either way, I'm not going anywhere.
[Unless Min wants him to, of course, but he gets the impression that isn't the case. This revelation hurts, but it's a hurt he can live with. It's a hurt that was always under the surface anyway, when he thought Min was straight.]
[The silence is deafening. Min-Gi watches him from the corner of his eyes, waiting for some kind of response. His hand feels warm against his own, but it isn't comforting anymore. It feels like one of them should let go, but pulling away now will probably only be more hurtful.
It isn't as bad as it could be when Ryan finally does reply, but the hurt still twists in his gut. He can hear the sadness in his voice, and he hates it. He hates knowing he's the one who upset him.]
I want to be! I'm just... scared. I've never dated a guy before. [There's a self-deprecating little huff.] I've never dated anyone.
[It would be so easy to mess it up, and while he feels like he would be safer with Ryan in some ways... there's so much more to lose.]
[Ryan is trying really hard to not indulge in what he actually wants to do, which is completely shut off all of his feelings and act like it doesn't matter than he's technically being rejected here. It's not like Min would really believe him at this point anyway.]
I've never had something serious with a guy. And girls...it was always a disaster.
[With guys it was always a one night stand, and with girls it never lasted. They always got sick of him and left. And the last thing he wants is for Min to get sick of him and leave.
He finally lets go of Min's hand so he can reach up to put a hand on his shoulder.]
I get it though. It's scary, and you need time. It's-- fine. It's okay. Really. I mean...as long as you're cool with the fact that we did this all backwards and live together?
[The truth is, Ryan is a little scared too. Is something that was so normal suddenly going to be uncomfortable and weird? Ugh, he hopes not. And what happens if Min realizes he's a shitty partner and they wind up the way of Fleetwood Mac? Ryan isn't not worried about it, but he won't know if it's something to worry about unless they try.
He can wait though. He has to wait, or he'll lose Min by rushing him. He has to wait and it has to be okay.]
I'm here for you. And if that means waiting, then it means waiting.
[Min-Gi smiles tentatively. It doesn't change that he's nervous, but it's suddenly a lot less scary with some reassurance from Ryan. He's there for him, just like he always is, and that goes a long way.]
Thank you. You're a good... [Friend? Is that still the right thing to call him...? His smile becomes just a touch more tense.] Thanks.
[Things are going to change, but he doesn't think he minds that. Everything has changed so much the past few years of their lives, but even with everything they've been through things have been better in the times he's had Ryan by his side. This is a little different, but that feels like one thing that will be the same.]
I don't want to not live with you. Even if it is backwards. I don't want anything to change.
[Which is maybe unfair to ask, but if Ryan pulls away while he figures himself out he knows how miserable he'll be. Their closeness is important to him, and he doesn't want to lose that.]
[He almost wants to laugh. This whole weird situation doesn't mean they aren't friends, but it feels like so much to chide Min for it out loud. So, he meets Min's awkward smile with one of his own.]
Yeah, man. No problem.
[Everything after that is a relief, almost. Their living situation isn't changing. Nothing about how they are right now is changing except for this looming knowledge they both have now of how they feel.
He would have understood too, if it did have to change. If he needed space without Ryan over here being so open about himself and crushing on him at the same time. Ryan knows he can be too much even under normal circumstances. But (maybe selfishly) he's glad that isn't the case. It's enough to give him a little hope that this might work out, at least for now.]
It's totally okay. Really. And you can talk to me too? It's not something you have to figure out alone.
[It's a relief to know Ryan's okay with that. He's not unaware they've always been closer than most friends, but it's always been easy to pretend that's because of how long they've known each other. How many other best friends have known each other their entire lives? Of course they're comfortable around each other.
Now it feels different. Like they've both been making excuses to pretend they don't feel the way they do while still always being around each other.]
It's hard to talk about. I've spent so long hiding the way I feel it's strange to actually say it.
[The way he feels about men. About Ryan. How bad he feels every time his parents try to talk to him about girls.
Especially to someone who doesn't understand it. Ryan's sympathetic, but he doesn't get it. He can't.
Unless...
He turns to look at him again.]
What if I show you?
[This might be the one time Ryan can ever really experience his feelings the way Min does. There's nothing left to hide now, so why not?]
