[By now Min has gone from wishing he could avoid Ryan more easily to being willing to do just about anything he asks. He nods immediately, turning to shoo the two cats into the corner of the couch with his free hand so there's actually room for them. Neither of them seem thrilled by this, but they're small. They don't need to take up the whole space.
He lets Ryan take the lead on which seat he actually wants to take. If one of them feels a little better than the other then he wants him to be the one who gets to sit there.]
Do you want to do something? Or just sit around for a bit?
[It doesn't really matter what seat Ryan takes, as long as Min-Gi gets the seat next to him. The order is decided less by which seat is better and more by which arrangement doesn't require actually letting go to sit there.
Ryan sinks right back into the couch in a way that clearly seems to feel good, but he makes sure he's turned a little towards Min - not because he thinks he'll go anywhere, but because it just feels a little closer and more intimate that way. Vogue decides to climb into Ryan's lap either out of sympathy or because he wants his seat back, but Ryan seems alright with having something to do with his free hand.]
...Just sitting around is probably boring.
[For Min, he means. He doesn't want to put him through that. It seems like a shitty way to spend a day, though that might be because Ryan's still feeling like a shitty person to spend time with right now.
That being said, he doesn't know what he wants to do either. Even though he can feel himself coming down from the edge, his brain still feels like it's made of cotton.]
Sorry I tried the pancakes. They seemed normal? But...guess not, huh.
[Not wanting to be left out, Strut wedges herself in between Min and Ryan once they're both seated. This seems like the ideal way to maximise attention to her, but unfortunately means she's set between their linked hands. Min has to coax her into his own lap to make she doesn't wind up feeling neglected. Cheering Ryan up is taking enough of his efforts today without needing to tend to a sad Pokémon too.]
It's not boring.
[Or, well... It might be after a while, but for now he's happy to sit there. If this goes on for a while he can figure out something then.]
Do you think it was the pancakes?
[He's trying his best not to sound like he's judging him here. He's still not sure exactly what's happening, which makes it hard to know what he should be doing.]
[It's a small victory, but Ryan chuckles a little when Strut tries to push her way into the middle of everything. He didn't necessarily mind, but...it's admittedly nice to have that space free too.]
Probably? ...at this point I kinda hope it was. Then it'll just go away.
[That makes sense to him. Eventually it'll be out of his system and he'll be back to normal. The thought of it being more permanent than that is more than he can handle.]
...I don't even really know what "it" is? I've just been like, freaking out all day about shit I don't normally freak out this much about. Like...it all feels stupid to say out loud.
[As in he still does freak out about it sometimes. He knows he doesn't have much ground to stand on when it comes to talking stuff out right now, but if Ryan is willing to share then he does want to listen. He just might not be as pushy about it as he would've been if this had happened before All Dressed hatched.
He gives Ryan's hand a reassuring squeeze. He's here. He's not going anywhere. Whatever's going on, they're in this together.]
Talk to me. I'm not going to think it's stupid. If it bothers you then it means something, right?
[Well, he sure walked into that one. Why did he say that? Why did he say it like that? What's wrong with him?!]
It's definitely stupid. It's so, so stupid...
[But he squeezes Min's hand in return. The gesture helps ground him and remind him Min's there. Talking about it feels so much harder, like he's erased any progress he made in that regard.
Saying it out loud is terrifying. It means letting Min know he worries about this kind of thing even occasionally and revealing the horrible truth - that he's clingy and annoying and holding him back--
--and, suddenly he knows exactly how to ease into it.]
It's. It's like a bad thought, almost?
[They've talked about that before, about how they don't necessarily represent the truth of the situation, or what you're really like as a person.]
Like, usually it isn't a thing. And even when it comes up usually I can just like, squish it down and ignore it and move on? Because I... [He heaves a deep, frustrated sigh.] Like, I know better. But...I keep freaking out today anyway. Like, super freaking out, like it's end of the freaking world! Like-- like I'm dying or something, I don't get it!
[Which is, in Ryan's opinion, stupid as hell. He's obviously not dying, so why does the world feel like it's been on fire for the last several hours?!]
[He doesn't have to think about that. His response is quick and definitive, leaving no room for argument from Ryan. He's not unfamiliar with what Ryan's describing, but it's not something he has to deal with anywhere near as frequently as he used to. This isn't about him, but he gets it. He really, really gets it.]
You know... I used to get that feeling a lot. I still don't understand it, but... it happens a lot less since we got off the train.
[He's never actually had to articulate it before, at least not in so much detail. Ryan's helped him a lot, but it might not even be something he knows he's doing? Maybe he's just good at knowing what to say when it feels like the weight of the whole world's pushing down on him. That surprises him. He'd always thought that came from a place of understanding. Now their positions are switched he's not so sure how to do it himself, but he has to try. Ignoring it doesn't help. He knows that much.]
