[It doesn't matter if he said he didn't do it or not. The fact he even mentioned it makes him wonder whether he'd thought about it, and with how he's been acting today it's not something he'd put past him.]
Ryan.
[He wants to be sympathetic to him. He really does. But Ryan is not making that easy on him. It definitely feels like something is wrong here, and given their talk the other day... it's hard not to think this is his fault. Or that it could be. It's odd that this is only happening a few days later, but what else could be making him act like this?]
Look. If this is about the other day, you don't have to worry. I'm fine. We're fine. I'm not going to disappear if you turn your back for a second.
It's not about that! It's not. I...I know that you won't.
[Then why was that so hard to say? Why does just the thought of it make his hands tremble? It's enough that Strut can actually feel it and squirms out of Ryan's arms.]
A-And like, I've been fine since then, so. It's not that. It wouldn't make any sense...
[He rubs at his elbow, unsure how to feel about the fact that his arms are empty now. None of this makes any sense and he knows he's been super weird and off putting, but he doesn't actually know how to make it stop.]
[Min reaches out to catch Strut. She'd be fine. She's a cat. She's still so tiny he worries about her falling sometimes. Once she's safely set down next to Vogue he motions Ryan over so he can feel his forehead. He's being a pain, but that doesn't stop him worrying.]
Are you sure you aren't sick? I told you those pancakes were a bad idea...
[Ryan moves closer as instructed, his eyes fluttering shut as Min feels his forehead. He isn't warm, but he does actually feel sort of clammy.
Having Min touch him feels incredibly reassuring though, and it takes everything in him not to whine when he does eventually pull his hand away. He needs to stop being like this, or he's going to freak Min out even more.]
I don't think so...? They just tasted like normal pancakes.
[But logically, that's probably what's causing all of this. He doesn't love that Min was probably right, but...]
...I guess I have felt a little weird though. Kind of.
[Lucky for Ryan it's hard for Min to be smug when he's worried. He only looks a little judgy as he draws his hand back, and he doesn't say anything else about the pancakes. What's done is done. It's not as though Ryan can go back and not eat them.]
You should let me go and get something for your stomach. Maybe that would help you feel better.
["Should" because he's not convinced Ryan will let him leave him alone for that long, and he doesn't want to bring him along if he is unwell. He'd be better off staying behind to rest.]
My stomach is totally fine. You don't have to do that. O-Or I could go with you, maybe! We could go out somewhere? Are you hungry?
[He doesn't feel right at all, but maybe he can pretend to be normal in public? Anything, anything but leaving him here by himself. He's trying to smile, but he actually looks kind of terrified at the thought of being left alone.]
We could...I dunno, we could order in? You don't have to go out just for me. Really.
[Min-Gi doesn't look like he's convinced by Ryan's insistence, but it's not like he wants to do anything that will end up getting him more worked up.]
I'm not hungry, Ryan. I'm worried about you.
[But if he can't take Ryan out and he can't go anywhere without him he's sort of stuck. What is he supposed to do if he can't do either of those things? Wait it out until Ryan's feeling better? He doesn't like that option either.]
[Ryan actually seems kind of guilty about that. He knows there's reason for Min to worry, because obviously he's being really weird and can't seem to control it. But Min worrying is going to make Min leave him here by himself and that makes him feel more sick than anything.]
I-I can come with you! I can come with you, I can handle it. I promise.
[He reaches out for Min's hand, and if Min lets him take it he'll feel how untrue that really is - Ryan is still trembling. His heart is pounding.]
I will be one hundred percent fine, just-- just let me come with you. Please?
[This really doesn't help. There's clearly something very wrong, but there's so little Min can do about it without freaking Ryan out even worse.]
Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere.
[Not if he's going to panic like this, even if it delays his recovery from... whatever this is.]
Please, just... try and relax. I'm not going to leave you if you're going to freak out.
[He doesn't want to sound mean, but also he really, really wants Ryan to calm down even if it's just a little bit. He's not going to feel better if he's this worked up.]
[Min doesn't sound mean. He sounds like someone trying to be as reasonable as he can with someone who sounds like they're going nuts in real time. Or at least, that's how Ryan thinks he sounds.
He makes himself breathe slowly, in and out. He's not really sure how long he's been hyperventilating, but making himself breathe does ease some of it. Shutting his eyes would probably help too, but he doesn't want to. Not right now.]
