[Min watches in a stunned silence, trying to work out what's happening. Why is Ryan freaking out when he's the one who should be apologising? He stares at him dumbstruck as he tries to make sense of it.
Maybe there's something missing, something he didn't notice while they were still together? He can hardly dare to hope this is what it sounds like. Doesn't know if he's even ready for it to be what it sounds like.
Hesitantly, he steps forward. Just close enough he can touch him. This time when he reaches out he doesn't pull away. He puts a steadying hand on Ryan's arm, trying to put on a reassuring face while he makes sure they're actually talking about the same thing.]
Hey. It's okay. I... don't think you were the one who made it weird.
[He wants to be hopeful, but if they aren't on the same page here he knows he's setting himself up for a hurt he isn't ready for. Probably won't ever be ready for. Even as he tries to comfort Ryan he's still standing at almost a full arm's length, nervous at how Ryan might respond.]
[Ryan lets him, which is a good sign - he isn't afraid to pull back when he doesn't want to be touched. He doesn't move closer though, he just...lets Min react however he's going to.
His attempt at comfort is so baffling though. It takes Ryan a moment to come down enough to fully switch gears.]
What're you talking about? It was definitely me! I'm the one that freaked out and yanked us apart, I'm the one who-- who got all in our head about like, everything! It was fine, and then I wrecked it with...feelings! Why would any of that have been you?!
[Ryan doesn't have even a shred of hope that it might have been a mutual feeling. If anything, now he's worried Min pulled apart over something else and now it's being made weird because he can't fucking win, can he?
He makes himself take a couple of steady breaths, to try and not freak out so much. He's making all of this worse, and he needs to stop it. In, and then out with a sigh.]
...Seriously man, it's not you. You didn't make it weird. Don't worry about it.
[This isn't going to work and he kind of knows it, but. He wouldn't be him if he didn't try.]
[Part of him wants to step back, give Ryan his space. But despite his anger, it doesn't seem as though it's directed at him. He watches him silently, not moving as he tries to work out where to go next. It does seem like they're on the same page, but Ryan seems so upset. He doesn't want to risk making him feel any worse.
And what if he's wrong...?
The thought lingers in the back of his mind, making him doubt himself even more than he does already.]
Are you sure? What I... we... felt before we split. I thought it was me. I thought that's what scared you.
[He's still scared, not able to actually say the words. Just hope that Ryan eventually catches on and confirms it for him one way or the other.]
[Some of the tension slips away from Ryan, and for a second he just...stares. There's no way he heard that right. He couldn't possibly have.]
...What?
[Min thought that was him? Every time he tries to connect the dots they refuse to stick together. How could that be true? That's too good to be true. There still has to be some kind of misunderstanding here, but that...can't be.]
I wasn't scared of the feeling. I was scared it would scare you, so I...y'know. Pulled the ripcord, I guess?
[This doesn't feel real, but at least he's a little calmer now. It helps that Min doesn't actually seem scared. He's just there, and he's still there and hasn't run off.]
[It's a relief that Ryan seems to be listening to him now. That he seems to understand him. It means he can relax, if only a little.]
It does scare me. Of course it scares me. I tried so hard not to...
[But this isn't about him. Or at least it's not just about him. He cuts himself off with a bittersweet laugh, edging closer to Ryan now that he isn't so angry.]
I don't know how to do this, Ryan. I just need you to know you didn't ruin anything.
That has him near tears again, though he sniffles to try and force them back. Even if everything else feels surreal, Ryan believes him when he says that. Just knowing he didn't fuck this up beyond repair is such an immense comfort and relief. Min's still here, moving closer to him. He isn't weirded out or creeped out. He's just...here.
Ryan closes the rest of the gap and hugs Min close. They don't fuse in that exact moment; Ryan just holds on because he needs to more than words can explain.]
We're both talking about the same thing, right?
[Because they could go another twenty-one years without ever acknowledging it again because they couldn't spit the words out, and the thought of that scares Ryan a little too. He takes a deep breath and steels himself as though the answer could still somehow be bad, even though he's literally clinging to Min as he says it.]
[Min-Gi tenses up when Ryan hugs him. Not because he dislikes it, but given what they're talking about it feels different to the way it normally does. He does return the hug though, albeit a little stiffly.