When you keep pushing a problem down, it doesn't go away. It just builds up. Eventually you can't do that anymore. It gets too much, or something happens... and it feels like the end of the world even if you know it's not. I actually thought you knew that. You're always so good at keeping me calm when that happens to me.
[For a second, this attempt to help backfires - not because it doesn't work, but because it works a little too well, and Ryan just stares, totally horrified.]
Wait. ...Wait, wait, wait. This is what that feels like for you?!
[What the fuck. What the fuck. Does this mean it wasn't the pancakes after all? Why does Min know what this feels like when he didn't have any? The worst part is that it doesn't come from a place of disbelief. He believes Min entirely, and that's the part that horrifies him.]
Min! I've spent half of today feeling like my heart was going to explode if I had to be alone! [He seems to realize that's too dramatic the second he says it though and backpedals immediately.] I-I mean, it's not, I'll be okay, but dude! I've never felt this before!
[Ryan stops petting Vogue so he can both Min's hand with both of his, as though Min's the one who needs the comfort.]
I mean...I've been worried or scared before, and I've felt like the world was over, but. It feels...different? It doesn't feel like, like this, in my body. I'm-- Min, I had no idea.
[He isn't thinking about all the times he's helped. He's thinking about all of the times he didn't get it, all of the times he was mad that Min seemingly ditched him without fully appreciating just how scared he must have been. He's come a long way since then, but trying his best to make Min feel better didn't mean that he fully understood how it physically felt.]
...You said it doesn't happen as much now? It's not this bad anymore?
[He really hopes so, because this sucks and he doesn't want Min feeling like this all the time either.]
[Min-Gi doesn't know what to say at first. He'd meant to show understanding, not make this about him and his feelings. He's fine, while Ryan is clearly not. It's also alarming to realise even though they've hashed out the differences they've had in the past, they maybe still don't understand each other as well as they thought. He'd been starting to get the feeling that maybe that was the case from what Ryan had been saying just now, but this is undeniable confirmation that maybe that kind of response to something scary isn't as normal as he'd thought. Which is weird, because he's seen Ryan shut down completely before now. How does that feel, if not the way Min so often does?
But this isn't about him. He shakes off the rising dread. This isn't about him. He can think about this later, when Ryan's back to his usual self.]
No. It's fine now. Sometimes I start to get worried, but you're there for me. You notice, and it barely ever gets to the point where it's too much.
I just... I thought you knew. I thought it was the same for everyone and you were just better at getting yourself back out of that space.
[Apparently not, which explains why he's been acting so strangely all day. He tugs Ryan's hands close to himself, so he can try and get back on track and start trying to comfort Ryan again.]
Sorry I kept trying to get away from you. I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea you were feeling like that.
[Maybe because his impulse is to do the opposite when he starts to feel like everything's too much. It always feels easier to isolate himself. To get away from everything. It isn't good for him, but being alone always feels easier in the moment.]
[Ryan lets Min tug his hands and gently pull him back on course. It's okay, because Min definitely does seem okay. Most of his worry is retroactive, a kneejerk response to realizing he had been imagining this wrong all along - that maybe Min suffered more than Ryan ever understood.
He shakes his head, softly.]
No, it's okay. I haven't been acting like myself. And I promise, I'm not usually freaking out about this. I don't want you like, worrying about me every time we're apart. ...Sometimes bad thoughts cross my mind? Like that you might get sick of me, or that I might wind up by myself again, or...something. But that's all they are. I know that I won't, and I know you won't. ...You're always there for me too, even when I don't know I need it yet.
[Sometimes he just gets an intrusive thought, and he has to tell his brain to shut the fuck up because Min obviously isn't going anywhere. Even when he loses his mind to weird magic pancakes, of all things. Just the fact that he can talk a little more calmly about it show he's already starting to feel better.]
...I'm trying to think of how to describe how it feels. I've, um. I've never had to think about it before?
[But he wants to. Min should know, so he knows what he's weighing this against in his head, but he can't if he can't put it to words.]
But...hey, maybe your way's the normal one? I could be the weirdo here.
I could never get sick of you. Do you know how much time I spent thinking about you when you were gone? I never knew it was possible to miss someone so much.
[Sure he'd been angry a lot of the time, but most of that had been frustration at his absence, or his own inability to break free of the monotony of his life the way Ryan had. He can't imagine going that long without seeing him again, and he wouldn't want to. Ryan's a fundamental part of his life, and it's hard not to be around him.]
You don't have to tell me right now. If that's not the problem now won't it just make you worse to start thinking about it?
[Or would it help? It's hard for him to say since he's apparently been wrong about how Ryan feels when he's down this whole time.]