Sorry. I...I don't know what's wrong with me? I don't want to be freaking out! You're right, it's not like me and it just-- i-it'll just make everything worse.
[He bites at his lower lip, trying to will himself to stop feeling like he's going to cry if Min goes to a store without him. A sharp breath in, and a long breath out....]
[For someone who's had his fair share of panic attacks, Min actually does not have much of an idea of how to deal with them. He hovers close to Ryan, reaching out but not quite daring to touch him. As though he's worried Ryan will break if he makes contact.]
It's okay. It's not stupid. You'll... you'll feel better soon, and if you don't want me to go then I won't.
[He still feels like he should get him something, but leaving will definitely only make the situation worse even if he was just planning on fetching things that might help him feel better.]
It's definitely stupid...you should be able to go to the store without me having a nuclear meltdown.
[What is Min supposed to do? Be within arm's reach for the rest of forever? That's not actually reasonable or possible.
Sometimes Ryan doesn't want to be touched when he's feeling particularly overwhelmed or overstimulated. Right now though, the comfort of having Min right there, right obviously there, is more important. He reaches up and takes Min's hand, holding it and rubbing his thumb against the back like a worry stone.]
...Can we sit, or. Or something?
[He doesn't really know what he wants or needs or whatever, but sitting would be better probably.]
[By now Min has gone from wishing he could avoid Ryan more easily to being willing to do just about anything he asks. He nods immediately, turning to shoo the two cats into the corner of the couch with his free hand so there's actually room for them. Neither of them seem thrilled by this, but they're small. They don't need to take up the whole space.
He lets Ryan take the lead on which seat he actually wants to take. If one of them feels a little better than the other then he wants him to be the one who gets to sit there.]
Do you want to do something? Or just sit around for a bit?
[It doesn't really matter what seat Ryan takes, as long as Min-Gi gets the seat next to him. The order is decided less by which seat is better and more by which arrangement doesn't require actually letting go to sit there.
Ryan sinks right back into the couch in a way that clearly seems to feel good, but he makes sure he's turned a little towards Min - not because he thinks he'll go anywhere, but because it just feels a little closer and more intimate that way. Vogue decides to climb into Ryan's lap either out of sympathy or because he wants his seat back, but Ryan seems alright with having something to do with his free hand.]
...Just sitting around is probably boring.
[For Min, he means. He doesn't want to put him through that. It seems like a shitty way to spend a day, though that might be because Ryan's still feeling like a shitty person to spend time with right now.
That being said, he doesn't know what he wants to do either. Even though he can feel himself coming down from the edge, his brain still feels like it's made of cotton.]
Sorry I tried the pancakes. They seemed normal? But...guess not, huh.
[Or, well... It might be after a while, but for now he's happy to sit there. If this goes on for a while he can figure out something then.]
Do you think it was the pancakes?
[He's trying his best not to sound like he's judging him here. He's still not sure exactly what's happening, which makes it hard to know what he should be doing.]
[It's a small victory, but Ryan chuckles a little when Strut tries to push her way into the middle of everything. He didn't necessarily mind, but...it's admittedly nice to have that space free too.]
Probably? ...at this point I kinda hope it was. Then it'll just go away.
[That makes sense to him. Eventually it'll be out of his system and he'll be back to normal. The thought of it being more permanent than that is more than he can handle.]
...I don't even really know what "it" is? I've just been like, freaking out all day about shit I don't normally freak out this much about. Like...it all feels stupid to say out loud.
[As in he still does freak out about it sometimes. He knows he doesn't have much ground to stand on when it comes to talking stuff out right now, but if Ryan is willing to share then he does want to listen. He just might not be as pushy about it as he would've been if this had happened before All Dressed hatched.
He gives Ryan's hand a reassuring squeeze. He's here. He's not going anywhere. Whatever's going on, they're in this together.]
Talk to me. I'm not going to think it's stupid. If it bothers you then it means something, right?
[Well, he sure walked into that one. Why did he say that? Why did he say it like that? What's wrong with him?!]
It's definitely stupid. It's so, so stupid...
[But he squeezes Min's hand in return. The gesture helps ground him and remind him Min's there. Talking about it feels so much harder, like he's erased any progress he made in that regard.