[Of all the suggestions Min could have come up with, Ryan absolutely didn't see this one coming. It takes Ryan a second to realize what he means, because...how could Min want to, after all of this?
But Ryan does. Even though his heart is full of so many things, good and bad, he wants that feeling of being intertwined with Min in the same body. He craves that warm feeling they had just moments ago, a feeling he could never have even imagined until today.]
I...guess it couldn't hurt, right?
[Ryan pushes himself upright and steps out of the tub, on the grounds that it would probably be pretty tough to sync together in there, but he turns around and offers Min a hand up.]
Well? C'mon. Show me.
[Light and airy like this is all nothing, like he isn't trying to swallow the dark pit of imagined reasons Min wouldn't want to do this again.]
[Maybe. Terrified as Min is of dating Ryan, the possibility is exciting too.
He lets Ryan pull him up, for once not trying to ignore the butterflies he gets when he feels Ryan's weird guitar strength first hand.
He steps out of the tub, then moves in close to Ryan almost unthinkingly. He gives him an embarrassed smile as he hugs him, feeling a lot more nervous about the intimacy of it now the truth is out there.]
I still don't know how this works... Should we sing again?
[It's a fluid motion from tugging Min up to hugging him, and even though it happens with practiced ease it still feels different in a way Ryan can't describe.
He's starting to think he gets how this works, sort of, but he isn't confident enough to say so outright. Maybe if it works this time he'll pitch a theory later. For now though, he just nods.]
Yeah! Yeah, let's sing.
[Ryan lets his eyes flutter shut for a moment, but then unexpectedly he chuckles.]
Wow, I totally don't remember where we left off in the other one. So...how about a classic?
[He breathes in deep, and then--]
♪ Hit rock bottom and you're acting tough Find yourself never good enough Must be nice, to feel as light as air~ ♪
[Min-Gi blinks when Ryan laughs, but he can't help chuckling when he explains. Honestly, Min can't remember either at this point either.
He's not sure what he expects when Ryan starts singing, but once he starts it makes sense to him. Sure they've written other songs, but what's more them? It's easy to jump in with the next verse.]
♪ Same routine day in and out No idea what it's all about Must be nice to live without a care ♪
[He's confident Ryan will join in for the next part, and his smile grows as he continues to sing.]
[Ryan smiles too, his heart fluttering seeing Min so enthusiastic and happy. He joins right in on the chorus, just like he has for so many shows. It's a song that means everything to them, that sums up so much of what they've been through.]
♪ Train to nowhere At least you're there... ♪
[He pulls Min closer, close enough to breathe him in, and the barriers between them disappear in a flash of white light.
When it's over, they're one singular person again. One large, purple, Ryan-and-Min. The bathroom is only so big, so they immediately catch sight of themselves in the mirror again. For the most part they look the same, but there are a few more individual red and blue patches to their outfit, places that didn't meld together completely.]
Ha! We're getting pretty good at this!
[They pat themselves on the shoulder, clearly proud that they're adjusting to all of this, but then they consider their reflection in the mirror - as though it might feel more like a conversation if they do so. They place a hand on their chest.]
No idea how to do this, but...ready?
[There are a lot of swirling, uncertain parts inside of them, but they did say they would try this, so...here they are, trying, whether it's a good idea or not.]
[They feel... love. Unrepressed now there's nothing else left to hide from themself.
They aren't so sure of their plan now that it actually comes down to it though. They don't feel like Min anymore. Not completely. And they're not sure they can keep themself together if they try too hard to be him.]
Let's see...
[They look at themself in the mirror, then look away again. It feels easier to get distracted than it was before.
Maybe they can compromise. They've been together their whole lives. Ryan's seen so much of Min's life even if he's never lived it.
They think back to the times they've spent alone together, Min casting secretive glances at Ryan, knowing that he shouldn't. It had happened so many times over the years. Back in high school while Ryan showed off in recess. On the train until Kez inevitably interrupted. While they were supposed to be sleeping in some dingy motel room or the back of Ryan's van. Min had always felt a deep sense of longing, but had held back on fully acknowledging what it was.