[Ryan knows this is true. It's why the whole thing felt so dumb in the first place - because he knows all of this is true. Hearing Min say it out loud strikes a different chord though, and it finally brings a smile to his face.]
...Me either. I missed you too.
[He squeezes Min's hand, as if to punctuate the thought. It's a weird way to hold someone's hand, with both of his own, but he still doesn't really want to let go.
Min has a point though, and he considers it.]
...Maybe? But, if I'm not feeling how I usually do...maybe it won't? Plus, you're here. ...And I can always stop.
[That in itself is a good reminder, because talking it out is also kind of scary, but Min's right here. He's here and that's enough for him to be able to try.]
I think...it's usually heavy? Heavy and slow. Like...it sucks all the energy out of me. Sometimes it's, um. Kind of numb? It's hard to describe, but usually I either push through it and try and get my mind off it, or just...curl up and ride it out, I guess?
[He looks to Min-Gi, trying to gauge if any of this makes sense. He feels like it doesn't, like he's just babbling in circles here, but...at least he's trying.]
Right now everything wants to be really, really fast and urgent. But, uh. Normally it's more like...not feeling like I can move at all. Or like it's ridiculously hard, like my whole body's just dead weight.
[Min doesn't complain, if he thinks it's strange. Honestly, it doesn't cross his mind. He's used to Ryan's touch, and if this is different from usual then he figures it's only because he needs the comfort. He's fine with that.
He's a little less fine with Ryan making himself think about things that might make him feel worse, but he doesn't want to come across like he's trying to control him. He has to trust him, even when he's worried. Ryan knows what he can handle, and there are things about him that Min apparently doesn't know as well as he thought.
So he listens, even if he can't keep the concern from his features completely.]
I've seen it.
[But he didn't recognise it. He's misunderstood. Taken it for the aftermath rather than the panic itself. He feels bad now that he'd let Ryan wallow in it for so long.]
I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought you needed time. Afterwards. I thought I needed to wait.
[It doesn't surprise Ryan that Min's noticed it. It's happened enough times that he's genuinely not sure which time Min might be talking about at first. It becomes clearer though, and Ryan squeezes his hand again, ready to turn the comfort back on him again.]
No, you don't need to be sorry. I did need time, and I found you when I was ready. ...I could hear you playing, and it kind of snapped me out of some of it.
[So, Min helped. He helped more than he might have even realized.]
And that one was...pretty bad. A lot of the time I can just push through, you know? Go through the motions until it sucks less, or until I can be done with whatever it is. Sometimes other stuff happens too, but...yeah. I guess I just...shut off for the most part.
[Whereas this feels more like he is not only on at full volume, but the speakers are turned up so high that they're blowing out.]
[Ryan's attempt at comfort is not actually that helpful. Partly because even if he did need time back when they were staying with Morgan he's very aware that he gave him way too much of it. Then also because he can think of multiple other times where he knew things weren't quite right, but couldn't understand what the problem was.
Now he's had it articulated to him he can pinpoint far more times than he'd like where he'd missed the signs, and he's horrified.]
I had no idea.
[What is he meant to say here? He can't make it better. The time's already gone. ]
Ryan... That doesn't sound any better. I can't believe I never knew.
[Or when he had he hadn't realised how bad that was. It wasn't like he'd missed completely that Ryan wasn't himself when that had happened.]
[He so wants to insist that it's better than everything he's been feeling today, because he really hates how this fear makes him feel like he's actively dying, but he holds back. It seems kind of shitty when he knows this is how Min feels things, and it's a little messed up to argue as though it's a contest.]
I mean...I didn't know you felt like this either, so. We're even?
[It's the best he can offer. Neither of them can change what they've said or done, but they know now. Ryan doesn't blame him, not even for a second. And sure, he feels bad about all the times he's been insensitive, but...
Actually, the fact that there's any hesitation there at all is remarkable. Ryan sighs, relieved.]
[Except he sort of is, isn't he? They're naturally competitive and that isn't always bad, but it's pretty messed up to try and one up each other at this of all things. It's at least a relief that Ryan says this is helping. He does seem a little better, even if it hasn't exactly felt like the most reassuring of conversations to Min.]
It is?
[It is talking, which is something that's always helped ground him when this has happened to him. And they are learning about each other. He doesn't feel great about all the times he's let Ryan down in the past, but if he's feeling better now, even if it's only a little, then it can't be all bad.]
Good. I'm glad. Do you want to keep talking about this, or...?
[Or would a distraction be better? He isn't sure, and doesn't want to push Ryan in a direction that will make him feel worse again if he can help it.]
[Under normal circumstances, talking is something Ryan usually needs when he's feeling terrible. Someone to pull him back down to earth and help him feel his feelings, to ground him in the moment when he wants to just melt into the earth and to try and get him to talk when he's trying to run from a conversation.