Saying it out loud is terrifying. It means letting Min know he worries about this kind of thing even occasionally and revealing the horrible truth - that he's clingy and annoying and holding him back--
--and, suddenly he knows exactly how to ease into it.]
It's. It's like a bad thought, almost?
[They've talked about that before, about how they don't necessarily represent the truth of the situation, or what you're really like as a person.]
Like, usually it isn't a thing. And even when it comes up usually I can just like, squish it down and ignore it and move on? Because I... [He heaves a deep, frustrated sigh.] Like, I know better. But...I keep freaking out today anyway. Like, super freaking out, like it's end of the freaking world! Like-- like I'm dying or something, I don't get it!
[Which is, in Ryan's opinion, stupid as hell. He's obviously not dying, so why does the world feel like it's been on fire for the last several hours?!]
[He doesn't have to think about that. His response is quick and definitive, leaving no room for argument from Ryan. He's not unfamiliar with what Ryan's describing, but it's not something he has to deal with anywhere near as frequently as he used to. This isn't about him, but he gets it. He really, really gets it.]
You know... I used to get that feeling a lot. I still don't understand it, but... it happens a lot less since we got off the train.
[He's never actually had to articulate it before, at least not in so much detail. Ryan's helped him a lot, but it might not even be something he knows he's doing? Maybe he's just good at knowing what to say when it feels like the weight of the whole world's pushing down on him. That surprises him. He'd always thought that came from a place of understanding. Now their positions are switched he's not so sure how to do it himself, but he has to try. Ignoring it doesn't help. He knows that much.]
When you keep pushing a problem down, it doesn't go away. It just builds up. Eventually you can't do that anymore. It gets too much, or something happens... and it feels like the end of the world even if you know it's not. I actually thought you knew that. You're always so good at keeping me calm when that happens to me.
[For a second, this attempt to help backfires - not because it doesn't work, but because it works a little too well, and Ryan just stares, totally horrified.]
Wait. ...Wait, wait, wait. This is what that feels like for you?!
[What the fuck. What the fuck. Does this mean it wasn't the pancakes after all? Why does Min know what this feels like when he didn't have any? The worst part is that it doesn't come from a place of disbelief. He believes Min entirely, and that's the part that horrifies him.]
Min! I've spent half of today feeling like my heart was going to explode if I had to be alone! [He seems to realize that's too dramatic the second he says it though and backpedals immediately.] I-I mean, it's not, I'll be okay, but dude! I've never felt this before!
[Ryan stops petting Vogue so he can both Min's hand with both of his, as though Min's the one who needs the comfort.]
I mean...I've been worried or scared before, and I've felt like the world was over, but. It feels...different? It doesn't feel like, like this, in my body. I'm-- Min, I had no idea.
[He isn't thinking about all the times he's helped. He's thinking about all of the times he didn't get it, all of the times he was mad that Min seemingly ditched him without fully appreciating just how scared he must have been. He's come a long way since then, but trying his best to make Min feel better didn't mean that he fully understood how it physically felt.]
...You said it doesn't happen as much now? It's not this bad anymore?
[He really hopes so, because this sucks and he doesn't want Min feeling like this all the time either.]
[Min-Gi doesn't know what to say at first. He'd meant to show understanding, not make this about him and his feelings. He's fine, while Ryan is clearly not. It's also alarming to realise even though they've hashed out the differences they've had in the past, they maybe still don't understand each other as well as they thought. He'd been starting to get the feeling that maybe that was the case from what Ryan had been saying just now, but this is undeniable confirmation that maybe that kind of response to something scary isn't as normal as he'd thought. Which is weird, because he's seen Ryan shut down completely before now. How does that feel, if not the way Min so often does?
But this isn't about him. He shakes off the rising dread. This isn't about him. He can think about this later, when Ryan's back to his usual self.]
No. It's fine now. Sometimes I start to get worried, but you're there for me. You notice, and it barely ever gets to the point where it's too much.
I just... I thought you knew. I thought it was the same for everyone and you were just better at getting yourself back out of that space.
[Apparently not, which explains why he's been acting so strangely all day. He tugs Ryan's hands close to himself, so he can try and get back on track and start trying to comfort Ryan again.]
Sorry I kept trying to get away from you. I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea you were feeling like that.
[Maybe because his impulse is to do the opposite when he starts to feel like everything's too much. It always feels easier to isolate himself. To get away from everything. It isn't good for him, but being alone always feels easier in the moment.]