He doesn't answer straight away, afraid to commit to the answer even after Ryan's said what they've both been edging around directly. After a long moment he nods, barely perceptible against the side of Ryan's head.]
What do we do? If we both have feelings for each other?
[It feels like a stupid question, and it probably is, but he's barely started letting himself acknowledge it might be okay if he's gay. This isn't a direction he'd ever allowed himself to dwell on.]
[That might be the longest moment Ryan has ever experienced in his life. It's soft, but Min will feel a little sigh of relief from Ryan when he nods. He lets out a small laugh.]
I...don't know.
[He's never entertained the thought, not in any serious way. Any thoughts about it have been daydreams at best, quickly extinguished and buried.
Why is this so scary? This is everything he's ever secretly wanted, so why does it still feel the whole world could end if he makes one wrong move? There's excitement, but terror flowing underneath it. But...maybe it's like everything else. Maybe they have to just talk, even if it's hard.]
I never thought it would even happen? It feels too good to be true.
[He obviously isn't against it. In a lot of respects it seems like it's not even a problem at all, except for the fact that all of Ryan's previous relationships have ended in disaster. That's the absolute last thing he wants. Besides, Min seems like he might be scared too.]
[He pulls away just enough he can look at Ryan. It's harder to meet his eyes than it usually is, but it feels important for them to talk properly.]
I've never thought about dating. At least not... you know. [Guys.] It's not like I even knew anyone would like me. Especially not you.
[That still feels unbelievable. They've been friends their entire lives, but Min never suspected it. Now he knows his feelings are reciprocated his mind is reeling. In some ways he's more confused than he was before.]
A little. If nothing else it renders Min speechless for a moment, unsure how to react to the outburst. The thought of having people all over him is not a comfortable one, but Ryan thinking he'd be lucky to be with him? His heart flutters, and he can feel the way the blood rushes to his cheeks leaving him a strange blotchy blue.
No one's ever called him handsome before, except his mom and maybe occasionally his grandparents. It hits very differently coming from Ryan.]
I-I don't know. I just thought... you know. Maybe I'm not the kind of guy that guys are into.
[Is that a bad thing to say? Probably, but for the most part that thought has always been more a relief than a disappointment. It was easier back when he was still trying to convince himself his only option was to somehow will himself to be straight. Even though he's out now, if only to Ryan, it still isn't something he'd wanted to think too much about. He's still working on feeling okay with himself feeling that way sometimes.]
[Ryan doesn't think it's too bad. It's actually kind of adorable to see him this worked up about it? But it's so weird to not have to shove that thought down where it can't be seen or felt. He can just...think it's adorable? Really?]
It doesn't work like that, man. Guys can be into lots of kinds of guys. It's not like...here's the one type of desirable dude.
[That much Ryan knows from experience. He's met guys that have preferences all over the place. It's just unfortunate that his one night stands expected him to be a particular kind of guy.]
Besides, you're definitely the kind of guy guys are into because like...honestly? I've been into you since like, middle school, man.
[Might as well throw that in there since it's all coming up now anyway.]
He's still too flustered to defend himself properly. Especially with the revelation that not only is Ryan into him, he has been since middle school. Min honestly can't say how long he's had feelings for Ryan for, but he knows he didn't figure it out until years after that. He'd spent so long confusing crushes for admiration he has no idea which was which when he tries to look back now.]
Middle school? How would you even know that? We were still kids then.
[It's a lot, and he can feel anxiety rising in him again. Logically he knows this should be a good thing, but it's so out of the blue he has no idea how he's supposed to process it all. He looks at Ryan pleadingly, clinging too him a little tighter.]
[Honestly, Ryan would love to sit anyway and if Min hadn't asked first he might have asked himself. The only snag is that they're in the bathroom, and with the overwhelming weight of all of their feelings, the living room feels too far away.
But, they're in the bathroom.
There's a bathtub.
And the grossest room at the party has historically been a good place to talk things out...
He looks from the tub, to Min, and then back to the tub again before shrugging and letting go so he can climb inside it - unless Min stops him.]
[Min rolls his eyes like he wasn't the one to start this tradition, but there's a faint smile playing on his lips and he follows Ryan in without complaint. It's not the most comfortable, but it's cleaner than the bath he'd hidden in at the party and the ceramic feels cool against his back.