It says a lot that talking still helps now, even when the emotions are less familiar. It must be something that helps Min too.
Though...Min needs to be ready. Just a few days ago he made it clear that talking isn't always something he wants.
Ryan glances up, trying to think about what he wants or needs. He's...not sure he wants to open up more about that particular thing. It's worrying Min, and turning into something more difficult to share in the moment. He's feeling better, but the thought of that panic creeping back up from his heart and into his throat makes him worry that the progress could get undone.
Still, there's this feeling they should do something. Anything.]
We could...get something to eat?
[Vogue (who has been casually making biscuits on Ryan for the last several minutes to try and help) perks his ears up. Food??]
We could order in. Unless we have something here?
[Distraction is good, but it's the kind of distraction that leaves the door open slightly in case they do need to talk more. Plus, it's probably a good sign in general that Ryan has any appetite at all.]
[He waits patiently for whatever decision Ryan comes to. If he says anything that might influence him, and that's not what Min wants to do here. Though when he brings up food he almost wonders if he somehow might have anyway. Ryan is usually a nightmare to convince to eat when he's not feeling good about something. Bringing food up of his own volition (twice if they count his earlier freak out earlier) is practically unheard of.
Then again, Ryan's said himself he's not used to feeling anxious like this, and Min knows first hand how much energy it can end up burning. Maybe he's starting to feel it now he's a little more himself.]
We can order in. Stay here. I'm just grabbing the menus. I promise I'm not really going anywhere.
[They could order something on the Gears easily, but fascinating as Min-Gi finds the idea he can't quite bring himself to trust it. He'd rather phone and have it delivered, or go and collect it himself on some occasions. Not that he plans on doing that today. It seems better if they both stay right here for now.
He looses Ryan's hands after one more reassuring squeeze, scooping up Strut under one arm and hastily moving the short distance to the drawer where he's stashed the takeout menus he's collected so far for Lavender. He doesn't want to leave Ryan for long now he understands what's going on with him, and wastes no time returning to him with the menus in his free hand.]
What do you feel like? We can get whatever you want.
[Ryan believes him, he trusts him, but he still feels a cold shiver run down his spine when Min lets go. In a mark of slight improvement though, he doesn't get up and follow Min anyway. He stays where he's told with Vogue curled up in his lap, but his eyes track Min everywhere he goes, from the couch to the drawer and then back to the couch again.]
Literally anything but pancakes. I don't want to look at a pancake again for the rest of my life...
[He's very aware that he did this to himself, even if he didn't know there was magical fine print involved, but he might literally never be in the mood for pancakes after all of this.
Unfortunately, that doesn't actually narrow it down at all. Ryan thumbs through the menus, sticking one for a diner that serves breakfast all day on the bottom where he doesn't have to think about it.]
Uh...I dunno, pizza maybe? What kind of toppings should we get?
[You know, on the assumption that they'd split one. While Min's thinking about that, Ryan spies something further down that particular menu and gasps.]
Oh my god, I think this one's Hawaiian? Except there's no Hawaii here so it's-- [Wait. He squints.] A...lolan? Aw, I thought it said "Aloha"-n. That would've been funnier.
[He probably should have filtered out the menus where pancakes might be an option, but it's fine. Ryan is capable of ignoring whatever he doesn't like. Which turns out not to actually be that much.
Min refrains from commenting on anything that Ryan looks at, waiting until his opinion is invited for once. If they get pizza it makes sense they would share, so he does start to try and think about it, shaking his head quietly at Strut as she tries to voice her thoughts. They have plenty of more Pokémon friendly foods. She will not be getting pizza.]
Do you want Hawaiian? Or... "Aloha"-n.
[It wouldn't be his first pick, but he is trying very hard to sound neutral so Ryan will choose what he actually wants. And "Aloha"-n would be pretty funny.]
[As soon as Strut starts adding her opinion, Vogue starts meow-ing along. This is a group decision, obviously. Obviously.
Unfortunately for Min, Ryan already knows that isn't his go-to order and that sways him from the start. He's admittedly a little curious if it's actually the same, but he shakes his head.]
Nah, I just thought it was funny.
[He hums thoughtfully as he looks through the menu. They aren't going to get anywhere if they just wait for each other to make a choice though, so he goes for a new plan.]
Well...whatever we get on it, I want extra cheese. And...an order of fries.
[Ryan looks to Min, now that he's put down a couple real suggestions.]
[This is not a group decision and Min will be ignoring their hungry felines, no matter how annoying they try to make it. He hadn't been paying that much attention to what's on the menu (not that his order usually changes much when it comes to pizza), so he leans in now so he can at least claim he'd looked it over properly.]