[Ryan lets Min tug his hands and gently pull him back on course. It's okay, because Min definitely does seem okay. Most of his worry is retroactive, a kneejerk response to realizing he had been imagining this wrong all along - that maybe Min suffered more than Ryan ever understood.
He shakes his head, softly.]
No, it's okay. I haven't been acting like myself. And I promise, I'm not usually freaking out about this. I don't want you like, worrying about me every time we're apart. ...Sometimes bad thoughts cross my mind? Like that you might get sick of me, or that I might wind up by myself again, or...something. But that's all they are. I know that I won't, and I know you won't. ...You're always there for me too, even when I don't know I need it yet.
[Sometimes he just gets an intrusive thought, and he has to tell his brain to shut the fuck up because Min obviously isn't going anywhere. Even when he loses his mind to weird magic pancakes, of all things. Just the fact that he can talk a little more calmly about it show he's already starting to feel better.]
...I'm trying to think of how to describe how it feels. I've, um. I've never had to think about it before?
[But he wants to. Min should know, so he knows what he's weighing this against in his head, but he can't if he can't put it to words.]
But...hey, maybe your way's the normal one? I could be the weirdo here.
I could never get sick of you. Do you know how much time I spent thinking about you when you were gone? I never knew it was possible to miss someone so much.
[Sure he'd been angry a lot of the time, but most of that had been frustration at his absence, or his own inability to break free of the monotony of his life the way Ryan had. He can't imagine going that long without seeing him again, and he wouldn't want to. Ryan's a fundamental part of his life, and it's hard not to be around him.]
You don't have to tell me right now. If that's not the problem now won't it just make you worse to start thinking about it?
[Or would it help? It's hard for him to say since he's apparently been wrong about how Ryan feels when he's down this whole time.]
[Ryan knows this is true. It's why the whole thing felt so dumb in the first place - because he knows all of this is true. Hearing Min say it out loud strikes a different chord though, and it finally brings a smile to his face.]
...Me either. I missed you too.
[He squeezes Min's hand, as if to punctuate the thought. It's a weird way to hold someone's hand, with both of his own, but he still doesn't really want to let go.
Min has a point though, and he considers it.]
...Maybe? But, if I'm not feeling how I usually do...maybe it won't? Plus, you're here. ...And I can always stop.
[That in itself is a good reminder, because talking it out is also kind of scary, but Min's right here. He's here and that's enough for him to be able to try.]
I think...it's usually heavy? Heavy and slow. Like...it sucks all the energy out of me. Sometimes it's, um. Kind of numb? It's hard to describe, but usually I either push through it and try and get my mind off it, or just...curl up and ride it out, I guess?
[He looks to Min-Gi, trying to gauge if any of this makes sense. He feels like it doesn't, like he's just babbling in circles here, but...at least he's trying.]
Right now everything wants to be really, really fast and urgent. But, uh. Normally it's more like...not feeling like I can move at all. Or like it's ridiculously hard, like my whole body's just dead weight.
[Min doesn't complain, if he thinks it's strange. Honestly, it doesn't cross his mind. He's used to Ryan's touch, and if this is different from usual then he figures it's only because he needs the comfort. He's fine with that.
He's a little less fine with Ryan making himself think about things that might make him feel worse, but he doesn't want to come across like he's trying to control him. He has to trust him, even when he's worried. Ryan knows what he can handle, and there are things about him that Min apparently doesn't know as well as he thought.
So he listens, even if he can't keep the concern from his features completely.]
I've seen it.
[But he didn't recognise it. He's misunderstood. Taken it for the aftermath rather than the panic itself. He feels bad now that he'd let Ryan wallow in it for so long.]
I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought you needed time. Afterwards. I thought I needed to wait.
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no subject
Ryan.
[He wants to be sympathetic to him. He really does. But Ryan is not making that easy on him. It definitely feels like something is wrong here, and given their talk the other day... it's hard not to think this is his fault. Or that it could be. It's odd that this is only happening a few days later, but what else could be making him act like this?]
Look. If this is about the other day, you don't have to worry. I'm fine. We're fine. I'm not going to disappear if you turn your back for a second.
no subject
It's not about that! It's not. I...I know that you won't.