They remember the times that Ryan had been allowed to stay over for dinner with the Parks. How Min's mother had beamed with pride when he'd clear away the plates without her asking, telling him what a good boy he was. How lucky his wife would be. They remember the excitement in her eyes for her son's future marriage, and the clawing dread of the inevitable. The guilt. How much Min-Gi wished he could live up to that, but already knew it was never going to make him happy.
Some memories creep in where he was alone. (Was their mind always this scattered?) Overheard comments on the street or in the diner. Not about him, of course. Min-Gi worked so hard to make sure no one would ever say things like that about him. They remember Min lying awake in the dead of night, willing his mind to change somehow. They remember reading the hated article. Almost sixteen and desperate to believe he wouldn't feel this way forever.
They can feel themselves at risk of breaking them apart again, so they stop, taking a steadying breath as they look back in the mirror. They aren't Min-Gi. Not completely. They reach inside, searching for the other part of them.]
[Their mind has always been this scattered, or at least Ryan's has. Their shared memories push and pull, sparking new additions as one thought sparks another and another.
For every secretive glance Min cast Ryan's way, there's a different memory of Ryan doing the same. In middle school at the diner. Being wallflowers together at a school dance because slow dancing wasn't even a possibility. Here in the Pokémon world, curled up in a hammock together as if there was no where else they would rather be, when Ryan is sure Min is asleep.
They miss the Parks. They remember those dinners and they come with echoes of other feelings, of wanting to belong with them. Different from how Min-Gi wanted to please them, a longing for something that wasn't really his. There's a memory of drying dishes at the sink with Min, a secret pleasure in knowing where the plates and glasses go in his house. If Ryan had been a girl, maybe they would have said Ryan would be lucky, but then he shakes away the thought because it's not like two dudes can get married. An older memory echoes that sentiment and adds that it isn't like anyone would stick around long enough anyway.
For every comment they remember from Min, there's another waiting in line from Ryan. Some asshole in high school Ryan never bothered mentioning, name already forgotten. Ryan nursing a hot coffee and nothing else at some shitty gas station listening to someone with opinions that are a little too loud about a supposed "gay cancer", oblivious to him being there. A huge fight with a girl in his van about who he was or wasn't looking at, ripping apart his identity every step of the way until she demanded he let her out of the car. They remember intense rejection, and chucking a magazine in the garbage even though the important parts were all burned into their brain forever.
The biggest mistake Bowie ever made was being exactly like Ryan.
All of these swirl with Min-Gi's memories, not just intertwining but skipping like a scratched record from moment to moment. Their head is spinning, and they grip the side of the sink as they look in the mirror, searching for someone they can't quite see.]
I...we're okay. It's a lot, but...I'm a lot. We're a lot.
[First self-deprecating, then literally. They are literally two people; they are objectively going to be "a lot".]
[The back and forth of memories leaves their mind swirling. A stark reminder they're a them, formed from two very different people. They don't feel quite the same as either of them.
They frown, not liking to hear them talk about themself like that. They reach up to touch their arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze.]
We're fine. [Wait. That wasn't what they meant.] You're fine. You're better than fine.
[They don't like the things they picked up from the part they hadn't known. Some of it had been fine, but other memories... Others made them mad.]
You know there's nothing wrong with you, right? If people can't appreciate you for who you are they don't deserve to stick around.
[It's maybe a bit rich coming from him considering he's the one holding them back right now, but it feels important to say. Even if the sudden clarity of being Min threatens to break them apart again.]
Those memories leave a negative fog inside them that lingers and obscures. If they try and feel for the separate parts that make them them, there's one that suddenly feels...wrong.
It feels far away.
This almost splits them apart. There's a flash of light and they can feel the pull, but before it happens completely they snap themselves back together like a rubber band, gasping like they just woke up from a nightmare.]
--We're fine. Yeah.
[Except, it doesn't make that pit of awful go away. There's no relief, nothing magic has been said that makes it all better. It's just there inside them, this gross self-hatred in their shared body.]
...Yeah.
[The whirlwind of memories has slowed, but now that they aren't hitting the breaks anymore some things are coming up again. Little flashes of people who didn't stick around or think he was worth much - girls, guys, family, people underpaying him at gigs. It all goes by dizzyingly fast, but it lands on a clear memory of one of his sisters - Nancy, age thirteen or so. She's telling someone a story they've since forgotten with time and Ryan keeps trying to chime in, but it just makes her angry and she snaps at him:
"Ugh, Ryan! Not everything has to be about you!"]