You know what? Hawaiian does sound pretty good. Let's see if it really is the same thing. Do you want anything else? Or soda?
[By now Strut is trying to climb his chest so she can complain about the lack of input she has directly into his ear. Doing this in front of their Pokémon might have been a mistake.]
Calm down. We'll feed you guys after we put in an order.
[Their hungry felines are very distracting, and Ryan scritches Vogue behind the ears.]
You hear that? You're gonna get to eat even before we do, so you've got nothing to whine about. [This is then undermined immediately by soft cooing--] Aw, I know. Your life is so hard...
[Vogue purrs in reply, happy that Ryan understands his life is in fact the hardest life that any pokémon has ever lived. No one has suffered like Vogue suffers, having to listen to his human and his secondary human order pizza for themselves!
Min's choice registers after that and Ryan perks right up. He genuinely hadn't been expecting Min to go for it and wouldn't have been upset if he picked something else, but he's admittedly pretty curious about it and might have thought about it for the rest of his life if they didn't try it.]
Yes! Definitely fries. --Oh, soda would be good too. Whatever's closest to Sprite?
[He definitely hasn't been paying attention to what the Poké-brand names are unless they're funny. Something about getting soda feels like a splurge since they definitely have drinks where they are, but it isn't exactly a huge one. It feels like a special treat!]
[Any other time and Min might have at least complained about it, but Ryan isn't feeling good today and even if it's his own fault Min still feels kind of bad for how frustrated he'd been. It's not like he dislikes it, so he's not really putting himself out here.]
Don't worry, I wouldn't forget your fries.
[It wouldn't be surprising if he'd missed it given the noise Strut is still making, but he's pretty good at retaining orders in his head. Especially when it comes to Ryan whose likes and dislikes he knows almost as well as his own.]
Strut, it's going to take longer if they can't hear me. Vogue's being good.
[She doesn't seem too thrilled at being compared negatively to the other cat, but the upside of her being a Pokémon is the same downside that had caused all this drama in the first place. They understand exactly what their humans are saying, so she does reluctantly settle down to let Min put in the order.
He takes the menu from Ryan so he can dial the number on his Gear, ordering them an Alolan pizza, their own separate fries, and a large bottle of Sprite. Just Sprite, strangely.]
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no subject
[By now Min has gone from wishing he could avoid Ryan more easily to being willing to do just about anything he asks. He nods immediately, turning to shoo the two cats into the corner of the couch with his free hand so there's actually room for them. Neither of them seem thrilled by this, but they're small. They don't need to take up the whole space.
He lets Ryan take the lead on which seat he actually wants to take. If one of them feels a little better than the other then he wants him to be the one who gets to sit there.]
Do you want to do something? Or just sit around for a bit?
no subject
Ryan sinks right back into the couch in a way that clearly seems to feel good, but he makes sure he's turned a little towards Min - not because he thinks he'll go anywhere, but because it just feels a little closer and more intimate that way. Vogue decides to climb into Ryan's lap either out of sympathy or because he wants his seat back, but Ryan seems alright with having something to do with his free hand.]
...Just sitting around is probably boring.
[For Min, he means. He doesn't want to put him through that. It seems like a shitty way to spend a day, though that might be because Ryan's still feeling like a shitty person to spend time with right now.
That being said, he doesn't know what he wants to do either. Even though he can feel himself coming down from the edge, his brain still feels like it's made of cotton.]
Sorry I tried the pancakes. They seemed normal? But...guess not, huh.
[Understatement of the century.]
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It's not boring.
[Or, well... It might be after a while, but for now he's happy to sit there. If this goes on for a while he can figure out something then.]
Do you think it was the pancakes?
[He's trying his best not to sound like he's judging him here. He's still not sure exactly what's happening, which makes it hard to know what he should be doing.]
no subject
Probably? ...at this point I kinda hope it was. Then it'll just go away.
[That makes sense to him. Eventually it'll be out of his system and he'll be back to normal. The thought of it being more permanent than that is more than he can handle.]
...I don't even really know what "it" is? I've just been like, freaking out all day about shit I don't normally freak out this much about. Like...it all feels stupid to say out loud.
[Min can probably wager some guesses though.]
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[As in he still does freak out about it sometimes. He knows he doesn't have much ground to stand on when it comes to talking stuff out right now, but if Ryan is willing to share then he does want to listen. He just might not be as pushy about it as he would've been if this had happened before All Dressed hatched.
He gives Ryan's hand a reassuring squeeze. He's here. He's not going anywhere. Whatever's going on, they're in this together.]
Talk to me. I'm not going to think it's stupid. If it bothers you then it means something, right?
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It's definitely stupid. It's so, so stupid...
[But he squeezes Min's hand in return. The gesture helps ground him and remind him Min's there. Talking about it feels so much harder, like he's erased any progress he made in that regard.