It's nice. It helps even. He's already feeling a little better.
He sits right next to Ryan, reaching out so he can link their fingers together.]
[It might not be the most comfortable place, but it's weirdly cozy and kind of nostalgic now. Even though they aren't really sure what they should do with this newfound revelation about themselves, they've still easily shifted into being able to link their fingers together in a way they've never let themselves before. Their hands fit together.]
But uh. Yeah. Since middle school...
[Ryan lets out a pressurized sigh. No one likes thinking about middle school.]
I dunno. I just...knew. I've known that I liked boys and girls for a long time, and it's not like people weren't starting to get crushes back then or anything. I lived through my sisters obsessing over boys when they were in middle school, so I don't think it's that weird?
[He remembers them being so annoying about it, but also he was like six or seven at the time so of course he thought they were.]
Maybe. I kind of thought everyone was making it up back then...
[He could never wrap his head around it when people had talked about their crushes back then, but maybe Ryan's right. Just because he took a while to figure things out that doesn't mean everyone else did.]
I didn't figure out I was into you until after I realised I was gay, so... [He shrugs helplessly.] It took a while. I still don't know when it started. I guess when we were teenagers at some point?
You know, that doesn't surprise me for some reason.
[Ryan gently bumps his shoulder against Min's, a signal that it isn't a bad thing at all. Sometimes Min just needs an extra minute. Ryan is a lot more cognizant of that now than he used to be.]
If it makes you feel any better, I don't know if there was an exact moment for me either? Mostly I remember realizing it and thinking "Oh no, I can't tell him EVER, he's SO STRAIGHT and he'll know I'm a creepy weirdo and never hang out with me again."
[He can even say it with a little bit of a laugh in his voice. It feels so stupid when he knows that Min eventually felt the same. Granted, he was really anxious about at least half of this literally ten minutes ago, but he seems to be feeling a little more secure about it now - enough to joke around a bit at least.]
[Min gives him a look, nudging his shoulder back. It's a sign he must be feeling better if he can take the teasing without getting upset about it. What does sting a little is the reasons Ryan kept it hidden from him for all these years.
He's not wrong. He's acting like it's a joke, but even a few months ago the revelation would have sent him spiralling and they both know it.]
Honestly? It's probably better you didn't.
[He offers up a strained smile. He hadn't been ready before, and historically Min-Gi hasn't reacted well to things he hasn't been ready for. All too often Ryan's been the one to bear the brunt of that. He hates the thought there could have been something else that drove a wedge between them.]
[Even a few minutes ago Ryan thought it might have sent Min spiraling. Just because Min is gay doesn't mean he would appreciate advances from Ryan, even if those "advances" were just oversharing while sharing a body.
But it's working out, slowly. They're talking, and that's usually better. ...Except when they were a couple of scared twelve year olds.]
It's alright. I mean...it was years ago now. And if things didn't happen the way they did, we wouldn't be here now, right? Sitting in a tub again...talking about our big gay crushes on each other...
[He isn't sure that's enough though. It's still kind of flippant, because his impulse is always to try and make Min laugh through uncomfortable things, but...Now that it's out of his mouth, he's less sure.
So, he squeezes Min's hand.]
I mean it. It's seriously not your fault. ...It was my call and I cared more about not losing you forever, so...that was that.
[It makes it sound so trivial when it's something that sounds like it's tormented both of them for years. Mostly because of him, whether Ryan blames him for it or not.]
You wouldn't have lost me forever. [Or at least he hopes not, because that thought is unbearable.] Just... it would've taken me a while. I still don't know if I'm ready to actually be with someone.
[That's a confession that makes him almost as nervous as telling Ryan he had feelings for him in the first place. There's a part of him that wants to, but dating is just so far from anything he has experience with. No one else even knows he's gay. It feels unfair to keep Ryan pulled back in the closet with him when he's always so unapologetically himself.]
[Ryan doesn't address whether Min would have ditched him or not, because there's no way for them to ever really know and he doesn't want to have to think about it. It's suffocating, but it's not something they ever need to know for sure.
The rest of it though, that steals the air right out of Ryan's lungs. Maybe this isn't the fairytale ending it was starting to feel like. Maybe they can both really like each other and Min still might not...want this.