--Sorry. This is supposed to be for Min to show what it's like. What we...no. What he feels like.
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no subject
It doesn't work like that, man. Guys can be into lots of kinds of guys. It's not like...here's the one type of desirable dude.
[That much Ryan knows from experience. He's met guys that have preferences all over the place. It's just unfortunate that his one night stands expected him to be a particular kind of guy.]
Besides, you're definitely the kind of guy guys are into because like...honestly? I've been into you since like, middle school, man.
[Might as well throw that in there since it's all coming up now anyway.]
no subject
[Does he though?
He's still too flustered to defend himself properly. Especially with the revelation that not only is Ryan into him, he has been since middle school. Min honestly can't say how long he's had feelings for Ryan for, but he knows he didn't figure it out until years after that. He'd spent so long confusing crushes for admiration he has no idea which was which when he tries to look back now.]
Middle school? How would you even know that? We were still kids then.
[It's a lot, and he can feel anxiety rising in him again. Logically he knows this should be a good thing, but it's so out of the blue he has no idea how he's supposed to process it all. He looks at Ryan pleadingly, clinging too him a little tighter.]
Can we sit down somewhere? Please?
no subject
[Honestly, Ryan would love to sit anyway and if Min hadn't asked first he might have asked himself. The only snag is that they're in the bathroom, and with the overwhelming weight of all of their feelings, the living room feels too far away.
But, they're in the bathroom.
There's a bathtub.
And the grossest room at the party has historically been a good place to talk things out...
He looks from the tub, to Min, and then back to the tub again before shrugging and letting go so he can climb inside it - unless Min stops him.]
no subject
It's nice. It helps even. He's already feeling a little better.
He sits right next to Ryan, reaching out so he can link their fingers together.]
Thank you.
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[It might not be the most comfortable place, but it's weirdly cozy and kind of nostalgic now. Even though they aren't really sure what they should do with this newfound revelation about themselves, they've still easily shifted into being able to link their fingers together in a way they've never let themselves before. Their hands fit together.]
But uh. Yeah. Since middle school...
[Ryan lets out a pressurized sigh. No one likes thinking about middle school.]
I dunno. I just...knew. I've known that I liked boys and girls for a long time, and it's not like people weren't starting to get crushes back then or anything. I lived through my sisters obsessing over boys when they were in middle school, so I don't think it's that weird?
[He remembers them being so annoying about it, but also he was like six or seven at the time so of course he thought they were.]
no subject
[He could never wrap his head around it when people had talked about their crushes back then, but maybe Ryan's right. Just because he took a while to figure things out that doesn't mean everyone else did.]
I didn't figure out I was into you until after I realised I was gay, so... [He shrugs helplessly.] It took a while. I still don't know when it started. I guess when we were teenagers at some point?
no subject
[Ryan gently bumps his shoulder against Min's, a signal that it isn't a bad thing at all. Sometimes Min just needs an extra minute. Ryan is a lot more cognizant of that now than he used to be.]
If it makes you feel any better, I don't know if there was an exact moment for me either? Mostly I remember realizing it and thinking "Oh no, I can't tell him EVER, he's SO STRAIGHT and he'll know I'm a creepy weirdo and never hang out with me again."
[He can even say it with a little bit of a laugh in his voice. It feels so stupid when he knows that Min eventually felt the same. Granted, he was really anxious about at least half of this literally ten minutes ago, but he seems to be feeling a little more secure about it now - enough to joke around a bit at least.]
no subject
He's not wrong. He's acting like it's a joke, but even a few months ago the revelation would have sent him spiralling and they both know it.]
Honestly? It's probably better you didn't.
[He offers up a strained smile. He hadn't been ready before, and historically Min-Gi hasn't reacted well to things he hasn't been ready for. All too often Ryan's been the one to bear the brunt of that. He hates the thought there could have been something else that drove a wedge between them.]
I'm sorry you had to hide that stuff from me.
no subject
But it's working out, slowly. They're talking, and that's usually better. ...Except when they were a couple of scared twelve year olds.]
It's alright. I mean...it was years ago now. And if things didn't happen the way they did, we wouldn't be here now, right? Sitting in a tub again...talking about our big gay crushes on each other...