Saying it out loud is terrifying. It means letting Min know he worries about this kind of thing even occasionally and revealing the horrible truth - that he's clingy and annoying and holding him back--
--and, suddenly he knows exactly how to ease into it.]
It's. It's like a bad thought, almost?
[They've talked about that before, about how they don't necessarily represent the truth of the situation, or what you're really like as a person.]
Like, usually it isn't a thing. And even when it comes up usually I can just like, squish it down and ignore it and move on? Because I... [He heaves a deep, frustrated sigh.] Like, I know better. But...I keep freaking out today anyway. Like, super freaking out, like it's end of the freaking world! Like-- like I'm dying or something, I don't get it!
[Which is, in Ryan's opinion, stupid as hell. He's obviously not dying, so why does the world feel like it's been on fire for the last several hours?!]
no subject
[He doesn't have to think about that. His response is quick and definitive, leaving no room for argument from Ryan. He's not unfamiliar with what Ryan's describing, but it's not something he has to deal with anywhere near as frequently as he used to. This isn't about him, but he gets it. He really, really gets it.]
You know... I used to get that feeling a lot. I still don't understand it, but... it happens a lot less since we got off the train.
[He's never actually had to articulate it before, at least not in so much detail. Ryan's helped him a lot, but it might not even be something he knows he's doing? Maybe he's just good at knowing what to say when it feels like the weight of the whole world's pushing down on him. That surprises him. He'd always thought that came from a place of understanding. Now their positions are switched he's not so sure how to do it himself, but he has to try. Ignoring it doesn't help. He knows that much.]
When you keep pushing a problem down, it doesn't go away. It just builds up. Eventually you can't do that anymore. It gets too much, or something happens... and it feels like the end of the world even if you know it's not. I actually thought you knew that. You're always so good at keeping me calm when that happens to me.
no subject
Wait. ...Wait, wait, wait. This is what that feels like for you?!
[What the fuck. What the fuck. Does this mean it wasn't the pancakes after all? Why does Min know what this feels like when he didn't have any? The worst part is that it doesn't come from a place of disbelief. He believes Min entirely, and that's the part that horrifies him.]
Min! I've spent half of today feeling like my heart was going to explode if I had to be alone! [He seems to realize that's too dramatic the second he says it though and backpedals immediately.] I-I mean, it's not, I'll be okay, but dude! I've never felt this before!
[Ryan stops petting Vogue so he can both Min's hand with both of his, as though Min's the one who needs the comfort.]
I mean...I've been worried or scared before, and I've felt like the world was over, but. It feels...different? It doesn't feel like, like this, in my body. I'm-- Min, I had no idea.
[He isn't thinking about all the times he's helped. He's thinking about all of the times he didn't get it, all of the times he was mad that Min seemingly ditched him without fully appreciating just how scared he must have been. He's come a long way since then, but trying his best to make Min feel better didn't mean that he fully understood how it physically felt.]
...You said it doesn't happen as much now? It's not this bad anymore?
[He really hopes so, because this sucks and he doesn't want Min feeling like this all the time either.]
no subject
But this isn't about him. He shakes off the rising dread. This isn't about him. He can think about this later, when Ryan's back to his usual self.]
No. It's fine now. Sometimes I start to get worried, but you're there for me. You notice, and it barely ever gets to the point where it's too much.
I just... I thought you knew. I thought it was the same for everyone and you were just better at getting yourself back out of that space.
[Apparently not, which explains why he's been acting so strangely all day. He tugs Ryan's hands close to himself, so he can try and get back on track and start trying to comfort Ryan again.]
Sorry I kept trying to get away from you. I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea you were feeling like that.
[Maybe because his impulse is to do the opposite when he starts to feel like everything's too much. It always feels easier to isolate himself. To get away from everything. It isn't good for him, but being alone always feels easier in the moment.]
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He shakes his head, softly.]
No, it's okay. I haven't been acting like myself. And I promise, I'm not usually freaking out about this. I don't want you like, worrying about me every time we're apart. ...Sometimes bad thoughts cross my mind? Like that you might get sick of me, or that I might wind up by myself again, or...something. But that's all they are. I know that I won't, and I know you won't. ...You're always there for me too, even when I don't know I need it yet.
[Sometimes he just gets an intrusive thought, and he has to tell his brain to shut the fuck up because Min obviously isn't going anywhere. Even when he loses his mind to weird magic pancakes, of all things. Just the fact that he can talk a little more calmly about it show he's already starting to feel better.]
...I'm trying to think of how to describe how it feels. I've, um. I've never had to think about it before?
[But he wants to. Min should know, so he knows what he's weighing this against in his head, but he can't if he can't put it to words.]