(He supposes that makes sense. Min doesn't know much about it, but Ryan hasn't historically been a great boyfriend. Anyone would hesitate at starting something serious with him; he's sure of it.)
He's been quiet just a little too long and he can feel it in the air between them.]
Well.
[It feels so heavy in his throat, but he pushes forward anyway.]
...I'm here whenever you are? If you ever are, I mean. I-I don't want to make it sound like you have to be. Either way, I'm not going anywhere.
[Unless Min wants him to, of course, but he gets the impression that isn't the case. This revelation hurts, but it's a hurt he can live with. It's a hurt that was always under the surface anyway, when he thought Min was straight.]
[The silence is deafening. Min-Gi watches him from the corner of his eyes, waiting for some kind of response. His hand feels warm against his own, but it isn't comforting anymore. It feels like one of them should let go, but pulling away now will probably only be more hurtful.
It isn't as bad as it could be when Ryan finally does reply, but the hurt still twists in his gut. He can hear the sadness in his voice, and he hates it. He hates knowing he's the one who upset him.]
I want to be! I'm just... scared. I've never dated a guy before. [There's a self-deprecating little huff.] I've never dated anyone.
[It would be so easy to mess it up, and while he feels like he would be safer with Ryan in some ways... there's so much more to lose.]
[Ryan is trying really hard to not indulge in what he actually wants to do, which is completely shut off all of his feelings and act like it doesn't matter than he's technically being rejected here. It's not like Min would really believe him at this point anyway.]
I've never had something serious with a guy. And girls...it was always a disaster.
[With guys it was always a one night stand, and with girls it never lasted. They always got sick of him and left. And the last thing he wants is for Min to get sick of him and leave.
He finally lets go of Min's hand so he can reach up to put a hand on his shoulder.]
I get it though. It's scary, and you need time. It's-- fine. It's okay. Really. I mean...as long as you're cool with the fact that we did this all backwards and live together?
[The truth is, Ryan is a little scared too. Is something that was so normal suddenly going to be uncomfortable and weird? Ugh, he hopes not. And what happens if Min realizes he's a shitty partner and they wind up the way of Fleetwood Mac? Ryan isn't not worried about it, but he won't know if it's something to worry about unless they try.
He can wait though. He has to wait, or he'll lose Min by rushing him. He has to wait and it has to be okay.]
I'm here for you. And if that means waiting, then it means waiting.
[Min-Gi smiles tentatively. It doesn't change that he's nervous, but it's suddenly a lot less scary with some reassurance from Ryan. He's there for him, just like he always is, and that goes a long way.]
Thank you. You're a good... [Friend? Is that still the right thing to call him...? His smile becomes just a touch more tense.] Thanks.
[Things are going to change, but he doesn't think he minds that. Everything has changed so much the past few years of their lives, but even with everything they've been through things have been better in the times he's had Ryan by his side. This is a little different, but that feels like one thing that will be the same.]
I don't want to not live with you. Even if it is backwards. I don't want anything to change.
[Which is maybe unfair to ask, but if Ryan pulls away while he figures himself out he knows how miserable he'll be. Their closeness is important to him, and he doesn't want to lose that.]
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Maybe there's something missing, something he didn't notice while they were still together? He can hardly dare to hope this is what it sounds like. Doesn't know if he's even ready for it to be what it sounds like.
Hesitantly, he steps forward. Just close enough he can touch him. This time when he reaches out he doesn't pull away. He puts a steadying hand on Ryan's arm, trying to put on a reassuring face while he makes sure they're actually talking about the same thing.]
Hey. It's okay. I... don't think you were the one who made it weird.
[He wants to be hopeful, but if they aren't on the same page here he knows he's setting himself up for a hurt he isn't ready for. Probably won't ever be ready for. Even as he tries to comfort Ryan he's still standing at almost a full arm's length, nervous at how Ryan might respond.]
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His attempt at comfort is so baffling though. It takes Ryan a moment to come down enough to fully switch gears.]
What're you talking about? It was definitely me! I'm the one that freaked out and yanked us apart, I'm the one who-- who got all in our head about like, everything! It was fine, and then I wrecked it with...feelings! Why would any of that have been you?!