[He isn't sure that's enough though. It's still kind of flippant, because his impulse is always to try and make Min laugh through uncomfortable things, but...Now that it's out of his mouth, he's less sure.
So, he squeezes Min's hand.]
I mean it. It's seriously not your fault. ...It was my call and I cared more about not losing you forever, so...that was that.
no subject
[It makes it sound so trivial when it's something that sounds like it's tormented both of them for years. Mostly because of him, whether Ryan blames him for it or not.]
You wouldn't have lost me forever. [Or at least he hopes not, because that thought is unbearable.] Just... it would've taken me a while. I still don't know if I'm ready to actually be with someone.
[That's a confession that makes him almost as nervous as telling Ryan he had feelings for him in the first place. There's a part of him that wants to, but dating is just so far from anything he has experience with. No one else even knows he's gay. It feels unfair to keep Ryan pulled back in the closet with him when he's always so unapologetically himself.]
no subject
The rest of it though, that steals the air right out of Ryan's lungs. Maybe this isn't the fairytale ending it was starting to feel like. Maybe they can both really like each other and Min still might not...want this.
(He supposes that makes sense. Min doesn't know much about it, but Ryan hasn't historically been a great boyfriend. Anyone would hesitate at starting something serious with him; he's sure of it.)
He's been quiet just a little too long and he can feel it in the air between them.]
Well.
[It feels so heavy in his throat, but he pushes forward anyway.]
...I'm here whenever you are? If you ever are, I mean. I-I don't want to make it sound like you have to be. Either way, I'm not going anywhere.
[Unless Min wants him to, of course, but he gets the impression that isn't the case. This revelation hurts, but it's a hurt he can live with. It's a hurt that was always under the surface anyway, when he thought Min was straight.]
no subject
It isn't as bad as it could be when Ryan finally does reply, but the hurt still twists in his gut. He can hear the sadness in his voice, and he hates it. He hates knowing he's the one who upset him.]
I want to be! I'm just... scared. I've never dated a guy before. [There's a self-deprecating little huff.] I've never dated anyone.
[It would be so easy to mess it up, and while he feels like he would be safer with Ryan in some ways... there's so much more to lose.]
no subject
I've never had something serious with a guy. And girls...it was always a disaster.
[With guys it was always a one night stand, and with girls it never lasted. They always got sick of him and left. And the last thing he wants is for Min to get sick of him and leave.
He finally lets go of Min's hand so he can reach up to put a hand on his shoulder.]
I get it though. It's scary, and you need time. It's-- fine. It's okay. Really. I mean...as long as you're cool with the fact that we did this all backwards and live together?
[The truth is, Ryan is a little scared too. Is something that was so normal suddenly going to be uncomfortable and weird? Ugh, he hopes not. And what happens if Min realizes he's a shitty partner and they wind up the way of Fleetwood Mac? Ryan isn't not worried about it, but he won't know if it's something to worry about unless they try.
He can wait though. He has to wait, or he'll lose Min by rushing him. He has to wait and it has to be okay.]
I'm here for you. And if that means waiting, then it means waiting.
no subject
Thank you. You're a good... [Friend? Is that still the right thing to call him...? His smile becomes just a touch more tense.] Thanks.
[Things are going to change, but he doesn't think he minds that. Everything has changed so much the past few years of their lives, but even with everything they've been through things have been better in the times he's had Ryan by his side. This is a little different, but that feels like one thing that will be the same.]
I don't want to not live with you. Even if it is backwards. I don't want anything to change.
[Which is maybe unfair to ask, but if Ryan pulls away while he figures himself out he knows how miserable he'll be. Their closeness is important to him, and he doesn't want to lose that.]
Is that okay? Just for a little while?
no subject
Yeah, man. No problem.
[Everything after that is a relief, almost. Their living situation isn't changing. Nothing about how they are right now is changing except for this looming knowledge they both have now of how they feel.
He would have understood too, if it did have to change. If he needed space without Ryan over here being so open about himself and crushing on him at the same time. Ryan knows he can be too much even under normal circumstances. But (maybe selfishly) he's glad that isn't the case. It's enough to give him a little hope that this might work out, at least for now.]