But...hey, maybe your way's the normal one? I could be the weirdo here.
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[Sure he'd been angry a lot of the time, but most of that had been frustration at his absence, or his own inability to break free of the monotony of his life the way Ryan had. He can't imagine going that long without seeing him again, and he wouldn't want to. Ryan's a fundamental part of his life, and it's hard not to be around him.]
You don't have to tell me right now. If that's not the problem now won't it just make you worse to start thinking about it?
[Or would it help? It's hard for him to say since he's apparently been wrong about how Ryan feels when he's down this whole time.]
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...Me either. I missed you too.
[He squeezes Min's hand, as if to punctuate the thought. It's a weird way to hold someone's hand, with both of his own, but he still doesn't really want to let go.
Min has a point though, and he considers it.]
...Maybe? But, if I'm not feeling how I usually do...maybe it won't? Plus, you're here. ...And I can always stop.
[That in itself is a good reminder, because talking it out is also kind of scary, but Min's right here. He's here and that's enough for him to be able to try.]
I think...it's usually heavy? Heavy and slow. Like...it sucks all the energy out of me. Sometimes it's, um. Kind of numb? It's hard to describe, but usually I either push through it and try and get my mind off it, or just...curl up and ride it out, I guess?
[He looks to Min-Gi, trying to gauge if any of this makes sense. He feels like it doesn't, like he's just babbling in circles here, but...at least he's trying.]
Right now everything wants to be really, really fast and urgent. But, uh. Normally it's more like...not feeling like I can move at all. Or like it's ridiculously hard, like my whole body's just dead weight.
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He's a little less fine with Ryan making himself think about things that might make him feel worse, but he doesn't want to come across like he's trying to control him. He has to trust him, even when he's worried. Ryan knows what he can handle, and there are things about him that Min apparently doesn't know as well as he thought.
So he listens, even if he can't keep the concern from his features completely.]
I've seen it.
[But he didn't recognise it. He's misunderstood. Taken it for the aftermath rather than the panic itself. He feels bad now that he'd let Ryan wallow in it for so long.]
I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought you needed time. Afterwards. I thought I needed to wait.
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No, you don't need to be sorry. I did need time, and I found you when I was ready. ...I could hear you playing, and it kind of snapped me out of some of it.
[So, Min helped. He helped more than he might have even realized.]
And that one was...pretty bad. A lot of the time I can just push through, you know? Go through the motions until it sucks less, or until I can be done with whatever it is. Sometimes other stuff happens too, but...yeah. I guess I just...shut off for the most part.
[Whereas this feels more like he is not only on at full volume, but the speakers are turned up so high that they're blowing out.]
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Now he's had it articulated to him he can pinpoint far more times than he'd like where he'd missed the signs, and he's horrified.]
I had no idea.
[What is he meant to say here? He can't make it better. The time's already gone. ]
Ryan... That doesn't sound any better. I can't believe I never knew.
[Or when he had he hadn't realised how bad that was. It wasn't like he'd missed completely that Ryan wasn't himself when that had happened.]
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I mean...I didn't know you felt like this either, so. We're even?
[It's the best he can offer. Neither of them can change what they've said or done, but they know now. Ryan doesn't blame him, not even for a second. And sure, he feels bad about all the times he's been insensitive, but...
Actually, the fact that there's any hesitation there at all is remarkable. Ryan sighs, relieved.]
I think this is kind of helping.
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[Except he sort of is, isn't he? They're naturally competitive and that isn't always bad, but it's pretty messed up to try and one up each other at this of all things. It's at least a relief that Ryan says this is helping. He does seem a little better, even if it hasn't exactly felt like the most reassuring of conversations to Min.]
It is?
[It is talking, which is something that's always helped ground him when this has happened to him. And they are learning about each other. He doesn't feel great about all the times he's let Ryan down in the past, but if he's feeling better now, even if it's only a little, then it can't be all bad.]
Good. I'm glad. Do you want to keep talking about this, or...?
[Or would a distraction be better? He isn't sure, and doesn't want to push Ryan in a direction that will make him feel worse again if he can help it.]
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It says a lot that talking still helps now, even when the emotions are less familiar. It must be something that helps Min too.
Though...Min needs to be ready. Just a few days ago he made it clear that talking isn't always something he wants.
Ryan glances up, trying to think about what he wants or needs. He's...not sure he wants to open up more about that particular thing. It's worrying Min, and turning into something more difficult to share in the moment. He's feeling better, but the thought of that panic creeping back up from his heart and into his throat makes him worry that the progress could get undone.
Still, there's this feeling they should do something. Anything.]
We could...get something to eat?
[Vogue (who has been casually making biscuits on Ryan for the last several minutes to try and help) perks his ears up. Food??]
We could order in. Unless we have something here?