[Then why was that so hard to say? Why does just the thought of it make his hands tremble? It's enough that Strut can actually feel it and squirms out of Ryan's arms.]
A-And like, I've been fine since then, so. It's not that. It wouldn't make any sense...
[He rubs at his elbow, unsure how to feel about the fact that his arms are empty now. None of this makes any sense and he knows he's been super weird and off putting, but he doesn't actually know how to make it stop.]
no subject
Are you sure you aren't sick? I told you those pancakes were a bad idea...
no subject
Having Min touch him feels incredibly reassuring though, and it takes everything in him not to whine when he does eventually pull his hand away. He needs to stop being like this, or he's going to freak Min out even more.]
I don't think so...? They just tasted like normal pancakes.
[But logically, that's probably what's causing all of this. He doesn't love that Min was probably right, but...]
...I guess I have felt a little weird though. Kind of.
no subject
You should let me go and get something for your stomach. Maybe that would help you feel better.
["Should" because he's not convinced Ryan will let him leave him alone for that long, and he doesn't want to bring him along if he is unwell. He'd be better off staying behind to rest.]
no subject
My stomach is totally fine. You don't have to do that. O-Or I could go with you, maybe! We could go out somewhere? Are you hungry?
[He doesn't feel right at all, but maybe he can pretend to be normal in public? Anything, anything but leaving him here by himself. He's trying to smile, but he actually looks kind of terrified at the thought of being left alone.]
We could...I dunno, we could order in? You don't have to go out just for me. Really.
no subject
I'm not hungry, Ryan. I'm worried about you.
[But if he can't take Ryan out and he can't go anywhere without him he's sort of stuck. What is he supposed to do if he can't do either of those things? Wait it out until Ryan's feeling better? He doesn't like that option either.]
no subject
I-I can come with you! I can come with you, I can handle it. I promise.
[He reaches out for Min's hand, and if Min lets him take it he'll feel how untrue that really is - Ryan is still trembling. His heart is pounding.]
I will be one hundred percent fine, just-- just let me come with you. Please?
no subject
Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere.
[Not if he's going to panic like this, even if it delays his recovery from... whatever this is.]
Please, just... try and relax. I'm not going to leave you if you're going to freak out.
[He doesn't want to sound mean, but also he really, really wants Ryan to calm down even if it's just a little bit. He's not going to feel better if he's this worked up.]
no subject
He makes himself breathe slowly, in and out. He's not really sure how long he's been hyperventilating, but making himself breathe does ease some of it. Shutting his eyes would probably help too, but he doesn't want to. Not right now.]
Sorry. I...I don't know what's wrong with me? I don't want to be freaking out! You're right, it's not like me and it just-- i-it'll just make everything worse.
[He bites at his lower lip, trying to will himself to stop feeling like he's going to cry if Min goes to a store without him. A sharp breath in, and a long breath out....]
...This is so stupid. I don't wanna be like this!
no subject
It's okay. It's not stupid. You'll... you'll feel better soon, and if you don't want me to go then I won't.
[He still feels like he should get him something, but leaving will definitely only make the situation worse even if he was just planning on fetching things that might help him feel better.]
no subject
[What is Min supposed to do? Be within arm's reach for the rest of forever? That's not actually reasonable or possible.
Sometimes Ryan doesn't want to be touched when he's feeling particularly overwhelmed or overstimulated. Right now though, the comfort of having Min right there, right obviously there, is more important. He reaches up and takes Min's hand, holding it and rubbing his thumb against the back like a worry stone.]
...Can we sit, or. Or something?
[He doesn't really know what he wants or needs or whatever, but sitting would be better probably.]
no subject
[By now Min has gone from wishing he could avoid Ryan more easily to being willing to do just about anything he asks. He nods immediately, turning to shoo the two cats into the corner of the couch with his free hand so there's actually room for them. Neither of them seem thrilled by this, but they're small. They don't need to take up the whole space.
He lets Ryan take the lead on which seat he actually wants to take. If one of them feels a little better than the other then he wants him to be the one who gets to sit there.]
Do you want to do something? Or just sit around for a bit?
no subject
Ryan sinks right back into the couch in a way that clearly seems to feel good, but he makes sure he's turned a little towards Min - not because he thinks he'll go anywhere, but because it just feels a little closer and more intimate that way. Vogue decides to climb into Ryan's lap either out of sympathy or because he wants his seat back, but Ryan seems alright with having something to do with his free hand.]