[Ryan doesn't have even a shred of hope that it might have been a mutual feeling. If anything, now he's worried Min pulled apart over something else and now it's being made weird because he can't fucking win, can he?
He makes himself take a couple of steady breaths, to try and not freak out so much. He's making all of this worse, and he needs to stop it. In, and then out with a sigh.]
...Seriously man, it's not you. You didn't make it weird. Don't worry about it.
[This isn't going to work and he kind of knows it, but. He wouldn't be him if he didn't try.]
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And what if he's wrong...?
The thought lingers in the back of his mind, making him doubt himself even more than he does already.]
Are you sure? What I... we... felt before we split. I thought it was me. I thought that's what scared you.
[He's still scared, not able to actually say the words. Just hope that Ryan eventually catches on and confirms it for him one way or the other.]
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...What?
[Min thought that was him? Every time he tries to connect the dots they refuse to stick together. How could that be true? That's too good to be true. There still has to be some kind of misunderstanding here, but that...can't be.]
I wasn't scared of the feeling. I was scared it would scare you, so I...y'know. Pulled the ripcord, I guess?
[This doesn't feel real, but at least he's a little calmer now. It helps that Min doesn't actually seem scared. He's just there, and he's still there and hasn't run off.]
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It does scare me. Of course it scares me. I tried so hard not to...
[But this isn't about him. Or at least it's not just about him. He cuts himself off with a bittersweet laugh, edging closer to Ryan now that he isn't so angry.]
I don't know how to do this, Ryan. I just need you to know you didn't ruin anything.
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That has him near tears again, though he sniffles to try and force them back. Even if everything else feels surreal, Ryan believes him when he says that. Just knowing he didn't fuck this up beyond repair is such an immense comfort and relief. Min's still here, moving closer to him. He isn't weirded out or creeped out. He's just...here.
Ryan closes the rest of the gap and hugs Min close. They don't fuse in that exact moment; Ryan just holds on because he needs to more than words can explain.]
We're both talking about the same thing, right?
[Because they could go another twenty-one years without ever acknowledging it again because they couldn't spit the words out, and the thought of that scares Ryan a little too. He takes a deep breath and steels himself as though the answer could still somehow be bad, even though he's literally clinging to Min as he says it.]
About like. ...Being head over heels for you?
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He doesn't answer straight away, afraid to commit to the answer even after Ryan's said what they've both been edging around directly. After a long moment he nods, barely perceptible against the side of Ryan's head.]
What do we do? If we both have feelings for each other?
[It feels like a stupid question, and it probably is, but he's barely started letting himself acknowledge it might be okay if he's gay. This isn't a direction he'd ever allowed himself to dwell on.]
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I...don't know.
[He's never entertained the thought, not in any serious way. Any thoughts about it have been daydreams at best, quickly extinguished and buried.
Why is this so scary? This is everything he's ever secretly wanted, so why does it still feel the whole world could end if he makes one wrong move? There's excitement, but terror flowing underneath it. But...maybe it's like everything else. Maybe they have to just talk, even if it's hard.]
I never thought it would even happen? It feels too good to be true.
[He obviously isn't against it. In a lot of respects it seems like it's not even a problem at all, except for the fact that all of Ryan's previous relationships have ended in disaster. That's the absolute last thing he wants. Besides, Min seems like he might be scared too.]
...What about you? What do you want to do?
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[He pulls away just enough he can look at Ryan. It's harder to meet his eyes than it usually is, but it feels important for them to talk properly.]
I've never thought about dating. At least not... you know. [Guys.] It's not like I even knew anyone would like me. Especially not you.
[That still feels unbelievable. They've been friends their entire lives, but Min never suspected it. Now he knows his feelings are reciprocated his mind is reeling. In some ways he's more confused than he was before.]
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What?! Dude! You're so handsome! You should've had people like, all over you! Who wouldn't like you?!
[He's never loved anyone more than he's loved Min, and Min doesn't even think anyone would be interested. Ryan is stunned.]
Seriously, anyone would be lucky to be with you. I would be lucky to be with you!
[He was able to meet Min's eyes through all of that, up until the last moment. Too far? Might have been too far. Oops.]