[Distraction is good, but it's the kind of distraction that leaves the door open slightly in case they do need to talk more. Plus, it's probably a good sign in general that Ryan has any appetite at all.]
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Then again, Ryan's said himself he's not used to feeling anxious like this, and Min knows first hand how much energy it can end up burning. Maybe he's starting to feel it now he's a little more himself.]
We can order in. Stay here. I'm just grabbing the menus. I promise I'm not really going anywhere.
[They could order something on the Gears easily, but fascinating as Min-Gi finds the idea he can't quite bring himself to trust it. He'd rather phone and have it delivered, or go and collect it himself on some occasions. Not that he plans on doing that today. It seems better if they both stay right here for now.
He looses Ryan's hands after one more reassuring squeeze, scooping up Strut under one arm and hastily moving the short distance to the drawer where he's stashed the takeout menus he's collected so far for Lavender. He doesn't want to leave Ryan for long now he understands what's going on with him, and wastes no time returning to him with the menus in his free hand.]
What do you feel like? We can get whatever you want.
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Literally anything but pancakes. I don't want to look at a pancake again for the rest of my life...
[He's very aware that he did this to himself, even if he didn't know there was magical fine print involved, but he might literally never be in the mood for pancakes after all of this.
Unfortunately, that doesn't actually narrow it down at all. Ryan thumbs through the menus, sticking one for a diner that serves breakfast all day on the bottom where he doesn't have to think about it.]
Uh...I dunno, pizza maybe? What kind of toppings should we get?
[You know, on the assumption that they'd split one. While Min's thinking about that, Ryan spies something further down that particular menu and gasps.]
Oh my god, I think this one's Hawaiian? Except there's no Hawaii here so it's-- [Wait. He squints.] A...lolan? Aw, I thought it said "Aloha"-n. That would've been funnier.
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Min refrains from commenting on anything that Ryan looks at, waiting until his opinion is invited for once. If they get pizza it makes sense they would share, so he does start to try and think about it, shaking his head quietly at Strut as she tries to voice her thoughts. They have plenty of more Pokémon friendly foods. She will not be getting pizza.]
Do you want Hawaiian? Or... "Aloha"-n.
[It wouldn't be his first pick, but he is trying very hard to sound neutral so Ryan will choose what he actually wants. And "Aloha"-n would be pretty funny.]
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Unfortunately for Min, Ryan already knows that isn't his go-to order and that sways him from the start. He's admittedly a little curious if it's actually the same, but he shakes his head.]
Nah, I just thought it was funny.
[He hums thoughtfully as he looks through the menu. They aren't going to get anywhere if they just wait for each other to make a choice though, so he goes for a new plan.]
Well...whatever we get on it, I want extra cheese. And...an order of fries.
[Ryan looks to Min, now that he's put down a couple real suggestions.]
What do you want on it?
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You know what? Hawaiian does sound pretty good. Let's see if it really is the same thing. Do you want anything else? Or soda?
[By now Strut is trying to climb his chest so she can complain about the lack of input she has directly into his ear. Doing this in front of their Pokémon might have been a mistake.]
Calm down. We'll feed you guys after we put in an order.
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You hear that? You're gonna get to eat even before we do, so you've got nothing to whine about. [This is then undermined immediately by soft cooing--] Aw, I know. Your life is so hard...
[Vogue purrs in reply, happy that Ryan understands his life is in fact the hardest life that any pokémon has ever lived. No one has suffered like Vogue suffers, having to listen to his human and his secondary human order pizza for themselves!
Min's choice registers after that and Ryan perks right up. He genuinely hadn't been expecting Min to go for it and wouldn't have been upset if he picked something else, but he's admittedly pretty curious about it and might have thought about it for the rest of his life if they didn't try it.]
Yes! Definitely fries. --Oh, soda would be good too. Whatever's closest to Sprite?
[He definitely hasn't been paying attention to what the Poké-brand names are unless they're funny. Something about getting soda feels like a splurge since they definitely have drinks where they are, but it isn't exactly a huge one. It feels like a special treat!]
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Don't worry, I wouldn't forget your fries.
[It wouldn't be surprising if he'd missed it given the noise Strut is still making, but he's pretty good at retaining orders in his head. Especially when it comes to Ryan whose likes and dislikes he knows almost as well as his own.]
Strut, it's going to take longer if they can't hear me. Vogue's being good.
[She doesn't seem too thrilled at being compared negatively to the other cat, but the upside of her being a Pokémon is the same downside that had caused all this drama in the first place. They understand exactly what their humans are saying, so she does reluctantly settle down to let Min put in the order.
He takes the menu from Ryan so he can dial the number on his Gear, ordering them an Alolan pizza, their own separate fries, and a large bottle of Sprite. Just Sprite, strangely.]
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