...Just sitting around is probably boring.
[For Min, he means. He doesn't want to put him through that. It seems like a shitty way to spend a day, though that might be because Ryan's still feeling like a shitty person to spend time with right now.
That being said, he doesn't know what he wants to do either. Even though he can feel himself coming down from the edge, his brain still feels like it's made of cotton.]
Sorry I tried the pancakes. They seemed normal? But...guess not, huh.
[Understatement of the century.]
no subject
It's not boring.
[Or, well... It might be after a while, but for now he's happy to sit there. If this goes on for a while he can figure out something then.]
Do you think it was the pancakes?
[He's trying his best not to sound like he's judging him here. He's still not sure exactly what's happening, which makes it hard to know what he should be doing.]
no subject
Probably? ...at this point I kinda hope it was. Then it'll just go away.
[That makes sense to him. Eventually it'll be out of his system and he'll be back to normal. The thought of it being more permanent than that is more than he can handle.]
...I don't even really know what "it" is? I've just been like, freaking out all day about shit I don't normally freak out this much about. Like...it all feels stupid to say out loud.
[Min can probably wager some guesses though.]
no subject
[As in he still does freak out about it sometimes. He knows he doesn't have much ground to stand on when it comes to talking stuff out right now, but if Ryan is willing to share then he does want to listen. He just might not be as pushy about it as he would've been if this had happened before All Dressed hatched.
He gives Ryan's hand a reassuring squeeze. He's here. He's not going anywhere. Whatever's going on, they're in this together.]
Talk to me. I'm not going to think it's stupid. If it bothers you then it means something, right?
no subject
It's definitely stupid. It's so, so stupid...
[But he squeezes Min's hand in return. The gesture helps ground him and remind him Min's there. Talking about it feels so much harder, like he's erased any progress he made in that regard.
Saying it out loud is terrifying. It means letting Min know he worries about this kind of thing even occasionally and revealing the horrible truth - that he's clingy and annoying and holding him back--
--and, suddenly he knows exactly how to ease into it.]
It's. It's like a bad thought, almost?
[They've talked about that before, about how they don't necessarily represent the truth of the situation, or what you're really like as a person.]
Like, usually it isn't a thing. And even when it comes up usually I can just like, squish it down and ignore it and move on? Because I... [He heaves a deep, frustrated sigh.] Like, I know better. But...I keep freaking out today anyway. Like, super freaking out, like it's end of the freaking world! Like-- like I'm dying or something, I don't get it!
[Which is, in Ryan's opinion, stupid as hell. He's obviously not dying, so why does the world feel like it's been on fire for the last several hours?!]
no subject
[He doesn't have to think about that. His response is quick and definitive, leaving no room for argument from Ryan. He's not unfamiliar with what Ryan's describing, but it's not something he has to deal with anywhere near as frequently as he used to. This isn't about him, but he gets it. He really, really gets it.]
You know... I used to get that feeling a lot. I still don't understand it, but... it happens a lot less since we got off the train.
[He's never actually had to articulate it before, at least not in so much detail. Ryan's helped him a lot, but it might not even be something he knows he's doing? Maybe he's just good at knowing what to say when it feels like the weight of the whole world's pushing down on him. That surprises him. He'd always thought that came from a place of understanding. Now their positions are switched he's not so sure how to do it himself, but he has to try. Ignoring it doesn't help. He knows that much.]
When you keep pushing a problem down, it doesn't go away. It just builds up. Eventually you can't do that anymore. It gets too much, or something happens... and it feels like the end of the world even if you know it's not. I actually thought you knew that. You're always so good at keeping me calm when that happens to me.
no subject
Wait. ...Wait, wait, wait. This is what that feels like for you?!
[What the fuck. What the fuck. Does this mean it wasn't the pancakes after all? Why does Min know what this feels like when he didn't have any? The worst part is that it doesn't come from a place of disbelief. He believes Min entirely, and that's the part that horrifies him.]
Min! I've spent half of today feeling like my heart was going to explode if I had to be alone! [He seems to realize that's too dramatic the second he says it though and backpedals immediately.] I-I mean, it's not, I'll be okay, but dude! I've never felt this before!
[Ryan stops petting Vogue so he can both Min's hand with both of his, as though Min's the one who needs the comfort.]