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A little. If nothing else it renders Min speechless for a moment, unsure how to react to the outburst. The thought of having people all over him is not a comfortable one, but Ryan thinking he'd be lucky to be with him? His heart flutters, and he can feel the way the blood rushes to his cheeks leaving him a strange blotchy blue.
No one's ever called him handsome before, except his mom and maybe occasionally his grandparents. It hits very differently coming from Ryan.]
I-I don't know. I just thought... you know. Maybe I'm not the kind of guy that guys are into.
[Is that a bad thing to say? Probably, but for the most part that thought has always been more a relief than a disappointment. It was easier back when he was still trying to convince himself his only option was to somehow will himself to be straight. Even though he's out now, if only to Ryan, it still isn't something he'd wanted to think too much about. He's still working on feeling okay with himself feeling that way sometimes.]
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It doesn't work like that, man. Guys can be into lots of kinds of guys. It's not like...here's the one type of desirable dude.
[That much Ryan knows from experience. He's met guys that have preferences all over the place. It's just unfortunate that his one night stands expected him to be a particular kind of guy.]
Besides, you're definitely the kind of guy guys are into because like...honestly? I've been into you since like, middle school, man.
[Might as well throw that in there since it's all coming up now anyway.]
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[Does he though?
He's still too flustered to defend himself properly. Especially with the revelation that not only is Ryan into him, he has been since middle school. Min honestly can't say how long he's had feelings for Ryan for, but he knows he didn't figure it out until years after that. He'd spent so long confusing crushes for admiration he has no idea which was which when he tries to look back now.]
Middle school? How would you even know that? We were still kids then.
[It's a lot, and he can feel anxiety rising in him again. Logically he knows this should be a good thing, but it's so out of the blue he has no idea how he's supposed to process it all. He looks at Ryan pleadingly, clinging too him a little tighter.]
Can we sit down somewhere? Please?
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[Honestly, Ryan would love to sit anyway and if Min hadn't asked first he might have asked himself. The only snag is that they're in the bathroom, and with the overwhelming weight of all of their feelings, the living room feels too far away.
But, they're in the bathroom.
There's a bathtub.
And the grossest room at the party has historically been a good place to talk things out...
He looks from the tub, to Min, and then back to the tub again before shrugging and letting go so he can climb inside it - unless Min stops him.]
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It's nice. It helps even. He's already feeling a little better.
He sits right next to Ryan, reaching out so he can link their fingers together.]
Thank you.
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[It might not be the most comfortable place, but it's weirdly cozy and kind of nostalgic now. Even though they aren't really sure what they should do with this newfound revelation about themselves, they've still easily shifted into being able to link their fingers together in a way they've never let themselves before. Their hands fit together.]
But uh. Yeah. Since middle school...
[Ryan lets out a pressurized sigh. No one likes thinking about middle school.]
I dunno. I just...knew. I've known that I liked boys and girls for a long time, and it's not like people weren't starting to get crushes back then or anything. I lived through my sisters obsessing over boys when they were in middle school, so I don't think it's that weird?
[He remembers them being so annoying about it, but also he was like six or seven at the time so of course he thought they were.]
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[He could never wrap his head around it when people had talked about their crushes back then, but maybe Ryan's right. Just because he took a while to figure things out that doesn't mean everyone else did.]
I didn't figure out I was into you until after I realised I was gay, so... [He shrugs helplessly.] It took a while. I still don't know when it started. I guess when we were teenagers at some point?
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[Ryan gently bumps his shoulder against Min's, a signal that it isn't a bad thing at all. Sometimes Min just needs an extra minute. Ryan is a lot more cognizant of that now than he used to be.]
If it makes you feel any better, I don't know if there was an exact moment for me either? Mostly I remember realizing it and thinking "Oh no, I can't tell him EVER, he's SO STRAIGHT and he'll know I'm a creepy weirdo and never hang out with me again."
[He can even say it with a little bit of a laugh in his voice. It feels so stupid when he knows that Min eventually felt the same. Granted, he was really anxious about at least half of this literally ten minutes ago, but he seems to be feeling a little more secure about it now - enough to joke around a bit at least.]
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He's not wrong. He's acting like it's a joke, but even a few months ago the revelation would have sent him spiralling and they both know it.]
Honestly? It's probably better you didn't.