It's totally okay. Really. And you can talk to me too? It's not something you have to figure out alone.
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Now it feels different. Like they've both been making excuses to pretend they don't feel the way they do while still always being around each other.]
It's hard to talk about. I've spent so long hiding the way I feel it's strange to actually say it.
[The way he feels about men. About Ryan. How bad he feels every time his parents try to talk to him about girls.
Especially to someone who doesn't understand it. Ryan's sympathetic, but he doesn't get it. He can't.
Unless...
He turns to look at him again.]
What if I show you?
[This might be the one time Ryan can ever really experience his feelings the way Min does. There's nothing left to hide now, so why not?]
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But Ryan does. Even though his heart is full of so many things, good and bad, he wants that feeling of being intertwined with Min in the same body. He craves that warm feeling they had just moments ago, a feeling he could never have even imagined until today.]
I...guess it couldn't hurt, right?
[Ryan pushes himself upright and steps out of the tub, on the grounds that it would probably be pretty tough to sync together in there, but he turns around and offers Min a hand up.]
Well? C'mon. Show me.
[Light and airy like this is all nothing, like he isn't trying to swallow the dark pit of imagined reasons Min wouldn't want to do this again.]
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[Maybe. Terrified as Min is of dating Ryan, the possibility is exciting too.
He lets Ryan pull him up, for once not trying to ignore the butterflies he gets when he feels Ryan's weird guitar strength first hand.
He steps out of the tub, then moves in close to Ryan almost unthinkingly. He gives him an embarrassed smile as he hugs him, feeling a lot more nervous about the intimacy of it now the truth is out there.]
I still don't know how this works... Should we sing again?
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He's starting to think he gets how this works, sort of, but he isn't confident enough to say so outright. Maybe if it works this time he'll pitch a theory later. For now though, he just nods.]
Yeah! Yeah, let's sing.
[Ryan lets his eyes flutter shut for a moment, but then unexpectedly he chuckles.]
Wow, I totally don't remember where we left off in the other one. So...how about a classic?
[He breathes in deep, and then--]
♪ Hit rock bottom and you're acting tough
Find yourself never good enough
Must be nice, to feel as light as air~ ♪
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He's not sure what he expects when Ryan starts singing, but once he starts it makes sense to him. Sure they've written other songs, but what's more them? It's easy to jump in with the next verse.]
♪ Same routine day in and out
No idea what it's all about
Must be nice to live without a care ♪
[He's confident Ryan will join in for the next part, and his smile grows as he continues to sing.]
♪ Train to nowhere
Train to nowhere... ♪
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♪ Train to nowhere
At least you're there... ♪
[He pulls Min closer, close enough to breathe him in, and the barriers between them disappear in a flash of white light.
When it's over, they're one singular person again. One large, purple, Ryan-and-Min. The bathroom is only so big, so they immediately catch sight of themselves in the mirror again. For the most part they look the same, but there are a few more individual red and blue patches to their outfit, places that didn't meld together completely.]
Ha! We're getting pretty good at this!
[They pat themselves on the shoulder, clearly proud that they're adjusting to all of this, but then they consider their reflection in the mirror - as though it might feel more like a conversation if they do so. They place a hand on their chest.]
No idea how to do this, but...ready?
[There are a lot of swirling, uncertain parts inside of them, but they did say they would try this, so...here they are, trying, whether it's a good idea or not.]
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They aren't so sure of their plan now that it actually comes down to it though. They don't feel like Min anymore. Not completely. And they're not sure they can keep themself together if they try too hard to be him.]
Let's see...
[They look at themself in the mirror, then look away again. It feels easier to get distracted than it was before.
Maybe they can compromise. They've been together their whole lives. Ryan's seen so much of Min's life even if he's never lived it.
They think back to the times they've spent alone together, Min casting secretive glances at Ryan, knowing that he shouldn't. It had happened so many times over the years. Back in high school while Ryan showed off in recess. On the train until Kez inevitably interrupted. While they were supposed to be sleeping in some dingy motel room or the back of Ryan's van. Min had always felt a deep sense of longing, but had held back on fully acknowledging what it was.