I mean...I've been worried or scared before, and I've felt like the world was over, but. It feels...different? It doesn't feel like, like this, in my body. I'm-- Min, I had no idea.
[He isn't thinking about all the times he's helped. He's thinking about all of the times he didn't get it, all of the times he was mad that Min seemingly ditched him without fully appreciating just how scared he must have been. He's come a long way since then, but trying his best to make Min feel better didn't mean that he fully understood how it physically felt.]
...You said it doesn't happen as much now? It's not this bad anymore?
[He really hopes so, because this sucks and he doesn't want Min feeling like this all the time either.]
no subject
But this isn't about him. He shakes off the rising dread. This isn't about him. He can think about this later, when Ryan's back to his usual self.]
No. It's fine now. Sometimes I start to get worried, but you're there for me. You notice, and it barely ever gets to the point where it's too much.
I just... I thought you knew. I thought it was the same for everyone and you were just better at getting yourself back out of that space.
[Apparently not, which explains why he's been acting so strangely all day. He tugs Ryan's hands close to himself, so he can try and get back on track and start trying to comfort Ryan again.]
Sorry I kept trying to get away from you. I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea you were feeling like that.
[Maybe because his impulse is to do the opposite when he starts to feel like everything's too much. It always feels easier to isolate himself. To get away from everything. It isn't good for him, but being alone always feels easier in the moment.]
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He shakes his head, softly.]
No, it's okay. I haven't been acting like myself. And I promise, I'm not usually freaking out about this. I don't want you like, worrying about me every time we're apart. ...Sometimes bad thoughts cross my mind? Like that you might get sick of me, or that I might wind up by myself again, or...something. But that's all they are. I know that I won't, and I know you won't. ...You're always there for me too, even when I don't know I need it yet.
[Sometimes he just gets an intrusive thought, and he has to tell his brain to shut the fuck up because Min obviously isn't going anywhere. Even when he loses his mind to weird magic pancakes, of all things. Just the fact that he can talk a little more calmly about it show he's already starting to feel better.]
...I'm trying to think of how to describe how it feels. I've, um. I've never had to think about it before?
[But he wants to. Min should know, so he knows what he's weighing this against in his head, but he can't if he can't put it to words.]
But...hey, maybe your way's the normal one? I could be the weirdo here.
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[Sure he'd been angry a lot of the time, but most of that had been frustration at his absence, or his own inability to break free of the monotony of his life the way Ryan had. He can't imagine going that long without seeing him again, and he wouldn't want to. Ryan's a fundamental part of his life, and it's hard not to be around him.]
You don't have to tell me right now. If that's not the problem now won't it just make you worse to start thinking about it?
[Or would it help? It's hard for him to say since he's apparently been wrong about how Ryan feels when he's down this whole time.]
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...Me either. I missed you too.
[He squeezes Min's hand, as if to punctuate the thought. It's a weird way to hold someone's hand, with both of his own, but he still doesn't really want to let go.
Min has a point though, and he considers it.]
...Maybe? But, if I'm not feeling how I usually do...maybe it won't? Plus, you're here. ...And I can always stop.
[That in itself is a good reminder, because talking it out is also kind of scary, but Min's right here. He's here and that's enough for him to be able to try.]
I think...it's usually heavy? Heavy and slow. Like...it sucks all the energy out of me. Sometimes it's, um. Kind of numb? It's hard to describe, but usually I either push through it and try and get my mind off it, or just...curl up and ride it out, I guess?
[He looks to Min-Gi, trying to gauge if any of this makes sense. He feels like it doesn't, like he's just babbling in circles here, but...at least he's trying.]
Right now everything wants to be really, really fast and urgent. But, uh. Normally it's more like...not feeling like I can move at all. Or like it's ridiculously hard, like my whole body's just dead weight.
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He's a little less fine with Ryan making himself think about things that might make him feel worse, but he doesn't want to come across like he's trying to control him. He has to trust him, even when he's worried. Ryan knows what he can handle, and there are things about him that Min apparently doesn't know as well as he thought.
So he listens, even if he can't keep the concern from his features completely.]
I've seen it.
[But he didn't recognise it. He's misunderstood. Taken it for the aftermath rather than the panic itself. He feels bad now that he'd let Ryan wallow in it for so long.]
I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought you needed time. Afterwards. I thought I needed to wait.
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