[He offers up a strained smile. He hadn't been ready before, and historically Min-Gi hasn't reacted well to things he hasn't been ready for. All too often Ryan's been the one to bear the brunt of that. He hates the thought there could have been something else that drove a wedge between them.]
I'm sorry you had to hide that stuff from me.
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But it's working out, slowly. They're talking, and that's usually better. ...Except when they were a couple of scared twelve year olds.]
It's alright. I mean...it was years ago now. And if things didn't happen the way they did, we wouldn't be here now, right? Sitting in a tub again...talking about our big gay crushes on each other...
[He isn't sure that's enough though. It's still kind of flippant, because his impulse is always to try and make Min laugh through uncomfortable things, but...Now that it's out of his mouth, he's less sure.
So, he squeezes Min's hand.]
I mean it. It's seriously not your fault. ...It was my call and I cared more about not losing you forever, so...that was that.
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[It makes it sound so trivial when it's something that sounds like it's tormented both of them for years. Mostly because of him, whether Ryan blames him for it or not.]
You wouldn't have lost me forever. [Or at least he hopes not, because that thought is unbearable.] Just... it would've taken me a while. I still don't know if I'm ready to actually be with someone.
[That's a confession that makes him almost as nervous as telling Ryan he had feelings for him in the first place. There's a part of him that wants to, but dating is just so far from anything he has experience with. No one else even knows he's gay. It feels unfair to keep Ryan pulled back in the closet with him when he's always so unapologetically himself.]
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The rest of it though, that steals the air right out of Ryan's lungs. Maybe this isn't the fairytale ending it was starting to feel like. Maybe they can both really like each other and Min still might not...want this.
(He supposes that makes sense. Min doesn't know much about it, but Ryan hasn't historically been a great boyfriend. Anyone would hesitate at starting something serious with him; he's sure of it.)
He's been quiet just a little too long and he can feel it in the air between them.]
Well.
[It feels so heavy in his throat, but he pushes forward anyway.]
...I'm here whenever you are? If you ever are, I mean. I-I don't want to make it sound like you have to be. Either way, I'm not going anywhere.
[Unless Min wants him to, of course, but he gets the impression that isn't the case. This revelation hurts, but it's a hurt he can live with. It's a hurt that was always under the surface anyway, when he thought Min was straight.]
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It isn't as bad as it could be when Ryan finally does reply, but the hurt still twists in his gut. He can hear the sadness in his voice, and he hates it. He hates knowing he's the one who upset him.]
I want to be! I'm just... scared. I've never dated a guy before. [There's a self-deprecating little huff.] I've never dated anyone.
[It would be so easy to mess it up, and while he feels like he would be safer with Ryan in some ways... there's so much more to lose.]
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I've never had something serious with a guy. And girls...it was always a disaster.
[With guys it was always a one night stand, and with girls it never lasted. They always got sick of him and left. And the last thing he wants is for Min to get sick of him and leave.
He finally lets go of Min's hand so he can reach up to put a hand on his shoulder.]
I get it though. It's scary, and you need time. It's-- fine. It's okay. Really. I mean...as long as you're cool with the fact that we did this all backwards and live together?
[The truth is, Ryan is a little scared too. Is something that was so normal suddenly going to be uncomfortable and weird? Ugh, he hopes not. And what happens if Min realizes he's a shitty partner and they wind up the way of Fleetwood Mac? Ryan isn't not worried about it, but he won't know if it's something to worry about unless they try.
He can wait though. He has to wait, or he'll lose Min by rushing him. He has to wait and it has to be okay.]
I'm here for you. And if that means waiting, then it means waiting.
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Thank you. You're a good... [Friend? Is that still the right thing to call him...? His smile becomes just a touch more tense.] Thanks.
[Things are going to change, but he doesn't think he minds that. Everything has changed so much the past few years of their lives, but even with everything they've been through things have been better in the times he's had Ryan by his side. This is a little different, but that feels like one thing that will be the same.]
I don't want to not live with you. Even if it is backwards. I don't want anything to change.
[Which is maybe unfair to ask, but if Ryan pulls away while he figures himself out he knows how miserable he'll be. Their closeness is important to him, and he doesn't want to lose that.]
Is that okay? Just for a little while?
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