They remember the times that Ryan had been allowed to stay over for dinner with the Parks. How Min's mother had beamed with pride when he'd clear away the plates without her asking, telling him what a good boy he was. How lucky his wife would be. They remember the excitement in her eyes for her son's future marriage, and the clawing dread of the inevitable. The guilt. How much Min-Gi wished he could live up to that, but already knew it was never going to make him happy.
Some memories creep in where he was alone. (Was their mind always this scattered?) Overheard comments on the street or in the diner. Not about him, of course. Min-Gi worked so hard to make sure no one would ever say things like that about him. They remember Min lying awake in the dead of night, willing his mind to change somehow. They remember reading the hated article. Almost sixteen and desperate to believe he wouldn't feel this way forever.
They can feel themselves at risk of breaking them apart again, so they stop, taking a steadying breath as they look back in the mirror. They aren't Min-Gi. Not completely. They reach inside, searching for the other part of them.]
I'm sorry. I know it's messed up.
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For every secretive glance Min cast Ryan's way, there's a different memory of Ryan doing the same. In middle school at the diner. Being wallflowers together at a school dance because slow dancing wasn't even a possibility. Here in the Pokémon world, curled up in a hammock together as if there was no where else they would rather be, when Ryan is sure Min is asleep.
They miss the Parks. They remember those dinners and they come with echoes of other feelings, of wanting to belong with them. Different from how Min-Gi wanted to please them, a longing for something that wasn't really his. There's a memory of drying dishes at the sink with Min, a secret pleasure in knowing where the plates and glasses go in his house. If Ryan had been a girl, maybe they would have said Ryan would be lucky, but then he shakes away the thought because it's not like two dudes can get married. An older memory echoes that sentiment and adds that it isn't like anyone would stick around long enough anyway.
For every comment they remember from Min, there's another waiting in line from Ryan. Some asshole in high school Ryan never bothered mentioning, name already forgotten. Ryan nursing a hot coffee and nothing else at some shitty gas station listening to someone with opinions that are a little too loud about a supposed "gay cancer", oblivious to him being there. A huge fight with a girl in his van about who he was or wasn't looking at, ripping apart his identity every step of the way until she demanded he let her out of the car. They remember intense rejection, and chucking a magazine in the garbage even though the important parts were all burned into their brain forever.
The biggest mistake Bowie ever made was being exactly like Ryan.
All of these swirl with Min-Gi's memories, not just intertwining but skipping like a scratched record from moment to moment. Their head is spinning, and they grip the side of the sink as they look in the mirror, searching for someone they can't quite see.]
I...we're okay. It's a lot, but...I'm a lot. We're a lot.
[First self-deprecating, then literally. They are literally two people; they are objectively going to be "a lot".]
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They frown, not liking to hear them talk about themself like that. They reach up to touch their arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze.]
We're fine. [Wait. That wasn't what they meant.] You're fine. You're better than fine.
[They don't like the things they picked up from the part they hadn't known. Some of it had been fine, but other memories... Others made them mad.]
You know there's nothing wrong with you, right? If people can't appreciate you for who you are they don't deserve to stick around.
[It's maybe a bit rich coming from him considering he's the one holding them back right now, but it feels important to say. Even if the sudden clarity of being Min threatens to break them apart again.]
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Those memories leave a negative fog inside them that lingers and obscures. If they try and feel for the separate parts that make them them, there's one that suddenly feels...wrong.
It feels far away.
This almost splits them apart. There's a flash of light and they can feel the pull, but before it happens completely they snap themselves back together like a rubber band, gasping like they just woke up from a nightmare.]
--We're fine. Yeah.
[Except, it doesn't make that pit of awful go away. There's no relief, nothing magic has been said that makes it all better. It's just there inside them, this gross self-hatred in their shared body.]
...Yeah.
[The whirlwind of memories has slowed, but now that they aren't hitting the breaks anymore some things are coming up again. Little flashes of people who didn't stick around or think he was worth much - girls, guys, family, people underpaying him at gigs. It all goes by dizzyingly fast, but it lands on a clear memory of one of his sisters - Nancy, age thirteen or so. She's telling someone a story they've since forgotten with time and Ryan keeps trying to chime in, but it just makes her angry and she snaps at him:
"Ugh, Ryan! Not everything has to be about you!"]
--Sorry. This is supposed to be for Min to show what it's like. What we...no. What he feels like.
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